(this is very long, there's a summary at the bottom)
I've been wanting to do this for a while, but I've been too scared, and I'll explain why later in this post.
I've always loved writing, I've been writing since I was extremely young, but I'm also prone to procrastination and being unmotivated. A large percentage of why is due to my mental health, which tends to plummet frequently, especially during different seasons - I like to dub it my 'seasonal depression's and as much as I'd like help, I'm in no position to get it. Because I can't get help and support for it, it takes a very large toll on my life.
I won't get too into its effects as I certainly don't wish to use my mental health as an out, because it's no excuse and I should have given warning to people I was involved with here before disappearing.
Another part of it all is I tend to put too much pressure on myself. I'm so obsessed with having people like me and liking my working that I tend to bite off more than I can chew, a big example of this is the Sanders Sides Big Bang that took place, as I'm sure many of you followed. I was supposed to post my own story for that, my post date being a few days after my sudden disappearance. Now this was half a coincidence, I didn't just drop away because I was ashamed of not being about to post, thought that did add to the list of reasons why, but I didn't post when I should have, and this is the most humiliating and important thing for me to address.
The story I planned was one I was extremely proud of, and I am going to post it here someday, when it and myself are both ready to a point I'm happy with. I should have taken a step back when I had the chance to evaluate and see if I was truly going to be able to post as I thought I would, but I was so desperate not to fail. I get so many good, in my opinion, ideas and concepts for large books/novels and I'll start them but not finish them, for reasons mentioned above. So when I entered this, to begin with I was so excited and motivated, I wrote chapter after chapter, I spoke with my artists about ideas I had and I couldn't stop think about it... Then slowly I just started to lose everything. Now, I'm not going to bring my personal life into this, because that isn't fair and essentially, this is an apology. A very big one, for myself too, and I don't want to bring that into this, so I won't go into that either. But because I had never brought myself to complete finish a big project I desperately wanted to be able to this time. I felt like I had something to prove, though nobody knew of my other projects so I suppose it was just to prove something to myself. I let this cloud my logic and I definitely shouldn't have done that, it wasn't fair on my artist, the person running Big Bang or the readers waiting for each piece.
So I'd like to formally apologise to @sanders-sides-thuri , who put so much into running the Big Bang and put faith into me posting on my date, even if subconsciously. Despite not posting I'm entirely grateful for the experience. I may join future Big Bangs, however I won't unless I have a finished story (one I wrote specifically for Big Bang, not one previously posted) or a story that's a few chapters away from being finished. I don't want to risk this happening again and it's not fair to risk it, especially as when I signed up I was doing great mentally, and didn't expect to plummet so rapidly. The same could happen again and I won't let it cloud my vision again.
I'd also like to apologise to @ionadh , my talented and incredible artist, who put time and work into finishing their half of our collaboration, very quickly might I add, and most definitely didn't deserve it I have their writer disappear. I'm going to share their art after this, as it deserves that at the very least, but I'm terribly sorry for dropping away so suddenly, without warning much less.
I understand this is quite long, so I'll wrap this up quickly!
I want to limit myself less. I've always been quite tense with what I like/who I follow/what I reblog because I made this a Sanders Sides blog, so I feel like I'd be more comfortable and myself if I just let go of that. So you'll probably see more Marvel content and other franchises I'm into/get into. I'll tag it so it's easier for you to avoid if you wish, but hey, might as well enjoy everything I create.
I also want to post my original pieces! As I've said , I really love creative writing and I always have, so I write my own stories that aren't based off of other franchises.
I'm incredibly sorry and there truly is no excuse.
I'm going to expand my horizons beyond just Sanders Sides.
I'm going to post original pieces.
I appreciate all my follows and likes and I don't deserve them, but thank you all so much.
I've been terrified to be active again as I completely expected to be attacked, and - in my mind - rightfully so.
