“It was a really toxic relationship. I think she’d agree with that. We allowed each other to be depressed. We encouraged it, actually- just to increase the dependency. We were together 24/7. Instead of pushing each other to be better, or get help, we just stayed in bed all day long. We skipped our classes. I failed out of school. Occasionally she’d break up with me, and I’d be a mess, then a month later she’d be knocking on my door. And I hate saying it out loud, because she was suffering too, and I don’t want to make her seem like a bad person. But she knew how to pick apart my insecurities. She made me feel manipulative for needing help. She made me feel like a terrible person. Like I just wanted attention. Since I thought she was the only one who really knew me, I figured it must be true. It got to the point where I didn’t feel worthy of being around people who cared about me. So I kept away from my family. Then I took their absence as proof they didn’t care. Eventually I convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me. One night I locked the door of my bedroom, and swallowed an entire bottle of Ambien. A few days later I woke up in the ICU. My whole family was there. My mom told me that if I’d died, she’d never have been able to live with herself. My dad told me that he’d dropped to his knees when he’d learned. I guess that’s what it took to make it finally click. I’d spent so much time convincing myself that nobody cared. If I’d have only stepped out of that relationship, and leaned on those people, I’d have learned how much they did.”
