updates-ish to my kind of shut down a couple of weeks ago, and i do really appreciate the kind words i got. so updates-
tldr: tumblr is just not the place for me anymore, but i won't delete my account in case i ever do want to come back. i'm going to be making new art that i like and im planning to casually record some of what i do and post it on youtube here. i'm currently working on a new illustration (below) and enjoying it much more than ive enjoyed anything ive drawn in the past 3 years.
and then long story and my thoughts about some things (in a much less frantic way than a few weeks ago) under a read more here in case anyone does want to know uhhh art block stuff and whatever.
ive been doing a lot of introspection after essentially hitting my breaking point earlier this month. i've been restlessly driven to create for the past... over 10 years?
i started taking drawing seriously when i was 13, and now i'm almost 25. my art really evolved and improved over time, but i weirdly developed a sunk cost fallacy-like attachment to what "my art" was. i think, by the time i hit my 20s, the art that 13 year old me wanted wasnt in line with what 21 year old me wanted. but there's a feeling like i poured all of my experience into making art like that, and i had to continue improving very linearly and stick exactly with what i was "good" at.
completely unintentionally i boxed myself in to art that didn't really interest me, and i honestly didnt even know it. i was going through frequent episodes of psychosis at the time, and between the antipsychotics i was taking and the fact that my art didnt bring me joy, i just felt so devoid of creativity, it was like i had lost a part of myself, which i think i had attributed to the psychosis not my own discontent, so i forced myself to keep making even when it truly didn't bring me a shred of happiness.
as ive gotten through that and had a bit more clarity, i realized my very deep seeded perfectionism in combination with the very rigid "must improve on what i already know" was making me genuinely, viscerally, hate creating. this year i had a few bad experiences with some people who treated me poorly for a sense of entitlement they felt to my art, and even though i have dealt with genuinely far worse, the pile up of those experiences lit the fuse and i just full on exploded.
after i kind of cooled off, my urge to create wasn't gone, but i did recognize very clearly that i didn't find the art i was making interesting, it felt transactional, and very hollow. it just really didn't speak to me in any way. i went back through every art piece i'd done that i actually liked, and noticed the things that did actually speak to me. in short, it's animals and surrealism, and now knowing that, i'm gonna work toward making art that i enjoy again. sorry 13 year old me.
i do feel a sense of grief, like in order to do this i have to kill an artist who i really do believe deserves to make the kind of art she's making. and to a lesser extent, i'm going to be letting go of many of the things in my art that were praised, so i feel a little vulnerable letting go. but i know in my gut if i continued doing things the way i felt i ought to, that i'd have completely destroyed my will to create permanently. so that artist im scared of killing would have been dead anyway i guess.
i dont think i'll be immune to the perfectionism that's haunted me for years like this, but i think at the very least, it will be something i feel happy to create in the first place. i want to record, like i said, primarily for me and my own feeling of "i dont see the art i want to watch out there, so i'll have to make it for myself", but if there's anyone who wants to join me on that journey that makes me happy too. plus small things like the diy palettes and sketchbooks i want to show people how to make.
if anyone did read this far, then thanks :) and i hope you get to experience creating things you love as well.
Iām gonna miss you so much too if you delete. Iāve been with you since you first started drawing fnaf and even have commissioned you before which I love that drawing dearlyš but i respect whatever decision you make
wow, thats a long time ;-; i started drawing at all with fnaf so im happy you got to see me progress from the beginning
Def gonna miss you if you nuke your account... Been following you throughout the years! I hope everything goes well for you!! And thank you for being here!!
thank you, i really appreciate it. im definitely emotional tonight so im gonna come back to it tomorrow and see if i want to delete fully still. thanks for being with me for so long
Commissions open once again! Five slots as always, and I need some people (at least two) to take comic comms, I'll tell you the details if you are interested through private messages.
So yeah!
A page with all the information regarding my commissions!
Commissions Open! Click to see MaruAsahina's commission menu.
gazafunds.com - Donate directly to a Palestinian family in urgent need of evacuation, medical attention, food, rebuilding homes/businesses etc. (Spotlights 1 verified gfm at a time so if you don't know who/where to donate to just go here and donate to the one they show you!)
Help provide tents (urgent):
The Sameer Project: Currently providing tents for displaced families in Gaza (emergency bc tents in Rafah are being burned as we speak) (paypal) (gfm)
Food, cash & essentials:
Care for Gaza: Working on the ground in Gaza to distribute food, cash, medicine & other essentials to displaced families. (paypal) (gfm)
Direct Aid for Gaza: also working on the ground in Gaza to distribute food, cash & other daily essential suppliess to displaced families. (paypal) (gfm)
Water:
Gaza Municipality's water project: The official Municipality of Gaza needs help rebuilding the water infrastructure in Gaza City to restore access to clean water and waste management services for the people of Gaza. (This campaign only has a couple of weeks left but it's still only at 15%!)
eSIMs (urgent):
guide to buy & send esims for gaza
crips for esims for gaza: If you don't know how to buy esims or don't have the capacity to manage them (e.g. topping up regularly), this team of volunteers are collecting funds to buy & manage gaza esims regularly
Medical Aid
Palestine Red Crescent Society: Provides emergency medical and ambulance services and humanitarian relief on the ground in Gaza e.g. rescuing and treating the wounded.
Raindove is still fundraising to get as many people out of Rafah as quickly as possible while the tanks are encroaching on Rafah. The terrorist zionist forces are going to try to do as much damage as possible. They're about 3k away from their initial goal. They don't have much more time. They've already done so much to help Ghazzawiyeh, they can do more with your help.
