If he'd only thought about it for more than two seconds, though he may have been too exhausted, nerves too frazzled to, and if only he'd logiced it, as he does his puzzles, his battle strategies, and if only he'd paid attention to the ways in which his magic attacks would crack and tremble at the lack of resources to hold their form, it would have become so clear, the answer so Simple, how could he have been so addled by his desperation to be Worth something, to be Someone, to help, to calm, to soothe and save, to be a good influence, to be Admired, that in his own actions he had completely failed to be any such thing?
No, he saw this pattern emerging again, and he would not let it come to pass, Blue had magic to spare, even then, he wouldn't have fallen down, at least, not at the rate he'd been going, but he wasn't planning to find out if Dream even could, though his self proclaimed fasting and dedication to whatever he thought his craft was did not seem to be, at least for the present moment, made out of an urge to get and be Better, and did infact seem to be of self punishment for his horrible transgressions of, Blue must remind himself, Tripping, it still needed to be nipped in the bud nonetheless.
Though belatedly, and with no small modicum of disdain for whomever had grown and nurtured it, it wasn't a Bud anymore, no, it was more like cutting down a tree with garden scissors, and all Blue could hope to do was chop, and chop, and chop, and strike at it, have them grow dull, resharpen his implement, chop and cute and try again, no matter how many years it took him, all while gathering seeds and seedlings before they bloomed into an entire, unbreakable forest.
Yes.. when put like that, what an ardous task it seemed indeed.
Well!
He chops the carrots with perhaps Too much strength.
Blue was Nothing if not insistant in his efforts, maybe it was the only good thing his younger years revealed about him.
Tossing them gently into a boiling pot, Blue places a hand on his chin, the other stirring with a wooden spoon as he hatches out his plan, using, of course, simple logic.
If complex, emotional mathematics and 'If Then' and 'If Also's didn't work, then fine, he'd just use rudementary, two plus two is four, and he can figure out a way to fix this.
If we consider that Dream thought his transgression was breaking the pumpkin, in other words, two, and not something else he did that day, and if we also consider that Blue's comforts and attempts at calming did not work because they were not addressing the root cause of the issue and instead the shallow end of it, as in, cutting off the moldy part of bread instead of tossing the whole thing as In, again, another two, then the solution should be.. it should become obvious.
Yes, that's it!
If we consider the small variables of not actually having two twos, and instead having one, zero point nine, and the zero point one of Dream thinking himself lesser than Blue, then the answer would be for Blue to bring himself down to his level, and how? Well, it did become obvious then, he checks his cupboards and huffs to himself, a small, satisfied sound, and closes it.
He keeps stirring the soup.
Yes... This Will succeed.
A small surprise comes in the form of Dream, when approaching Blue to help him with setting up the tables (of course, standing abruptly from where he sat on the couch, spacing out and waiting), seemed to, for a moment, have his eyelights flicker out and Blue, with his mind a second later to his body's reflexes, swiftly switched which hands were holding what and grabs tight hold of his charge to yank him forward against his body, his arm tightening around his waist to keep him upright from falling.
With a glance to check that nothing has falled from his waiter-like hand, he frowns down at his charge and his slightly tampered breathing, quickly tossing the dishes into his inventory (it will be a small issue to regather them later, they were only two sets after all), and readjusts his hold to check him better.
He slides one gloved hand against his cheek to find no fever, and moves it down to his chin to lift up his head.
He finds his eyes hazy, not quite finding his face yet, and his frown deepens.
"Sunshine? You with me, love?"
He does not respond to the nicknames, Dream merely groggily blinks, then rapidly, then squeezes his eyes shut before his expression goes a bit slack.
Blue tilts his head, acutely aware of the way his legs ever so slightly tremble against his own.
"Dream?"
"..."
Finally, he lifts his gaze, eyelights dimmer than Blue remembers them being (which was.. quite a bit already), and focuses, slightly.
It is quiet for a brief, full moment, and what almost appears to be panic almost, Almost fits over his expression, before it disappears again.
Blue had seldom opened his mouth to offer platitudes before it was replaced by what appeared to be.. he couldn't tell, he'd only blinked and Dream's head had gone near limp against his chest with the most resigned sigh of a sound he'd ever heard, it had him blinking in confusion.
Was he-
Not, afraid?
Was this worse??
Dream didn't lift his head again, he didn't even tense, just fully let his body be held up by Blue, as if he couldn't find the bother to do anything else.
Well.. ah.. this.. certainly moves his plan up a bit, he'd been planning to do it after dinner but..
He tightens his grip.
"Come on, let's get you sat."
Dream merely nods.
Blue helped him move to the couch, considering for a moment that he might carry him in his weakness, after all, Blue didn't quite catch whether he'd fainted or not, before thinking better of it.
He didn't know how his lovely ward might feel about it, and though Blue normally would not give such an act a first thought, much less a second one, he knew others did.. for whatever reasons they did.
(Again, Ink a beetle, Blue the branch)
So he simply went and guided him there, once he was sure thet Dream would Not pass out again, if he had at all, and grabbed the soft, light blanket he always kept on the head of his couch and wrapped it around the child's shoulders.
"There... now."
He stood straight and again, the look Dream gave him was not afraid, but weary, his body Almost relaxed, but on the wrong side of the word, as he simply watched and waited.
Ah.. how uncomfortable to be looked at that way.
Blue made up his mind.
He held up a finger.
"Wait."
And made his way to his kitchen, opening this cabinet and then that one- there, yes, just as he'd left it, and grabbed the small gourd he'd bought when Dream was not looking.
He went back to the living room, eyes following him lazily, an understanding that Blue was not sure of What, dawning upon them slowly.
Still, Dream did not make a move.
For once in his life, he'd just let himself slack in his seat, it was... Uncomfortable to look at. Not like this.
Blue took his time in carefully moving the table out of the way, and then considered the small carpet, and then decided with it rather than against.
He'd grabbed the pumpkin again and stood a little ways away from where Dream's head aimed before it lolled towards him, that is, right infront.
Blue lifted up his arms, behind his head and, with as much force as he could muster, smashed the pumpkin against his wooden floors.
Dream startled, Blue, satisfied, for only a moment, before he blinked.
It..
Rolled onto the other side of the room, unmarked, Dream blinked at him rapidly once he'd taken his eyes off of it, concerned, confused.
...ah..
Blue felt a blueish haze make its way up his cheeks..
It.. had not broken as he had intended, the plan- faulty, he had failed to consider, that, normally, pumpkins take some force to..
Ah...
He felt immediate embarrassment.
He'd been- hoping, to impart a lesson on it not mattering, what he had done, that if Blue could do it and go unpunished, then Dream could too, that if it were a simple mess up deserving of nothing more, then that it is what it would be, and laughing at the smashed fruit on his carpets and hardwood floors, he'd triumphantly give a small, simple speech to explain his reasoning, with his emotions, carefree as always, doing the brunt of the work in getting his point across of course, and while Blue would normally hate to waste such perfectly good food, he'd hate even more for Dream to be upset, and therefore, it was a thing worth wasting.
Of course, he hadn't had Full faith that it would work, he might be playful and poke a bit of it on Dream's nose and hope he felt his mirth at the fact rather than the anger that he seemed to be expecting, and yet- and yet,
He'd made a miscalculation.
He scratched at his head, shifted, shifted again, in an effort to alleviate whatever it was he was feeling.
And now his charge was, at least, wide awake, with no vestige of tiredness about him.
Dream blinked again, then his hand flew to his mouth with a shudder of the shoulder and a clipped exhale of air.
Blue blinked, looking at him, face even bluer than before in great- wait.
Wait.
Had he just-
Had he just Laughed??
Dream all but bit a finger, curling his hand against his mouth in a fist as if to prove that he had nothing to hide and, mouth trying its very Hardest to stay in line, curled his shoulders in inward as his eyes kept their hold on Blue's, unmoving as his body Attempted a failed hide.
Blue blinked again, and again, and covered his face in the expected reaction, nothing if not to hide how Exciting this was.
Had he just, truely, actually, seriously, found his blunder amusing?
He- this was completely unexpected! Completely unprecedented, what was he to say to that, what was he to do? Had he even seen it right? The Slightest curl of the jaw before Dream covered it up? He was only a child of course, they were bound to find such things funny but, Had he??
Dream cleared his throat, failed, did it Again, was that not proof enough? Oh stars above, this was a better result than even the one that he had planned for.
He removed his hands at once, slowly, looking sheepish, and Dream as well adjusted himself to seem very alert and poised, Composed, the very picture of someone whose mouth did not tremble in something that for once was not tears and whose shoulders shook in what was Definitely not mirth, oh Blue had seen it before, none were better at hiding it than Dream.
He rubbed the back of his neck, awkwardly going to retrieve the thing that which chose both trick And treat to give him, and picked it up.
Ohhh stars above.. it was not the softer variety, the only reason that one broke was because it was a softer variety, and this one was smaller as well, it would take more force, and the straight Wood versus the hard dirten Streets-
Stars, he was fumbling.
Blue cleared his own throat as well.
"Ahem," he coughed into his fist,
"Dinner?"
Dream rubbed his own cheek, nodded, politely stood up (subtly bracing himself on the armrest if the couch) and walked a few steps before aborting the motions and doubling back to re-set the blanket, seeming if even a bit slightly helplessly confused as to where it had been originally, in his brain fog.
Blue plucked it from him, feeling his face still slightly warm- but only slightly! As he folded it neatly back on the couch (he was very adept at doing such things one handed)
He gently guided Dream with a hand between his shoulderblades, this time touching, back to the dining table.
Well, Blue thought as he poured him the food,
Maybe he could learn to "juggle" eggs next, or a pie gag? Maybe he should ask his brot-
Dream was eating slightly better than he has in paster days, and Blue nearly chokes on a mouthful as he resists the sudden urge to groan in dismay.
Stars.. oh above end him..
He'd love his brother's stupidly idiotic puns.. wouldn't he.
To say the atmosphere between them had been tense is paster days would be an.. understatement, unfortunately, honestly Blue felt like He was the one in trouble with the way that Dream kept avoiding him.
If he was barely there before, then he was a consistent presence back then compared to now, which- honestly Blue had expected the exact opposite.
He'd expected Dream to, what was the word, overcompensate? For his mistake by being more present, attempting to take on more, choke back more before he could chew it and pretend it didn't hurt him, but he Hadn't.
Instead, he avoided Blue like the Plague, actually, moreso like a noble in some stories Ink had told him (whether they were fictional or not he hadn't asked, sometimes he just.. didn't want to know, Ink was a delightful storyteller either way) like someone you couldn't afford to disrespect lest they have your head or something, and so couldn't outright run away from as one would a sickly rat (Ink had told him that was actually a myth in about.. some percentage of AUs, he couldn't quite remember the exact number. Fifty percent? Forty nine? Fascinating stuff), but that you'd otherwise do your damndest to get away from.
Blue knew better than to get hurt by it, he Did, he just- he missed him, was all, he missed being around Dream, he thought they'd been getting better, and they Had! He just- he didn't know, maybe he wasn't as good at this as he thought he was, if such a small mishap could cause such a big reaction.
He breathes in deeply and exhales, bracing his arms against the counter where he was drawing floorplans for a treehouse.
He shouldn't blame himself so much, someone else, or someone Elses, had done work on Dream before he got to him, and they all did such a Horrible job, Blue would never have let him, let It, get this bad, never, he couldn't blame himself.
This was just like.. this was just like bad construction, or a badly made weapon, it wasn't your fault it was faulty, you just had to fix i-
Oh stars above what was he saying, thinking of Dream like an object? He needed to get it out of his head.
He sighs, rubbing at his face as he takes his reading glasses off, staring down at the blueprints infront of him.
He decides to roll them up to try and work on them another day, he could lose focus right now, and the last thing he needed was the whole collapsing in on itself, god forbid with Dream inside it.
He stands for an.. embarrassingly long time, infront of his door.
It was just a little late in the evening, the sun not having set Quite yet, but just enough to make the sky look a beautiful orange with more than enough lights to go around for skeleton eyes to see, and he'd thought of asking Dream out to the garden with him.
Of course, all the beautiful, flowery description didn't apply here, in the Omega timeline, magic to create a day-night cycle would be far too excessively demanding for anyone to sustain on a day to day basis, though their scientists were still working on it, and so the void in which it existed (he didn't like thinking about that) remained bright and white and as clear as winter. And it wasn't like most monsters, him included, had much of an internal clock like humans did so, there wasn't much difference for him to be honest, they just rested when they got tired or when the clock said to.
He didn't know why he was so nervous, it wasn't rejection he was scared of, stars, Blue would Rejoice if Dream rejected him, he supposes it was the exact opposite, he was afraid of making Dream uncomfortable, he was afraid of- well, he didn't know what Dream felt towards him ever since their outing, and he desperately didn't want to overstep, he'd never been this insecure about anything before, much less a close relationship, much less with someone it was His job to take care of, Blue usually asked so openly to hang out, this was- but Dream wouldn't say No to him if he wanted to, he wouldn't even hint at it, he'd just point blank agree, and Blue didn't know how to get it into his head that he'd Like it if he said no sometimes, even most of the time! If the word entered his vocabulary at All.
He was getting frustrated, he knew that, it wasn't Dream's fault but he had no one to actually blame, anyone who'd caused this was, apparently, long since dead, and while Blue mourned for that loss of life, he also mourned for the fact he couldn't give them a piece of his mind.
He was Frustrated, too frustrated to be standing infront of his door like this, no doubt Dream felt it, and he felt Bad about it, but he didn't want to make him feel rejected either, like Blue was Punishing him for what he did, like he didn't Like him anymore but the alternative might have been considered worse and- Blue wanted to bang his head against that door! He felt like an ant circling inside of a chemical marker's circle, misinterpreting unnatural signals and not knowing where the hell he was supposed to be going, if he could just Talk to him-
Blue squared his shoulders with a sigh, forcing the frustration to seep back into him, locking it in a box, and throwing it out to sea.
The sea was getting quite full though..
He'll ask him tomorrow, in the morning. He'll ask him tomorrow.
Blue deflated.
He really, Really hoped that Dream could at least sense the source of his frustration, it would make it so much worse if he couldn't.
He turns on his heel and goes back downstairs.
Blue doesn't recall the last time he'd spontaneously gotten out of the house.
Everything was routines now, which he Did Like but- he doesn't recall the last time he'd spontaneously done Anything.
In the morning he wakes up early, goes on a walk, talks to his brother, gets back home and makes breakfast, does council paperwork if there's any (it's sent to him via mail, that is, unless someone feels the need (or just want) to drop it off personally, usually either Core or Ink)
He does physical therapy with Dream, takes him out for an hour to a meadow (he'd appeared the closest to sleeping that Blue had ever seen him, when they'd go, either that or they'd picnic, or he'd wander around (he'd stopped doing the latter recently)), they rest, have lunch, they go out to the garden (Dream had also stopped wandering around there as much), they're left to their own devices, they have dinner and then Dream retires to his room.
If Blue tries to initiate more time spent with him he completely freezes, so Blue had just.. stopped, decided to not throw any wrenches in their current life in the form of spontaneous "hey would you like to do something together." stuffs.
He'd stopped asking Dream to help with the food as often too, because usually, Dream would come down by himself, but he's stopped, and Blue took the assumed hint and didn't want to bother him.
He sighs.. stars above.
He'd thought of visiting Stretch the other day, the way he used to, sleeping back at his other house for a while whenever he was free, but wasn't sure that he could find anyone to look after Dream while he was gone, and had scrapped the idea. Not to mention that if something Did happen, he would be a full universe away, not just a run or a car ride, he wouldn't be able to get there quickly on his own, he'd have to figure out how he would get there (unlike Core and Ink, Blue could not seamlessly appear and disapear in any universe he'd like, and unlike Most sanses, he could not teleport either) and- while yes, he could ask Core to keep an eye on him through their periphery, he was –for some reason– anxious about the prospect.
He didn't want to, he didn't want to leave Dream on his own, even if it was only for a few short hours, Blue generally didn't buy things in bulk anyway, he'd run to a nearby store to get whatever it was he needed, enjoying the scenery as he went and browsing along as he did so, but he found he went straight back home these days, going in, getting what he needed, and leaving, he felt he was rushing everything, but for what he didn't know. Even during council meetings (during which he vehemently refused to discuss his charge again until the matter was dropped) his mind stayed at home, fingers tapping anxiously along with his feet as he kept glancing at the clock, waiting so that he could get back to him.
It wasn't a recent change, as in, it didn't start a few days ago like Dream's disappearances had, but it was a gradual one, and while Blue highly doubted a frog could not tell it was in boilng, too hot water, he himself certainly hadn't noticed.
It didn't help that he hasn't seen Ink in a while either, they hadn't gone out to the markets yet, and now that he was thinking about it, he hadn't seen them for a While, the last time he could recall was when Dream had unceremoniously been made known to the council, and though he'd been somewhat angry at them then, he hadn't seen them since.
He missed them, Blue missed ink, and his brother, and Error.
Oh stars above.. Error.
Sometimes he simply couldn't get out of it, Blue knew that, Error wasn't the sort of person you could cancel plans with without billions (at Least) ending up dead, and Blue wasn't naive enough to think that he'd be an exception, distractions worked wonders, but only for so long, so whenever blue, tingling strings would come up, or usually come down, on and wrap him up in their embrace, he'd just be comforted by the fact that, at least, the stove wasn't left on this time.
It's not like he could tell Error much about Dream, but it's not like he didn't know anything about him, he knew of his existence, knew he was a guardian that Blue was taking care of, found the information-.. inconsequential, which was an utter relief, and hadn't asked about him since, and while Blue has asked that he make Sure he knew Dream's code by checking it, so that he wouldn't accidentally erase a universe with him inside, Error had waved him off. He'd done it, but he'd waved him off, and honestly that was all Blue could ask of him.
He missed Error too, if he wasn't lying, he did, even if he saw him more than almost everybody else he loved, he still missed picking at the little blue string tied around his finger as a question of if he could come over, he missed not worrying about how long it would be until he got back home. Usually he only did if he'd been staying with Stretch (the two did.. not like each other, to put it in lightly) but now he found he was doing it every single time, and Error was coming close to noticing.
All this would be solved if he'd had a babysitter, what a concept, but he didn't have anyone he could trust with Dream, not fully anyway.
Ink was far too inconsistent to trust to be there every time, or All the time if he'd been summoned (more like found), Core was busy and but a child themselves, his brother surely wasn't responsible enough, and Error.. well.. he... Ah, how to phrase this in a nice way, he.. wasn't good.. with children.
There.
And the council? Oh, he'd sooner cut off his Neck (he wouldn't, but, you get the point)
And so, Blue found himself endlessly stuck at home once again, at least he had some puzzles to entertain him, but even those he couldn't fully enjoy when not sure that Dream was truely okay upstairs.
Is this why people had multiple children? So they could entertain each other? Probably.
He just...
....
Well, he was sure that they'd find him eventually.
Blue's hand hovered at Dream's back as he led him into the infirmary, a local thing, a fifteen minute bike ride away or so, a half hour light jog, and a five minute drive by car that they had to take, because he knew Dream simply wasn't well enough to go at it marching.
Not that he did well in cars but, well, better discomfort than pain or injury? He thinks?
He was, as always, ramrod straight in spine, and clasped in hands, the picture perfect of a polite, blank face covering his skull, as Blue led him away to a chair to sit on as he spoke to the receptionist.
They'd done this before, it was alright.
It was a regular thing, he tried not to let himself worry too much, after what happened last week, he didn't want to trouble Dream with even more negative emotions than he had already, stars, but like a thought the feelings would be beaten back, shooed away, only to appear again like a slowly moving mist; you blink, and suddenly, it's back.
He chatted amicably, the usual greetings, hello, how are you, are we still in for that appointment? Yes, that time, yes, that name, yes, that doctor, yes, we will wait, thank you, as his mind flittered about elsewhere, mapping the recent occasions in his mind Again.
Dream had been acting withdrawn, well, moreso than he always, constantly was, and Blue had no doubt in his mind as to the reason why, he had a lot of time to think again, with that creeping fog at the back of his head, as he set about arranging the stuff they'd gotten into cabinets and drawers and a too full fridge, because one of them certainly, kept refusing to eat.
Eating, what a strange thing to do, to put something in one's mouth and chew it, swallow it, and have it be absorbed immediately into one's magic, they didn't really throw up the way humans did, or other monsters in fact, skeletons, he means, they Could, it was just.. hm, well, suppose it was more similar to other monsters than he thought; simple magic.
More similar to humans, too, Blue thought as he went to sit by his charge, still unrelaxing though Blue tried so very hard to coax it out of him, with a slouch he hated to present, a reminder of his lovely lazy little brother, yet Dream did not choose to bite his bait or match him.
Again, he supresses a sigh, again, he worries.
It came out as magic, half absorbed, one could not quite describe its colour for most as one might ink, black and tarry, no, it was... Again, he did not know how to describe it.
He didn't even know why he was thinking about this, hospital, Dream, food, lack thereof, there we go, he supposes that was a connection.
He'd made sure to guide him to the most secluded corner he could find, thankfully, he was happy to see not many were about here, in this cold waiting room, and nor did any of them seem particularly urgent in a needing matter.
He relaxes, truely, this time, always a guard he supposes, Dream still does not copy.
Eating, eating, food, there was an informational to his right, packets of all sorts of knowledge from familair, medical, mental, a simple guide on the checking in procedure for those who were anxious, and a thing on various foods one needed to eat to be healthy, depending on species, type, and why. Two sided, one for monstere, one for humans.
How sweet, he thought, to not waste paper.
Either ways, his charge couldn't read it, and even if he could, he doubted he would follow, he'd been abstaining more and more lately, a self punishment, he guesses, since Blue apparently refused to give him one he'd deserved.
Half heartedly he'd considered it, something to be "framed" as a punishment when it was anything but, as in, oh, you must eat this candy in under a minute, that is your punishment, or oh, you must help me again in the gardens, that is punishment as well, do it, and that will be enough, but his soul wasn't in it, he couldn't bring himself to do it, he did not want to encourage in Dream the notion of deserved punishment, and for what, a broken basket of eggs? They weren't in one basket, and even then, Plastic, he did not Care. And he didn't want to encourage in him either the view that anything fun Could be punishment, Dream barely allowed himself to enjoy anything as is, he seemed calmest outside, doing things, he'd begun, however briefly and far in between, to accept the sweets Blue would give him as a framed "reward" for all his hard work in tasting his dishes and helping him clean and helping paint (they'd been learning to mix and use acrylics, with the lightest brushes Blue could find, of course, and the highest quality ones, lest Dream break one by accident and find the blame in himself), but they'd had to go back to the basics of it, that is, what they were doing before, with wooden pencils and set aside markers, because Dream seemed to be getting notably anxious at his lack of knowledge of what he was doing, after his "mistake", that Blue could not bear watching, so he'd feigned boredom and asked if they could go back to which he, albeit very eagerly excluding his usual delay in mental translation, had nodded.
And so, they went back, and while it didn't fix any of their Immediate or current problems, it at least prevented another one from being added to the mix and so, Blue would take what he could get.
He seemed to be doing that a lot lately, he thought with slight disdain, a quickly smoothed over curl at the corner of his mouth..
It had been working though, his usual strategy, he'd "accidentally" make the food too bland for his own tastes and lament about it going to waste, and then look at Dream somewhat helplessly who, in turn, would tentatively suggest that he eat it himself.
Blue would delight, sag in relief, and thank him profusely, and Dream would give a strange, pinched look to the floor as he took his plate, and Blue would try his very hardest to not let it affect his feelings
It was a lot of work, he found, to be in constant suppression.
But, the tricks worked, and even if Dream Knew they were tricks, to which Blue wasn't sure, he Allowed then to work, or at least pretended to be fooled and so Yet Again, he's happy with what he gets.
His leg thrums like a rabbit's against the floor, traitorously giving away far too much, and he puts a stop to it immediately.
He hands Dream a brochure, one aimed at children with more pictures than words, if nothing but to entertain him, and he takes it, carefully unfolding it to look at the designs inside, giving Blue some comfort that he was distracted (or at least appeared to be) as he retreated back into his own thoughts.
Dream really was an absolute sweetheart, even beneath all of that.. fawning, he thinks he's read it being called (he'd found a stack of books on his bedside once after an outing, the Slightes smudges of colour marring wherever his friend's deft, nimble fingers grabbed to touch, and so sighed, and set about reading them, he'd been meaning to pick up some anyway.
All were outdated, dreadfully so, and he thinks that that may have been on purpose, after all, every time he goes to check out a book on child psychology from the librarby, he finds it already gone, he was beginning to think that Ink was impeding his research on Purpose, and for what, to delay helping Dream? For some strange, unforseen goal he refuses to disclose, as he always did? What did he say, something about it being more fun to find out things himself?
Whatever it was, Blue had given up, he wasn't Angry, he was just- mildly bothered, he loved to help, and he was not being allowed to, and hasn't been in some time, and so the expected frustration had drowned itself away into a simple, near acceptance.
A near thing.
He knew he stood no chance against Ink, not really, he was just like that sometimes, he always seemed to know what he was about to do before he started doing it, like someone else had told him, but he had to at least Try, he'd thought of asking Error to get him some materials to work with, only to shake away the thought immediately, it would not work, Error would not care enough to comply, especially with his current short temper at Blue not spending enough time with him unless he was dragged.
Oh what a complicated thing this all was.. no matter, whatever meaning Ink wanted him to discern from those dusty.. for lack of a better word, Tomes, he would, he'd do it, if only for this nightmare puzzle his friend had given him to end, with no name, and no known discernable exit.
Seeing from his peripheral that Dream seemed absorbed in the pamphlet, he lets out a small, short breath, and rubs at his face, before crossing his arms again and leaning his head back against the chair.
No doubt the child had noticed the movement but, whatever.
Oh well.. he could always ask his team, it was a good option, maybe even the path that Ink was nudging him towards, besides, speaking to someone else always helped him retain information better than just reading, and he highly doubted any book he could get would have a chapter on "Taking care of a strange-speciesed child who is closer to a god than not that you are suddenly given after them being a statue for half a millennia (oh, and, who has a missing brother they seems haunted about) 101" so, yes, maybe speaking was the way to do it. He only hoped they were in today, mental health specialists in the Omega Timeline were so, So high in demand.
He'd leave Dream to do his magic and marrow tests and hop away for a quick fifteen minute chat, yes, that'll be good. He found he didn't have the mind or will to voice any true questions, nor stomach any discussions, at their now "every two weeks" meetings. They'd moved on to.. oh what was it called.. Egyptian.. rat stew? Screw? Screw, yes, whatever that was, he couldn't even remember the rules of the game right now, he didn't care to.
Ah, and there he goes doing it again, wallowing in self pity while his charge was in range, stars above, he probably wasn't even paying attention to the pamphlet on.. what was it? Had he even checked?
Blue tried to force his mind to clear, to think of a.. flowing river or, lovely, swaying trees or something.
It doesn't work, of course, it never does, but he tries to anyway, though images and thoughts and ideas and words keep flowing through his memory, he forces his heart to be an uncaring rock, feeling nothing towards them.
Eventually, their names get called- well, his, the first time they came they'd called Dream's and he'd jumped, so Blue had quietly told the reception to file them away under "Blue" instead.
Still, his attention was had and he sat somehow even Straighter than he already was.
Didn't his spine Hurt from that? It must've, right?
Blue gently tugged the pamphlet from his hands, and Dream snapped his eyes towards his for a brief bout of eye contact before immediately looking away, and letting go.
He set it back down with the others and stood, guiding Dream, again, further unto the hospital.
He spaced out while the child changed, Dream didn't seem to have as many qualms about it as most people would, and Blue generally didn't mind, but there was a curtain between them, so it was used.
Check in, talk, check out, go home, early dinner, rest for Dream, bed..
Who knew sleeping so much could be so exhausting?
Blue was trying to set a good example, he really really was, but he'd just spend hours within the bed in mild, annoyed misery rather than sleeping for more than three to five, usually four hours every night like he used to, counting sheep over and over again until he nearly gets to a few hundred thousands and gets utterly bored with it.
Was it even actually helping? He couldn't be sure, it was giving him a headache That's for sure, but if Dream lay awake as well, he'd feel his bother, so, what even was the point?
He just- wasn't built to rest that long, he Knew that, Logically, he'd always been like this, working and jumping from one thing to the other, but he couldn't very well call Dream Lazy for resting, because A) he was unwell, and they didn't fully know or even understand to what extent and B) he was just a child, but he couldn't- stars he could just See his own hypocrisy here, in insisting that a guardian needed rest while he, a mortal, did not, Dream would definitely see it too, so he had to keep laying in bed, night after night, and trying.
Stars.. what could he even do at this point?
Dream came out of the changing room with his hands on his chest and his circlet still on his head which was fine, no one was going to take it away from him, and Blue gently grazed the back of his hand against his cheek as he turned around, allowing him to swiftly begin tying up the back of his hospital gown. Dream still had difficulty with motors, as expected. Blue gently led him away when he was done.
He didn't even know if Dream enjoyed his simple touches at this point, he felt like he didn't know Anything, but it would break his soul if Dream thought he wasn't worthy of his affectios, that Blue was purposefully withholding it from him due to something he allegedly did, but Blue would Hate to make him uncomfortable and to make him think that he just- Had to put up with adults doing things to him that he did not want to do, he was stuck in somewhere worse than a rock and a hard place, because at least you could Chip at a rock, at least you could Wiggle, Maybe, against a hard place, pluck off your own arm to make room, chew it, but what was he supposed to be doing Here? Doting on him? Not doting on him? If only they could just- Talk!
It wasn't like it was with Ink, who, to put it simply, could be ragdolled around and still immensely like it, or with Error, who made it very, Very abundantly clear if you were doing something he didn't like, and so you never had to worry about overstepping and him not telling you because oh, he Will be telling you. Blue really liked that about him.
Dream just didn't react, he gave him nothing to work with, his mask was getting better and better, tailored perhaps specifically to Blue himself and his own emotions to block Him out, defensive structure aimed around keeping exactly One person out, and while Dream slipped here and there, most of what Blue did he did while guessing, reaching out blinded and hoping he didn't smack a vase by accident hard enough to fall, hard enough to Break, because blindfolded as he was, how in the stars was he supposed to find all the pieces to fix it back together?
If only they could just talk, he told himself as Dream sat down on a too large bed that he had to be helped into, if only they could just Talk, that would solve all of their problems.
But again, it ran in circles and again, Blue didn't have to feign bother.
The usual medical personnel began filing in soon after, and Blue stayed close to Dream, who was pressing down on every last digit of his fingers, one by one, hand by hand, before going back and doing it again.
Blue tapped his feet exactly twice before he stopped himself as they set up machines to track his soul's signals, beating, magic input, etc, the screen hummed on with soft, repetitive sounds
Blue turned to him, Dream pointedly kept his eyes away.
"I'll be out," he gestured to the door, then pinched his fingers together "and I'll be back in a bit, very soon, you wait here, okay?"
"..."
Dream nodded.
Blue smiled at him, hesitating for a moment, before pecking his cheek.
"Good boy."
Dream didn't react.
He reset the plasticky curtain behind him as he went outside, only to bump into the very person he was seeking.
"Oh! Well, hello doctor!"
A polite inclination of the head met him before she straightened again, piercing pupilless yellow eyes looking down at him.
"If i could have a moment of your time?"
She was Dream's chosen psychologist, or, therapist, maybe both, Blue still couldn't quite tell what the difference was. It wasn't because she couldn't be all three.. no.. she'd just stated that him having someone specifically Inclined in their studies towards those with unusual magic types would be better, if the matter eventually came down to medications, Blue had agreed.
She was tall, imposingly so, with perfectly symmetrical horns atop a head of soft white fur, long, she Almost looked like his queen, a Toriel in other terms, but.. not Quite. Her build in skull shape was closer to an actual goat than not, even if you couldn't see her mouth. Claws that were always out yet somehow never accidentally caught on anything.
Technically, the pronoun was incorrect, because her original language didn't have such words, whatever it was, she'd spoken it once to him but his mind couldn't quite focus on it, and for convenience's sake, had elected for him to use "she", or "they", or both, they'd shrugged slightly, it did not seem to matter, to them.
Veliel, she'd dubbed herself, even though her name as well appeared to be impossible to pronounce, stood waiting for him to make his point. He opened his mouth to do just that.
"Well.. you see, i was actually hoping that we could-"
"Ah, excuse me, Mr. Swap?"
Blue turned his head towards the nurse, noticing unconsciously that Veliel did too.
"Yes?"
"Will you be long out here?"
He frowned.
"I'm.. not sure, why?"
"You might wanna come back in."
Blue's hackles immediately raised.
"Why, what's wrong."
"No no, no no, everything is alright." The nurse placated with a laugh "it's just-" they looked back briefly "he seems a bit nervous without you around."
"...
"..
".....
"Pardon?"
"Well, you know, his soul rate started going up a bit after you left the room, nothing major, but noticeable, if not to calm him down then you should at least be present so we can get accurate readings."
"...."
"Not that our machines don't account for stress, mind you, of course they do, but if he were calm we wouldn't need to triple rather than double check later."
"........."
"... Mr. Swap?"
He snapped out of it.
"Oh- oh, yes, sorry, i uh-" he cleared his throat "ahem, I'll be back in- in just a moment."
The nurse clapped their plethora of hands together, unevenly.
"Wonderful, don't be too long now!"
"Of cou-"
But they were already back in the room by then.
Blue turned around.
"Sorry for the delay, as i said i was hoping we could talk.. about..."
Veliel patiently waited.
"...
"Ah, nevermind, I'll- maybe we can schedule a talk? For later today? If you're not too busy of course."
Veliel nodded, Blue proposed a time, they amended, he agreed.
The hallway was left empty once again.
"..."
He buried his face in his hands with a frustrated sound.
Of course, of course, he'd literally Just thought about it earlier in the waiting room, you can't just introduce new variables when things become unsteady, that was rule number One- of course Dream would get nervous if he left the room, for all he knew Blue Hated him now.
He flapped his hands around a bit in frustration, looking up at the ceiling as if it would give him answers.
He felt- Blue felt-
He felt incredibly stupid, for making such a silly mistake, he felt- he'd been feeling like an idiot as of late, he knew it was the stress, he was thinking too much, not Moving enough, when was the last time he'd talked to another person besides Dream or Error or the council or the medical team? Too long. When was the last time he even saw his brother face to face? Too Long. He knew all this already, he didn't know why he kept Forgetting it!
He felt so completely out of his depths here, he felt every time he made a clever ascertation about Dream's conditions and or thoughts and or ways to help him he ended up stumbling on the Stupidest hurdles, who overthinks giving affection to Children??
Him apparently, because he had no idea what Dream wanted, because Dream would not let him know, and now with him waiting out in the hallway he was probably getting even More antsy and- god forbid, stars above, could Ink not have given him a Manual?
He never used to get so frustrated, never, he felt like no one was on his side with this issue and at least with Error he could understand reservation but Dream was just a child, and the council wanted him for themselves, and Ink both refused to help him and actively seemed to impede his attempts at it, and Dream would refuse to disclose anything, and he wanted to have fur or feathers or hair to rip out to make himself Feel Better.
He allowed his tail to summon momentarily, lashing it about the empty hallway in clear frustration as he groaned into his hands, fluttering about the tip, but not hard enough to actually rattle.
No one was Helping him! It felt like he was expected to solve a problem with the people who Wanted him to solve it actively preventing him from doing so, and refusing to acknowledge that they were, oh he'd throngle Ink when they met again but knowing him the man would probably just like it why did he refuse to Help him!! He kept leaving "hints" but not showing himself! The last time he gave actual advice was When, of course, the lovely council made it clear that they-
"Mr. Swap?"
"Yes-" he unsummonwd his tail, lowered his hands, lifted his head "yes i- I'll head in now, sorry."
A nod, it closed again.
Happy thoughts.. happy thoughts.. he could not let Dream feel this.
He steeled himself, as he'd done so many times now since they'd met, and waltzed back into the room, an easy smile on his face.
Dream gave no indication that he felt better with him there, he was too focused looking away from his arm, where they were just beginning to rub a gel at the wrist of his bone to soften it enough to where a needle could go through without much pain, numbing cream no doubt mixed into it, stars, why hadn't Blue even Asked?
He wanted to deflate into a sack bereft of air as he approached the bed-chair thing again.
He'd dropped Dream back home when he was done, with strict, internal instructions, self made as they were, to leave him alone for the rest of the day.
This at least he knew, This stressor he knew how to alleviate, gods, why couldn't he the Others?
He'd left some food for him and made it clear before he left, jogging rather than walking to burn off some energy as he made his way back over to the hospital.
Oh glorious legs.. stars was he glad to have them.
He made his way in quickly, sat down, got up, made his way again when time came, it was "night time" by now, so most of the hospital was quiet as he made his way into a back room, closing the door behind him gently. He was delighted to find that the light was low and non fluorescent, yellowed and almost seeming like candlelight. Without knowing it, he found himself relaxing.
He found Veliel there, sitting straight up with her hands folded neatly infront of her as always, on her ornate office chair.
(It was only an office chair because it was in an office, otherwise, it might have been considered a somewhat modest throne)
She gestured for him, with a slight incline of her head, to sit, and he did.
Even in her chair she was still taller than him, and her head tilted a little bit to the side so she could properly look at him.
"Greetings." Her voice was hoarse, but not in the overtly used or underused way, it was just.. so.. no, correction, her voice was not hoarse, but it was the closest way to describe it.
She'd have been intimidating to anyone else, he reckoned, but, well, Blue didn't exactly have a track of having non-intimidating friends.
Not that she was his friend or anything, just.. he doesn't know. Coworkers, almost, battlefield buddies.
The arch of her horns almost made it look like she was crowned, and he thinks, belatedly, that she looks like.. oh what was its name.. the devil? A creature from some universes' mythologies that Ink had shown him.
He thinks vaguely that maybe his own universe had such a thing, but it was mostly human in culture, and so he couldn't remember.
He greeted her right back.
He wonders if Dream would be find the stature intimidating. Certainly she seemed devoid of most emotions, at least externally, so maybe that would help?..
She was perfectly centered against her desk, parchment papers and feathered quills and ink wells settled around it in maximum neatness, yet, her head never lowered, honestly if you weren't paying attention you wouldn't be able to tell that she was even breathing.
"I am glad that you have found the time to come into my office this evening, what ails you, and covets your mind's attention?"
"The same thing as always."
He fiddled with a frayed end of his glove, he'll have to ask Error to fix it later.
"How has your charge been."
"Bad." he sighed "He's been. Stressed, lately, we had an outing.. thank you," he accepted the teacup she handed him and set it down on the table, not bothering to ask where she got it from as he traced the golden rim of the cup "about last week now," he shrugged, taking a sip.
"Didn't go as well as planned."
"Do you care to explain?"
"Sure."
Blue stared down wordlessly at the warm, almost golden liquid.
".. I see." She tapped her chin twice, before folding her hands again "Not an unexpected reaction, but an unfortunate one nonetheless."
"Tell me about it."
"..."
She inclined her head the slightest bit. She hadn't blinked once during their entire interaction, she barely blinked in the entire time he'd known her "you seem to be stressed as well, am I correct?"
"Mmhm."
"Why?"
He paused.
"Well, why not?"
"You are avoiding a direct answer."
He supposes that he was.
"Do you think that we can.. actually.. you know.. eventually help him?"
"Undoubtedly." She straightened her head again. Had she had regular joints, it wouldn't be able to move the way it was.
"Though I know many languages, I am regretful to say that I know none that can help as of now. But, he is young yet, we have time."
"Right."
"Tell me what ails you." She asked again.
"You're not here to help Me."
"Am I not? If you are unwell, your child shall be as well."
"He's not my-!"
He felt his spine rattle in embarrassment at the implication, and he quickly cleared his throat.
Though her face did not move, even when she spoke, he could still tell she was doing this on purpose.
If he kept avoiding her preferred topic of conversation, she was just going to force him to confront it by giving him one he'd Really rather not talk about.
Didn't mythologies like rules of threes or something?
She repeated herself.
"Tell me what ails you."
He sighed.
Guess there was no avoiding this.
"I just.. i feel like I'm running in circles." He admitted "i feel like.. no matter where i get with him it's not- it's not actually where i Should be.. i feel-" he set the cup down "i feel like I'm picking up grains of sand one by one to uncover- something, because if i use anything bigger, or move any more than individuals at a time, then the whole thing will collapse, and i- i won't be able to fix it."
He could tell that Dream's trust in him, if he even had it, was such a delicate thing, he was guarded that was for sure, and Blue wanted so badly to be on the other side of those walls, but he couldn't nag, or charm, or soothe his way into them, he couldn't open that door, and he couldn't force it open either.
For Error he just had to take the long way round, like a maze with many, Many pitfalls, for Ink he needn't enter at all, the walls were there, adamantly, but they were transparent, and they could wave at each other through the arm's length of a distance that Ink kept him at, but Blue had no idea how to get through to Dream.
Does he step closer? Further away? Does he reach? Withdraw? Does he speak? Stay silent? Does he soothe? Leave be to his own devices? He had absolutely no idea what he was doing and it bothered him, it bothered him greatly, he'd been trying to learn to speak Dream's language too, because it would be unfair to expect him to be the only one who put in the work, he knew a few words from Error's.. real.. show, though it didn't aid much, and yet again, he gritted his teeth, he could barely find something to Help.
"And it's not like i haven't heen careful, it's not, i have been, I've been trying so, hard to control myself around him because i don't want him to get spooked-"
"Spooked of what." She interrupted, and he blinked.
"My- my worries, my emotions, we theorised- the other members of his team, i mean, that if he substates himself on positive emotions, that negative ones might harm him, so I've been-"
"So you have been suppressing?"
He didn't get where he was unclear.
"Yes."
She leaned back in her chair the slightest bit, and he straightened up in turn.
What was it?
"You mustn't do that."
He blinked at her again, incredolous.
"Of course i must, if I don't then-"
"He will not know that you worry?"
"No, that's not what i Don't want him to know, I don't want him to know that-"
"That his suffering pains you?"
"No!- i want him to know that i care, of course i do, i just-"
"You will scare him even more by doing this."
"I- what?"
She tapped her claws against the table.
"As of right now, he is getting used to being near you, you are setting up a false expectation in his mind of what that will be like. You will inevitably, as some might say, pull the rug from beneath his feet."
"I wouldn't Do that." He defended quietly "he deserves better."
"Do you think that you can suppress forever, then?"
"Forever? I won't need to do forever, i will just need to-" but he paused, because-
"...
"Ah-"
He felt his face flush.
He hadn't thought about this.
Well, he Must've, Surely he must've, such a detail would not have slipped his mind would it? And yet-
And yet-
Forever? Was that how long Dream was going to stay here?
Certainly he hadn't wasted any expense furnishing his room. And Certainly he thought of emptying a room downstairs and moving him into it, so he wouldn't have to tire himself out going up or down the stairs. And Certainly he'd thought of Making him some sort of treehouse outside, because he clearly enjoyed it more than being indoors, and Certainly he'd- he hadn't- he hadn't really thought about How long Dream would be staying with him. Months? He already had, what then, Years?
Decades?
Centuries?
Forever?
Blue felt his soul thrumming quickly, again, and in his embarrassment, had everyone else thought of this But him?
He wouldn't hand Dream over to anyone else, that was for sure, he wouldn't trust them to (and why? Why was that? It wasn't as if he didn't know anyone trustworthy), and it wasn't as if he expected him to move out into his own home anytime soon, he aged far too slowly for that, he was still just a child and yet-
And Yet- what Was he expecting?
Veliel stayed quiet as he had his realisation, and he pressed a hand against his own cheek with a very long drawn out exhale.
How far into the future had he planned this? He hadn't even Questioned it when Ink had dropped Dream off with him, he hadn't even thought to Ask. Did He know? Did Ink think about this or had it slipped his mind?
He felt, stupidly, like an animal in- a bird documentary, with an egg suddenly placed in its empty nest and, ignoring any function of higher thought, ignored questions of where it might have come from, and simply sought to take care of and keep it warm.
What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all?
He'd thought, for sure, that when, and he insisted that it was a when and not an If, they found Dream's brother that.. what, they'd be sent on their merry way to live alone again? Ink had said they Had no parents? How long had they been alone? Did they even have a house? The way Dream acted didn't seem to imply it- stars above did Dream love the outdoors because he used to Live there? No wonder he was so good at spotting difference in plants, scents and sights and trees, had he Had to? Was that all he'd had to Eat? Surely not, surely someone else at least must have Tried to keep him fed, he knew what bread was, and tea, and soups and porridgs, so someone must have.. right? Dream had spoken to people, he knew that, he'd drawn something that looked like a village once but- but if they had been cruel, as he so suspected, would they have been bothered to?
Veliel tapped her claws again, drawing back his attention.
When his brother was found, would Blue be taking care of them Both?
"You need to set realistic expectations for your relationship with your charge," she stated "you may be gentler, you may be kinder, but you cannot keep pretending forever."
"But.. i-"
"This is a short term solution" she reiterated "one day you will not be able to hold back, and you will scare him, you do not want that."
He truely didn't.
"If he is to live with you until he is of age,"
And how far into the future would that be? If even? If he even wanted to Leave, maybe Blue thought Dream wouldn't Want to live with him forever, maybe in not thinking about this he'd fallen into the very same trap he'd abhorred so Much in everybody else; the thought that Dream was too good for caretaking.
"Then you need to let him know what to expect. You cannot hide your emotions from him forever. You may believe you are doing him a kindness," she said, "you are not."
...
"I just want to help." He defended weakly.
"You are not."
... Stars above, Blue felt Humiliated.
"Allow your emotions to flow over you in whatever way that they will, no one is kept safe if they are kept ignorant."
He nodded.
"As of now, he may believe you to be a shallow river, do not let him think that, make it clear what you are."
"What if i am a typhoon?" He asked.
"Then you will teach him how to swim."
He looked away.
"It is not as if you have a temper, or a flare for surprises, you simply Feel, as anybody else does."
"I don't want him to get overwhelmed."
"Then let me ask you this; what example are you setting by suppressing?"
He jolts.
"Precisely."
She truely needn't say anymore, he thought she sensed that as well.
"Have you food when you hunger? Rewards when you do well? Have you rest when you tire, and weep when you despair?"
"...."
They both knew the answer to that. It was the correct one.
"Go home to rest, let him Know and See that you rest. You are not on a temporary battlefield, your house is his home now, your usual acts of strength and courage will do him no good there."
"...
"Thank you Veliel."
"In kind."
He tilted his head.
"You refuse council."
He snorted, and ignored the crack in his voice.
"I suppose."
They sat quietly for a little while.
"...."
Blue reached into his satchel.
He didn't need to have one, he could just use his inventory, but.. it was made by Ink, by Hand, not painted, he liked using it, and, besides, placing a bunch of unstapled papers into an extra dimensional void was.. never a good idea, he liked his things organised.
He set the papers down on her desk.
"I've.. been making notes, of both whatever words i could get the meaning of, you'd think there'd be less," he laughed "and um.. let's call it.. Relevent information."
She tilted her head.
"I think he's scared of me."
"Ah, understandable."
He.. Really wishes he could take away how awful that made him feel.
"I was hoping we'd bave the time to discuss them today."
She didn't move her head, she didn't need to, she saw the clock easily from where she sat.
"Go home, Swap, you need to rest."
"I'd.. I'd really rather.. not."
"...."
....
"Very well," she conceded "just this once."
He exhaled.
"Thank you."
"I truely don't want him to think I'm intimidating, you know?" He waved a paper around. Stars, he'd never spent a night outside of that bed just- actually Doing something in Ages.
"I understand, it may play its part positively eventually."
He snorted into his hand, his voice teasing.
"Veliel.. was that a Pun?"
"I have not the slightest idea what you speak of."
He shook his head, looking the pages over. He must admit, his handwriting was neat, but hers – she'd begun adding things – was more reminiscent of a printer than a hand. A very fancy, swirly printer.
Suppose she'd had all the time in the world to perfect it.
He'd ask if she was a boss monster, but, he felt that that would be rude.
"How do you mean?"
"You stated thus far that he has difficulty saying no, yes?"
"Yes."
"Do people bave difficultly saying no to You?"
"Huh.. I don't know, I don't think I've ever thought about it."
His friends certainly didn't.
"It may be easier for him to express his opinions with you standing at his side."
He blinked.
"Are you- saying i can- that I Should, intimidate people into listening to him?"
She shrugged slightly.
"I do not see why not."
He giggled into his hand.
He really, really Had missed properly talking to another person.
"Stars, you know, you are so much more mischievous than your elegant facade lets it be known."
"You speak nonsense once again."
"Oh I'm sure I'm sure, my apologies.
This was a lot more uplifting than he thought it would be!
He shook his head.
"I suppose that will work.."
"You may believe yourself to be a stand in for someone else, but you have much quality as a caretaker, had I been given a choice between you, and others I have worked with, I would have chosen you as his guard."
"Really? I feel like I'm not doing enough."
"And you never will. But."
She plucked the papers from his hands and began organising them.
"Of your many desirable qualities, you have experience, the way you speak of him suggests that he is not the first person that you have had the need to take care of by circumstance, no?"
"I-" he thought about it for a moment "no, no i suppose he's not."
"One of. Another is your fighting ability. Another, your complex trains of thought."
He snorted.
"Papy always tells me i overthink things."
"Some times, that is necessary."
She didn't ask who "Papy" was.
"You are intimidating in stature, yet you are gentle. You are thorough, and as stated, your intimidation will do wonders eventually. You may not allow yourself to think of this in the long term, I have done so. It Will be necessary. You have already scared away your very first adversaries. I heard."
"..."
Blue shifted in discomfort.
Satisfied, she set the papers aside, colour and subject coded, no less, and leaned forward the Slightest bit in her seat.
"What do you hope to be for him."
"Trustworthy." He said immediately, she shook her head.
"Who do you hope to be for him."
He opened his mouth to answer only to pause, and then close it.
He fiddled with the leather of his chair, real leather.
It was immaculate.
"..."
He.. wasn't quite sure how to answer.
What Did he hope Dream saw him as? It didn't feel like there Was a right answer.
"...-" he shifted in his seat.
"I.. hope. To be someone to fill whatever roles he feels he needs me to fill."
"And that is?"
"... I don't- I don't know."
"A parent? An elder sibling? A friend? Or."
"Or what," he laughed slightly "what else is there."
"Many."
"..."
She lifted her hands, began to recite.
"A village elder-"
"I'm younger than you-"
"A guardian, a personal knight of sorts, a guide, a neighbour, a government assigned caretaker of certain hours, a teammate, et cetera, pick any of those that you'd like."
"It's not about me."
"Pick anyway."
"...."
He thought about it for a moment, and then another, and then another, and rubbed his hand down his exhausted face.
"...
"I think being his guide would be nice."
He scoffed.
"Teammate.. I Refuse to let him fight."
"And if he were to ask to?"
"...
"I'd tell him no?"
"For how long?"
"...."
Blue lifted his head, he couldn't believe he was having this conversation.
She remained unperturbed beneath his stare.
"How- long? What do you mean?"
"You just stated, you are a guide, not a handler."
"Well- yes but-! You wouldn't let someone jump into a crocodile tank Just because they asked to!"
"And for how long will you stop him? Until he is of age? Until you are no longer around to Guide?"
"What are you saying here, what did you want me to do."
"What I am Attempting to state," she started "is a question."
"Well Say it."
"Do you think that, for someone like your charge, not being allowed to make their own decisions, would be beneficial?"
"..."
...
Blue just stared.
She extended a hand as she spoke.
"You think again only of the now, now of the soon. When he is an adult, however far that eventuality is, what will this have taught him?"
"I need to keep him safe, that's my Job-"
"What will this have taught him."
He threw his hands in the air.
"I don't know, that someone cares about him? That someone wants him safe and sound? Happy? Safe, again?"
"True, anyone else may have gotten that message, but you cannot have it both ways. You cannot encourage independence while in the same breath stifling it. I am not saying you are wrong, I am saying that either, he will eventually make those decisions, or be too afraid to make any decisions at all. You think he cares about your disappointment?"
"...."
"Again, I restate, you are not wrong in your decisions. But eventually, they will not be yours to make."
She moved her head to stare him in the eye, it was easier like this, with it on the side rather than the front.
"Your self appointed job as his guide is to teach him that he is worth more than whatever it is that he thinks himself to be worth. It is not to guide his hand, it is to consider every option truthfully, offer your suggestions, and support him in whatever decision it is that he chooses to take. If you advise against, as you said, jumping into the river of crocodiles, and he does it anyway, will you stand at the side chattering 'I told you so', or will you jump in after him to help him and guide him to evade. Will you keep him prepared, or simply state to him that the situations he asks of will never be allowed to happen and therefore, that the information is useless."
"....."
Blue resisted the urge to let his claws out as he gripped the corner of her desk.
She returned her head to its usual position.
"You have said so yourself, at our meetings, the council has stated that, irregardless of what You want, he can do as he wishes. I dare say, it is better if he chooses to do things behind your back than not. And I do not approve of it, truely, I do not, but I do not fight it, I simply accept its eventuallity, I work with it. If I cannot remove the rock in the road, then I shall simply build around it."
Blue slowly removed his hands, and dug the jagged tips into his knees instead.
"You cannot keep him from making mistakes forever-"
"He doesn't deserve that, i need to Try-"
"You are five hundred years too late on conviction, he will make them anyway, whether you bear them with him or turn your face away is your choice."
"...."
Blue gritted his teeth.
"That is not Fair-"
"It is Not. It never will be. It will happen anyway."
"...."
Blue rubbed hard at his face, Blue Glared, she did not seem to care.
Her tail lashes exactly once behind her. It wasn't a threat, like when a skeleton might do it. Simple movement.
"Would you like to discuss eventualities of worst case scenarios?"
.....
"As in, what will you do if he gets hurt? Gets involved in criminal activity? Possibilities only, of course, prevented if we are able and their harm reduced if we cannot, what if he Does join the council-"
Blue got up swiftly.
"I should- i should be going home to rest, as you've said."
"You cannot keep him in your home forever. It may keep him safe, it will not be safety worth having."
He briskly walked away.
"Goodnight, Velviel, thank you for your council."
"You cannot keep him safe fore-"
And shut the door behind him.
To say Blue had not been, at least emotionally, feeling well since that talk would be, in his opinion, Quite an understatement.
He and Dream still did things as usual, and now Blue had to manually Force himself to not hold back his emotions like the pinching of a bleeding wound, Just so he could follow Veliel's advice which was, regrettably, once he thought about it (in yet another night he kept trying to sleep), good.
Dream didn't look much less for wear either to be honest, he was beginning to worry.
He no longer glanced at him when his emotions would ebb and flow and dip, he'd just tense, and keep his eyes on the task ahead, which.. Blue will admit made him question his decisions a bit but, he'd stick with it, at least for a while, he'd be the first to say that only consistent effort could get you results and truely, brother, only attempting to clean your room once a year did Not at All count as consistent.
He seemed to space out more easily, his hands, thankfully retaining their set leylines (called muscle memory by humans) after his stone entrapment keeping up the pace of whatever it was he was doing while his mind wandered off elsewhere.
He was tired, clearly and utterly tired, and Blue considered for a moment that it might be his Own exhaustion rubbing off on him but, no, it- just didn't really feel like it.
He was earlier to get up now though, not even waiting for Blue to wake first before he was up and out and about doing things, whatever chores he could convince himself he'd been assigned, mostly sweeping, organising, dusting, once Blue noticed his hands had seemed awfully dry and, looking for anything in his kitchen that may have caused it (as he'd recognised it in himself once), he'd hidden the chemical cleaners on a top shelf too far for him to reach, knowing that he wouldn't get a stool, as Dream would parse the message easily, he parsed messages that didn't even exist after all, Blue just couldn't have him mixing things he wasn't supposed to be mixing, no, he couldn't have that at all.
He ignored the way it seemed to be he was Babyproofing the house, he truely, truely, did not want to overstep.
He has no idea whether Dream would even Want him in that role, or whether he Had had a parent that just- left or passed away or something, went missing like his sibling did. He knew that Ink implied he didn't have one at all, and while his dear friend wasn't particularly partial to being a liar, he couldn't fully rule out, with the way everything was going anyway, that maybe he was this time, just to keep things interesting.
For whom? He didn't know, he should really stop asking.
He already felt like he was imposing on Dream constantly, he saw someone who needed taking care of and immediately took the role, yes, as felt most natural to him, but- stars, did he not feel so Unsure about it.
He wouldn't stop, to be clear, he wouldn't Slack, stars forbid stop completely but, still, Dream's consistently negative reactions to Most of his attempts at comfort or company weren't exactly.. encouraging. His being a child definitely complicated that, because then it fell on Blue to Know better. In which regard? He'd had no idea, he hasn't taken care of anyone since his brother, and he was More than capable of taking care of himself now (even if Blue, shooting him a side eye he pointedly ignored, highly doubted it at times).
But still, he could force his presence on Stretch because he knew he liked it, he could manhandle Ink here and there because he knew he liked it, be affectionate with Error, hang out for nicecream here and there with core, playfully kick at Inanna, he had no idea what to do with Dream.
He couldn't just- deprive him of company companionship and affection, he highly doubted it would be good for his development, but he couldn't very well Ignore the obvious cues he left that he wanted to be left alone, the solution, seeming so simple so as to simply give it time, felt so unnatural to him.
He didn't know why he was rushing to be honest, he knew they, as the child's psychologist said, had all the time in the world, but he still Felt like he had to, he still Felt like he was running out of time, it wasn't a gut feeling, as he'd usually listen to those, something just felt- Wrong about waiting, he felt he needed to act quickly, to imprint himself in Dream's mind as someone he could trust before it was too late.
Too late for what? He didn't Know, maybe the council was getting to his head, maybe it was just his physical inability to sit still and wait when there was a problem that needed fixing, he couldn't just- Let Dream suffer and then get better, he needed to help him get better Now, Blue so very often Didn't have the time to sit and wait for the slow solution to take effect, he needed to run the race and run it now and unlike in the story, had he been the hare, he never would've taken that rest, he would have Won.
Even during his Own entrapment, his soul tied so painfully tight with Blue strings that now he'd learned to like it, he'd kept thinking, even as he acted otherwise, "how quickly can i get out of this, how quickly can i get him to listen."
Maybe it was because back then, it had been a matter of life and death, life and death and something worse, something other, with the feeling of the particles of magic that made up his body disintegrating without any ambient magic in the air to draw from, yet he didn't Starve. Maybe it was because of the fact he had so many people urging him on to take the easy way out and give in, just Hand him over, he felt he had to protect Dream desperately, but he couldn't currently know from What.
He needed to do something, he needed to do something to fix everything so Badly- he Knew he had to wait, he Knew he had to he just didn't like it, and the unease was messing with his Head.
Either ways, he'd taken him off chopping duty for now, he didn't want him spacing out and accidentally cutting himself. They had reason to believe that Dream could, potentially, heal himself a lot faster than a regular monster could, but they hadn't the proof yet, he didn't have enough magic for them to test it.
Not that Blue would Allow it to be tested.. they could check with drawn samples, small specks of marrow from those, no need to cause intentional harm. He felt, especially after last week, that Dream had had enough of that by now.
He flexes the fingers of his hand, over and over again as he looks over his recipe book.
Stars, he'd, honest, he'd never Condone it, stars forbid encourage it but.. shamefully, he considered that Stretch may have actual reaons to smoke.
He wouldn't! He never would, especially now with an inpressionable, physically vulnerable Child in his house but.. stars.. if the thought of his mind going empty, inhaling ash and exhaling everything that counted as important, didn't sound nice.. it sure did, that never happened to him though, it was just a constant going on of do this do this do that, he never got a rest from its endless, foreboding chatter.
Oh what was happening to him, why was he so stressed.
Even the one time they'd battled Fatal hadn't felt this.. stars, maybe it was because it was current, direct action, split second decisions, Blue was a good planner, but he Really didn't like – wasn't used to – doubting his decisions.
He sighs..
Soup today then.
Again.
Dream had been acting sluggish all week, and it wasn't just his usual exhaustion that showed, no, he seemed to be actively getting Worse.
At every turn Blue would see his shoulders sag from the corner of his eyes, or he'd catch him spacing out for ten or so seconds at a time, before he blinked himself back to regular existence and continued, or remembered, whatever it was he was doing.
He'd honestly expected him to get jumpy, if he were to get worse, and Blue had half a mind to schedule an emergency checkup lest his magic levels be falling any lower than they already were.
But he didn't seem to be, Blue, uncomfortably enough, had recognised the state in himself, once upon a time (though shamefully enough it took him a while).
He remembered then, suddenly, with a great deal of embarrassment, the way he had acted when he had so desperately still wanted to be a royal guard.
It wasn't his resolve for it that he was ashamed of, no, it was quite the opposite, it was the ways in which he'd Failed it, he could only train for so long, eat so little, skip so many nights sleeping before it would catch up, and he'd Refused to listen to reason when his brother would try to intervene, he'd simply refused to.
He'd argue that he was alright, that he felt just Fine, that everything was alright.
It wasn't.
His resolve and determination weren't quite the problem, it was the way he went at it so- so- brutishly, brute forcing, he couldn't quite get the other version of that word.
How could he not eat, when he wanted to feed his magic? How could he not sleep, when he wanted to sharpen his perceptiveness? How could he not Pause, when he wanted to control his senses? It was embarrassing, purely and simply embarrassing, the way he'd done it, and the worst part about it was that it was such a simple blunder to avoid.
Guysss chatttt kyaaa, the song colours by grouplove has been Stuck in my Head all Day, Aa 😩😩😩 I've been thinking about (and then listening to it on repeat) since literally the moment i woke up, ausbajjsjs
At first i was like "hmm.. so close but.." and the i was like "no.. wait a goddamn minute.. they're so Cooking." And it's sooo gooodddd I've been thinking about it with literally every babe ever like killer and color (the colourssss KYAAA) band au crepic (CROSS'S EYE) aisbsisj, KYAAAAAAAA
Especially the lines about colours, something something "yellow violets Red." It's SOOO, KYAAA
AND OMGGGG DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE CHORUS, SO COOLLL KYAAAA MY FAVOURITE PART FR FR KYAAA
"IT'S THE COLOURS YOU HAVEEEE NO NEED TO BE SAD. IT'S REALLY NOT BAAAAD." KYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! KYAA!!!
AND THE WAY YOU CAN HEAR IT AS "IT'S THE COLOURS IN YOUR HEAD" AND "NO NEED TO BE SCARED." INSTEAD IS SOOO- KYAA
Hmm.. I don't think i Would? Marked as a tentative Incorrect (buzzer sound) because mm.. i just love cucumbers soooo muchhhh ahbssj actually my favourite vegetable, yum, with salt and or vinegar?? Delicious. And i loveeee water, mmm, my favourite drink, but i like it completely unflavoured, just a drink, :3 because flavours make me thirsty 3:
I may have given epic thick thighs that save lives, but trust they are not saving ANYONE.
Anyway
GUYSSS KYAAA, I FINALLY GOT THE EDIT TO WORKKKK, MIND YOU I'VE HAD THE DRAWINGS DONE SINCE LIKE, WHAT, MARCH? APRIL?? AND FINALLY- AUHSJSJS
Basically (my first ever edit!!) i made it on capcut first, and then capcut was being a capitalistic little bitch about certain features and wouldn't let me export, so i tried and tried and ultimately failed, and today i remake the edit with a completely different app, from scratch (with the altered audio stolen from capcut, ehe) (the app is VN, god sent, actually easier than capcut too!! :DD) and i succeed!! WOOO, I'M SO GLAD I COULD GET THIS OUT IN TIME FOR PRIDE MONTH, AUSHUSHAH YIPPIE YIPPIE WOO (i say, to a so sad video ehehe)
Anyway the song is "Hero (Prod. by Primary) - Instrumental", so very good, this is all a recent animation trend on tiktok. The "I'm starting to forget your face" thing is a quote from the trend, so i added it :). I'm happy i get to participate :)) maybe one day i can actually do animation memes.. eek!! >< Like the olden days!!
(Shout out to that one tiktoker who had the bg and audio uploaded by themselves, i cannot remember who you are but you are an Icon.)
The butterfly is the purple emperor i believe, chosen by Helen because i asked em to pick, but they didn't at the time know why or what for, ehe!
And i had to re-add my signature because it got cropped somewhere along the way but!! It's okay, ajshus
Ehehe! I hope you like it! This is obviously band au, if you're not familiar with that name you can look it up here, you'll see the relevant fics :3
I'll post the art pictures later by themselves :33
Corrupted teenage nightmare shapeshifting his face to look more like dream's when he's distressed because he thinks it's the only way blue could want to be near to and comfort him
you were talking about the giving tree that one time and i actually found someone that made a revised parody of it called "The Giving Tree Who Set Healthy Boundaries" and this part really stuck out to me
Oh i remember seeing that before!! KYAA, yesss i believe I've read the revised version, never the original though, thank God.
This would actually be so perfect for a baby dream to read?? Like actually, it hits the nail on the head for him it would be such an incredibly good influence.
He already believes himself to exist to serve other people in some way, so fiction that says "you don't exist as a commodity" wouldn't get through to him because the sentiment would get lost, clearly, it's talking about Actual, Regular people, not Him, a Guardian who Does exist for that purpose, so he'd ignore it. Especially if he was younger.
So if it says that, or at least, Allows him to think that, the only reason the giving tree chose to not give herself fully, was so that she could continue existence and giving later on? That wouid get through to him.
You can't convince him, at least for a very long time, that he should stop tearing himself to pieces because it's bad for Him, you can only do it by convincing him that it's bad for his Purpose, bad for other People, only then will he consider actually cutting back and resting so he can be functional for longer.
It's not an ideology or mentality that's good for him to have, not at all, but it does very significant harm reduction in the long run, and gives him more time, and You more time, to get him to somewhere where he Will accept that he's not a product or servant made to make people happy.
