Pudge Observes The World: Squirrels
Squirrels - Or as I like to call them Kamikaze Tree Rats. These fuzzy little shit tards are the worst. For those of you that live in an area without squirrels, let me summarize the squirrel experience. You’re driving down a neighborhood road right? On all sides, massive trees, hundreds of years old, one every 30 feet or so. Around the bases of these trees and up and down the trunks scurry these little balls of fluff and additude. Squirrels. Now, the road ahead is clear. No obstructions, no hazards. You roll along at a leisurely pace. But suddenly you see movement off to the left. A squirrel on the side of the road 60 feet ahead has taken notice of your approach.
His mind races. Could you be a predator? It’s too dangerous to assume otherwise, he has to run to safety. Now. Instead of running up the tree a few feet to his right, this paragon of intelligence and tactical thinking spots a tree 100 feet away on the other side of the road and deduces that said tree is the only avenue of escape. He HAS to get there. So, at the last possible moment, our hero shoots across the road in a blaze of triumphant purpose and confidence. Thinks better of it and turns around halfway to run back. Forgets why he turned around in the first place and doubles back again to run to the original goal. Realizes he could’ve just kept going and he’d have been safe at his first tree, runs back, suddenly decides the second tree just LOOKS better and goes back, remembers he left the stove on at home and runs back around to correct it in a panic, realizes his girlfriend is home and most likely turned the stove off but he doesn’t want to go and make sure cuz then she’d want to talk about her day and he’d be stuck, turns to run to the other tree, sees that there are a couple black squirrels on that side of the road and even though he’s not racist they make him uncomfortable and he doesn’t want to risk a confrontation, you know how black squirrels are, so he whips around and runs back, but wait, there’s a sale at the supermarket near the other tree and it’d really save him time to run errands once this whole life threatening event thing blows over! Turns around, runs back.
This all happens within a span of like 2 seconds. Meanwhile you are barreling down the road at 35 miles an hour. The fluffy moron waited until you were 15 feet away before bolting out onto the road. And now you have this panicked, fuzzy, brown blur, zipping back and forth in the middle of the road like a ping pong ball at the Chinese Olympic tryouts. And the path he’s pacing is the EXACT WIDTH OF YOUR CAR, almost ensuring that he’s going to get hit. So you have to swerve or slam on your brakes if you’re a soft bitch like me and don’t want to splatter the stupid furball. Finally as you fishtail away, narrowly avoiding an accident and drawing the amused gaze of seemingly every bystander within a mile, the squirrel runs to the other side of the road, where the black squirrels remark in their charmingly simple way on his close brush with death. He finds a surprising comradery with them and they later become fast friends helping him to overcome his subconscious prejudice. His clingy brown squirrel girlfriend was killed in a housefire that night while he was away. Investigators said the flames originated from the kitchen. He met another fem squirrel at the supermarket, a black squirrel, and they fell in love.
And then he was run over the next day by a guy in a pickup who doesn’t give a shit about squirrels.
tl;dr Squirrels are either the dumbest fucking animals you will EVER encounter. Or they are by far the most clever and evil little bastards on the planet with the sole purpose of wiping out humanity one car wreck at a time.
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