go away

[sangsaeaya]

24122022 - 0147AM

I visit my Tumblr again because tweeting this would attract unnecessary attentions.

So many things happened, my parents currently abroad for umrah and my brother gonna need to get married soon.

It means one year more to evaluate and observe.. almost everything in my life before I step forward with my current partner.

And.. to really achieve a healthy lifestyle before we decide whether we try to have children or not. Which for now, sorry, I rather not. And he said he too does not want to have a kid rather than see me in pain.

Well, that’s good!

Why I write here again? Because my back hurts when I writing on my working table.

I want proper house, proper kitchen, proper studio, proper lifestyle, proper house cleaning kit, isn’t it too much to ask? God? Why I can’t have stable income? I know I’m not smart and not skillful but I didn’t steal anything. I thought helping my friends by bought their products and such could help me back. Guess not..

Maybe right now I’m being an ungrateful bitch. I am. I’m tired.

Ever since that damn coffeeshop cut my salary I’ve been upset. I know that was a good sign for me to sign off but God, I’m so sad. I thought feeling enough and grateful of my part time job will put me on Your best side. I don’t know.

I’m a fat ass and an asshole, that one I know.

[sangsaeaya]

Berantem lagi karena aku lagi. Stres. Yaudah.

[sangsaeaya]

Pusing, ga nyaman dalam hati dan di fisik, berkabut. But I'm good. Makan dulu aja deh.

[sangsaeaya]

I can't lose my shit again in front of this family... Better stay out of their circle.

[sangsaeaya]

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

[sangsaeaya]

Swollen eyes and tired souls.

[sangsaeaya]

8.34 am, December 21st. I knew it. I should have warn him more. I should have take the motorbike key from him. What will I do if he hit other motorbike or cars or fucking thrown to the cliff?

He shouldn't drive while drunk. I will make sure he won't do this again. Now I can't sleep, and I got an appointment at 1 pm. Now I want to rush to his house and hug him and take care of him.

Shit. His parents were in town since last night. Shit.

[sangsaeaya]

6.29 pm, December 9th 2020

Already talk and meet with couple of friends. I love them. I feel better. But still need to prepare for the worst.

[sangsaeaya]

2.09 pm, December 8th 2020.

Still in the bed. Blame and blame myself. Beat myself up. So much to do.

[sangsaeaya]

I love both my short and long hair.

[sangsaeaya]

Life is hard and I still don't get the new emojis.

[sangsaeaya]

I’m a total asshole.

Tiga bulan terakhir makin sadar bahwa aku nggak belajar dari kesalahan yang aku buat, aku bodoh, nggak begitu berguna, dan memang kalau mati bagusnya jadi pupuk tanaman.

Aku bikin kecewa orang-orang terdekatku.

Sikapku yang keterlaluan ini yang membuatku takut jadi orangtua atau ibu. Dan sebenarnya tidak menikah juga tidak apa-apa. Melahirkan sama menyeramkannya.

Maaf di hidupku jadi nggak ada maknanya.

Hal-hal kecil yang kupikir bisa membentuk hal besar malah terlalu memenuhi kepalaku dan aku lalai memberi fokus pada hal-hal besar.

Aku teriak-teriak sepanjang ringroad utara dan ringroad barat, berharap kecelakaan aja tapi nanti malah makin bikin repot orang.

Ringroad terasa lebih panjang dari biasanya.

Aku memutuskan hapus media sosial lagi. Kayaknya memang perlu, tugas di P(art)Y LAB belum selesai. Tugas sebagai anak tidak jalan. Tugas sebagai pacar tidak begitu becus. Jadi seniman adalah semangatku? Yang benar saja. Aku cuma jago dalam hal bersenang-senang. Atau bersantai-santai.

Buat apa sih aku dilahirkan?

[sangsaeaya]

AYO BISA AYO BISA AYO BISA AYO BISA AYO BISA AYO BISA AYO BISA

I can do it I can do it I can do it

[sangsaeaya]

Tujuh lukisan lagi jancuuuuuuukkkkkkkkk ayo iso ayo iso

[sangsaeaya]

🥰

[sangsaeaya]

[sangsaeaya]

Serving you boldness in lips and attitude since 1995.