Learning About Myself

It's crazy how long it can take to really learn yourself and how "bad" it is when you don't quite know who you are.

[sammi55]

Rain with a Rainbow

It’s been a rough couple of weeks... My boyfriend got fired for something he shouldn’t have been fired for. In a nutshell, they didn’t train him (he’d been there for 2 weeks on the day they fired him) and he didn’t know he had to do something.. So he didn’t.. They basically told him that someone has to take the fall.. I told him that he doesn’t want to work for someone like that and he should be excited because we are going to see his grandma soon. It was really hard on him though. He was so proud of himself and I AM proud of him too. I think he is more than capable of finding something better. 

[sammi55]

A year from now you'll wish you started today.

Unknown - Myself

[sammi55]

Blood ≠ Family

So yesterday... I went to my grandparents for Mother’s Day. My entire mother’s side of the family was there. Immediately, I wasn’t all that excited about it because I knew what that meant... But it was my grandmother, and my mother.. Everything was going fine. Talked to my aunt, had dinner, and tried to the best of my ability to participate in conversation but the problem with my family is that if you are younger - then your opinion automatically is invalid, because you couldn’t possibly know anything. 

So this stupid conversation came up about the housing market. Mind you, I’m 23 and will be 24 this month. The reason my age is relevant is I’m actually starting to look at buying a house because I’ve been renting so my opinion on this is very valid. I know I do not know everything, not even close and I’m not scared to admit when I’m wrong but I was not wrong. My uncle was hellbent that the housing market is down and no one wants to buy. THAT IS NOT TRUE. In fact, the housing market is booming nationwide and there are articles about the area we live in specifically saying that the housing market was up over 25%. I tried explaining that houses are having bidding wars and they sell just as quickly as they are listed. To my expectation, my opinions got dismissed by him yelling at me. My parents and I left.

Maybe this next part was my own fault but I do not tolerate being spoken to like that. I sent my uncle evidence of this with an explanation of what he was looking at. I also told him that just because I was younger, doesn’t mean I am not knowledgeable. His response was “get the f*** out of my inbox” “Type this s*** to me again, and we are going to have more problems than you can handle!”. This was my own uncle mind you. Someone who is in his 40s, and he’s threatening his niece because I proved him wrong (and it’s not like I did it in a group chat or called him that secret name I have for him that I SO wanted to say), I wanted to be mature and solve this obvious issue between us privately because I was sick of it and I know how much it hurts my mother. I just remarked that he wasn’t acting mature and it was sad that I had to be the adult for both of us and he told me to shut up. His exact message reads “Then shut up” “You an idiot!! You can’t handle anyone saying anything you don’t approve of! Yeah, that’s mature! Again stop typing me. In fact, don’t talk to me again. That would be perfect! Thanks!”. Honestly, I couldn’t agree more. I told my mom after that I don’t hate him, but I no longer love him. We didn’t have a relationship before but at least I loved him. Now, I feel indifferent towards him. I simply do not care.

This man is the same man that told me only 4 years ago that I could never be loved and that I would die alone... MY OWN UNCLE. He’s always the one to make it personal. He’s always the one to try and make it hurt. My other uncles and I debate all of the time because we just enjoy I guess.. If it gets too “heated” then one of us always walks away. We never make it personal, and most importantly - we are always fine the next time we see each other. In fact, we are usually okay 5 minutes later. In the event that it is taken too far, there’s always apologies exchanged. I’ve never once gotten an apology from this man. Never. I know I say I don’t care and you’re probably thinking “then why type all of this?”.... Well I’m getting to that. 

Blood does not equal family. They say you can’t choose your family but that’s not true. Family are the ones that are there for you regardless. Family are the ones that will bend over backwards to make sure that you have what you need when you need it. Family are the ones that do not use words as daggers. Just because you’re related, doesn’t mean you have to deal with toxicity. Just because I am not 40+ years old, that doesn’t mean that I’m not intelligent, and it doesn’t mean that I do not bring value to a conversation. I know my own worth and I know the worth of my opinion. I’m not going to be silenced because someone doesn’t like it. No one should have to walk on eggshells.

[sammi55]

What a day... I woke up to my sink exploding today. How does that even happen? It has been an unbelievably long week. Seeing that, I literally just stared at it and debated going back to sleep. I was not ready to handle that.

But work actually wasn’t that bad. I felt very productive and it felt great. Got my boyfriend some Cole slaw and chocolate cream pie (he already has songs) from his favorite place. I’m sure he’ll be happy when he sees that. I fell asleep briefly at 8 and woke up just now... it’s been such a long week, I might just go back to bed. What a day...

[sammi55]

Small Goals Achieve Larger Goals

So I’ve started listening to podcasts recently. Mostly Matthew Hussey because I love his message (I would definitely recommend). Even just using his advice in general life and learning more about myself and my own behaviors... 

One podcast, he and his brother were discussing small goals they have. I ended up creating a list of mine (most are daily): yoga, write x words, read x pages, brain/educational games, morning walk, drink more water, set aside time for my classes, meditate, stick to a schedule, and start allowing myself to do hobbies.

I know that is a long list to start off with but it’s not all required to be done at once. I’m proud of myself to be listening to podcasts daily. You can always improve yourself and it’s astounding how easy these little goals actually help the big, stressful goals.

I challenge others to make a list of changes they would love, and furthermore - enact those changes. It’s amazing how much better you may feel about yourself.