lost, broken, lonely & tired

23 | german | sharing my secrets with strangers ‘cause I can‘t open up in real life

[sadheartdarkmind]

I know that I‘m probably not going to kill myself at the moment. But no one in my life could imagine how much I still want to disappear forever. Nobody knows how much I regret not having ended my life yet. I still have far too many days when 99.9% of me are ready to implement plans into action.

[abnormall]

i don’t think i was supposed to live in this world. maybe it was too early for me, maybe i was supposed to be born in a couple of decades. or maybe i shouldn’t have been born at all. but i’m here now, and i’m suffering, and i don’t want to be here. this world, this society, its a nightmare i cant navigate. i’m completely out of touch. i can barely breathe anymore. i don’t think i’m supposed to be here.

[wishing-for-deathx]

You don’t understand, I don’t want any of it anymore. I don’t want happiness or love or success or anything. I need to stop living because that’s the only thing that can make my pain go away. So no, you telling me to wait for good things doesn’t work. Don’t you get it, no matter what happens, it’s always going to hurt.

[sadheartdarkmind]

Death is my home. It´s where I belong. I just want to go home. I´m homesick.

[sadheartdarkmind]

I want to write and cry and let it all out, but I'm not sure if there's anything left inside of me at all. I'm tired, so tired of existing. I think everything has already been said and I don't know what else to write without repeating myself over and over again. I'm just so tired and deeply hopeless.

[sadheartdarkmind]

Do I still exist when nobody knows I'm there? Am I alive and human even though nobody knows me?

[sadheartdarkmind]

A part of me died a long, long time ago and I feel empty and lost for my whole life. How could I ever be able to find myself when I have never been complete and real? I have an emptiness inside of me that is too large to fill. A heaviness, too debilitating to feel free one day. A pain, too deep to ever stop hurting.

[sadheartdarkmind]

Seriously, I'm so ugly and disgusting, it's unbelievable. Imagine the ugliest face you can and then imagine it ten times uglier. Now you know what I look like.

[sadheartdarkmind]

My thoughts are too dark for too long, so they colored everything and everyone around me black. My view of the world and of people became as dark as my inner world and I become a more terrible person with each passing day.

[sadheartdarkmind]

When i walk through the streets I leave a slimy trail of stench and disgust. My presence causes an unbearable atmosphere of dirtiness, aversion, shame and guilt. I just want to disappear and dispose myself.

[sadheartdarkmind]

too tired to write don‘t want to be alive anymore

[sadheartdarkmind]

I‘m really wondering what it’s like to be afraid of death.

[sadheartdarkmind]

I’m lost in bitterness with a heart full of pain. The person I’ve become is terrible. Even more deterrent than my old self. Everything hurts and you should run away as fast as possible so I can‘t hurt you too.

[sadheartdarkmind]

I cry and scream on the inside while my facial expression remains neutral. No, I am absolutely not feeling well. It's just that I have no way of expressing myself. There is a wall between the world and me and it kills me.

[sadheartdarkmind]

I can‘t look in the mirror without wanting to lose half my weight. I can‘t walk without being disgusted by my thighs touching each other. I can‘t live in this body.

I can‘t say "my body". It’s not mine. It's a huge piece of flesh and fat. A prison of shame and disgust.

[sadheartdarkmind]

[sadheartdarkmind]

Death is calling for me and it‘s so hard to resist this invitation.