Self Discovery or Bust @saediel - Tumblr Blog

💕

I would do anything for you.

&& unlike the ones before you; I can't lose you.

#in love #i love you #don't let go #concern #fear #bated breath

My boyfriend and I in a nutshell.

Happy 3rd year anniversary, sweetheart. 💕

You are my everything.

100 days in the NICU.

I've been laughing at this for awhile. My boyfriend humors my shit posting and kicks it up a notch.

I am so fortunate to have two caring partners.

One of sixteen years.

The other of almost three years.

They never give up on me, even when I give up on myself.

This journey hasn't been easy, but each day we get closer to bringing my LO home.

Being a NICU parent is probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to adapt for and endure.

My daughter just turned a month and a few days. But I have only just been able to hold her for a few hours each day this week. I had gone almost 25 days without holding her.

I live at the hospital, two and a half hours from where my home is. Outside of the hospital staff when I visit, I'm alone 5 days out of the week until Trib can drive up and spend the weekend with me and our little one.

She is in a plastic incubator and I normally just sit and read to her. Or stand and stare into her plastic "home."

Nothing tears my heart out more than when she clamps down and stops breathing. Probably the most mentally and emotionally drained I've ever been.

Every three hours I have to pump. Which gets to be fairly exhausting in the early hours.

She was 16 weeks early. We've gotten to her 29 week point and are still climbing. I heard her voice yesterday for the first time. She didn't have tubes in her throat or a mask covering her nose. She tolerated prongs until the mask had to come back on, but I will tell you one thing. There's nothing in this world I wouldn't for her. I love her so much..I can't wait for this to be nothing more than a bad dream and she is home and healthy for good.

Both of my partners have kept me afloat. I don't know how anyone could do this alone..

I am fortunate enough to be staying in Grand Junction for as long as it takes..

Able to see my daughter whenever I want helps me more than anyone knows.

She's 27 weeks/three weeks old since she was born.

She's a fighter. She's fiesty and I will never give up on my little one.

Happy anniversary, my dearest.

11 years married.

16 years together.

I'm so fortunate you found me. I am who I am thanks to your love and care.

Tomorrow we are reunited with our daughter in the NICU...she will be two weeks old..

Still 16 weeks premature, but she's a fighter. She's fiesty.

She's our miracle.

After a long month of complications and little peace, my daughter was born 16 weeks early.

I've lived in the hospital for a little over two weeks this past month and did all I could to keep her in the womb. My water ruptured last Tuesday and I was 3cm dilated. She tried to come on my birthday, but we were lucky enough to get her one day closer to 25 weeks.

I've never felt more helpless in my life.

The next week will make or break my reality.

She has to survive.

She must survive.

Fight, Saedie. Fight.

I never knew I could love anyone as much as I love you.

I feel a lot of emotions, and my heart is fragile, but it's hers. Everything I am is hers.

She's literally all I've ever wanted.

None of this feels fair, but I fall to my knees and beg the universe to protect my daughter. Please. Just this once. Please let me hold onto this happiness. This bliss. To this one thing.

I've been in the hospital since Monday. A roller-coaster of emotions.

I have to have a simple operation tomorrow to ensure the safety of my daughter. Trib has barely left my side. Erny has been so supportive.

It's made all the difference.

I am somewhat afraid, but I am hopeful for the best. My daughter is kicking and active. Her heartbeat is strong.

I'd do anything for my daughter. I love her so incredibly much.

I would be a liar if I said I wasn't scared.

Some days I really wish I knew exactly how you felt about me.