[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #14 The Harbinger came down on the Sunwell. I don't know what's happened, but I can see the Light blasting into the Voidstorm above. It's clear things aren't over. The nightmares are still happening when I sleep. I'll try to write more soon. I'm still processing what's happened.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #13

Okay, I know this is sudden! But I asked Conan to be my life mate last night... He said YES!!! It feels like a fucking dream!! I wanted to do something nice for Love is in the Air. I went full traditional because I knew he never really celebrated it before. So I asked him to be my Love for the holiday in front of everyone, with a flower and a box of chocolates and he was so happy. He was so eager to drag me off right then and there to be together. I already knew where we were going: Grizzlemaw. It was one of the last places I remember before I woke up and it's my most favorite place in Azeroth. I wonder if it still is. We took a log ride, stopped at Conquest Hold and then walked all the way there. I told him I wanted him there to create new memories there. Happier ones, now that I knew my last memory there didn't last. He just means so much to me in so short a time. I've always been a hopeless romantic but this is...different. I don't want him to be my fourth husband. But I want him to be my first life mate. I want to be alive for him. I've avoided death so much, had so many backups, created so many fragments of myself only to kill them again. I want to throw that all away. One last body swap. Into a breathing, bleeding body. I want us to have children together, to grow old together. And, hopefully, to share an afterlife together. Conan doesn't know this, but I already plan to pick an orc body. I think it'd make him really happy. I even went to Ban'orak as soon as Conan was asleep so he could tell me the Orcish tradition to promise ourselves to each other. I even told him about the plan to be an orc. He doesn't approve of it, of course, cause he's a hardass. But, he's still helping out, surprisingly. He even has an orc chick in mind in the new Twilight cult that's been causing issues cause she keeps coming back, so he thinks this is the best way to stop her. She's pretty cute. And I can't tell, I was pretty overwhelmed. But, I think Ban was saying that we could join his clan. He probably just means he'd be willing to have his clan officiate the whole thing since we need someone to decide what our hunt will be. But, I don't know. Maybe I'd be okay with that. I still need to talk to Conan about it all first, though. Shadows, I can't wait. I feel like I can take on anything in Azeroth. I feel like I could pull out Sargeras' sword. Nothing will stop me tomorrow. Once I have my memories back, we're going to go back to Grizzlemaw to celebrate. My new life starts tomorrow. I bet I'll have a lot to write next time.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry 12 Realized I was starting to put off writing in here again. I hope I keep the habit of writing, because I'm writing in here out of spite at this point. It's been three days since I've been at sea. It's still difficult to get near the rails, but I'm not panicking as much. The jitters aren't as strong so I don't feel like my body's on fire. I mostly just feel them in my shoulders and arms lately. But, it's getting better. There's been a lot of fighting and drama on the ship, and, of course, Cenne is here too. Was hoping she'd stay gone. But now I just flip her the bird when I see her around. She had the nerve to say 'we could be friends', like I should just forgive her without any real reason to! I'm not letting her get away with what she did, especially after she made Conan cry! Ugh, elves. And then Ceecee's been upset with me because I said I wasn't comfortable with her having authority on the ship when I'm not exactly at ease as it is. I'd rather have Ombra keep the position of First Mate since I actually trust him. Besides, as much as I like Ceecee as a friend, she comes off as a liability at times. I hope she's not mad at me for long, but this isn't easy for me either. Shadows, S'alura would've never put up with her. Anyway, I've pretty much decided that once we reach the Eastern Kingdoms, I'll start gathering my team together to make the dive into Vashj'ir. One way or another, we're getting my soul back. I want to know everything I've missed.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #11 Yesterday was amazing. I made some ribs for Conan. They're not his mother's kodo ribs, of course, but he seemed to love them. He couldn't stop eating them. I'm glad I made so much. And pat on my back, those were practically falling off the bone. We talked all night about so much. Good, bad. We were honest and open. It was...different. There was so many times where he insulted, well, more like, he offended me. Because he spoke the truth. He's not afraid to call me out, for who I was or who I am. And I like that. He doesn't hide anything. He speaks his mind. Everyone thinks he's not the smartest for that. But I like his lack of tact. I know everything he says is the truth. Which makes me believe how much he says he loves me. I have no doubts. It's only been a couple of weeks since I've known him, but I've fallen so hard for him. I want him to be apart of my life so much. I want him to meet the kids too, so he doesn't need to be snuck into the house, but...I'm giving it time. I'm upset what Cenne did, riling Conan up by bringing up my kids to him, calling him 'dad' to upset him. It feels like...he's only going to think about that now when he meets them.. I will be, at least. I want it to be special. I don't want it tainted. I already know it's hard for him. And so much of me is trying to tell me just to not let it happen, but he keeps saying I want to. But, I just need more time. Maybe once I get my memories back, it'll be easier once we've settled back in. I do feel a lot better. I took a sleep potion last night and now, I feel so much lighter. My head hurts less. There's less weight on my shoulders. I even had a dream, but I can't remember it. But, I know I had one. Maybe I'll remember my dream next time.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #10 I ordered some sleep potions. Should be done today. I'm hoping it'll stop the pounding in my head. Met up with Ban'orak for the first time. He said that before my memory loss, we had become friends again. I don't know how true it is, but honestly, I don't want any more enemies. I'm too tired for that. I just need a break from how loud my head is. It's so much quieter than with my Shadow, but, it just feels like there's so much pressure building up inside. I just can't stop thinking about everything. I need my brain to turn off. I don't know if I'm okay or not with Conan being there while I sleep. It's not that I don't trust him or anything. But, I don't know. If I do, he's going to be the first person I fall asleep next to since I was alive. It just sounds really intimate. With how scared I am that I'm going to lose him any day, do I really want to risk making that memory with him, only for the idea of sleep to only bring back sadness in the future? Maybe I'm just overthinking again. Which is why I need the fucking potion. I hope it puts me to sleep for three days.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #9 It's been a while since I wrote in this. I've just been really tired and frustrated. I know I'm trying to keep records now, but, I just really need to get everything out. Everything. I'm so wound up and feel like I'm going to snap any second. I hate feeling like a burden. A victim. I hate the way everyone treats me when I'm upset because it only upsets me more. It's not like I can cry anymore so what's the point of just feeling sad and down with myself all the time? But I just need a way to get it out. To just say somehow, tell something that I'm not okay. This is so fucking hard. And scary. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to be better. I just want this to be all over.

<There is a splatter, like Sanyo threw her pen down. But the journal entry continues like she came back to the journal to keep writing.>

I'm so scared I'll lose everything. It's bad enough Vael figured out something was wrong. But, I'm so terrified of April finding out. I feel like it's going to ruin the only sense of normalcy still left in the family. I keep constantly feeling a pit in my stomach, expecting Conan to tell me one day that he's going to leave me. Because why would he stay with me? I'm a Forsaken, I'm undead, I'm constantly getting into trouble, I'm ten years older than him, have kids, constantly getting killed or nearly killed, I sleep around, I'm a bitch, I never take anything seriously, and everything I say or do is just an act. Conan, he's...He's so handsome. And funny. And sweet. And lovable. He has the most amazing smile, the greatest laugh. He says all the right things. He makes me want to hold him and protect him and be protected by him. He makes me want to be alive again, just so I can sleep and dream next to him. He makes me feel things I've never felt like with anyone else. He makes me feel like a young teen, gushing over a handsome knight all over again, yet he feels so relatable. Shadows, I could just gush over him all day. Which is why I shouldn't be with him. He's gotta see that. He's kinda dumb in that cute, naive way. But he's got to see it eventually that he can do so much better than me. He's the only one who really has a chance to just leave and not deal with the consequences. Not like my kids. Or Ombra. Or anyone else I know. Most of whom are dead now so that's great. He even has someone who keeps drooling after him and wanting her for himself. As much as it pisses me off, as much as I want to try to get her to stop, I've just been biting my tongue. Because I can't blame him if he leaves. Who wouldn't? I just want to hurry and get that dagger back. Get my memories back. If he's going to leave me, I'd rather it'd be that he leaves the person he really knows, the one he fell in love with. Not me. I don't want to be the one at fault. Shadows, why am I writing about him so much? Of everything, of all that stress, everything that's happening, why do my thoughts keep going back to him? There's so much that happened. Ombra's engaged now to Divdrin. My kids are older. So many of my friends are dead. So many of my friends know me but I don't really remember them. Why am I acting like a depressed teenager over their boyfriend? I know he's an amazing guy...I just kind of hate how much of a hold he has on my thoughts and my heart. Guess I'll leave it at that.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #8

<There is just angry scribbling all over the page before it drags off, splatters of ink indicating that she threw the pen aside. The writing beneath is still legible.>

I'm so fucking done. I fucking hate this. My fucking Shadow took the dagger with my soul in it. I tracked it down. I know where it's at. It's in fucking Vashj'ir. I can't even swim over the FUCKING ocean without panicking. I can't do this. I'm going to lose everything.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #7 Where do I even start? I've been so fucking depressed. That guy, Conan, apparently, was my boyfriend that I had before I died. But, I don't remember anything about him. And it sucks, because, he does seem like a nice guy. But, he just looks at me so sadly. I don't even know who this guy is but I hate the way he looks at me. Why does he look at me like that? Did I really mean that much to him? Agh, I keep thinking about him when I should be trying to focus on recording things. So, apparently, what happened was that some warlock killed me. I don't know who he is. But, he absorbed my soul into a dagger. That dagger should have the rest of my soul, along with my memories. I need answers. It 's only been nearly ten years, but I feel like I'm missing so much. There's new races I've never even seen before. I'm leaving right now to go and track down that dagger. I can sense two ways my soul is being tugged. I'm guessing one of them is Sakkora. I promised Ombra I'd go to the gala this 'Hearthbound' group is throwing. I guess I'll make a stop there if I can make it back in time. Kinda hoping I don't run into Conan, though. I don't need the distraction.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #6 Man, I do not keep up with a journal entry often. Now I don't even know where to start. I guess all over again. I found this journal while I was going through the secret area I had hidden in my room. An area I didn't even know about. Why? Because I don't even fucking remember moving here. I woke up three days ago to Nethan, Ombra, and someone named Conan looking down at me. Turns out I had died again, and ended up having to use the soulstone Nethan gave me as a wedding gift. Which is the last thing I remember. Apparently, like ten years have passed since? I don't know. It feels so confusing and when I found this journal, I was hoping it would give me answers and now I'm so fucking pissed with myself for not keeping up with it. I should change that. I'm going to try to. I'm just really tired right now. I got a lot to explain. A lot to write. A lot I'm still learning. I wish I could sleep.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #5 I might have my work cut out for me... I was accepted as a Deathstalker, along with my offer of my services and knowledge as a Lightslayer to help begin training some of the Forsaken. There's one Keethe who has become one of my apprentices. An angry and bitter man who only joined the Lightslayers because he had heard that to be a Lightslayer, you need to have a fierce hatred of the Scarlet Crusade. And he's not wrong, in some branches. To many Lightslayers, according to my research, hatred and despair is all they know, having lost friends and family to the Scarlet Crusade, sometimes even before they died and became Forsaken. But I know that, should we ever succeed, and the Scarlet Crusade is no more, that there will be an even worse feeling. An absence of purpose. No. This is my branch to run. My Lightslayers will not fight out of hatred towards the Scarlet Crusade, not out of anger against one enemy. We are fighting for the Forsaken. We are fighting for our future, out of hope and determination. Hopefully, I can teach him to see that we are stronger when we fight FOR something to protect. And not fighting something out of revenge.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #4 I've been a Lightslayer for years, trained by my mentor, Silas. I haven't seen him for a long time and I won't be surprised if he perished in the Blight of Lordaeron. I've had to do my own research on the Lightslayer due to the fact his wife was not a huge fan of mine and assumed I was trying to steal her husband so as soon as I'd learned enough to go my own way, I left. Most Lightslayers are meant to come from a whole branch, to be trained and assigned missions. But, I never had one. I don't know if my mentor was ever associated with one. Perhaps, he learned from his own branch, but eventually left and taught me. It helped that I was already experienced with most of the techniques used by the Lightslayers. The curse of shadow my father gave me also gave me some idea of how to control it. I simply needed to do more research into the Shadows and to be introduced to the teachings of the Cult of the Forgotten Shadows. I won't say it's not a lonely life. My children help bring a lot of brightness into my life. I wouldn't mind being apart of a branch, especially with the unity I've begun to feel among the Forsaken since I started trying to spend more time with them since the creation of the Desolate Council. I've been doing my part to help with the rebuilding and I'm actually...getting along with quite a few Forsaken I would not have gotten along with in the past, many of them who would not have liked me back then. It's like we've gained more of an open mind to the Forsaken who are different from us. I've not been able to find any other Lightslayer branches. Maybe the reason my mentor wasn't apart of the branch was because the Lightslayers are dying. With his likely death, I'm probably one of the only ones. Perhaps, I should join the Deathstalkers. And offer myself as a mentor for a new branch of Lightslayers among the Forsaken. With the sudden aggression from the Scarlet Crusade, I doubt my offer will be turned down. Maybe that's where my destiny lies...Maybe I was meant to serve the Forsaken all this time.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #3 There was one thing I held a lot of guilt about. My creation of Sakkora. When I first began to realize I was polyamorous, many people were not open to the idea. Which I was willing to accept. But, often times, I would date partners who claimed to be okay with it, only to begin growing jealous and demanding me to only be theirs, knowing I was married to Nethan at the time. My solution was to use soulstones Nethan provided me to be able to have fragments of myself split up for my partners. I even intentionally put them in living bodies, killing the souls of the original inhabitants, so that I could have children someday. But it never worked out. As my fragments moved on and tried to be new people, Nethan decided he wanted the original me back. Still having my soulstone from back during the Darkspear Rebellion, he recreated my body from his memory. I was a different person then. And I looked down upon all of my soul fragments. I decided I needed to reclaim them and I hunted them all down. Gabriyel. T'akanda. Maroon. They all felt they had their own lives that had every right to live as much as my first soulstone fragment did. But she didn't think so. And she proved to be the most powerful. Likely because she was the first, and had the largest fragment. And as she killed them all, and reclaimed herself, she only grew more powerful. I feel guilt for the fragments of myself the more I returned them to me. I didn't realize how much of myself I had lost until I was close to whole. The only one I had left was Sakkora. And she's the one I despise the most. After I, well, Gabriyel, had been removed from my own team by my old friends who hated me for choosing to be in a male body, I decided to fake my death and start anew. To start over as a child of the Horde. And some twisted part of me had decided to go to Draenor, to the Shadowmoon Valley. I crept in the shadows and found a sickly orc the clan had been trying to help. But nothing was working, it seemed. I knew she was at death's door. So I decided to end her suffering. I took her away, and performed my ritual, freeing her soul from the body, and my soul took her place. Although the body was weak, I was able to overcome the sickness and eventually returned to my time, as Sakkora, who was eventually taken in by Banorak and Salahka. I remember Ban had been one of the ones who turned against me. So I never understood her logic in allowing herself to be adopted by him. But, eventually, in her words, she was the reason for the death behind her mother, after a ritual had been performed on her by a warlock to steal her youth. Eventually, as the original, began to hunt her down. And she evaded me for around two years. When I finally found her, I...froze. I had heard the sound of a baby's cries. She told me her name was Raggz. A little orc girl. The reason Sakkora fought the hardest to live compared to my other fragments. Did I really want to kill someone who took a little girl's life, only to take another innocent girl's mother? As a mother of three kids...I couldn't do it. But I warned her...Some day, that guilt is going to come back to haunt her. Knowing that she only exists because she stole the life that belonged to another girl, even if it was a short one, would make her hate the life she built. I do hope that day comes, at the least, when Raggz is grown. But, I fear for the day Sakkora comes knocking at my door to give Raggz to me. And asking me to reclaim what's mine. Would that make the guilt of what some fragment of me did feel lighter? Or heavier? I just question...What happened to me that I was willing to do all this? Maybe there was a darkness in me longer than I've cared to admit.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #2 I've never been shy about my apprehension of Sylvanas. The other, older Forsaken told me I should be 'grateful' for the 'gift of undeath she bestowed upon me' (Oh, if only they knew). But I just never liked her. I knew the things she was doing, how underhanded she was. And that's saying something coming from me. The Bitch Queen caused so much division among the Horde, with many of the Forsaken, including me, receiving disdain and mockery among various members of the Horde who understandably didn't trust her. And then, her loyalists were quick to report those who were open about their disloyalty to her and their hopes for her dethroning. I still remember carrying my fumigator mask for over a year when she became the Warchief. I could just tell. I knew that the Blight that her apothecaries brewed would be used among the Horde. I only survived Lordaeron's Blight from deep within its walls because of my mask, and my distrust. And I still almost got killed because I gave it to my idiot late husband because he never took my concerns seriously. Now, the Forsaken have managed to more or less reclaim Lordaeron. The Undercity is still blighted, but at least, from the sounds of it, the surface can more or less begin to heal. Not that it looked great beforehand. I'm intrigued to sit and watch to see where the Forsaken will go. It sounds as if the majority have come to realize that Sylvanas betrayed and abandoned them. And they have decided to move forward on their own merit. With the Desolate Council. I will admit, their council intrigues me. Belmont and Faranell, they are both rather fanatic and, in a way, sadistic. Former loyalists of Sylvanas, and set in their ways. But, they each bring something to the table. Belmont is an excellent strategist and a skillful fighter. Faranell is an amazing (to a fault) apothecary. Velonara seems reasonable as well, and brings her archery and leadership among the Dark Rangers. Lillian Voss, she has always had my respect. I relate to her fairly well. We were both raised at around the same time, with an apprehension to trust the Horde and Forsaken. But, with due time, we each found admirable traits and became fiercely loyal to our people. We also each have powers in the Shadow. Calia Menethil...I will admit, I didn't like her at first. Who gets to look that good right from undeath? And so many Forsaken who were raised after the Cataclysm were calling for her leadership when she hadn't earned it. I bet it was because of her tits. Either way, either Forsaken were calling for her to lead or felt she was unworthy. But, she does seem like she willingly wants to help us, not to lead. If she was to lead the Forsaken on her own, I would've been pissed. But...I think she's the perfect piece to add to the council. I feel like the Council is perfect as it is. I feel every member best represents very common traits to every Forsaken of different personalities and aspirations. Every Forsaken I have met will relate to at least one of the member of the Council. Which means we all have a voice. I have always been loyal to the Horde, but firmly stated I was for the Horde and not the Forsaken for what it used to be: A cult for Sylvanas. Maybe it's time I begin truly accepting the Forsaken as my own.

[sanyoblack]

Journal Entry #1

It's been over one year since my idiot husband has been reported missing. Last he had told me, he was in the Maw. I haven't been able to follow him since I'm not stupid enough to test whether or not I'm a Maw Walker. I've been trying to hold out hope he was alive. But, without even an attempt to contact me, I think he finally bit off more than he could chew. He knew that death had a disadvantage on him. But he was in death's home field. Ironically, it was our daughter, April, at four years old, who told me that I may need to accept papa isn't coming back. She didn't like seeing me pretend. She's a smart girl, honestly. Don't know where she gets it from. Probably because she's a Blood Elf. She was right, though. The threats from the Shadowlands have ended and he still isn't back. And, over time, especially as I spoke with my friends, I realize that he wasn't a great person to me. He was abusive, mentally, sexually, and financially. I changed so much of myself for him. And when he finally agreed to change himself so we could both meet a middle ground, he suddenly decided he needed to dive into his adventures. Shadows, he did the same thing my first husband did when he didn't want to be around when I carried our son, because he believed I was cheating on him. And he got himself killed too. Maybe I should stop marrying the living. Nethan is the second man I married and he's still alive, albeit, a recluse. Anyway, one good thing about living husbands dying, is that my husband was a rich man. Once I finalized confirmation accepting his death, that was passed onto me. After finally finding my inheritance my father left me as well, I'll never have to worry about money, for me, or my kids, or my grandkids. Coming to terms with everything, I feel a huge relief. But, I'm not ready to go back to the Wyvern's Tail. Not yet. There's too many memories of my husband that have been tainted. Piv is ready to go to A.C.M.E., April is starting school, and Vaelodirn is reaching apprenticeship age. Things are peaceful, for now. Maybe I should take a break and focus on their education.

[sanyoblack]

Wow this blog is nine years old and I didn't do much with it.

Came back to WoW and want to make sure, going forward with Sanyo's story, that I have a place with Sanyo's thoughts and goals archived due to increasingly worse memory issues I have.

I left sometime during the middle of Shadowlands (around Chains of Domination) and returned for The War Within, Legacy of Arathor. Due to this, this journal blog will serve as a record of everything that has happened in the lore (which despite me leaving for three years, I have been told that about 6-8 years have passed lore-wise. I have decided to say 7 years have passed).

Due to the vagueness of the timeline in WoW, there will be no date and the post date will have no relation (especially because I may more than one post in a day but are set at different points). But I will try to keep it in linear order.

That said, while I doubt anyone else but me may remember, I may retcon or simply not mention parts of Sanyo's past before this journal in order to simplify Sanyo's story going forward. Her story prior is ten years old and a lot has happened. If you were apart of a history with Sanyo that is not mentioned, bring it up with me first. I may not have retconned it and left it out for simplicity's sake.

See you in Azeroth!

[caira-ake-arts]

Sanyo Blackthorn - World of Warcraft Forsaken Rogue