(a life in review - friday, november 1st 2013)
i had an entirely meaningful, thoughtful, and contemplative post written out here about the events that transpired over the past six or so days and essentially my entire life from the point that i recall the first full memory about ten years ago, but i lost it because i keep forgetting that the read more function is not the same as an LJ cut and i deleted everything.
i think i will be taking a break from this blog for the foreseeable future - or, well, forever. as it stands now, while i thought this was a good outlet, and maybe the writing parts were, i think it has only served as another place to wallow around in my sickness and intentionally trigger myself like some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy and allow anyone that wanted to the option to look at the disgusting person i was/am and possibly do them harm in the process as well. while i think it is everyone's own responsibility to care for themselves, i also feel that i don't need to contribute to the already countless number of blogs and people here who are doing the exact same thing. i won't delete this blog, i don't think i could, but there won't be any other posts here.
i wish you all well, i want the best for all of you, but it's time that i started to truly care about myself and my healing. i don't need a public blog to share my pain and suffering with the world. i do that enough in other ways. if i need a blog at all, it is for recovery, and the discovery of my true self and identity - something i have never had a good grip on, and what happiness means, looks like, and feels like for me.
i'll be back with another blog, another URL. tumblr is too addictive to just completely leave, of course. but instead of leaving a very obvious trail and setting myself up for the same pattern, i will stop here. i don't think i connected very much with many (if any?) of you, but if for some reason you want to come with me, see where i'm going, then send me a message and i'll give you the new URL. even if we don't know each other, haven't spoken even once, i love all of you that i follow, those that follow me, too, and i'd be glad to take you with me...as long as you fit along with what i'm trying to do. i can't let myself dwell around in the negative anymore, but i know how much of a comfort it has been to me for so long and how it most likely is still to many of you. if that is where you are, i love you so much, but i can't take you with me. find me when you've found the small light in your darkness, when you've decided to move beyond and go into it. we can try together, then.
i love you all with all the love i never had for myself, and as i try to move forward, i am wishing this for all of you. we will find a way to stop hurting ourselves in all the many ways we've found along the years, no matter how long it takes, or how much it hurts even more to try something different. i won't let something(someone) that happened to me so long ago take what is left of my life. i acknowledge that it has never gone away, that it was melted itself into every aspect of my life, but it doesn't have to stay that way.
deep down you know that, too. whatever happened to you, you deserve to live your life.
i think i've said just about all that needs to be said, and this feels too dramatic for what it superficially looks like, even though this could really be a major turning point in my life. on november 12th, 2013, i will be 22 years old. i have decided that it has come time to let go and move on. 14 years lost to childhood abuse, 10 lost to overwhelming mental illness. i can't cure myself, but i can heal. i'm ready and i want to. i want to live the rest of my life being as happy as i can possibly be.
goodbye and good luck - you are worth more than this, you only need to see it for yourself.
