Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy

Hi, I'm Ryan and I just wanted to take this time to tell you that you're beautiful. I'm 19 and you can probably find me in either Illinois or New York. I'm probably more liberal than you. Welcome to my random collection of internet stuff. I like to think I'm pretty rad, but idk why don't you find out for yourself? You should follow me, I'm pretty awesome and I always follow back.

[gddr6]

[takes a single step out of bed after 8 hours of sleep]

[cryptidw00rm-archive]

au where mrs o’leary is a giant chow chow

[cryptidw00rm-archive]

please consider,

[indecorum1989]

[orangepaint-deactivated20200515]

hell yea im a gamer

[aplpaca]

kinda funny when english teachers say stuff like “i can tell if you didnt read the book” or “i can tell when people bs their paper”

no you cant.  you can tell when people are bad at bs-ing their paper.  i didnt even read the sparknotes and i barely skimmed the wikipedia and you gave me an A.  you kneel before my throne unaware that it was born of lies

[divineapparition-deactivated202]

[divineapparition-deactivated202]

i really hope that all 33k people who reblogged this know that i was serious as hell

[stability]

[knowyournewmeme]

I’m just a 75 year old man who loves a nice pretzel

[samedumb3xcuse]

Mythology Asks

Anubis: How do you feel about death?

Atum: What are your greatest imperfections?

Bastet: Do you have any cats?

Hathor: What brings you joy?

Horus: What is one thing you've had to fight for in your life?

Osiris: Do you believe in the underworld?

Ra: Do you have any major responsibilities or importance?

Thoth: Do you like to read/write?

Arawn: What is the most terrifying thing you've ever done?

Bran: How is your health?

Brighid: Tell us about your relationship with your father.

Cernunnos: What is your favorite animal?

Danu: What is your relationship with your mother?

Morrigan: What do you think happens when we die?

Olwen: What is your favorite flower?

Rhiannon: Have you ever been betrayed?

Bragi: What kind of music do you listen to?

Freya: Have you ever been in love?

Freyr: Do you have any children?

Hœnir: Are you a silent or talkative person?

Iounn: How old are you?

Loki: What is the best trick you've ever pulled on someone?

Odin: What is your family like?

Thor: Would you consider yourself pretty powerful?

Tree: What have you done with your life? What are you going to do with it?

Aphrodite: What do you think of yourself?

Ares: Are you an easy person to anger?

Athena: Would you consider yourself an artist?

Apollo: Do you play any instruments?

Dionysus: Do you drink?

Hades: Do you have a bad reputation?

Hekate: Have you ever tried to communicate with the dead?

Hermes: Have you ever stolen anything?

Poseidon: Are you a moody person?

Zeus: Are you a confident person?

Jupiter: Would people say that you are intimidating or fairly approachable?

Pluto: Where do you think we go when we die?

Apollo & Dianna: Do you prefer to be up during the day or at night?

Mars: Have you ever gotten into a fight?

Minerva: Do you generally give good advice?

Proserpine: Have you ever felt trapped?

Plutus: Do you have a job?

Venus: Have you ever had your heart broken?

Vesta: Do you like being home or do you try to get out whenever you can?

Morpheus: Do you daydream often? Of what?

[tastefullyoffensive]

“Hello sir, I would like one alcohol please.” (via bumwees/greeniecg)

[tokidokifish]

the concept of yelling at employees is so alien to me, like a retail worker could fucking stab me and id probably still thank them for their time

[keyblack-hl]

Somebody gave our mascot statue a tennis ball.

[penroseparticle]

good he deserves it

[tiffanarchy]

he is a good boy

[onlytwitterpics]

[spacesamuri]

someone has to say it: come on eileen is a fucking banger like that shit snaps,, a bop for the century

[millennial-review-deactivated20]

[zerostatereflex]

An Octopus unscrewing a lid from the inside.

[we-are-star-stuff]

Octopuses are going to kill us all someday

[daikiraichu]

I had a biology teacher that told us this story about an octopus at an aquarium in Australia. The staff were concerned because their population of crustaceans kept disappearing. No bodies or anything. So they checked the video feed to find out what’s up.

Across from the the crustacean tank was a small octopus tank. This little fucker squeezed out of a tiny hole at the top of his tank, walk across the hall, and get into the crustacean tank. He would then hunt and eat. After he was done, he crawled back out and get back in his tank

Here’s the kicker: security guards patrolled the area. The staff realized that the octopus had memorized the security’s routine. It would escape and be back between the guards’ round.

[twenty-four-robbers]

My friend who worked at Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Nebraska had a similar story.  Rare fish were disappearing, they suspected theft, and so set up a camera. An octopus was unlocking the top of its tank, walking across the suspended walkway, unlocking the other tank, eating his fill, re-locking the other tank, then re-locking its own tank.

[magic-retina-deactivated2017100]

I can’t remember what zoo this happened at, but there was another octopus somewhere who was unscrewing a water valve in the room where its tank was located and routinely flooding the place. The staffers had no idea what it was until they filmed the octopus caught in the act.

[gamzees-hole]

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!! But, sir, it has already released itself!

[canisfamiliaris]

Octopus Steals Video Camera, Films Own Escape

Octopus Escapes from Tank to Prowl on its Neighbors

Octopus Escape — 600-pound (272-kilogram) octopus wriggles through a passageway the size of a quarter

Legging It: Evasive Octopus Has Been Allowed to Look for Love

Octopus Escapes through Small Hole in Ship

[pomegranateandivy-deactivated20]

My dad worked in a lab and one of the rooms had a tank with an octopus in it. If they didn’t go play with the octopus he got bored and would climb out of his tank and steal the paperwork off the desks, and drag stuff into his tank to let the scientists know he was upset with them.

[tastefullyoffensive]

This guy knows how to live. (via skyler_nitschke)