vulnerability might just save you

[sadmice]

J. he/him.

This is my blog, where I allow myself to make sad posts about sad things.

“Our darkest nights are made of the hopelessness of nightmares,

in exchange of days filled with the hope for better days” -J. 2023

[sadmice]

I want to be seen,

to have my vulnerable, lonely and suffering parts be seen,

and still be loved.

[sadmice]

It's a special kind of hell to feel attracted to someone who never saw the real, transgender me.

[sadmice]

I'm grieving, and I feel very much alive.

My cat died a while ago, and I really miss him.

I can almost feel him headbutting me in my legs.

I miss his cat smell, his meowing.

I miss how he had chosen me as his special human.

How pure and special his unconditional love felt.

I miss petting him, and seeing him knead blankets.

What hurts more is that I don't feel like he is truly gone.

I keep waiting for him.

Knowing I will only see him in my dreams...

[sadmice]

Living means attaching to things.

People, and they die.

Death, but memory lingers.

Lingering, and I still wait for you to cross the door.

[sadmice]

Compassion so deep, it deepens my grave.

[sadmice]

My compassions weights and sinks the house I live in.

[sadmice]

Compassion, as burden, as shackles.

[sadmice]

Compassion so deep, it deepens my grave.

[sadmice]

My compassions weights and sinks the house I live in.

[sadmice]

Compassion so deep, it deepens my grave.

[sadmice]

I miss you.

Your laughter, your sense of humour.

I miss your art.

I miss your sassy-ness.

I miss you.

And it makes me sad.

[sadmice]

I'm feeling miserable.

Being in the closet as a trans man is awfully lonely.

I want to date, have fun, maybe even find a partner.

But my fears of being outed are too strong.

[sadmice]

It's crazy how the mind works.

I'm now feeling sure that getting adopted by a couple (or a group) could fix me!

I feel like an unwanted dog... or cat...

Ugh.

[sadmice]

I'm just screaming at the void (and random passerbys) at this point.

But... seriously... my family fucked up so bad.

I'm a mess, and I can pinpoint exactly where my shit began to unravel.

My mom hated and abandoned me, my dad loved me and then abandoned me.

No fucking wonder why now, I guess, that I want a daddy to love me forever, and I hate women (because they could never love me)!

(not in a all-women-bad-misogynist way, but in a internalized-misogyny-femininity-feels-bad-way)

I want to cry forever.

Mom felt like a rival... like, how much do you have to fuck up to make a kid feel that?

[sadmice]

I realized I struggle so much with gender not because I'm trans,

but because I had a shitty transphobic mother push her bigoted views onto me.

Had I had a better mom, she would've not only encouraged me, but would have been happy for me to explore my gender and identity.

Reflecting on our past has me going... wow! She surely fucked up my upbringing and failed to protect and care for me!

I spent so much time blaming myself for what was essentially neglect and abuse from her... like, seriously, what the fuck!

[sadmice]

My love is dead.

I won't ever be able to hug him again.

He's not alone, at least, but he's still dead.

In the midst of this grief, I can't look forward.

The light at the end of the tunnel is too bright, and I find myself looking away from it.

Even though I know I must walk forward.

Even with limbs like lead.

[sadmice]

My love is dying.

And sometimes I think the real world sucks.

People are aging and dying, and losing is a constant truth.

Then I login.

Then I see:

someone's kid is having a blast learning something new.

someone's pet is learning a new trick.

someone is inventing a new medicine.

someone is on the streets, rallying for a better tomorrow.

And there is love. And there is laughter. And there is joy. And there is hope.

And not all hope is lost.

And not all hope is lost.

[sadmice]

I wish for a partner who is as deeply touched by a cat's death as I am.

I find it very hard to talk about my sweet boy's death, but I did love him dearly.

He wasn't just "a cat". I've met people who despise animals, and for them, they could be treated like furniture, they don't care about animal welfare.

Well... their loss.

They would never know what it is like to be transfixed by the way sunshine plays on a beloved pet's fur.

Or how sweet it feels to feel one purr against one's hand, knowing it feels safe and content, having finally being able to trust a human, after going through so much shit.

Or how peacefully and lovingly one can sleep in one's bed, dreaming of maybe chasing rabbits, instead of frantically searching for a place to sleep outdoors, in the cold rain.

[sadmice]

Forever feeling like a helpless child.

Without words.

(they've taken them from me)

Without thoughts.

(they've made me feel wrong from it)