meow

I'm Sae (she/her), I'm in my 30s. I share about life/therapy/trauma stuff and reblog things I like. If you want to know more or get curious, asks are always welcome.

[sae-something]

About - pinned post

I'm Sae (she/her), I'm in my early 30s and living in the Netherlands. I'm mostly sharing about trauma/mental health stuffs. I regularly write about A, who has been my therapist since september 2020. She's pretty awesome. I also mention HT, who has been my haptotherapist since early 2019. In [this post] I explained the basics of what haptotherapy is.

I use this blog to write about my personal experiences with therapy and life, and to reblog things I like or relate to. I also like interacting with my followers and answering asks.

Basics & boundaries

I am an adult in my thirties; I do not feel comfortable following people under 18.

Asks are always welcome (though I may take time to reply), but please remember I’m not a professional. I can however give more general advice and/or speak from experience.

I try to tag common triggers [format: #thing tw], you are always welcome to let me know if you need something tagged and I will see what I can do.

[sae-something]

I HATEEEEEEEEEE transference. I hate attachment. I hate wanting soooooo badly for A to love me. it feels absolutely unbearable. I don't want to talk about it because I fear if I talk about it too much, eventually she'll feel she'll have to remind me, ever so gently, "you know what this is though Sae, right? this is safe and I am real but I cannot be that" and it will ruin me. it will wreck me. as long as I don't look, I can pretend. I can pretend that she loves me. I can pretend that the warmth in her voice means she loves me. I can pretend that her words mean that if she had known me back then, if she had known back then, she would have saved me.

I don't want to know more of her because what if I learn something that'll break the magic of pretending that I finally found someone to love me. I know it's not real. I know she gets paid to see me. I know she is genuine and I know love is easy to her, but I'm not delusional, I know I'm a patient. I know we have something after seeing each other so regularly for so long, but I also know it's not love.

I just want to keep pretending. I just want to keep pretending that she loves me. I need to have this experience of feeling like someone can see so much of me and love me. like someone can listen to all those little girls and truly hear them and care for them and love them. I need to keep pretending. I need to not lose this magic because I have to admit I'll never get any of what we missed out on and this is the only thing we'll ever get. I'm not willing to lose this play pretend.

I can't look at her because what if I look at her and I lose everything.

(for context I need to add that the Dutch words for "love" or "to love somebody" feel a *lot* more heavy to me than the English words. so that makes it even worse. like I can barely pronounce "I love you" in Dutch because it feels so heavy and formal. with friends we just say it in English lmao)

[sae-something]

How are you doing? Is it better with A now?

I think so! She was off of work last week and on monday we had a very meta conversation about our relationship, how it developed over the years. We really talked in depth about the period after her partner had a pretty serious accident and had to have multiple surgeries over the course of ?a year? - long time followers may vaguely remember this. It was really rough and it was very beautiful/special to be able to look back on that with A now. She was very open & honest about how that played into how she was towards me then - and how that may have continued to have an effect between us.

Some things she said were not easy to take in, but because she was so honest herself it was manageable to talk about it. It has left me feeling very raw and confused. Not necessarily in a bad way, I'm just feeling a bit (okay: very) weird about it. I'm both relieved and anxious to have an online session tomorrow. I hope we can talk about it a bit more.

I dunno, there's probably so much more to say about this, but I'm really exhausted so I'm gonna leave it at this (also it all feels very uninteresting for people to read so I feel self conscious about that). But it means a lot that you were thinking of me & sent this ask, thank you!!

Hope you've had/are having a nice day <3

[bysen]

It’s been a long day

[sae-something]

Had such a weird but beautiful but confusing but special conversation with A yesterday. It made me feel wobbly in a way I don't really have words for. Maybe just something that got really close? I don't know. I don't really have much else to say about it, but I (accidentally?) planned my week a bit (too) full so I don't really have time or space to sit with it, so this is just me putting it somewhere. I feel weird. But good? But weird?

[firstethicalpisces]

girl nothing is ever gonna be all the way together just enjoy the bits and pieces #yourfragments

[sae-something]

Holy shit I vaguely followed a combination of two online recipes and made such a delicious salad for dinner that I had to pause shoveling it in my mouth to make this post

Now I can keep eating

[lamignonette]

[sae-something]

My brain came up with a scenario of what may have gone down between my parents after they read my letters. I just imagine my dad walking up to my mother, I imagine him vaguely waving the letter in his hand and asking her: "... is it true?"

And then my mother just very flatly tells him, "No, of course not, I've been saying, something is deeply wrong with Sae, there's nothing for us to do at this point".

My dad just nods and says something along the lines of, "Hmm, yes, okay" - and then he walks to the garage to do whatever the fuck he's been doing there for the last two decades.

And then that's that. That's how easy it is to erase me.

On repeat, on repeat, on repeat. And with A on vacation, it becomes increasingly harder to resist the doubts and the denial. It's probable nothing ever happened. I stare at childhood photos realizing it's straight up impossible that that woman put her fingers inside of that child. I probably made it all up anyway.

It's not even triggering anymore, the denial. It's just tiring.

[sae-something]

also I entirely forgot to make a post but: my nose piercing is back in!!!! it hurt like a total bitch because while the hole was still open, she had to stretch it and I lowkey felt woozy from the pain but it's back in and once it was in it didn't hurt anymore. it felt a little swollen/red for a but but I think it's back to looking normal & healthy & clean now!!! here's to a smooth healing and tysm to everyone who gave support/advice when I was stressing the fuck out about it <3

[sae-something]

sooooo. the couple that used to be my baby sitters from when I was like ... 4 years old or something. like, the next best thing to parents. who are saying they're not picking sides between me and my parents, but who are also mostly ignoring me and all my attempts to come see them for dinner some time.

next week the dude is celebrating his 50th bday and they invited me bc their attempt at "not choosing sides" I think mostly means "we invite Sae (and not parents/sister) to all bdays and otherwise we don't see/talk to Sae".

but I asked him if he has any bday wishes and he replied "a book that you read that you think I should read!" and just. how fucking funny would it be to disclose the mdsa to them by giving a book in that range lmao. not doing that, obviously. but how funny would it be. how funny. (not funny but also very funny is the answer to how funny it would be)

anyway. I think I may give him Piranesi!! he's a puzzle dude who loves history and stuff. think he will either hate it or love it but considering it's one of my 5-star books... sounds like a plan. but maybe I who have never known men is also a very good option...

okay readers who have read both: what book is better for a 50 year old white (christian) man who loves puzzles and history? i'm leaning towards Piranesi but curious what other people think

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

sorry to be a broken record every month but christ menstruation is a stupid concept. oooooh excuse me for not getting pregnant, why the fuck is there goo falling out of me about it? grow the fuck up and reabsorb that shit for nutrients.

[torstherapy]

[pigswithwings]

the fascinating thing about being abused is that years later youre gonna be there sitting around going "okay so what now". cause like theres no instruction manual is there

[pigswithwings]

youre gonna be buying groceries and then youre gonna remember you went through all that for literally no good reason and youre gonna go Oh Okay and put paper towels in your bag or whatever

[kosmogrl]

get in loser we’re gonna try again despite it all

[sae-something]

Look into the mirror 'cause I know it never lies - what is staring back at me that has my mother's eyes?

(...)

Standing here alone among the quiet when it's done, no point trying to save somebody who's already gone

[yesornopolls]

have you ever been brought to the hospital in an ambulance? (as a patient, not accompanying someone else)

Have you ever been brought to the hospital in an ambulance? (as a patient, not accompanying someone else)

Yes

No

Voting ended onMay 31