samphiresprite

who are you protecting?

[samphirespritesworld]

Retrograde Amnesia

They made me lie on my side, IV dangling over the edge. My mouth was numb and full of green plastic and they were pushing the fentanyl and the midazolam. I was very sick and they were going to find out why.

and I remember being awake but not knowing what they were doing to me. They must have but I didn't feel it. My body did, and it retched, and that's how I can remember that moment. I was retching but my brain had been disconnected from my body and so I just dispassionately watched myself try to vomit up an endoscope that I couldn't feel and wasn't even sure was inside me.

My notes say I tolerated the procedure well, but when I try to recall anything beyond these shards, all I find is a nauseating disquiet. It reminds me of chewing over a vivid nightmare; the more I poke at it, the more it tatters away and leaves me with an endlessly growing ghost in its place. The visual memory is gone, and so there is only a bad feeling left to follow me around. The sedation made me feel so relaxed that when something objectively distressing happened to me, I didn't fight it. Something bad happened and I didn't care. Something bad happened and I liked it. Something bad happened and I want it to happen again.

I am scared that I will forget the retching and the pain and violation, and that all I will be left with is a sterile smiling face scrawled across a procedure file that proclaims I tolerated the procedure well. I liked being sedated, and I liked being investigated and the tantalising promise of help that it symbolised. I tolerated the procedure and I did it well. Does that mean I was well-liked by the doctor? Did I behave normally when they put the tube down my throat?

Later, I learned the diagnosis. My stomach is escaping through my diaphragm into my lungs, it's called having a skittish stomach and it is most common in neurotic young women. I also have sleepy stomach disorder, which means my stomach doesn't digest food. The doctor says it doesn't need any treatment, and the weight loss is to be enjoyed, not worried about. He says I'm the luckiest girl in the world and lots of other girls would kill for my sleepy skittish stomach.

[sesiondemadrugada]

Videodrome (David Cronenberg, 1983).

[gouged-doll]

i wish i was a puppet

i wish i was a puppet because then i would be graceful

i wish i was a puppet because i want to move before i understand why

i wish i was a puppet because if the strings were visible, at least i’d know what was pulling me

i wish i was a puppet because i already feel moved by things i cannot name

i wish i was a puppet because i am tired of being the hand and the thing that moves

i wish i was a puppet because i want to see the hand above me and finally know what to blame, what to worship, what to resist

i wish i was a puppet because i want the comfort of having a maker

i wish i was a puppet because then i could hate the maker instead of myself

i wish i was a puppet because maybe i don’t want to be free

i wish i was a puppet because i want to confuse obedience for peace

i wish i was a puppet because sometimes i envy things that cannot betray themselves

i wish i was a puppet because maybe agency is a prettier word for responsibility

i wish i was a puppet because i want my dependencies to be honest

i wish i was a puppet because i want to understand the mechanism of my own movement

i wish i was a puppet because then my defects might be construction rather than character

i wish i was a puppet because then my emptiness would be beautiful

i wish i was a puppet because there would be nothing frightening about my emptiness

i wish i was a puppet because i want emptiness without interpreting it as death

i wish i was a puppet because then i would never die

[read more]

[gouged-doll]

Your blog visually centers around inanimate objects, the body, decay what's its appeal to you? What does it mean to you? Is it a personal expression if so what do you wish express between the bridge for other people to understand? Or do you just like it? What got you into this by whom ,where and when?

this is difficult for me to explain, but i am going to try to explain it simply.

when i am in psychosis, one of my primary delusions was that i believed inanimate objects were communicating with me. i also experience intense apophenia, so in a sense, all images became embedded with coded meaning.

as a result, i became obsessed with the power of images, and the agency of the inanimate. the inanimate are not “alive” in a real sense, but they are not totally passive. images and objects act on us through a system of meaning, we project meaning onto them, become attached to them, fear them, fetishize them, preserve them, and sometimes allow them to stand in for people or things that are no longer there. i think psychosis made me aware of this strange relationship, as when i was acutely psychotic, the distinction between something having meaning and me giving meaning to it became blurred. an object could feel like it possessed an intention. i felt possessed by objects. at certain times i wondered if i was an object. and i began to wonder if part of this unreality is based in a very true reality, though less literal, all the more real. obviously i understand those experiences differently now, most of the time at least, but the questions they created for me never really left me. what gives an image, an inanimate object, power? why can a representation sometimes feel more powerful than the thing it represents? why do we treat certain objects as though they have personhood? where exactly do we draw the boundary between a body and an object?

so i think that is also where my fixation on dolls, mannequins, artificial bodies, corpses, robots, even artificial intelligence. (i am not pro ai and i never experienced ai psychosis, but i’m fascinated by the psychology behind how humans interact with computers.) they all sit around that boundary. for example, a doll is an object which pretends to be a body… a corpse is a body becoming an object. basically, they are different versions of the same problem to me.

so i don’t know that there is one specific thing i want other people to understand... perhaps that the inanimate have more power than we ascribe to them and we are not so different in terms of agency, the lack of control we have around the systems that give us meaning. possibly, more accurate to say that i just keep returning to certain questions regarding the boundary between subject and object? the boundary between these is less stable than we think. if this sounds too abstract, idk, i don’t mean it to be.

i also became obsessed with this book, “what do pictures want?” which i highly recommend. it expresses what i mean by “objects having agency” so thoroughly, and what i mean when i say “images and objects are not passive.”

i hope all of this rambling makes sense and answers your question.

[samphirespritesworld]

"Well, the reason that I say that I feel like the dreams and the paranormal experiences are connected is because there's paranormal experiences I've had and then there's also auditory hallucinations that I've had when I'm falling asleep. Um which may or may not be just falling asleep, hallucinations that people get. Um and then I've also had a weird sleep paralysis. It wasn't like a hatman type of thing. It was like hallucinating geometric patterns on the wall and my skull was vibrating. It was very strange. So then there's that and then there's also some very vivid- all of my dreams are very vivid but like this dream there's... there's been a few dreams that have felt more real than real life, and the contents of these dreams involve me like hacking up frozen bodies with a pickaxe or drowning in a lake of ice and breaking my neck and like all sorts of very vivid things."

[krowsweater]

when perverts comes up on my playlist