Take one last look around. Take a break. Think about what you want. Start over when you are ready to. Take the first step toward what you want.
i don't do bad sauce passes
Show & Tell
Game of Thrones Daily
$LAYYYTER
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shark vs the universe
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ojovivo

Origami Around
hello vonnie
cherry valley forever

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Love Begins

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izzy's playlists!
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Acquired Stardust

blake kathryn
almost home
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@sadnessbling
Take one last look around. Take a break. Think about what you want. Start over when you are ready to. Take the first step toward what you want.
Floating (2016) by Gianni Passeretti
Quote by Unknown
Facebook just reminded me that this is my six year anniversary of the last time I used ecstasy & Crystal meth. 5 ½ years of cocaine sobriety. 5 years since I quit smoking. Just over a year and half since last time I abused prescription narcotics. Iffy on the exact date of my alcohol sobriety. But all in all, have to be impressed I’ve stayed sober through all this.
I mean I am still putting all kinds of terrible shit into my body to cope. Although I’m tying to wean off processed sugar and carbs for a while.
God give me strength. Tom Cruise give me strength. Prince & David Bowie’s ghosts give me strength. Mother Earth give me strength. The power of Adele's voice give me strength.
Things my 34 year old self wishes He could tell my 15 year old self.
Don’t let that teacher take advantage of you. He seems cool and supportive of you, but he is a creep and manipulative. He does not give constructive criticism, he projects his own insecurities and hangups.
Find a way to stay involved with Tennis even through the end of Senior year despite your commitments to the Drama Club and One-Act Play. If you aren’t able to do this, at least try to avoid having a falling out with Coach Johnson, you’ll miss that relationship. And don’t take too many breaks from playing tennis regularly. It will always be a healthy and fun outlet, embrace it.
Start preparing for college NOW. You’re already behind at this point. You do okay in school without trying very hard but college is worth striving and trying for. Don’t worry about what college or what major yet. That will sort it self out in time, but don’t wait for it to all fall in place. It will be so much harder the longer you wait.
Ask out more of the girls you like. You’ll be surprised by how many of them are interested in you, and while none of them are likely to be great loves. It’s better than doing nothing and being left with regret and memories of loneliness. And it’s not the end of the world when someone says no. You already understand that well enough. Just do it.
Go on that family vacation in summer of ‘99. You missed out on so much quality time with your family, some of whom won’t be around for much longer. And living vicariously through the stories and wonderful memories they have of that time is not the same.
Be there for Travis even more than you already are. Be his friend and brother. Stay involved and don’t let yourself get too estranged. You might not be able to change the tragedy yet to come, but you can try. Just be there as much as possible. And don’t underestimate that the good work you do for yourself can be an inspiration to him. Don’t shy away from that, from bringing him into that world with you or encouraging him toward his own.
If you stay in Austin or Texas in general for college, move away immediately after graduating. Several of the most important people of your life you will meet between the ages of 18 and 21. But you can venture out to NYC, Chicago, or somewhere else for five or six years. Just consider coming back to Central Texas by the time your twenties wind down for the next big & great things coming in your life.
The first time you see her and she sees you, she will be instantly smitten with you, but you don’t actually meet then. Change that. Introduce yourself. Start falling in love with each other a year and half earlier. You’ll be so much happier to have the extra time. It might not change how things end up in the long run, but you won’t regret having any extra time with her.
Tell her everything. Don’t hold back any part of yourself or your story. You can trust her and she will accept you. Forgive yourself and embrace the light in yourself, so you can fully embrace the light she brings into your life and so you can be a light for her when she needs it.
If you get married: Don’t fret over the small details. Make absolutely sure that the photographer understands you don’t want to spend much time taking a million variations of family and wedding party grouping photos taking away precious time from the reception. Don’t put off the honeymoon. Save up for it, schedule it, and go.
Stay on your meds, stay in therapy. Don’t stop working on yourself. Do the work. Never stop.
Be bold and confident in yourself. In life, love, and with your career. Nothing will ever go as planned. Failure will be rampant, but not forever.
Don’t get trapped by your sense of duty. Your loved ones are far from perfect, but your support and self-sacrifice isn’t going to heal you or make anyone else happy. Being there for each other is a two-way street.
Write. Write all the time. Never stop writing. And keep it all. No matter how trite or convoluted or just plain terrible. Keep it all. Re-read things. Re-write things. Steal from yourself when you find something good amid a lot of not so good things. Don’t delete blogs. Don’t throw away journals. Write and hold onto to every precious and embarrassing word.
Six (paragraphs) for Saturday
Stay up late (even by my standards) last night and slept in this morning, missing a work call for set construction for the play I am currently in rehearsals for. Even if I had not slept in, I imagine I would have skipped the work call because I awoke with searing right shoulder pain that radiated up my neck and down my back.
I toss and turn all night, even during a good night’s rest, so it is not uncommon to wedge myself into an odd position and awake with some aches or discomfort. But it usually goes away in a few hours and after some OTC ibuprofen. That did not work today. I was an easy 8 on the pain scale (10 point pain scale used commonly at Doctor’s offices). And that is saying something because I have a high threshold for pain.
My mom gave me a tramadol, which she is prescribed for chronic pain after a severe broken leg and knee replacement from years before. She also insisted I put some peppermint oil on the pained area because she is into that essential oil stuff. I’ve tried it before, hasn’t done much for me but I say to each their own.
I dragged myself to the theatre by early afternoon because I was helping run auditions for this summer’s children’s show “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”. I am assistant directing and playing the role of Dopey (trust me the irony is not lost on me) as the sole adult playing a dwarf character for added comedic effect. My mentor john does his auditions differently. It’s all theatre games and improv. Focuses on the ensemble and spirit of collaboration.
He then builds the show and writes the scrip tailored to his cast. It went well today, had fun getting to play around even with the pain. I also found out that the coming season of the Playhouse is likely going to include Tom Stoppard’s classic “Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead” and I would be playing one of the two leads if I am available. Very excited about that notion, as it is a great play and I’ve never done any Stoppard before outside of some scene work in school. I harbor a desire to direct his adaptation of Chekhov’s “The Seagull”.
I now find myself wondering and researching the internet to see if I might have been bitten by a spider and that is causing my pain. I do have a bite mark on the back of my neck near the pained area. I have an appointment with my new Doctor Monday morning, so hopefully it will either go away or I can just tough it out until then.
Bored out of my fucking mind and too sad to read or watch stuff about Ali. Was skimming Netflix to watch something dumb and distracting. Started watching the first season of the "Scream" tv series that airs on MTV and it so fucking terrible. The dialogue and acting are just atrocious. Wooden, rife with lazy stereotypes, and modern day teen show clichés. It's a shame because Kevin Williamson's concept is pretty solid for a TV adaptation of his original film series. Just makes it interesting enough to keep watching, like a morbid curiosity.
Trying to understand if I'm having an urge or a desire.
As in “Do I have a sudden urge to die, or is it something I desire?” Leaning toward urge. Another way of saying it could be: “I wish I were dead right now.” Tomorrow I will probably feel differently but being triggered in a major way right now.
Sadness, disappointment, confusion, frustration have all been regular visitors lately but at this exact moment it is transforming into hatred. Feels like God hates me so why wouldn’t I make the feeling mutual.
Lucky says "I can't wear orange today because I don't wear clothes, but I will nap upon this orange box in support of National Gun Violence Awareness Day." #catsofinstagram #stopgunviolence
Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I’m heavy, like there’s too much gravity on my heart.
Sarah Ockler, Twenty Boy Summer (via thelovejournals)
Night time is really the best time to work. All the ideas are yours because everyone else is asleep.
Catherine O'Hara (via wordsnquotes)
A lot of things I see or do remind me of you. It’s like you’re everywhere and yet nowhere
igotyoudarleen (via wnq-writers)