Kris.

[sadness-outofcontext]

I hope someday that someone mentions your granddaughter in passing, and you realize that is how you found out about her, and that it hurts your heart more than anything in this world. I hope it pisses you off. I hope you find my address and show up at my door just so I can open it and shut it in your face, I hope it sends you down a spiral of rage while you continue to deny there being any good reason for it - I don’t know much about my father, but I do know denial is your religion. What I do know is that you have the emotional intelligence of a goldfish. And I hope that torments you the way it torments everyone else who has been unfortunate enough to cross your path.

[sadness-outofcontext]

On December 31st, I became a mom.

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I’m 7 months pregnant and I’m still working in the psych ED with acutely psychotic people, and I’d like to be asleep like 16 hours a day ideally, and idk how I have been or will continue to show up and do this when I am an immobile whale. Or how I will do this ever again while in the new mom trenches. Thankful for the few coworkers who don’t let me deal with the volatile patients at this point. Last week a guy with antisocial personality who was psychotic on K2 kept repeating “there is a baby in there” and staring at my stomach when I was attempting to do his assessment and that will haunt me for a good while. Also that time a few weeks ago when I got backed into a corner by a manic lady who kept screaming that I’m an evil bitch and threw her drink at me.

10ish weeks until maternity leave. I’ve got a 12 hour shift tomorrow but as usual, the pre-shift anxiety is enough to keep me awake at night even while pregnant and perpetually exhausted. I find myself attempting to “control” the type of day I’m going to have tomorrow with my thoughts by not jinxing it - no hoping wishing or praying allowed. If I can convince myself I feel neutral and ambivalent about it, then there will be good luck. But I’m not crazy 🙃 10 more weeks of running my body into the ground. Just 10 more.

[sadness-outofcontext]

No longer in the mood to reintroduce myself to people who have faded from my life for any reason.

It’s been long enough that you can’t even truthfully say you know me and vice versa. We can leave it there.

I’m not going to stop being as busy as I’ve been anytime in the foreseeable future. I can’t fit a catch-up into my weekend, and I don’t have the energy to be sorry about it either.

[sadness-outofcontext]

I used to fantasize about the mountains, and I used to fantasize about New York City, and then I moved to New Jersey and spent 4 years there, and then I moved to New Hampshire and spent 3 years there. I went to raves, bars, clubs, did stupid shit, traveled, and found lifelong friends in the chaos. I climbed mountains (28 of them), learned how to be alone and subsequently how to trust myself, got a dog, got a masters degree, got married.

Somehow, I ended up back where I started in Rochester NY. I have a new career, a good marriage, the best dog and cat in the world (trust me), and my family and oldest friends nearby. I’ve made new friends too. I’m playing music again - I’m practicing and performing again. I’m going to see symphonies. I miss my grandfather all the time. I hate social media with an intense passion and I protect my peace from nosy, unsupportive people. I don’t see toxic family without having to go far out of my way to do so - so, never. The days of the parties are over, and so are the days of weekends spent in the mountains hiking rain or shine. Life is quieter and more predictable, but I don’t think I’ve felt this much at peace in my life.

[sadness-outofcontext]

Hi there.

I think I’m gonna start using this blog again. I’d be absolutely shocked if anyone was still here after all these years, and even more shocked if anyone remembered me.

I’m Kristie, if that rings any bells. I once was a flute studio loser at SUNY Fredonia, and then a Music Therapist in NJ, and now an almost-social worker living in New Hampshire. You probably follow me because of that, or the fact that I’ve seen Streetlight Manifesto in concert 14ish times. Anyways, hello! I’m 30 now and I’ve had this blog since I was 18. What the actual hell. Happy to report my brain is screwed on correctly at this point and I’m no longer looking to run into traffic and whatnot. Cheers!

[blackluv]

this >>>>

[sadness-outofcontext]

That feeling when you simply can no longer be fucked with. It’s a good one.

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Welp. Tomorrow I’m getting back to my NH48 list, and yes it’s going to rain, but that’s just life. Not a good enough reason not to hike.

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I’m really fucking excited to be attending grad school in the fall, so why can’t I bring myself to fill out the forms required before I can register for classes? I have so many things going on right now (one month until my wedding!) and I am just absolutely frozen. Idk what to do about anything.

[sadness-outofcontext]

On a totally separate note, this little town is really growing on me. I feel at home, and that’s something I’ve been missing for the last 5 years.

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Accepted to the MSW program and I’m starting in the fall!

[neckkiss]

[peanit]

t-shirt that says “i rely on pharmaceutical drugs to preform routine tasks”

[verdigrisvagabond]

Booty shorts that say “and then I don’t do them”

[dankmemeuniversity]

[softwaring]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[yinx1]

No lie detected