Nothing is ever funny

( ' v ' )

[sarahchandesu]

The Sky is Falling - QOTSA

This song is  when I got back into the life of the boy I never got over I’d drive an hour to his new hometown I did that a few times Much like the poem I wrote a few years ago, dreaming about those miraculous drives to where he used to live and everything was kind of awkward, and I didn’t know why but the answers were right in front of me We used to exist in two states pretending not to have feelings for eachother, or horribly, dizzyingly, madly in love Not a single hint, much less a touch versus the outpour of total admiration, unable to pull ourselves apart, even for highschool security guards yelling at us But since then, he had found someone he loved more (I didn’t) And he just happened to be on the outs with her Years had passed, but we hadn’t grown up at all Maybe it was just me having the thought that shouldn’t there be a difference between 16/17, and 19/20? Just a job, and no more highschool, just more free time and dread Should we be too old to shoplift bottles of Jack Daniels  and speak quietly in the middle of the night for your parents sake? Why did I assume you wouldn’t want to hold my hand while walking to the store? Why was I afraid to go in for a kiss until it was almost time to leave? Why was I trembling, barely glued together, those times I laid under you in the dark And I felt more like an actor than a real person, actually sleeping with the boy I could never stop dreaming about?

It was because we were trying to blend those two states.

I cannot express to you, with words or with my body how I felt for you

while still being just bros, just the cool female friend who doesn’t want to hold you down (even though I really didn’t) You were never just a drunken friend with benefits. In my mind, you were so much more But in real life, you were a troubled boy with little money, cooped up in your mothers cluttered house with three dogs in the summer Your room looked like a guest bedroom and a storage space and like me, you had no idea what you were going to do. I was just the girl that never changed. I lived in the past, I built your significance, and waited.  And I got what I wanted: I got your friendship, your physical touch, the confirmation that you truly saw me differently than the other girls that had been in your life. But that doesn’t mean that it was some beautiful thing, like I’d feel once again the euphoria that was being 17 with a brand new drivers license, us loving each other with reckless abandon, with no regard for the two people we fucked over in our wake, because we just couldn’t care, you were the one, and you really believed I was, too. In early September, you got in my car and I drove us somewhere to eat. Residential speed limit 25, windshield wipers in the dreary rain this song was quietly playing And you said “Oh, this is my favorite one on the album” and I said “Mine too” And I smiled, and turned it up Because for a fleeting moment, I felt a tiny spark and that old synchronicity between us was still there.  It was what I had really wanted to feel all along.  I listen to this song, and I know that it encaptures the spirit of what I loved about us. As I think of you less and less every day, I finally look forward  but like I told you, I will always give a shit about you. Even if I wanted it closed, the door can never be locked.  

Ugh.

[sarahchandesu]

I still feel that yume nikki is the best independent horror game.

There have been far scarier games made, obviously. It isn't traditionally frightening, its not about wandering a dark forest or house with no lights on waiting for jump scares, and theres no storyline, context, or definitive moral or meaning. Its like its not *trying* to scare you, and not trying tell you anything.

The vastness of the world, the secret passageways and hidden places to discover as you go deeper, the lack of context and dialogue, the isolation, the random events, the extremely sparse NPCs who are utterly neutral to you (who usually dont even resemble humans).

The aesthetic is unprecedented, an 8-bit RPG with worlds of darkness, an ocean of pastels, snowy igloos, dense forest, a subway on fire, a rooftop where you fly over a city on a broomstick, a room of happy, dancing neon shapes, aztec-inspired and surreal figures floating in the background of a vast black world, a spaceship crash, a comforting feminine bedroom with a nice, human girl which holds a frightening potential random event.

And as much as I delight in meaninglessness, the unexplained in this game seems anything but meaningless. You cannot help but to interpret everything symbolically, but one persons interpretation is as valid as anybody elses, as there is no official story. Because of this, the game gives you creative, mental/emotional stimulation.

it doesn't get any more iconic than that. Ive never been ashamed to say its definitely a top 3 favorite game of all time

[sarahchandesu]

Surrounded by growth; Nurse logs with layers of moss and life Beyond the cedars, the sound of water Thick salal, and God-like huckleberries. The ground absorbs and remakes whatever falls, Nothing dies here.

Phil Elverum, Ravens

[sarahchandesu]

exchanging words with an idol

His mind, the ethereal landscape from which those creations sprung forth

The songs that gave me chills, tears, bursts of joy

And had transported me countlesss times to worlds of warm darkness or snowy white light

Laid just beyond the deep, black discs of his pupils

Which fixated on mine as I spoke to him.

And for a fleeting, miniscule fragment of time,

That same mind fixated on me.

[sarahchandesu]

From December 2015

“I really miss being 16.

Not out of nostalgia, but just because I wasted almost that entire year of my life wanting nothing more than to die. And in retrospect, that really sucks. But I couldn't do anything about it at all. It stemmed completely from me feeling like a waste of life, like I had accomplished nothing in life, and I was still accomplishing nothing.

So I pushed myself in every way I could think of, and actually, it <did> work for the most part. I ate better, did a lot of physical activity. I was in a sport, and I also volunteered at an elementary school. I forced myself to read books, mostly philosophy, my music taste expanded exponentially. (Sometimes I tried to raise my grades, but that was an entirely different, complex issue for me.) I made a real effort to make myself look nice most days, and I hung out with more people more often. But there was absolutely zero feeling of fulfillment. All of these things did literally nothing but leave me feeling more emotionally conflicted, sometimes more insecure, and overall, so, so exhausted in every way.

With the sport I was in, I missed practices all the time, half-assed it, and my grades made me borderline ineligible. My coach asked me about this, but you just cannot look some adult in the eye and tell them "I'm sorry about everything, but its hard to practice for 3 hours a day 6 days a week and get all of my schoolwork done when I am literally focusing every ounce of energy I have in me towards keeping my head above water and not 'doing anything drastic'".

In fact, I didn't tell anybody at all the full extent of it, except for maybe one friend (who I will always love and value for this reason). I honestly believed it was normal, and that this is how <everybody> feels, all the time. I felt that I had no right to even bother anybody with it, because there was nothing they could do, and especially because I felt that I had no right to even feel this way in the first place. I wasn't dying in the street, I wasn't being abused anymore, nobody close to me had died, etc. Me perceiving myself as an utter waste of life (and having an utterly nihilistic view of life in the first place) was my own fault and my own issue to deal with. Eventually, when school ended, when the weather was nicer and I was able to eat and sleep and thrive outside of the institutional environment of highschool, felt less pressure in every way, from feeling like I had to be attractive and get good grades and be well rounded, I very slowly realized that I was no longer feeling like I was drowning. And for several months afterwards, even into senior year of highschool, I was actually in an amazingly good spot in life for a while.

I gradually realized that what I had just experienced was not normal. Depression is common, but it isn't "normal". It isn't normal to go several solid months, even years, literally without feeling any semblance of happiness or contentment. Its not normal to have suicidal urges and feel like you are being drowned by something that you don't even fully understand. To think yourself into an emotional breakdown at least once day, every day.

And I know that there are alot of teenagers and young adults going through this. Just know, what you are feeling is not normal, but it isn't something to be ashamed of or try to brush off as you just being irrational. Try not to get <too> down on yourself if certain things in your life are slipping. You are dealing with something that impedes function. And medication helps. I personally was always strictly against taking prescription drugs, but I turned out to be lucky, and it went away with time and change.

My best advice is to not over exert yourself or have a super busy schedule (if you can help it), make sure you are getting enough rest and time alone (if thats something you need), try talking to people about it, get help if you need it. And some day you will feel complete, genuine happiness again, whether it be for 2 hours or for years. You'll wonder why you ever wanted so badly to kill yourself. You'll be glad you didn't.”

[sarahchandesu]

We had been everywhere. We had really seen nothing. And I catch myself thinking today that our long journey had only defiled with a sinuous trail of slime the lovely, trustful, dreamy, enormous country, that, by then, in retrospect, was no more than a collection of dog-eared maps, ruined tour books, old tires and her sobs in the night—every night, every night—the moment I feigned sleep.

Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

[sarahchandesu]

When I was younger, I (like most everyone) learned about the philosophical concept of the burden of choice. I dunno if thats what its actually called, but thats how I think of it. The idea that having complete autonomy to make your own decisions is a huge burden. The whole hurr durr freedom is slavery thing.

I didnt really think it was that applicable to regular life (as I knew it), but actually

When I think about it in the context of food, and having to feed yourself, and choosing between eating the foods you want and getting fat and unhealthy, and then eating better but going back to eating awful shit after one or two days, and just wishing you had no car or money and had to eat whatever your parents forced you to eat as a kid It makes sense I feel that shit in the depths of my soul

[sarahchandesu]

I bought a random thing of blush off of Wish. I know, Wish a big no-no, its just the Chinese stealing your credit card information and sending you cheap things that children are making for pennies an hour. But with that being said The blush was a loose powder. The top and bottom are theoretically supposed to screw apart, but that part was completely loose. I absentmindedly picked it up by the top, and the bottom held on for about .5 seconds before clattering to the floor and getting fluorescent pink anthrax everywhere, killing me in my downstairs bathroom. A month ago, I paid precisely $1.80 to have the experience tonight of spending 5 minutes cleaning up a very bright pink powder, which slightly stained the surfaces it touched (except for skin, ironically, which is what its meant to do) $1.80 is a shitty tip that somebody living in a dorm would give me for their pepperoni pizza. I wonder if that person would ever imagine that thats where their money ended up going. I wonder if the far-away people living god awful lives in factories who made that product for me ever could imagine that thats what came of their labour. Probably, honestly I really wish I never had a smartphone.

[sarahchandesu]

Fragmented memories of June 2014

The happiest time of my life yet was looming, but not quite there.  I will never again be a 16 year old in the summer, finally rising out of a long-lasting pitch black existential depression I’ll never again be a 16 year old on a warm June evening being picked up from the YMCA by my mother, listening to the song Racehorse: Get Married! by Jordaan Mason and the Horse Museum and looking up at magnificent black clouds. Or walking every day late to my online summer geometry class, which I cheated my entire way through, and distracted myself the entire time. Or standing briefly on my back porch, staring up through the lush, dark green leaves of the tall tree in my backyard at the fully pink sky. Breathing in a mix of fresh, rainy, earthy air from the open windows, and the subtle stench of garbage on my back porch. I’ll never again be high as hell, anxiety-ridden in my abusers apartment. The moment he stepped out the door to run across the street, I sunk to the carpeted floor next to all of the cluttered boxes and rested the back of my head on the refrigerator. Nobody in their cars sitting at the stoplight in the crowded city street below could possibly see me then, through the dozen apartment windows overlooking it. I closed my eyes, and began plugging my ears with Swimming Pools by Kendrick Lamar. I centered my jumbled mind on drinking in every sonic detail.  Something about it made me feel satisfied. I walked home in pitch darkness. I’ll never again be walking home from my abusers apartment in darkness, a different time, during a short break in the middle of an intense thunder storm. There was no pouring rain, but the air was as full of humidity as the concrete was full of fresh rain water. I saw the scarce light of streetlamps reflecting orange off of the black pools in the street, and  saw the parked cars drenched in raindrops. The sky rumbled, and once or twice there was a thunder clap- the kind that rouses the town from its sleep. The lightning was everywhere, every minute, all around me. And then there I was, vulnerable, blocks away from home. I remembered old tales of lighting safety, and my marijuana-imbalanced mind panicked. I began to run down the empty street. I ran quite literally for my life. And in my mind, these lyrics of my then-favorite song echoed loudly: “Pretty face, could you make the jump with me? I’m dying just to let things go. Do you remember the lightning storm? It was the first time that I really felt you. Because our lips won’t last forever. And thats exactly why I’d rather live in dreams, I’d rather die.” The words reminded me of nobody in particular.

[sarahchandesu]

Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion Eminently practical and yet appropriate as always, Mrs. Lovett how I lived without you all these years I'll never know!

- Sweeny Todd

[sarahchandesu]

She said 'In the days when you were hopelessly poor, I just liked you more'

The Smiths, Half A Person

[sarahchandesu]

Others conquered love, but I ran I sat in my room and I drew up a plan Oh, but plans can fall through, and so often, they do And time is against me now.

The Smiths, Accept Yourself

[morrisseygifs]

[sarahchandesu]

summer dreams of winter

fuck. . I only went there a few times. Its a 35 minute drive, speeding 80 miles an hour down the road to a small town just on the opposite border of a much larger, richer town as if it were the bigger town’s heroin-addict baby brother. . It is nothing but blocks of townhouses, each unit painted a different color, and a few cul de sac streets with McMansions. And I can’t imagine it any other way than I remember. I can’t imagine this place not being a tiny, wintery, suburban wasteland. The trees bare. The sky, cloudy.  The snowdrifts, hardened and slick next to the sidewalk. The dead leaves. . I would never know what it would feel like to kiss you on the playground down the block from your house without tiny frozen clouds rising between us. . fuck. . this place is the epicenter of my emotion. the tollway, the interstate, the twisty subdivision streets, the small house, sharing walls with two other small houses the upstairs bedroom, the bunk bed, the bare mattress, your arms. . Its been a while. But I could never say that I do not still long to be one of the two human figures, the baggy black hoodies and leather jackets skin white as snow, hair short and brown our fingers locked on the side of the highway. . And I would never say you’re not better off without me. I can’t even claim that I want you as fervently as I once did. . And I’m sure you loved me. But I was a fall-back, I was a transition. While you were my universe aligning to give me a glimpse of my own private heaven a perfection that had yet been inconceivable to me. . You’re still the first thought that comes to my mind when someone says “make a wish” and I don’t even mean to. . But fuck. These are only memories. And I feel a bit defeated, because they’re disappearing. . -Old draft. Written August 2015, approx.

[sarahchandesu]

Reel around the fountain. Slap me on the patio, I’ll take it now.  Fifteen minutes with you. Well, I wouldn’t say no. Oh, people said that you were virtually dead, and they were so wrong.

The Smiths, Reel Around The Fountain

[bestallcapslyrics]

[novr-deactivated20190712]

Sophie Barbasch - Training to be a girl