My hands don’t work like they used to.
Chronic insomnia has taken a toll on my health year after year. I still remember how, less than a decade ago, everything felt so smooth, so effortless playing the piano, experimenting with guitars and bass. My fingers glided with ease back then.
But now, the shaking, brought on by a mix of anxiety and health issues, reminds me of the very real possibility that one day, I may wake up and find my hands simply don’t work anymore. That terrifies me.
At my lowest, music has been my only comfort, whether I’m listening to it or creating it. What I make doesn’t judge me. Tt doesn’t hurt me. Yet, my anxieties just hit harder when I realize I’ll never be the person I wished I could be. I’ve always wanted to feel like I mattered, but that’s been hard, even with the love of some family and a handful of close friends.
I rarely speak, even to those closest to me. My greatest desire has always been simply to be heard. Yet another part of me, the voice in my mind, insists this yearning is foolish, worthless.
This past year, the shaking has gotten so bad that people have asked if I have Parkinson’s disease. While I can confirm it isn’t that, it’s the result of years of poor sleep and an inability to find medication that truly helps. I like to think my brain is the root of it all—the depression, the isolation, the shakes. It’s easier to blame the part of me that feels beyond my control.
I know I’m not a great musician, nor do I think I ever will be. But music is my soul. It’s my lifeline. Without it, I might as well be dead.
Even so, I’m not afraid of dying. I’ve loved people who were taken far younger than me. I don’t know where I stand on life after death, or whether there’s a God, or Gods… But, if they exist, and there is a place we can go after we die, I hope I’ll get to see those people again.
Despite all these fears of what I stand to lose… I’ve found a strange peace in it all. Maybe it’s hope. Maybe it’s foolishness. Whatever life gives me, I’ll keep doing my best. If nothing else, I’ll keep creating, keep putting myself out into the world, if only to remind myself, and maybe others, that I still exist, however fleeting that may be.
prguitarman
areudirty
dailybridgerton
turnnoffyourmind
discoholicmusic
baratheonpilled
pixelskylines
