Undefined

Hey. I'm Sara. I have gone through a lot in my life. I have overcome a lot. I use this as my everyday journal.i basically post stuff that relates to my mood. somedays I feel like posting pictures and other days I want to write. i also do short stories and poetry. if you like to read those kinds of thing. please follow and have a great day!!!

[sarajean032383]

Our time was wasted. Seems like we never went anywhere but right back to where we came from. 3 years spent trying...working...loving...hating...

Why is it so hard to change?? Why is it so hard to let go of people we know are not good for us?? It's been one day and my heart feelings like it is cracking. Like a lake beginning to thaw. I can feel the pain deep in my soul. The grief rising up to my throat. It's almost paralyzing. To sit and drown in your thoughts. It's the hardest thing I think I have ever done is giving up on us. I feel like I failed you and I like I failed me. I'm tired. I cant keep fighting the way we do. I cant keep letting you put me down for things I have done in the past. Things you know im not proud of. You said you were sorry. But after so long.... sorry isnt good enough.... I believe I'm doing what's best. But DAMN it's these times I wish you could hold me. But you can't. .....

[sarajean032383]

Its funny how people change over night.

Why is it so hard to do something right?

Most days spent locked inside my head.

I love you and I always will.

But when I see you,

It's like rising from the dead.

You are the only one for me,

I feel it in my soul.

You always encourage me to not fit inside the mold.

You accept me for who I am.

Make me feel like I am special.

And for that I will forever be grateful.

[sarajean032383]

Your look. Your gaze. Your hair. Your body. Same heart. Same goals. Same love. Lovelace. Tangled webs.

It's complicated.

Mostly about races. Mixed perceptions. Mixed signals.

People take..

People fake.

World wanted. Work stopped. What happened.

Unanswered questions. Unopened promises. Unread letters.

[corpsemo]

src

[sarajean032383]

Running running running and never looking back. Looking to the clouds for unexplained answers. Making it to the point of no return. Asking which way to go. The spark that flies beneath me is what make all this so easy. That's what you give me. You give me peace. You keep me safe. And I'm not sure what to think or say anymore. I do know I'm not going to hide the way I feel. Because people lose to much that way.

[sarajean032383]

These anxious memories I have are unbearable. The pain. The tears. I'm not sure I know how to deal with it anymore. Most days spent wondering. That's all I seem to do anymore. Wonder. What a crazy word to think of. After all it is why were are here at this very moment. It seems to me that people have lost that part about them. The curiosity. Most people go through life everyday never asking questions. Always accept the reality that they live. Never once ask themselves why they are doing this?? What's the point in life? To me it is love. To love people as who they are. I'm not saying I'm the best person and I'm sure I have done a lot of questionable things. One thing I have never done is treat someone or make them feel less than me. I want to remembered by that. When I die I want to people to say that I was a good person. That I made them feel any less than who they were. I want to be remembered as being accepting of all people. I wish more people were like that and could see things from all perspectives. The world would be a lot better I think.

[sarajean032383]

Sitting here, wind blowing, cool air rushing in my lungs. Thinking of you and how I used to feel so secure. So vulnerable. Nothing could ever change that. Or so I thought. I long for that feeling. The feeling where you know you can count on someone. The feeling of everything is going to be okay bc you have that person by your side. Because you know without a shadow of a doubt that that person would take a bullet for you. But we are just strangers. I don't even know you. And feel like I never did. Most days I spend thinking to the past and what we had and how special it was. But to know it was all a lie. Every bit of it. And I'm stuck here to pick up the pieces. You ruined me. You made me full of doubt. You killed the person I used to be. Sometime I feel like an empty vessel. Just going through day to day motions. Just getting through the day to make it to the next. I'm not sure I will ever get over what you did to me. And I'm not sure I will ever forgive the things you did

But I'm trying to love myself again.

[sarajean032383]

I love you but I don't know how to love you.

I don't know how to love period.

I've been hurt so many times that now my wall is forever up.

I know it's me who pushes people away.

It's something I can't control.

My mind is full of clustered thoughts.

Deep dark thoughts. And a lot of regret.

Angels speak to me.

Tell me where to go.

I feel like I'm floating in circles.

The time spent here, not knowing where to go, is so depressing and down.

I feel all alone.

I have no one to call home.

[sarajean032383]

The dust settles. All I am left with is the faint smell of your truck leaving. The mix of oil and fuel. Tears bleeding in my eyes. The sound my heart made when I realized it was true. You really are gone.

Times like these I wish I could talk to you. Ask your advice. You were always the one who had an answer. An answer that would make you step back and think. Not about money or material things, but about life and what you want out of it. Being you and being a good person. When I die I want people to remember me as being a genuine and nice person. With a little sass.

I love you but I don't know how to love you...

[sarajean032383]

I feel like doing some creative writing. Something I haven't had the need to do in quite some time. But in order to process a lot of shit that's been going on I need to get it out of my head before I explode.

The more I run I can the people getting smaller. Like ants on a mound. I'm running as fast as my legs can go but not getting anywhere. Like on a treadmill with open windows all around. In the window I see my life as I have known it for the past few years pass me by. All the memories are just like dust in the wind. Colorado, Texas, and Arkansas. The jokes the heart ache...all of that will forever be a memory in two different people's minds. Perceptions different. The most I ever learned about myself was in those two years. I learned just how strong I can really be and how to push myself to the limit. I learned that if i put my mind to something the sky is the limit as where i can go. Those memories of you holding me crying till I fell asleep are leaving and scrolling past the window. And there is nothing to do to stop it. I can't catch it and bring it back. And that's the sad part. My heart is breaking and healing at the same time. And that's ok....

[sarajean032383]

So I'm sitting in my room and complete silence. Something I long for. Most days are spent day dreaming and thinking of scenarios in my head. First some reason I feel like I have been trapped inside myself. Like there is this person wanting to come out. Something drastic will happen if I do. I know that sounds crazy and maybe I am. I mean my mom is certifiably crazy. To the point where she burnt me with cigarettes and set me on a stove at 2 years old. She's the reason I have a pacemaker. She did coke while I was in her belly. She neglected me to the point that DHR was called and I along with my sister were removed the house immediately put in to foster care. I often think about the family that had me for 2 short months and probably what seemed like an eternity to me at that age. That part kills me to know that that moment in my life. So young. So helpless. Had to put up with that and cope through it. I know that is why I have abandonment issues now. Because I have been left many times. I have a fond memory of when i was 5 or so.. The police handcuffing my dad and me screaming for them to not take him. My heart broke. My soul was taken. My dad was my hero. I loved my dad more than anything. I was daddy's little girl. We did everything together. And just like that he was gone. As a kid who was raised by her granny and Charlie and an only child I learned at an early age that you will always get disappointed. I would get my hopes up. Just to be let down for a good 5 years. Until one time he picked me up and I spent a week or two with him. Those we awesome and taught me a lot about who my dad was as a person. Taught me that he wasn't the bad guy everyone thought he was. He was a little fucked up but who isn't? He was my dad. An alcoholic and drug abuser. But he worked every day. He would get up and go to work. He did believe in that. I used to always feel sorry and guilty that my baby brother didn't get the life I had. I feel like I would have been stronger than him and he probably would have done something with his life had he had the support system I had. I know i can only be mad at myself for being so stupid to give it all up. For what??

[sarajean032383]

When I stop and let my mind go to where i want to be it is always in a forest with big big trees. The more i try to see everything the father I get. But it is always this one image. Looking up seeing the leaves in fall oranges and reds and yellows. I imagine a cabin by its self. Not a big one but a cozy one. The kind with the wood pile out front and smoke pouring out the top. I want to be there just me and nature. No one pulling this way and that. No one asking me to explain the unexplainable. I could grow my own food and live off the the land. Just me and maybe a dog or a cat. That peaceful serenity is what I am looking for. I have searched my whole life for the peace within and I'm not sure I have a lot of time left to find it.

[sarajean032383]

Most days spent sailing through the world. Day to day running on auto pilot. Just going through the motions. Same thing everyday. But days like today are so amazing to let your mind wander. Free. Freedom. To be free is to let go. Let go of all the pain, betrayal, suffering. Just being grateful for all that you have been blessed with. It's funny because God has a way of showing you where you need to be in life. It works on it's own time. And never let's you down. I have done some questionable things in life and I'm pretty sure people talk shit about me now. But I don't care. I'm a good person and I know that. And that's all that really matters. It's not who thinks this and that about you. It how you feel about yourself and to me that's freedom.

[sarajean032383]

There are moments where I just want to walk away. Throw my hands up and move on. But then I get a feeling like I've never felt before. And it scares me. It scares the shit out of me. It like you hit me hard. Just your presence makes me wild inside. I haven't felt that in a long time. Most of all it's your personality not your looks that attracts me to you. It's your fun easy going side that drives me crazy. I try so hard not to feel this way. Because I know our worlds are light years apart. I'm not sure how long I have to fight it before it becomes the truth. I am in love with you and I don't want to hide it anymore.

[sarajean032383]

What happened? What happened to the promises you made? Why do you always self destruct? Why am I numb? I just don't understand. Where did it all go wrong? I thought you were the one. Why do I always lie to myself? And always hope for the best? I gave you my whole heart. And you have managed to rip it all apart. I'm not sure what to think about it all. Maybe I'm just in shock right now. I feel like and idoit for believing that maybe I was worth it. Maybe I worth you quitting drugs and drinking. But once again I'm stuck all alone. Worried and crying.

I'm not in a good place right now and I am trying my best to not lose my shit. I'm freaking out and not sure how to handle it. I love you so much and don't want to give up. But I don't have the energy to do it again. My heart is broken.

[sarajean032383]

"Imperfect"

Some things are better off forgotten

We bury them in places that we really only visit by ourselves

Oh you were a version like no other

Oh they never tell you what to do when all you see is gone

What's the sense in anything when what they say is wrong?

Oh what do you want to hear?

Do you want to know how many times

I tore myself apart cause you're not here?

Oh why do you want to know?

Does it make you feel alive

I had to die to finally let you go

Stop me... I find myself believing

A story gets rewritten so a blasphemy's permitted once again

Oh and you were so perfectly imperfect

Oh they never tell you what to do when all you have are lies

What's the sense in anything? It's just one more goodbye

Oh what do you want to hear?

Do you want to know how many times

I tore myself apart cause you're not here?

Oh why do you want to know?

Does it make you feel alive

I had to die to finally let you go

Oh what do you want to hear?

Do you want to know how many times

I tore myself apart cause you're not here?

Oh why do you want to know?

Does it make you feel alive

I had to die to finally let you go

[sarajean032383]