In Her Dirty Mind

Sam. Chased by responsibilities. Running to seek herself. Giving wits, humor, and smile to everyone. Consistently inconsistent. 

[samslittlebrain]

Momma

The connection I have with you

is out of this world

I know your movements, but 

I don't know your thoughts

Can you hear my voice?

I am curious you see

When you come out and take your first breath,

Will you recognize me?

I hope you will remember

How amazing it is inside me

because you’ll never feel it again--

your mother’s womb, love and feeling of security

[samslittlebrain]

Blue Moon

There’s a feeling of bliss when you’re in love. I felt it on my first and I felt in on my last. A feeling so fresh, innocent, relieving, happy and unconditional. In the middle of all of it, is a great cycle of coming back to that feeling. It does take many relationships to get to that — for me, it took 9 years. That love is hard to find. It makes you do stupid stuff. It makes you try and try and try. It makes you believe, have faith, and hope for the best. It will be the happiest. It will be the lightest. Then it takes its turn. When you least expected it, it forsakes you. Abruptly, it stops and decimate the feeling of love. It gives you chaos and pain in your heart. You become broken, frail, hopeless, and helpless. For those who know me, I want to let you know that there’s a terrifying feeling after being in love. I felt it on my first and yes, on my last.

[samslittlebrain]

Etymology

I always wonder why names are named how it was named. I imagined everything has a deep, rich story about it. Unfortunately, not everything is as deep as it seems. I wish a song was named after me. What’s the story of my name? Nothing, my mom just like Samantha.

[samslittlebrain]

Prude, you talk funny

I am a prude. I think I am. I am no fun. He said I am. I am cultured. I am sure I am. I am jealous. We both think I am. All I want is clarity on the gray areas of relationship. Modern couples has it easy. Maybe that’s what they want us to think? Real relationships are hard. Serious partners are harder to come by. Many people are willing. Only a few remains strong. Will I ever find him? Or will I stay alone?

[samslittlebrain]

Not a haiku

Wandering eye

I have it. It’s good on certain situations.

Wandering eye

He has it. It ruins relations.

Infidelity

I hate it. Broken family and poor kids suffer.

Infidelity

They can’t help it. Is this all men has to offer?

[samslittlebrain]

Seriously

Have I been serious my whole life?

Or life has been serious with me?

[samslittlebrain]

Rain

It’s raining. It’s raining real hard -- thunder so loud and lightning so bright. But I like it. It makes me happy. All my worries, doubts, fears, and sadness is not dripping on baby drops instead it pours, like giants in the sky are crying for me. It’s a blessing. The parched land is given water it needs for living things to grow.  It gives puddles to kids who love to dance in the rain. It produces a sound so calm that makes me want to just lay down, ponder and appreciate what I have. It makes lovers cuddle instead of going out. It makes Cupid’s job easier by letting people share their umbrellas. Rain is a good thing. Rain is love. 

[samslittlebrain]

Control Freak

Where to start?

She has everything all set-up together. Things are all going where she wants it to be.

She met him. She clearly wants him.

She thought he’s sweet, thoughtful, caring and funny. She fell in love and acted. But

She acted to much -more than her pride.

He does not want her. He showed and made her feel it a lot of times.

She resisted.

He finally gave in. He thought of it as a necessity that time because she has everything he needed.

She forced herself to believe in a false reality of him genuinely loving him even though he really wasn’t in love. She forced him.

Now he says he love her. He still thinks of himself more often than thinking of her needs. She woke up from her fantasy. She can’t recognize if it’s her self-made utopia or reality. 

She is getting tired. She is growing weary and uncared for.

Should she expect that whatever she gives, she also gets? Should she even expect anything from her self-made relationship? Does he really love her? 

[samslittlebrain]

That girl from Tinder

She is a regular happy person. She sees things half full rather than half empty. Everything going on with her life, she considers it as an opportunity or blessing rather than a problem. She loves chocolate. She mainly listens and talks less. She knows a lot but she reserves all her wittiful conversations to that person who could understand how she thinks. She has been alone since I met her. I think she loves it. She is very independent and I think she’s the person who could survive toughest of the toughest challenge you could ever imagine. How she does that, she said she stays grateful. She appreciates everything she have, she experiences, and she sees because she knows a lot of people have more troubles than her. She fucks up more than she succeeds but that is life. But she’s tired. She’s chronically tired and still carrying on.

[samslittlebrain]

Attachment

I’m a broken person. I grew up living with it-- not because of the men I had. This is the complex I have. I collect broken things; I read broken stories. What I desire most is somebody to complete me. I never needed any, but it’s what I have been wanting. I just want somebody to attach a piece of me with. Somebody?

[samslittlebrain]

Hold the Door

I didn’t just tried. I held the door for as long as I could remember, until I died. I heard somebody saying “hold the door”. I wondered who was it, then I realized it was me. I stood up and protected you, us, our relationship for so long. I never gave up, but you did. You didn’t even looked back at me holding the door for us while I was being consumed by darkness. But I saw you, your back, walking away from me; it hurts more than the scratches and cuts I got from them. My heart died before I was even completely dead. You should have known the feeling; my brain trying to save me but my heart is already gone. I hope I saved you. I hope I didn’t die holding the door for nothing. Good bye, HB.

[samslittlebrain]

Ice Cream

Each song from them reminds me of you. Every moment of silence, my ear asks for your voice. Anywhere I go, I still can't stop thinking what if we were still together? What could have happened? Is it because our love was abruptly stopped? It was only blossoming when it was cut, and it wasn't given any time to spread its petals. Is it because the love game I had with you was real, sincere, honest and is just taking its time? Maybe. It was the best, maybe. Small figments of events occur to me and it still makes me smile. The feeling is still there. But I am torn. I am just waiting for time to decide for me. I am just waiting if He will give us a chance; maybe He knows I only need this. Maybe He knows this is enough for me. Maybe it's just part of a bouquet, and I need to get the whole set. We will see. Someday soon, our destinies will tangle up again, and it will conclude whatever this is.

[samslittlebrain]

Indifferent

I always ask myself, “What if?” I never knew what mistakes I made in my life, so far. I am just trapped here in the present going with the flow, earning strength and waiting for the right time to turn my tide around. I feel nothing. No contentment nor resent. Maybe because I am separated from my world. It’s so far away I don’t know when I’ll see it back. Or maybe I am already creating my new world, far different from what I used to have. But I don’t want this. I’m just making one to comfort myself. But I can’t feel anything. Maybe my emotional wires are jammed. Maybe they’re in the wrong receptors. I don’t know. Maybes. What ifs. I don’t knows. That’s all I can say.

[samslittlebrain]

Trance

It was vivid. You conversed in a familiar way. We talked like we used to –looking at the stars, asking the most existential questions, trying to get close to each other but not too close, and enjoying the moment. Our minds wander together to the universe, looking at the things our mere eyes cannot see nor does it want to seek. Suddenly there’s an unfamiliar movement, a new activity to our routine…you slept in my tummy. Then a new feeling registered in my brain, so fast it turned into a reflex –I touched your hair, your face. Everything feels so strange but it also feels good. Then we just lied down quietly under the moonlight. We did not chat but our hearts and minds did. Unexpectedly it all went back to me --back to a familiar place, back to a familiar feeling. It was vivid. It was just a dream. And that was the closest I have ever been to you. Maybe it is also the last…never in a million years again.

[samslittlebrain]

Continental Hearts

How I wish the lands of the Earth had remained in a Pangaea. I would not want the continents to drift apart. I would not want us to be apart. Am I selfish? I think I am not. If I was, I’d never left your side –not even once. I would not have to withstand this feeling of yearning to be with you. Maybe I wish I would have. I will sit tight, and wait for the time our continental hearts will drift back together until then, we have to survive.

[samslittlebrain]

Love Downhill

Love made her desperate. Love made her quiver in fear and cry with ceaseless tears. Love made her surrender and give everything --until she had nothing because once, love made her happy; love made her inspired; it made her hope for the days she didn’t want to see before. And now she can see love slowly tearing apart. The foundation of honesty and faith is now turning into dust.

[samslittlebrain]

Reciprocity

I am emotionally dependent on you. I don't know how to function whenever you're gone. I am literally empty when we don't talk. I base all my decisions from you. I love you so much it hurts because you're not the same to me. You can carry on with your life without me. You can imagine a happy picture without me in it. I am not saying be emotionally dependent to me, too. I am just saying appreciate this lunatic love I am giving to you and give the the same love back to me or better, more than what I give.