All these flavors and I choose to be salty

sawsawan: a dip; a sauce for dipping. (Filipino)

[saltysawsawan]

In Line

Being hyper aware of those around me and sensing when they need/want/expect something is really difficult to switch off, but I'm getting better at simply being mindful of these observations. There was a time when I felt I *had* to act on everything I took in, which left me incredibly imbalanced.

Today at a Target run, I decided to use the self-checkout. It was a busy morning, so the lines were pretty long and I had a good amount of items to scan in. Without even trying, I could feel the frustration and impatience around me as the line continued to grow longer. There was a time when I would have acknowledged this energy by rushing myself and attempting to take up as little space and time in the world as possible.

Instead, I acknowledged these energies around me and decided I was just as important as everyone else who waited in line. I scanned my items at a comfortable pace, rummaged through my wallet for a $10 gift card I knew I had, then proceeded to bag my groceries in an organized manner. At that moment, I turned the dial down on my external emotional radar to allow more of my inner thoughts through.

Having a better handle on my anxiety compared to last year is a big part of this change too. Anxiety can make it so difficult to process information and determine what is a healthy thought and what isn't.

Realizing there is a dial on this flow of input and now having the mental health to control my impulses has been a game-changer. I feel healthier boundaries drawn between friendships and no longer feel solely responsible for their feelings. I have always given people the space to comfortably express themselves and I'm now at a point where I give some of that space to myself, too.

I definitely notice a shift as other people react to and see a change in me, but I no longer feel weighed down by it. I acknowledge the observations, but they do not determine my final course of action.

Overall, I'm beginning to feel more at peace and in-line with myself. One of the benefits of reading into various cognitive personality theories is the perspectives it has given me. Everything used to be jumbled in my mind but now it's like I can envision compartments, dials, and switches working together to make me who I am. Giving form to something intangible has allowed me both more freedom and control. :)

[saltysawsawan]

Ms. Understood

As cliche as it sounds, it's never been easy for most people to understand me. I see now that it's partly a problem of my own making; so much of my inner workings are suppressed in order to engage with the world around me. I know we all hide parts of ourselves to an extent, but there are times I feel like a split personality. One part detached, analytical, and suspicious; and the other part warm, diplomatic, and compassionate. For the longest time I truly believed the latter was who I was and that the "dark" side was some unfortunate byproduct of a less than stellar upbringing. But I see now that neither of those are really true. Both sides are who I am and instead of vying for control, I need to create a landscape in which these parts of me can coexist proudly. Without reconciling the two, I will always be stifled and struggling with the consequences of being "too much" of either half.

If I am too critical and detached, I close myself off to people and along with it, my connection to the world. If I am too warm and accomodating, I open the floodgates to those who have no sense of boundaries. Neither of those scenarios are ideal and the challenge going forward will be finding that sweet spot. But, as long as I can fluctuate between the two within a healthy range, then it is a step in the right direction.

[quotemadness]

“And it’s amazing how much noise people ignoring each other can make.”

— Eoin Colfer

[saltysawsawan]

Smile. It's your super power.

Some days I don't feel like smiling, but I smile anyway. Giving someone a reason to be concerned about me just isn't part of my programming. A smile says, "I'm fine" to the world around me.

When a stranger smiles at me in passing, I smile back. I know nothing about them, but in that moment it's as if their eyes are saying, "Hello human, I see you. I want to connect with you in this brief moment and show compassion in even the smallest way." I love smiling at people and I love when they smile at me too.

When a friend gets on my nerves, I smile at them anyway to let them know "it's alright." Despite my frustration, they deserve kindness over my need to lash out. The relationship comes first -- always. It's important that they know their imperfections are not a dealbreaker.

Not everyone wears emotions out on their sleeve or appreciates those who do, but the older I get, the more I see it as a gift rather than a burden when wielded in the right way. So many people feel isolated and unable to connect, while human connectivity is literally my super power.

This power eases tensions, fosters trust, and creates avenues for warmth and humor. It helps me understand those around me as they slowly peel back their layers and confide in me. It helps me get out of my comfort zone and experience new things whenever someone invites me into their world. And most importantly, it opens me up to the reality of hurt and disappointment, which only makes me stronger in the end.

So many people want to connect but are afraid to be hurt.

But it is my nature and I am fearless.

[jenny-jinya]

Short comic, while I work on something bigger on the side. It is nevertheless a very important topic. A lot of seabirds die because they eat plastic. They feed their chicks with the waste. It’s really tragic.