I think about the times when we would hoop at the rec, mac on the ladies at the rec, parties, the movies, swimming pools, classes together, etc with the kids I grew up with. Ain’t had no worries.. minimal egos.. where you were at each other’s throats over some sports but nothing more, nothing less. These days, it doesn’t feel like anything that it used to. The sentiment has changed.. Camaraderie is nice and we are social creatures who thrive on social interaction; however, how long can one go through the motions of life feeling superficially connected and be content? As a kid, it’s nice to feel love, even if you are unable to discern what is real vs fake, it is nice. You feel valued, you fit in, you feel accepted.. not a worry in the world.. but when you begin to grow into an adult and ur ways of thinking change, and you begin to search for purpose, meaning, fulfillment, one starts to become in tune with the energies that we all radiate amongst each other. At 26, I just want good energy, honest, genuine energy. As I get older and continue to strive for a better life and create a new identity, there are many who would rather I stay the same.. essentially plateau and be reliant upon them for moral support/happiness. I cannot find any validation from anybody but myself. I’ve experienced far too many times... people who don’t really care about you. On the surface, it is real but beneath it breeds manipulation, envy, resentment, wraith. The thought of entertaining such energy is repulsive and yet I find myself having to do so quite frequently.. it’s like many of us started off close but nowadays we ain’t brothers. Pride and society divided us.. I be thinking how did it come to this? But that is none of my business. If I gave a damn about why others act the way they act or feel the way they feel about me, I would not be where I am today(still a ways to go). This is not to say I don’t think about it and wonder why they feel how they feel.. This isn’t to say it’s a time of burning bridges, but rather building new ones and cultivating other existing ones that show promise. Life continues to pass us by, the older we get, the faster it seems to go.. I live with regret for many of the decisions I have made in my life and I know enough to know I still don’t know shit, nor have I experienced a whole lot like I think I have. There will be many more peaks and valleys.. but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I would rather have ups and downs chasing after what means the most to me (my independence, my goals, my dreams, being vulnerable enough to exchange experiences in life (good bad and ugly), unconditional love, genuine relationships) than playing it safe doing what I know how in a place that is familiar with people who can relate.. The thought of complacency... mediocrity... fitting in (as an adult) for me personally is unconscionable.. it is understandable that most prefer to be comfortable with having familiarity — but I almost feel as though I am not comfortable if I’m comfortable.. I yearn for change. I yearn to grow, I yearn to discover new ideas, interests, hobbies, goals. I yearn to continue exploring... maybe it is because I haven’t found a place that feels familiar. I wonder how my sentiment will be if I do. When I’m not working toward something I feel like I’m dying inside.. it feels like my existence is meaningless. I can’t help but feel like my destiny/path is different from most in that the ways that I think and the things that I value are somewhat of an anomaly in comparison to my peers. I aspire to obtain honor, integrity, trust, humility, prosperity, happiness, meaning, quality experiences that could never be quantified through a picture or even words but something that you must experience first hand.. idk. Stay focused and let em talk.. damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Misery loves company..
