sometimes love can be bad

i'm tired of you, still tied to me

[sammygender]

sam and dean winchester | anthem for a seventeen year old girl (on youtube)

or: a compilation of the cars parked, phones dropped, and dreams in spn

after watching i saw the tv glow i became batshit obsessed with this song. hence this <3 i can’t stop making amvs i actually need help

[mossycakes]

kendall: i fucking hate my life

roman: IM GAY AS FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

shiv:

[sammygender]

it is so easy to romanticise being a car crash. i’ve come a long way in terms of my willingness to change. i take my meds and all. but still the idea of not being one at all scares me. i like having that sharpness; i like the electricity that thuds through me; i like loud music and streets at night and chain smoking and substance abuse and travelling solo, a little on edge. i think the key is that it doesn’t have to be about taking away. often i conceptualise change as this Huge Moment that happens, a point of no return, the loss of everything first, a tower moment, everything in shards and then rebuilding. but that’s not always the case. for now, i simply try to add on. sober hangouts and reading books and doing yoga or thinking about doing yoga. i will always be wild, that’s OK. or at the very least i will always have had that once in me

[reputayswift]

NOT A DIFFERENT BODY. A DISTINCT BODY.

dream & dreamer // the dreamer trilogy maggie stiefvater innie & outie // severance (2022-)

[nightwashh]

back to adam parrish it is literally so fun how everyone was in mythic fantasy quest story except for adam who was in a horror novel. ghosts and long term possession and gore and more possession but brief this time. more gore

[nightwashh]

gansey: many thanks and blessings to all who accompanied us on this fantastical journey. while it took uncanny twists and tangled turns, we have arrived on the other side with cherished knowledge and a breadth for adventure. i, of course, unceremoniously died on the side of the highway for a second there, but nevertheless i live on these pages and out. safe travels as you embark upon another chronicle!

adam, drenched in gore and dripping blood on the epilogue: i changed the ending of the book by the way. but just in your copy. bye

[cosmoshunger]

I love Ronan’s arc in the first two books because at the start you think Ronan attempted suicide but then you find out that’s actually a cover story for the fact that he was attacked by a dream creature. And then you find out said creature is called Manifestationofmy Suicidalthoughts.

[veerbles]

does adam parrish deduce that ronan is gay before ronan himself does because he's highly observant as a survival mechanism or because he's psychic. does adam parrish sense that someone is following their quest because he's hypervigilant as a survival mechanism or because he's psychic. does adam feel different and alienated from his friends because he's self-reliant as a survival mechanism or because he's psychic. can adam sometimes dissociate and literally detach from reality as a survival mechanism or because he's psychic. does adam have sudden nightmares and fear-induced hallucinations after he stops living with his parents because he has trauma or because he's psychic.

did adam's psychic powers originally manifest as a survival mechanism to keep him alive, or are adam's psychic powers actually a metaphor for the effects of childhood abuse

[jordeclans]

i think me and adam parrish were coworkers in a past life

[boymounter]

looking at my bracelet that says WWRLD (what would ronan lynch do) & calmly and considerately gojng to do burnouts in my 2005 corolla before doing imaginary drugs with someone i wish wish wishhhhh was my beautiful & troubled co-best friend of the guy whose dog i am. with an eyebrow slit

[faewaren]

Genuinely hysterically funny that Ronan had a legitimate in-canon angry gay crisis about Gansey looking human and attainable and disheveled. I know we make fun of him for the sockless ankles part but that’s not even the best part?? The best part is. Ronan. You LIVE with him. You’ve lived together for over a year. His bedroom is in the living room. You MUST have seen him in all sorts of disheveled, attainable states: asleep and vulnerable, groggy from just waking up fixing his hair in the mirror, awake and wild eyed in the middle of the night working on Model Henrietta, exhausted in a thin shirt and boxers, muddy after tramping around in the woods all day — the possibilities are endless. I KNOW you’ve seen him shirtless and underdressed and open and human before. I know you had other stuff going on which amplified your emotions but STILL.

So this begs the truly incredible question: does Ronan have a more minute version of this crisis EVERY SINGLE TIME? Does he do this on the small scale literally daily? He MUST, right? Or he wouldn’t be doing it literal years into living together.

[pvrrhadve]

this absolute cultural reset

[akashicrecord]

When a coked out hateful bitch meets a bipolar gay man it can either be the start of something beautiful or the end of a nation

[gabriestat]

under my regime all fictional sex scenes should be about a third person who is not involved or in the room

[eroscestlavie]

me and Isa had a theory the other day which I think might need to be added to TV Tropes or something at some point but I'm gonna sketch it out here because I want to know everyone's thoughts on it. we call it You Can't Flanderize The Traumatized. the working thesis is that in most episodic TV today, characters becoming Flanderized aka become progressively less nuanced versions of themselves and less capable of evolving, to the point where a few foundational elements of their character are condensed into the sum of the whole and they project only those elements.

this is annoying and bad writing in pretty much every case. however. when this happens to adult characters whose major character trait centers around a traumatic childhood that they repress...something weird happens. which is this: if your character's major trait is that they keep self-sabotaging due to repressed trauma, and the narrative never resolves that trauma or lets them actually grow and instead (through bad writing) Flanderizes them, then unintentionally, the Flanderized version of this traumatized character becomes...an extremely tragic but ultimately "possible" outcome for this traumatized person. and it's fascinating and weird and honestly very dark. characters that aren't allowed to heal but whose major emotional core is about suffering–and then bouncing back from, without properly addressing–a traumatic event become a portrait of an ever-darker, ever more traumatized person. this happens extra-textually, not as intended by the writers, but it is much more compelling than the typical Flanderization because what're seeing onscreen is at least kind of a possible outcome of a completely, basically Watsonian interpretation of stakes and events in the narrative.

a classic example of this is, of course, Dean Winchester. I also think basically every 2000s shonen protaganist has a degree of this going on and it helps explain why shonen works as well as it does; my wife also pointed to Guts from Berserk as an example of just how far you can push this and it still works. I might argue that this is also why Charlie from It's Always Sunny is the only tolerable character to watch in later seasons, and why Kendall Roy's character arc felt like it made sense despite the character simply digging himself deeper into a parody of himself. happy to hear other examples or counterpoints.

[bloodsadx]

in 2015 i started working at taco bell as a 16 year old for the summer so that i could buy a gaming computer so that i could play league of legends at a higher frame rate so that i could get higher than gold. around this time i listened to the song "pink matter" by frank ocean a lot where he says "cotton candy, majin buu" while talking about pink things which are soft like pussy (which is also pink and soft). i didn't know what majin buu was and i had to look at rap genius to determine that. i saw that majin buu was from dragon ball so i spent an entire paycheck on the dragon ball manga up to the android saga. i read it all in one week instead of doing any of the practice i was supposed to be doing for marching band and got in trouble but i kept walking around everywhere going BAPIDABAPIDA BAPIDA but i never finished reading dragon ball because the books a million in the town i was living in ran out of dragon ball so i had to buy other things.

this ended up with me buying a pair of sennheisers off of amazon which i still use & also with me deciding to look at /mu/ all the time even when i was in class on my phone. one day i saw the album art for midori's album "second" and i thought "this is the coolest looking woman of all time" - i then spent all of the next year trying to teach myself japanese so i could try to determine what she was saying in the songs because i thought they were so beautiful and funny and aggro and i would walk around the school fountain in front of my high school and get into arguments with my high school ex about if this made me a weeb or not a weeb - and she was extremely positive i only listened to midori because their first album had tits on the cover even though i was very adamant out loud that that was not the case and i would even honestly say i was more adamant in my head that she was way hotter if anything in the album art for second

regardless i tried to kill myself multiple times when i was 17 and around that time i would walk down the extremely barren sidewalkless highway of north georgia that my neighborhood directly fed out onto when i had walked around the neighborhood i was living in circularly for hours and got tired of seeing the same few things - i would do this after and before school or whenever because one of the conditions of me getting out of the mental hospital was that if i got stressed out i should listen to music and walk around rather than hurt myself - and i would listen to the midori song with a title like "i want to hear but i don't want to listen" on a deafening volume and walk up and down the high way in a gulch while semi trucks and f150s would go barreling down this sidewalkless highway in the hills & i would do that all the time OR i would sit in my room and stare at the ceiling with my phone plugged into a guitar practice amp doing the same thing

when i would sit in my bed on my LAPTOP though i got in the habit of just watching hella live performances of bands like i would watch the entirety of radiohead in lallapalooza or at gingleheim or googooboogoo all day i would watch and regularly did watch, drunk as fuck in the basement of my friends mom's house, every single front bottoms performance that had been recorded and uploaded to youtube, i would watch every band i could watch and when we were in the basement we would talk about all of us learning instruments & going on tour all the time & i was like No matter what i will invent a way to go on tour but i one night remember, on a lark, plugging in the words "midori live performance" into the youtube search bar and finding a video of what appeared to be the last midori live performance and i watched it in complete and total astonishment as i saw the coolest woman of all time climbing up and down amps and hitting herself in the head so hard with a microphone she was bleeding and curled over and shouting so hard it looked like she was going to die - the most insane woman of all time with song titles like "today my boy friend does not exist" where she would say things like "today my boy friend does not exist" (i knew this from reading google translate of the title even though at the time online resources about midori were relatively hard to track down and i dont think i was even able to find lyrics in kana for these songs because "second" was much less popular and was under a different label that "aratememashite hajimemashite midori desu" and i HADNT gone to college to learn japanese in class yet and even if i HAD mariko goto speaks in OSAKA BEN and i didnt even know what that WAS really yet because i didnt have FRIENDS that were into any of this stuff and i didnt watch ANY anime other than GAINAX ones and i didnt go on WEEB FORUMS to read about stuff like that i went on WEEB FORUMS to read about stuff like whether or not the fruit of life and the fruit of knowledge in evangelion were REALLY combining and what that meant for whether or not SHINJI was a PUSSY (he WAS - and IS - AND he should DIE!))

this was the point i decided that i had to go to college and learn japanese because that girl was on stage hitting herself in the head with the microphone so hard she was bleeding & if she was being like that over the songs and i could feel that without understanding what she was even saying then if i could understand what she was saying they might be the most beautiful songs of all time. i of course took japanese and german at the same time because as a 15 year old i probably watched eva 5 dozen times and thought asuka was "very cool" -

eventually my friend started driving me to school because we all started doing early enrollment at a college that was about a 20 minute drive from their house but a 40 minute drive from my house and my mom would drop me off at donut store parking lot 20 minutes from my house so that i could ride the next 20 minutes with my friend and he'd always give me the aux but it would play songs alphabetically from my phone meaning the first thing that would happen every single time i got in the car was the song AI NO UTA by midori would play, and every subsequent car i would get into for the next like 8 years would do this, and it would do it multiple times a day, and it would do it every day, and it would often be extremely loud and annoying, and i developed a habit of immediately shutting off car radios as soon as i got behind the wheel so i could choose my song first, because i fucking loved ai no uta when i was 16 but sort of got pavloved into thinking it was annoying by all of this

anyway when i started going to art school and inventing women i thought were cool to draw one of the things i did was start loading pimple with traits related to thinking dragon ball and midori were dope where as a parody of myself and the way i was acting when i was 16 and after meeting about 30 different animation students at SCAD who all would say stuff like "pool" by tricot would make a really good anime opening! and me always thinking to myself, secretly, "not as good of an anime opening as i thought yukiko-san by midori would make when i was 16 and my entire life was reading dragon ball and getting in arguments with my parents and girlfriend and listening to midori and imagining getting hit by cars" and so i designed a hoodie that i drew pimple wearing in some comics where she screen printed the word "DESTROY" in japanese onto the right sleeve because that's what mariko goto says in that song

but i remember i was like, at the time, as a 21 year old, thinking, "midori is so cool, it's so crazy nobody really knows midori yet still, but when i finish my million dollar web comic IP 'Manifesto' then this will be a very cool easter egg" - anyway midori Now is a band which a lot more information has been translated and exists and i didn't KEEP taking japanese classes because when i was 18 i got so SICK from having to sleep in an UNINSULATED SHACK OUTSIDE OF MY PARENTS HOUSE FOR A YEAR THAT I FAILED ALL OF MY COLLEGE CLASSES AND HAD TO TRANSFER SCHOOLS TO A PRIVATE ART SCHOOL THAT DIDNT HAVE JAPANESE CLASSES AND I THREW UP EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A YEAR BECAUSE I WAS INHALING SO MUCH DUST AND NORTH GEORGIA DETRITUS AND SINGING SONGS SO LOUDLY ON MY GUITAR MY THROAT WAS SEMI PERMANENTLY FUCKED UP - culminating of course years later in me on the opposite side of the country, in portland oregon, getting tubes shoved down my throat to find out if i have a "GERD" and how many prilosec generics i need to take in a day which i ended up taking none of ever

i was very convined all of this would matter some day and i would say a lot of this stuff to anybody who i talked to in the course of having conversations with them about our lives and interests and when AI NO UTA by midori would play on my car radio and i had a new passenger i would usually have to say something about how it was the first song that always played in my car and it did start with really loud and annoying drums but they were the coolest band of all time but i also was very convinced none of it would matter and i became instilled with a lot of different, bespoke, fear of "none of this will matter" based drives and ways to make all of this matter and i drove myself insane threading and needling various different references and signifiers of things like "the thing that represents the point in my life where i was trying to kill myself this way" vs "the thing that represents the point in my life where i was no longer trying to kill myself this way" but every time i tried to make stuff, stuff didn't work or if it did work i wasn't sure things mattered or didn't matter regardless,

& when i was 26 i was touring with a band & we were in new york & i was sitting around one morning with the tape label people who organized the tour & i had been driving the tour van & selling the merch & taking pictures & i was extremely exhausted because we had stayed up the entire previous night waiting for someone to drive from new jersey to new york to deliver us drugs & i slept barely at all & one of the people on the tape label - everybody decided after this tape label was SCAMMERS & frankly before we even went on tour i knew this tape label as SCAMMERS but everybody was being nice because they didnt yet believe they were SCAMMERS even though they were SCAMMERS and would go on to be fully recognized as SCAMMERS nobody was allowed to talk about it but they said one morning as we were crowded around an air bnb in new york - i believe it was long beach, new york - and there was a like cafeteria long table inside the air bnb we were sitting on, and the chief scammer of the scammer label said, "next time we all go on tour, in april, we can go to japan, because we've got a tour lined up with this artist, and this artist, and DJ510MARIKO" and he said DJ510MARIKO like she was the least important artist of the 3 artists, but it clicked inside of my head like 10 million explosions, and i said "like, mariko goto?" and the guy said, "huh?" and i said louder, "like, mariko goto?" and he said, "oh yeah i think so" and i was like "like the dj project of mariko goto from midori after she quit midori and was institutionalized and then took a break on and off from making music you're saying we could go on tour with her" and he was like "wow you know a lot about this" and i was like "yeah she's like the coolest woman on earth" and he was like "yeah you could go on tour with her" and then we never went on tour with her and i never finished manifesto the end

[bloodsadx]

in 2015 i started working at taco bell as a 16 year old for the summer so that i could buy a gaming computer so that i could play league of legends at a higher frame rate so that i could get higher than gold. around this time i listened to the song "pink matter" by frank ocean a lot where he says "cotton candy, majin buu" while talking about pink things which are soft like pussy (which is also pink and soft). i didn't know what majin buu was and i had to look at rap genius to determine that. i saw that majin buu was from dragon ball so i spent an entire paycheck on the dragon ball manga up to the android saga. i read it all in one week instead of doing any of the practice i was supposed to be doing for marching band and got in trouble but i kept walking around everywhere going BAPIDABAPIDA BAPIDA but i never finished reading dragon ball because the books a million in the town i was living in ran out of dragon ball so i had to buy other things.

this ended up with me buying a pair of sennheisers off of amazon which i still use & also with me deciding to look at /mu/ all the time even when i was in class on my phone. one day i saw the album art for midori's album "second" and i thought "this is the coolest looking woman of all time" - i then spent all of the next year trying to teach myself japanese so i could try to determine what she was saying in the songs because i thought they were so beautiful and funny and aggro and i would walk around the school fountain in front of my high school and get into arguments with my high school ex about if this made me a weeb or not a weeb - and she was extremely positive i only listened to midori because their first album had tits on the cover even though i was very adamant out loud that that was not the case and i would even honestly say i was more adamant in my head that she was way hotter if anything in the album art for second

regardless i tried to kill myself multiple times when i was 17 and around that time i would walk down the extremely barren sidewalkless highway of north georgia that my neighborhood directly fed out onto when i had walked around the neighborhood i was living in circularly for hours and got tired of seeing the same few things - i would do this after and before school or whenever because one of the conditions of me getting out of the mental hospital was that if i got stressed out i should listen to music and walk around rather than hurt myself - and i would listen to the midori song with a title like "i want to hear but i don't want to listen" on a deafening volume and walk up and down the high way in a gulch while semi trucks and f150s would go barreling down this sidewalkless highway in the hills & i would do that all the time OR i would sit in my room and stare at the ceiling with my phone plugged into a guitar practice amp doing the same thing

when i would sit in my bed on my LAPTOP though i got in the habit of just watching hella live performances of bands like i would watch the entirety of radiohead in lallapalooza or at gingleheim or googooboogoo all day i would watch and regularly did watch, drunk as fuck in the basement of my friends mom's house, every single front bottoms performance that had been recorded and uploaded to youtube, i would watch every band i could watch and when we were in the basement we would talk about all of us learning instruments & going on tour all the time & i was like No matter what i will invent a way to go on tour but i one night remember, on a lark, plugging in the words "midori live performance" into the youtube search bar and finding a video of what appeared to be the last midori live performance and i watched it in complete and total astonishment as i saw the coolest woman of all time climbing up and down amps and hitting herself in the head so hard with a microphone she was bleeding and curled over and shouting so hard it looked like she was going to die - the most insane woman of all time with song titles like "today my boy friend does not exist" where she would say things like "today my boy friend does not exist" (i knew this from reading google translate of the title even though at the time online resources about midori were relatively hard to track down and i dont think i was even able to find lyrics in kana for these songs because "second" was much less popular and was under a different label that "aratememashite hajimemashite midori desu" and i HADNT gone to college to learn japanese in class yet and even if i HAD mariko goto speaks in OSAKA BEN and i didnt even know what that WAS really yet because i didnt have FRIENDS that were into any of this stuff and i didnt watch ANY anime other than GAINAX ones and i didnt go on WEEB FORUMS to read about stuff like that i went on WEEB FORUMS to read about stuff like whether or not the fruit of life and the fruit of knowledge in evangelion were REALLY combining and what that meant for whether or not SHINJI was a PUSSY (he WAS - and IS - AND he should DIE!))

this was the point i decided that i had to go to college and learn japanese because that girl was on stage hitting herself in the head with the microphone so hard she was bleeding & if she was being like that over the songs and i could feel that without understanding what she was even saying then if i could understand what she was saying they might be the most beautiful songs of all time. i of course took japanese and german at the same time because as a 15 year old i probably watched eva 5 dozen times and thought asuka was "very cool" -

eventually my friend started driving me to school because we all started doing early enrollment at a college that was about a 20 minute drive from their house but a 40 minute drive from my house and my mom would drop me off at donut store parking lot 20 minutes from my house so that i could ride the next 20 minutes with my friend and he'd always give me the aux but it would play songs alphabetically from my phone meaning the first thing that would happen every single time i got in the car was the song AI NO UTA by midori would play, and every subsequent car i would get into for the next like 8 years would do this, and it would do it multiple times a day, and it would do it every day, and it would often be extremely loud and annoying, and i developed a habit of immediately shutting off car radios as soon as i got behind the wheel so i could choose my song first, because i fucking loved ai no uta when i was 16 but sort of got pavloved into thinking it was annoying by all of this

anyway when i started going to art school and inventing women i thought were cool to draw one of the things i did was start loading pimple with traits related to thinking dragon ball and midori were dope where as a parody of myself and the way i was acting when i was 16 and after meeting about 30 different animation students at SCAD who all would say stuff like "pool" by tricot would make a really good anime opening! and me always thinking to myself, secretly, "not as good of an anime opening as i thought yukiko-san by midori would make when i was 16 and my entire life was reading dragon ball and getting in arguments with my parents and girlfriend and listening to midori and imagining getting hit by cars" and so i designed a hoodie that i drew pimple wearing in some comics where she screen printed the word "DESTROY" in japanese onto the right sleeve because that's what mariko goto says in that song

but i remember i was like, at the time, as a 21 year old, thinking, "midori is so cool, it's so crazy nobody really knows midori yet still, but when i finish my million dollar web comic IP 'Manifesto' then this will be a very cool easter egg" - anyway midori Now is a band which a lot more information has been translated and exists and i didn't KEEP taking japanese classes because when i was 18 i got so SICK from having to sleep in an UNINSULATED SHACK OUTSIDE OF MY PARENTS HOUSE FOR A YEAR THAT I FAILED ALL OF MY COLLEGE CLASSES AND HAD TO TRANSFER SCHOOLS TO A PRIVATE ART SCHOOL THAT DIDNT HAVE JAPANESE CLASSES AND I THREW UP EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A YEAR BECAUSE I WAS INHALING SO MUCH DUST AND NORTH GEORGIA DETRITUS AND SINGING SONGS SO LOUDLY ON MY GUITAR MY THROAT WAS SEMI PERMANENTLY FUCKED UP - culminating of course years later in me on the opposite side of the country, in portland oregon, getting tubes shoved down my throat to find out if i have a "GERD" and how many prilosec generics i need to take in a day which i ended up taking none of ever

i was very convined all of this would matter some day and i would say a lot of this stuff to anybody who i talked to in the course of having conversations with them about our lives and interests and when AI NO UTA by midori would play on my car radio and i had a new passenger i would usually have to say something about how it was the first song that always played in my car and it did start with really loud and annoying drums but they were the coolest band of all time but i also was very convinced none of it would matter and i became instilled with a lot of different, bespoke, fear of "none of this will matter" based drives and ways to make all of this matter and i drove myself insane threading and needling various different references and signifiers of things like "the thing that represents the point in my life where i was trying to kill myself this way" vs "the thing that represents the point in my life where i was no longer trying to kill myself this way" but every time i tried to make stuff, stuff didn't work or if it did work i wasn't sure things mattered or didn't matter regardless,

& when i was 26 i was touring with a band & we were in new york & i was sitting around one morning with the tape label people who organized the tour & i had been driving the tour van & selling the merch & taking pictures & i was extremely exhausted because we had stayed up the entire previous night waiting for someone to drive from new jersey to new york to deliver us drugs & i slept barely at all & one of the people on the tape label - everybody decided after this tape label was SCAMMERS & frankly before we even went on tour i knew this tape label as SCAMMERS but everybody was being nice because they didnt yet believe they were SCAMMERS even though they were SCAMMERS and would go on to be fully recognized as SCAMMERS nobody was allowed to talk about it but they said one morning as we were crowded around an air bnb in new york - i believe it was long beach, new york - and there was a like cafeteria long table inside the air bnb we were sitting on, and the chief scammer of the scammer label said, "next time we all go on tour, in april, we can go to japan, because we've got a tour lined up with this artist, and this artist, and DJ510MARIKO" and he said DJ510MARIKO like she was the least important artist of the 3 artists, but it clicked inside of my head like 10 million explosions, and i said "like, mariko goto?" and the guy said, "huh?" and i said louder, "like, mariko goto?" and he said, "oh yeah i think so" and i was like "like the dj project of mariko goto from midori after she quit midori and was institutionalized and then took a break on and off from making music you're saying we could go on tour with her" and he was like "wow you know a lot about this" and i was like "yeah she's like the coolest woman on earth" and he was like "yeah you could go on tour with her" and then we never went on tour with her and i never finished manifesto the end

[sammygender]

mysterious skin x supernatural (sam winchester)