This is the first time in a very long time that Iâve been on this account, and I donât know if anyone will even see this and quite frankly thatâs not even what this is about. I had this account during one of the most mentally taxing parts of my life. I was a child in a very unhealthy relationship. I had endless amounts of toxicity normalized for me. Itâs been years since Iâve been with the person and years since weâve talked and Iâve experienced and grown and learned so much within these years but I still very often find myself rooted to those past toxic behaviors and traits and ideas. I struggle so often because I still feel these awful things I was taught during that period of my life. The only difference from then and now is that I understand that the things I feel and think from habit are toxic, are bad for me and the people Iâm involved with. I feel bad for thinking these awful things and feel bad for projecting them but I canât help but feel these toxic things. I still feel the tugs of misplaced jealously at my heart, the sinking feeling of trust issues. When I was in the past relationship I was utterly infantilized, the person I was with had a âdaddy kinkâ and in reality I believe it was more a psychological need to be in complete control and have power, descending from the many issues within their family. I accepted this and surrendered many things, I gave up so much of my freedom, so much of my time, I put my own feelings and thoughts aside. All to please this person because I was young, I was 14-15 and believed that I was in love and that this âadultâ person was reciprocating my affections and not using me to build themselves up. I was so lonely because they taught me that I didnât need other people, that other people would come between us, that my friends our friends, and everyone but that person was only harm. I missed my friends but I didnât want to hurt the person I was with, I was constantly hurting myself so I could cushion the hurt for this person. I struggle with decision making to this day, I struggle with trusting the person Iâm currently in a relationship with even though they havenât done anything to justify that, I struggle with accepting that they watch porn even though I know its OKAY its normal and it doesn't make me any less of a person, all of the past trauma is still affecting me and my own insecurities are hurting me and the people around me and I know itâs okay to feel bad and i know its bad to project my trauma and I donât know how to stop feeling the same way I did when I dated the person I used to date. I just want to live happy and stop feeling and thinking these awful things. Again, this whole post was for nothing other than to get it out of my system, its only for me to cope. To continue trying to work through my trauma and to feel good about life and the world around me again. This post was for no one but me and I just want it to help me feel good again.
