feelings

i’m sorry that i care. it’s really not that fair. i can’t help but care. i over-communicate and feel too much.

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

When she climbed into his lap, his hands found their way to her waist to hold her there. He didn’t know how much he needed this until it was happening; just a week of being apart had made him much more lonely than he ever had anticipated. “I love you,” he murmured against her lips, just to remind her. He really, really did.

At his reminder that he loved her, Sadie pulled back slightly, her hand touching his cheek gently. “I love you,” she replied softly, smiling at him lovingly. She needed this, she needed to be reminded how good this felt. “I love you so much,” she repeated against his skin, moving to kiss along his jaw and down to his neck. She was softer now, the reminder that he loved her and she loved him was enough to want to leave reminders of her love on his skin.

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

Chris could understand not wanting to talk about any of this anymore. It was a shitty thing to deal with and the more they thought about it, the more it would weigh on them. He nodded his agreement and met her kiss positively. He took whatever pace she wanted to go at because he didn’t really have it in him to take charge at the moment. He wanted to be there for whatever she needed him for, so that’s what he’d do.

The enthusiasm her kiss was met with definitely reassured her, taking some of the sting away as she felt both of them unable to really find a way to move on from this. The only thing that had made Sadie feel better the entire time they had sat was their physicality - if she couldn’t have that same emotional connection between them at the moment, she wanted the physical one. Sadie climbed into his lap as she usually did, her hand moving around to the back of his neck as she took more of a lead than she usually did. There was nothing she needed to be guided into - she just wanted to remind both of them that there was still something that didn’t need to fade away.

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

He listened with a sad smile on his face. He didn’t know how to respond – he loved her tenacity and the fact that she was so adamant that they survive this. But Christopher could see the writing on the wall, even if she couldn’t. He was still going to work as hard as he could to ensure that they would get past this, but let’s just say, he wouldn’t be surprised if things fell apart again.

He leaned in and kissed her, soft and sweet. When he pulled away he set his hand on her cheek, his thumb lightly going over it. “We’re going to be okay. I know we are. It might take a day or two but I know we’ll be right back to where we should be in no time,” he reassured her. He didn’t want her to overthink this, he didn’t want her to drive herself crazy because it was obvious she was having a hard time with all of this. It was his job to help alleviate all that stress and anxiety. She didn’t deserve to deal with that, not when she already had to deal with the shock of Christopher’s lie. 

Pure relief flooded her as he leaned in to kiss her, both calming her fear that neither of them would make a move to be more physical with each other and giving her a moment away from her thoughts. Sadie’s hand moved to touch his arm as he caressed his cheek, nodding slowly. She knew she’d practically forced him to reassure her, but it still made her feel much better than she had a moment ago. “Yeah. Yeah, of course we will,” Sadie agreed, wanting to just stop being so negative for a moment. She could freak herself out later.

Sadie was so used to approaching things rationally, taking her time to work things out. But there were so many emotions involved now, unable to find a rational way to approach this situation that didn’t end in someone getting hurt, or that repaired her own hurt feelings. She stayed away from him for too long and the tension and awkwardness between them would only grow, if she rushed right back into the way things were the feelings she was dealing with would only come out all at once and hurt them both. All she wanted to do right now was take a minute to ignore it. Talking about this wasn’t helping her, but kissing him at least felt good. 

“Okay, yeah. We’ll be fine. I just - yeah, I don’t want to keep talking about it right now,” Sadie shrugged, sighing softly. She didn’t really want to talk about anything, in fact. Rather, she leaned back in, kissing him again. Not as soft as his.

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

“I told them that we’re together. They didn’t seem to care about any details, nor did they bring up the bet. I’m pretty sure they forgot about it as soon as the bet was even made; they were super drunk that night. Well, except Luke. But we know the reason why for that.” He still couldn’t freaking believe Luke would be such a dick. Chris just hoped he would leave Sadie alone from now on.

His heart sank. The reality of what had happened was just starting to be obvious. There was no bouncing back from this, was there. From then on the stupid bet would haunt them, always informing their choices and forcing them to walk on eggshells around each other. That was bad, that was the kind of thing that destroyed couples over time. Chris looked neutral and calm on the outside, but on the inside the devastation was really washing over him. 

There were so many things Sadie wanted to do other than discuss this and consider the lifespan of their relationship. She loved him. So much. Something like this shouldn’t have to affect her perception of him this much. People seemed to easily be able to date people who cheated on them, and she couldn’t allow herself to get past this one stupid decision? Maybe she just needed even more time. But less space. God, feelings really sucked. 

“Yeah, that makes sense. That guy sucks. Well, what he did sucks, I guess I don’t know him that well - you know what I mean.” she sighed, shaking her head. Sadie didn’t want to talk about Luke. She didn’t want to think about how Luke and Chris were friends. She didn’t want to think about any of this anymore; she wanted him to kiss her again! She wanted to keep telling him she loved him until none of this mattered anymore! “I know I’m the one who brought this up, but I don’t think talking is going to make me feel all that much better. I think it’s just a... me problem. I’m just sort of talking things in circles and making myself feel worse,” she explained, before realizing for just a moment it sounded almost like a breakup speech. “I mean, I care about you more than I care about any of this. There’s like a million things I really love about you and one thing that’s made me upset, letting that one thing get in the way of all of those things is just kind of stupid, right? Like, I can feel that it’s getting all weird between us or it’s been weird between us since we started talking again and I want that to go away because it’s never been weird between us. I just want that to go away. I’m not losing you. I’m just not - it’s just not going to happen, I’m telling you that right now,” she rambled, struggling to find a point. Sadie looked up at him with a desperate glance, needing to be saved from drowning in her own words and thoughts.

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

“You’re totally right,” he said. No more secrets, he could do that. That was an easy sacrifice, one that he didn’t have to work to make. She deserved to get nothing but the truth from him. He pressed another kiss to her forehead; he loved how close they could be now. He knew things were still different, but they could be more loving in comparison to how they were a few minutes ago.

“I promise you, I will never be so foolish again. I shouldn’t have done that to you- I should have been honest from the start, and I promise you’ll never have to deal with that again.” He was going to make every effort to ensure her happiness – he had been doing that before, but this slip was making him extra diligent. 

The content sigh that left her as he kissed her forehead again was involuntary, squeezing his hand gently. There was nothing Sadie loved more than his casual kisses, the way he kissed and adored every inch of her as if to punctuate his sentences. Chris made her feel so incredibly loved, and yet that seemed to make it even worse. 

“Thank you,” she replied earnestly at his promises. Of course she believed him. But still she felt that anxiety bubbling in her chest, threatening to rise and make her say more things she didn’t mean. Or at least didn’t want him to hear. He told her she asked for too little but she knew she didn’t - she knew she felt more hurt, more betrayed than she really deserved to. It was one thing. One mistake. What was she afraid he’d do next? This stupid bet was still bothering her. 

“Have you told-” Sadie paused, regrouping. She wanted to sound less accusatory, less like she was trying to find reasons to forgive him. All she wanted was all her questions answered to soothe that voice in the back of her head encouraging to remain hurt. “You told your friends that the bet never happened, right? Or that we’re... serious, or something.” She hadn’t meant to add anything after her question, but something that had been bothering her slipped out before she could stop it, “I mean, I talk about you to my friends. Good things! Obviously.”

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

“I love you too,” he replied softly. He was okay with hearing it now; it wasn’t laboured by sadness anymore.

When she said she forgave him, he nodded. “Thank you, Sadie. Seriously, thank you.” He was so happy things were finally going to be okay. He leaned in and pressed a lingering to her forehead. “I missed you so much- this week felt like an eternity.”

Sadie smiled softly as he kissed her forehead, leaning slightly into him. She hoped she wouldn’t - no, she wouldn’t regret giving him a second chance. Being too forgiving had hurt her in the past, trying to see the best in people when it just might not be there, but with Chris she felt as though she had been shown time and time again this was worth it. The feeling that she had to be cautious, testing the waters with him again to see if she really could trust him as much as she had was not a fun one, but it was worth it to not have to break up completely. 

“Yeah, of course,” she nodded, unsure how exactly to respond to his thanking her. It had never dawned on her not to forgive him. “I know. I just wanted to talk to you the whole time. Like, things would happen that I just wanted to tell you about or talk about how I was feeling, but I knew it wouldn’t end well or it wasn’t fair to keep coming in and out when I knew I wasn’t ready to talk about everything yet,” she explained.  “Besides, no one else just lets me go on forever uninterrupted,” she added, smiling sheepishly as she again realized how much she was talking. No one else let her ramble like this, it felt so easy to keep talking until she finally found a conclusion, not worrying about him judging her verbal thought process.

She found herself sitting closer to him without realizing it, feeling the tension between them become slightly easier. This feeling of betrayal was still lingering around, the situation still feeling worrying, but it wasn’t enough to stay as upset as she had been. She could forgive, but she wouldn’t forget. “There can’t be any more secrets, though. Not like that. Obviously, we don’t have to share like everything, everything with each other, but I don’t want to feel caught off guard like that again.”

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

“Sadie, that’s you being paranoid, I promise,” he said, reaching out to tuck some of her hair behind her ear. “You’ve never asked for too much- if anything, I’m concerned you’re asking for too little.” He shook his head. “Listen, I’m really easygoing. I don’t need a lot to be happy, and I don’t expect anything from you. I’ve spent so much time alone that I’m just happy to be around you and see you smile. Plus- you’re the more inexperienced one out of the two of us. That’s not a bad thing, it just means I want to be sure you’re comfortable because a lot of this can be new and scary and overwhelming. You’re not taking more than you’re giving, I promise.”

“You are enough, Sadie. You’re allowed to take up space and ask for things and do what makes you happy- because you’re not infringing on anyone’s happiness, I can promise you that. It doesn’t make you selfish, okay?” How he wished someone had told him the same thing when he was younger. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

“No more apologizing for existing, okay? You got nothing to feel guilty for.”

God, she wanted nothing more than to climb in his lap and kiss him senseless. But, that wasn’t really taking things slow, was it? It still felt like a better alternative to feeling like she wanted to cry again; that would make them both uncomfortable.  Sadie nodded, blinking a few times to make sure she could keep it together. Chris made her feel so grounded - always knowing exactly what to say to quell her insecurities. A stupid bet wasn’t enough to make her want to lose him. 

“I love you so much,” Sadie told him, her reaction to everything he said. She wanted to assure him again that she wanted him to be happy - that she wanted to make him as happy as he made her, but she felt that probably wasn’t the most important thing at the moment. More than anything, she needed to know they were going to be okay. They could move on.

“I’m still kind of embarrassed and, you know, upset, but I - I forgive you, Chris,” she assured him. “We can’t go back and change anything. The bet happened and was really stupid, but it already happened, so I just - I don’t want to hold any grudges or dwell on it. I mean it might set us back, but it’s not enough to lose you. Everything has been so good with you, I don’t want one stupid thing to ruin everything.”

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

Chris sighed. “I wasn’t serious, I’m not gonna do anything stupid- I promise,” he assured her, putting on a smile. He liked that she touched him. He missed it. He wasn’t sure if it was too much, but he covered her hand with his other one. 

“Hey,” he said, nudging her with his shoulder. “I like when you talk.” Without fail, the moment she apologized for talking too much, he reprised his catchphrase. He could understand where she was coming from. To be honest the idea of them getting back together but feeling all stiff and awkward again- he’d almost rather just be broken up completely; save them the heartache of going in reverse. But he knew he needed to try, for her. “And I understand- I’m willing to do whatever makes you happy. If that means slowing down, then that’s what we’ll do.”

“And don’t be sorry – I’m the one that hurt you, remember? You’re calling the shots here, you should do what’s right for you. Not me.”

Sadie couldn’t help the wide smile that appeared when he reminded her that he liked to hear her talk, feeling the same butterflies now as she had the first time he had told her. It had meant so much to her then to hear him say that, and still she couldn’t think of any assurance she wanted more than that her rambling wasn’t annoying. He was so nice to her. So good to her. It almost made her feel guilty for feeling hurt - people like Chris didn’t come around every day. It would kill her if her insistence to go slow yet again caused her to lose him. 

Oh, she definitely remembered that he was the one who hurt her. She was trying so hard to forget that detail. “I want to do what makes you happy too, though,” she argued, knowing his words were meant to be reassuring. And they were, but like always when he gave her the reigns like this, she feared that she was going to be too demanding. She didn’t want to drive him away. 

“I want to do what’s right for you too. I don’t want to - I’m scared that we’re just always going to do what’s right for me and I won’t know that you’re not happy and you’ll end up resenting me for it,” her words came out quickly, barely any space between them. Now was the time to express any concerns they had, right? “I just kind of feel like I ask for a lot sometimes - like, I don’t want you to realize that I’ve been taking more than I’m giving most of the time.”

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

He nodded. “Yeah, I did plan to tell you. I didn’t know how or when, but I knew that I would tell you the truth- I knew keeping it from you was a bad idea, and there’s no such thing as a ‘right time’, but every time I was about to make any sort of attempt, it turned into the complete worst time to tell you.”

His eyes widened as she told him about her past situation with Luke. “That makes so much sense,” he commented. “I mean that’s fucking terrible that he would pressure you that way, Luke always was way too forward and expected way too much from women, but… god, I’m sorry, Sadie, that’s really cruel.” That certainly did explain why Luke had suggested a bet in the first place. “That must’ve been why he was so enthusiastic about the bet, why he was seriously putting on the pressure for it. He was feeling vengeful for not getting what he wants. God, what a fucking tool- maybe I should’ve roughed him up, teach him a lesson about how to handle rejection.” He couldn’t help the anger bubbling inside him- the fact that he thought he could get away with shit like that just made Chris insane. 

But he forced himself to take a breath; this anger wasn’t helping the current situation with Sadie. This was what he needed to focus on. “Sorry. That just… really makes me mad. And everything makes a lot more sense, and it sucks. I wish none of this happened.” But now what? How would they move forward? Chris certainly didn’t have a plan, nor did he have an idea for what to do.

“So… what do you propose?” he asked after a few moments. 

Sadie shrugged, feeling slightly exposed from sharing the story with him. “I think he just wanted to embarrass me, and he was probably mad that you got what he wanted, or whatever. He’s just a jerk, and he still hasn’t really gotten what he wanted.”

His anger made her frown, reaching out to gently take his hand. She definitely didn’t want anyone to get actually hurt over this - and the idea of Chris ‘roughing him up’ was definitely not appealing. “Hey, no one needs to get hurt, right? I mean, if anything knowing how much I wasn’t ready then helped me know when I was ready. No one had ever been that patient with me, it was a really nice contrast.” She wanted to remind both him and herself how much she liked him - why she liked him. 

“I wish it hadn’t either... but it did,” she sighed, her thumb running over the back of his hand. It was moving past this she was focused on now, trying to make this better. “I think maybe we should just dial things back? Not like, not like an extension of our break or anything, just maybe we kind of rushed into things. I feel like it’s going to be a process still to trust you as much as I did, and maybe that’s not fair, but I just feel like it’s still just something I need to get over. I’m mad that you did it or ever thought something like that could be funny, but that’s not something I want to totally ruin everything.” She shook her head. “Sorry, I know I’m talking a lot, I’ve just been really struggling to talk through this with myself. I just know I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t pick things back up right where they were. I’m sorry, I know it’s not a very good answer, I’ve just never felt this way about anyone before but I’ve also never been heartbroken like that before. It’s all kind of confusing.”

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

He listened close to what she had to say- it made total sense that she was still upset, and he wasn’t at all blaming her for that. “Okay, yeah- totally,” he replied. How to even start? He ran a hand through his hair.

“Well, I guess initially my motivation was to play along and see what would happen. But then when I started talking to you it changed, I dropped the idea of the bet entirely and I just wanted to get to know you. I was planning to tell you eventually. I just had no clue how. How do you tell the girl you’re in love with that your relationship was founded on some shitty bet??” he shook his head.

“I just want you to know that every single thing I’ve said- from the moment I met you to now- has been genuine. I do love you, and care for you, and I never wanted to hurt you.” He bit down on his lip a little. “I just think sometimes I get ahead of myself, and I forget that not everything is a joke to everyone, and even if it doesn’t matter to me, it does to someone else. And that’s really foolish.”

Sadie sighed, wanting so badly for this to just have some easy solution. It made sense that he wouldn’t want to tell her about this, things might have gone slightly better if she had gotten to hear it from Chris rather than Luke. Still, the situation as a whole just... how was she supposed to work through it?

“You were going to tell me?” she clarified, wanting at least something to hold on to. He didn’t want to hurt her, he wanted to tell her. People made mistakes. This was a mistake that just felt harder to forgive. “Yeah, that - that makes sense. I mean it’s good you can recognize that, because most people can’t.”

Pausing, she wondered how much she should tell him. “It sucked not to hear it from you - it would’ve sucked to hear it from you too, but it sucked even worse to hear it from Luke,” Sadie spoke cautiously, picking at some fuzz on the futon. “I, uh - I knew him before, like, he’s not as unfamiliar as your other friends. We had like, a thing.” How much should she be telling him? “Like, we went out a couple times, but he kept trying to pressure me into - things. And it just got this point where I just had to call things off because he made me feel super uncomfortable and I know - I know he told his friends that I was like, a prude or a tease or whatever. I guess he was angry or embarrassed or something, and told all his friends and people he knew that I was a virgin and just made it his business and it just - sucked,” After a moment she sighed again, running her hand through her hair. “I guess when you told me your friends were frat guys I was kind of nervous, because I didn’t want you to be like that - and you’re not - but you being in on the same bet as him it just, and that bet feeling pretty personal, it just made it all feel worse.”

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

He nodded and sat down next to her, listening to her describe what all went on during her week. “Well that’s good, I’m glad,” he replied. “And good- unfortunately there’s no magic cure, but I’m glad it helped a little bit. Definitely better than nothing, I assume.”

He let out a laugh. “My no-hangover was just fine. And my week was… pretty rough, I won’t lie to you. I have trouble paying attention, evidently.” He shrugged. He kinda deserved it, though. “But it certainly wasn’t the worst week in the world.” It was. “I’ve missed you too. A lot. All I could think about was how much it sucked that I couldn’t talk to you. But hey, we’re here now, that’s good.”

He wanted to reach out and touch her- he was aching to hold her and kiss her and forget that any of this ever happened. But obviously he needed to be realistic, they needed to talk first and figure things out. They had to move slow.

Sadie really hoped she hadn’t been the reason his week had been so rough, though she was sure she was. It made her feel guilty, not ever wanting to be the reason he was upset. Maybe it was fair, since he was the reason she was upset, but she didn’t like this feeling at all. 

“Yeah, it is,” she agreed, just wanting for a moment to reach out and kiss him like she had on this futon before. “I’m still upset,” she said after a moment, knowing there was no time better than right now to try and make things better. “I want to talk through things because I just - I’m trying to understand your motivations, I guess? I don’t know, it just - I guess it feels worse because I never saw anything like this coming from you. It feels too douchey to be something you’d do.” 

She didn’t want to make it feel like she had brought him here looking for more apologizes. All she wanted was answers - reasons to let this just end. 

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

‘Totally! I’ll be over in a few,’ he replied. He was nervous to see her again. Obviously he was happy to see her again, he was happy that she was reaching out and agreeing to see him, but he was nervous. What if she had already made her choice to end things? What if the best thing that ever happened to Chris was impossible to save? God, he couldn’t think like that; the very idea brought tears to his eyes and he had to rub them away.

He hopped in his car and drove over to her place. He texted her to let her know he was there and waited for her to let him into the building. He smiled at her and the two walked to her room in silence. When the door was finally shut behind them, he cleared his throat a little.

“So- how was your week? Was the hangover bad, did my tips help?” he asked, wanting to focus on the casual before diving into all the difficult stuff.

It was so good to see him. Even if she knew she had to have a difficult conversation with him, for the moment it was just nice to be with him again. Things could feel normal again for just a moment - hopefully things could be normal again for a long time. They just had to get through this - they just had to communicate. They could do that, couldn’t they?

“It was fine - it wasn’t that busy or anything. I’ve been hanging out with Lexi a lot, I mean, not really hanging out, we just sit at the same table in the library and do our own thing, but we don’t really mind that,” she rambled through her explanation, knowing she could have just left it at her being fine. Sadie sat on the futon, leaving him room to sit next to her if he wanted to. “They actually did!  It still kind of sucked, but it didn’t suck as bad as the last one did. You definitely helped a lot,” she agreed, offering a friendly smile. She was still upset, she had to tell him that, but he was so easy to talk to. She didn’t want to come off too upset.

“How was yours? And your no hangover?” Sadie asked, postponing their difficult discussion with another question. After a slight pause, she added, “I’ve missed you.”

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

It was the longest week of Christopher’s life. He struggled to pay attention to anything in class, he struggled to write, he was just waiting. Waiting for it to be over or for everything to just come back together- just something other than stitting around.

He was sitting at home, reading Clockwork when Sadie finally texted him. He read it and pondered what to say. Of course he couldn’t deny her a meeting; they needed to work this out. He just didn’t know what to say to make it seem like everything was good. ‘Sure. Where and when?’

He figured that would be good enough- simple and welcoming.

Sadie felt a small sense of a relief when he texted her back, though she had to figure out a moment later where she wanted to meet him. She wanted to be alone with him, able to talk about this without worrying about anyone else bother thing. At the same time, however, she thought a public place could be easier - in case things got hard again it might be easier to keep it together if people were around. Either way, it needed to be sooner rather than later.

‘my roommate is at her boyfriends house if you want to come over tonight? if not we could get coffee tomorrow. whichever works better for you.’

She hoped it didn’t feel like she was leaving it to him to make the decision, even though she kind of was. Whether he chose to be alone with her or chose to meet her in a public place, it probably wasn’t going to be a very fun conversation. It just needed to happen. She missed him so much it hurt, things just needed to go as close as they could back to normal. 

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

“See you soon.” He let her go, and he stayed at the door for a few moments after she left before heading back to his car. All of this was so messed up, he was angry and upset, and normally if he got upset he’d call Sadie to talk. He couldn’t exactly do that now, could he. He stared at his steering wheel for several minutes, just trying to keep calm. And then, he did something he would never do- he returned to the party.

Once he showed up at that familiar frat house, he walked straight in and found Luke. “Did you think that was funny?” He asked, his hands resting relaxed at his sides. He wasn’t gonna fight the guy, just talk to him. “What you did was fucked up, I had planned to tell her differently, and it was really shitty to have it come from you. So I hope you’re real satisfied.” He didn’t give a shit about how many people saw Chris chew him out, the guy deserved it.

Once he’d gotten that out of his system, he left and went back home. Alone in his apartment, it was way too quiet. He went straight to his desk and started writing, and he didn’t stop until the sun was out and he had to shower and get ready for class. Fuck this.

The only person Sadie wanted to talk to about any of this was Chris, and he was the only person she also couldn’t talk to right now. Well, she could, but she didn’t want to make him feel bad as she processed her emotions. She was still so angry and sad that this bet had ever existed in the first place, and that Chris could be the type of person to think it would be a good idea to partake in it. But she knew Chris, she knew he wasn’t like his friends. Right? But at the same time, she couldn’t ask him to just ditch all of his friends for her. That wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. It felt like there was no solution that would leave either of them satisfied. And to have Luke of all people tell her about it. To have Luke in on this. It felt like some petty kind of revenge for her not sleeping with him, it all just left her feeling so gross. 

A week went by without any contact with Chris. The longest she had gone without talking to him since they had met. She had gotten so used to spending most of her time with him, or at least just hanging around him while they both did their own thing. Being alone just felt so much lonelier than it had before. She tried to find reasons to text him, though she still wasn’t positive she had forgiven him yet. Finally, she just thought maybe she could try and talk this through. Maybe explain why Luke felt the need to ruin any of this at all, or take it upon himself to give away the bet. He might not care, but it gave her a chance to actually talk through this, maybe finding a way to feel better. It obviously wasn’t helping to think it over on her own. 

Finally, she managed to convince herself to text him, hoping their conversation would be more productive when she wasn’t tipsy and crying. Most things usually were. ‘can i see you?’ Sadie texted him simply, putting her phone down immediately after sending it, nervous he actually wouldn’t want to see her. That he assumed she was overreacting. She knew that was slightly ridiculous, but it had felt like centuries since she last spoke to him. She didn’t want things to be weird.

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

He shook his head a little, waving away her explanation. “It’s okay, I understand,” he assured her. “Really- you deserve all the time you need. Don’t apologize, it’s all fine.” Par for the course, he supposed. If you mess up, you gotta pay the consequences, and his consequences were waiting with his phone in hand, praying to any god that would listen that she would find it in her heart to forgive him.

He brought a hand from his pocket to card through his hair anxiously. “Just- just stay safe, okay? And don’t feel bad about taking the time you need, I’m- I’m very patient.” He gave her a smile, though he didn’t feel like smiling at all.

He hated hearing that she loved him. Especially when it was coming out this way. It shouldn’t have happened like this. “If you get a hangover, just drink lots of water and eag mac ‘n’ cheese. Trust me, that’s the best way to get over it.” Of course he remembered she got awful hangovers, of course he had to say something stupidly helpful instead of concluding in a better manner. Guess he couldn’t help it.

“I’m pretty good at staying out of danger,” she nodded, the joke feeling unnatural in the moment. Everything usually felt so natural with him. “I know you’re patient,” she agreed, thinking of everything he had done to make her feel safe as they took everything so slowly. No one had ever been that patient with her - no one had ever made her feel so comfortable. She really didn’t want to lose Chris. “I’ll let you know as soon as I’m ready to talk or anything.”

His earnest hangover advice made her heart hurt, wanting to laugh and lean over to kiss him. He remembered how bad her hangovers were, he had always been thoughtful like this, listening and caring about what she had to say. None of this made sense. Every time she wanted to wave everything away, put everything good in him over this one bad thing, she thought about how excited she had been to have him talk to her - to have him take an interest in her. None of it had been real, not at first. There was something about that initial deceit that she couldn’t move past. She almost wished he had just been able to keep his friends quiet and keep it to himself, wanting not to know anymore. Nothing should have been able to taint this relationship. 

“Thanks, I’ll definitely try that,” she offered a small smile. She definitely would. And she’d think about him and how to forgive him. She had to be able to forgive him - this couldn’t end. “I should probably go. I’ll, um, I’ll text you. So, I’ll see you soon,” she shrugged, wanting more than anything to lean over and kiss him but instead just offering a last sad smile before letting herself into the building and going up to her room. She managed to make it all the way under the covers before she let herself cry again.

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

He nodded a few times and the two headed to his car. They got in the car and it took Chris a few tries to start it because his hands weren’t doing what he wanted them to do. He hated this more than anything, and it was all because he’d just made a dumb choice. How could everything just go down the drain like this?? How could she take the word of some stranger over his?? Not that he word of this stranger was wrong, but it was just confusing that she’d instantly accept that over everything that was working against it.

He drove her home and he parked in front of her building. He didn’t know if it was appropriate to, but he got out and walked her to the door regardless.

There was a pause, neither of them knew what to do. They were standing in front of her door and all he wanted to do was kiss her and hold her close. Obviously, that wouldn’t go well.

“I love you, Sadie. Please don’t forget that.” He gave a sad smile. “Just, uh- call me or text me if you want to; I’m always around.” He shoved his hands deep in his pockets, physically keeping himself from touching her.

As they got to the door, Sadie didn’t want to get inside and get to her room anymore. She didn’t want to admit this could be the last time she’d see him for a while. This could alter everything. Of course, she shouldn’t have assumed everything would be totally perfect forever, but with him it had always felt like that. 

“I love you too,” she told him earnestly, having to swallow the lump rising in her throat. God, she didn’t know when she was going to stop crying. She just needed time to think - time to get over the initial sting of being lied to. Of feeling used. Chris was a good person, she knew that. But he was also more like those stupid frat guys than she had thought, and that thought hurt her more than anything else. 

Leaning forward she pecked his cheek softly, the first move she’d made to touch him since she found out. “This really sucks,” she sighed, glancing at the door for a moment before looking back to him. “I honestly don’t know how much time I need, I just - I'm just kind of confused right now. I don’t want to lose you either, I really, really love you, Chris, it’s just... a lot to kind of process right now. I don’t know. I’m sorry, I wish I had something better to say.”

[sadiefischer]

christopherdunne:

“Yeah. Of all people to tell you, it should’ve been me, it should’ve been right away- it shouldn’t have even been a thing in the first place, and I’m so sorry.” This was the most shitty thing in the world.

But he couldn’t deny her anything. “Okay. Yeah, absolutely. As long as you’ll need, we’ll… we’ll be on a break.” He gave her arm a loving squeeze before dropping his hand. He managed to blink his tears away; they were sure to come back later.

“Let me take you home,” he finally said. “Would you rather walk, or drive?” He didn’t care, as long as he could ensure that she got home safely.

Sadie was the one who wanted this break, why did it make her feel so upset when he agreed to it? God, this sucked. She just wanted to go to bed, put her headphones in and hope that her roommate wouldn’t bother her as she moped around. 

She couldn’t even assure him that it was okay when he apologized again - it wasn’t okay. She wanted it to be okay so badly, but it wasn’t in her to forgive him yet. Maybe that wasn’t fair - maybe she was blowing it all out of proportion, but she couldn’t think that clearly at the moment. Rather, she just managed to give him a small smile, still trying to control her breathing and waiting to let herself cry more until she got home. Why did she feel so pathetic?

“Yeah. Okay,” Sadie agreed to his offer to take her home, wanting simultaneously to just get home and to not have to end the night and officially start this break. “We can drive,” she nodded, just wanting to sit down and feeling slightly dizzy. She walked with him to her car, her knees facing the door as she sat down. They had had their first kiss in this car - unable to get close enough to him for her liking. Now it felt like a wall had been constructed between them, no matter how close they were sitting.