Things my 34 year old self wishes He could tell my 15 year old self.
Don’t let that teacher take advantage of you. He seems cool and supportive of you, but he is a creep and manipulative. He does not give constructive criticism, he projects his own insecurities and hangups.
Find a way to stay involved with Tennis even through the end of Senior year despite your commitments to the Drama Club and One-Act Play. If you aren’t able to do this, at least try to avoid having a falling out with Coach Johnson, you’ll miss that relationship. And don’t take too many breaks from playing tennis regularly. It will always be a healthy and fun outlet, embrace it.
Start preparing for college NOW. You’re already behind at this point. You do okay in school without trying very hard but college is worth striving and trying for. Don’t worry about what college or what major yet. That will sort it self out in time, but don’t wait for it to all fall in place. It will be so much harder the longer you wait.
Ask out more of the girls you like. You’ll be surprised by how many of them are interested in you, and while none of them are likely to be great loves. It’s better than doing nothing and being left with regret and memories of loneliness. And it’s not the end of the world when someone says no. You already understand that well enough. Just do it.
Go on that family vacation in summer of ‘99. You missed out on so much quality time with your family, some of whom won’t be around for much longer. And living vicariously through the stories and wonderful memories they have of that time is not the same.
Be there for Travis even more than you already are. Be his friend and brother. Stay involved and don’t let yourself get too estranged. You might not be able to change the tragedy yet to come, but you can try. Just be there as much as possible. And don’t underestimate that the good work you do for yourself can be an inspiration to him. Don’t shy away from that, from bringing him into that world with you or encouraging him toward his own.
If you stay in Austin or Texas in general for college, move away immediately after graduating. Several of the most important people of your life you will meet between the ages of 18 and 21. But you can venture out to NYC, Chicago, or somewhere else for five or six years. Just consider coming back to Central Texas by the time your twenties wind down for the next big & great things coming in your life.
The first time you see her and she sees you, she will be instantly smitten with you, but you don’t actually meet then. Change that. Introduce yourself. Start falling in love with each other a year and half earlier. You’ll be so much happier to have the extra time. It might not change how things end up in the long run, but you won’t regret having any extra time with her.
Tell her everything. Don’t hold back any part of yourself or your story. You can trust her and she will accept you. Forgive yourself and embrace the light in yourself, so you can fully embrace the light she brings into your life and so you can be a light for her when she needs it.
If you get married: Don’t fret over the small details. Make absolutely sure that the photographer understands you don’t want to spend much time taking a million variations of family and wedding party grouping photos taking away precious time from the reception. Don’t put off the honeymoon. Save up for it, schedule it, and go.
Stay on your meds, stay in therapy. Don’t stop working on yourself. Do the work. Never stop.
Be bold and confident in yourself. In life, love, and with your career. Nothing will ever go as planned. Failure will be rampant, but not forever.
Don’t get trapped by your sense of duty. Your loved ones are far from perfect, but your support and self-sacrifice isn’t going to heal you or make anyone else happy. Being there for each other is a two-way street.
Write. Write all the time. Never stop writing. And keep it all. No matter how trite or convoluted or just plain terrible. Keep it all. Re-read things. Re-write things. Steal from yourself when you find something good amid a lot of not so good things. Don’t delete blogs. Don’t throw away journals. Write and hold onto to every precious and embarrassing word.
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