Beautiful Betrayal @saraphina-fire - Tumblr Blog

Iso answers tw:rape

Hey so I got raped a couple of times by different guys and the guy I'm with now I super love and sometimes when we have sex it feels like hes molesting me, like I'm into it mentally, I want the dick, but then I feel his hands and I want to cry? Even though hes super gentle...I just want to know if theres something i can do to make myself stop feeling molested when I'm touched and i want it.

#rapesurvivor #rapememory #help #need answers #ptsd?#ptsd #physicalptsd #need advice

To the boy who couldn't love

I met you my sophomore year in highschool, I saw you sitting alone and you were pretty freaked out when my little goth ass came and sat by you, a good old mormon boy. You still talked to me, you were very nice on a day where all I needed was a friend.

I found out your mom was sick, I thought we were meant to be because my mom was dead and I could understand your pain well. You brought me into your secret world because of that. When you went away after graduation you entrusted your most precious treasure to me, your mum. She became like a second mom to me too and for a while before and after you and I were inseparable.

You kissed me so sweet and held my hand gently. I thought you were there to teach me love but you hurt me too, youd make me fall in love and then take it all back and make me feel stupid for ever loving you. By the 3rd heartbreak I saw what I was really there for.

I told you it was okay to not want me, or to want me but either way you needed to be happy. I told you that having a life was something your mother wanted you to have too, and that it was safe.

I taught you how to hug, how to kiss, and how to be comfortable with someone, how to trust and know you wouldn't get hurt, I would have fallen on a thousand spikes to save you a splinter. Your mother gave you this love and so did I.

You're with a new girl now, she doesnt hurt you and you dont hurt her. I know you dont think of me, that's okay, I was there to teach you to love her, to show you to and lead you to her. I will always hold a piece of you in my heart, so always remember boy who couldn't love, someone is always there to show you how to.

Suddenly remembered what I thought while getting raped.

'Dont cry, suck it up, think of flowers in a golden field, the one you ran away to as a child' me to him(m2h): ow! Slow down, please. 'Hes not going to slow down, if you cry he wont cum, he'll stop when he comes. Moan, pornstars fake moan and fool people you can too. Think of flowers, pull yourself with those bars itll get you away for a minute. And he pulls you back...god I never thought I'd know what it's like to be dragged to hell.' Him to me(h2m): I cant cum with this condom on, can I take it off? M2h: I'd rather you didn't I dont really feel... 'and hes in me again...fuck please dont get me pregnant please dont get me pregnant fuck I cant do this anymore please god save me please let this end god please. Fuck fuck why am I cumming do I like this?, oh, god, why? do I like this? i dont want to like this I dont want to cum. Dont cry dont cry, itll take longer if you cry. Fuck I'm so fucking dry this is awful. Fuck. Please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please please please please...should i go to the hospital after this and get a rape kit? No he wont make it in jail...plus hes walking me home how can i go to the hospital with him and say he raped me...fuck you fucking coward you didn't even fight and now you're ruined and he will live life just fine.

--alarm--

M2h: I have to go, my dad will be up soon.

H2m: Oh.

'Finally it's over, thank god its finally over...'

M2h: Yeah.

--get dressed in a micro second and from behind on the bed--

H2m: This is what I mean, I always get the girl off but I take to long to cum so I dont get to and just get left with fucking blue balls!

'Fuck...just blow him you dont want to walk that alone. It's all the way across town and those guys are probably waiting somewhere.'

--blows him, makes it home--

'Fuck you fucking whore. How could you, you didn't even fight. You're filthy.'

--take a shower, sit on my bed looking out the window--

-take another shower, change clothes twice, cant feel clean, all I feel and smell is him on and in me-

-slices open legs till all I see it blood, smear blood all over legs and arms and body, cut more on hips and stomach and arms so theres enough to paint myself red-

-showers-

Finally fucking clean

Still ruined

[Backstory is he was my bestfriend at the time and I went over to his house Christmas eve, he has autism, and didn't listen when I said no a hundred times and even when I tried to slap him he caught my hand and put it on his dick, I had had two other guys try to grab me and take me into bushes on my way there and he'd said before all this he'd walk me home. So this is what it's like to get rapes by a guy friend whos twice your size and you trusted with your life, or at least how it was for me. And because I had an orgasm I thought it wasnt rape for years and felt awful for thinking of it that way and being 'one of those girls' you know who has sex and regrets it and cries rape. But I wasnt and due to his disability he didn't understand what he was doing, or at least that's what he said and I need to believe that or it becomes to dark for me to handle some days. So as a lesson to others. Idc if they're your bestfriend from childhood, if they won't listen to no knock them out and run. Dont think it wont effect you, it will, it was 6 years ago and I still have nightmares throughout december, have flash backs when my man and I are making love....its awful. And if you didn't fight, because you couldn't, it's okay, you arent alone. It's called a freeze response.

#rape #rapememory #horrible memories #i wish i could forget #wish id stayed home #girls dont sneak out to see guy friends #i dont think i deserved this

Suddenly remembered what I thought while getting raped.

'Dont cry, suck it up, think of flowers in a golden field, the one you ran away to as a child' me to him(m2h): ow! Slow down, please. 'Hes not going to slow down, if you cry he wont cum, he'll stop when he comes. Moan, pornstars fake moan and fool people you can too. Think of flowers, pull yourself with those bars itll get you away for a minute. And he pulls you back...god I never thought I'd know what it's like to be dragged to hell.' Him to me(h2m): I cant cum with this condom on, can I take it off? M2h: I'd rather you didn't I dont really feel... 'and hes in me again...fuck please dont get me pregnant please dont get me pregnant fuck I cant do this anymore please god save me please let this end god please. Fuck fuck why am I cumming do I like this?, oh, god, why? do I like this? i dont want to like this I dont want to cum. Dont cry dont cry, itll take longer if you cry. Fuck I'm so fucking dry this is awful. Fuck. Please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please please please please...should i go to the hospital after this and get a rape kit? No he wont make it in jail...plus hes walking me home how can i go to the hospital with him and say he raped me...fuck you fucking coward you didn't even fight and now you're ruined and he will live life just fine.

--alarm--

M2h: I have to go, my dad will be up soon.

H2m: Oh.

'Finally it's over, thank god its finally over...'

M2h: Yeah.

--get dressed in a micro second and from behind on the bed--

H2m: This is what I mean, I always get the girl off but I take to long to cum so I dont get to and just get left with fucking blue balls!

'Fuck...just blow him you dont want to walk that alone. It's all the way across town and those guys are probably waiting somewhere.'

--blows him, makes it home--

'Fuck you fucking whore. How could you, you didn't even fight. You're filthy.'

--take a shower, sit on my bed looking out the window--

-take another shower, change clothes twice, cant feel clean, all I feel and smell is him on and in me-

-slices open legs till all I see it blood, smear blood all over legs and arms and body, cut more on hips and stomach and arms so theres enough to paint myself red-

-showers-

Finally fucking clean

Still ruined

[Backstory is he was my bestfriend at the time and I went over to his house Christmas eve, he has autism, and didn't listen when I said no a hundred times and even when I tried to slap him he caught my hand and put it on his dick, I had had two other guys try to grab me and take me into bushes on my way there and he'd said before all this he'd walk me home. So this is what it's like to get rapes by a guy friend whos twice your size and you trusted with your life, or at least how it was for me. And because I had an orgasm I thought it wasnt rape for years and felt awful for thinking of it that way and being 'one of those girls' you know who has sex and regrets it and cries rape. But I wasnt and due to his disability he didn't understand what he was doing, or at least that's what he said and I need to believe that or it becomes to dark for me to handle some days. So as a lesson to others. Idc if they're your bestfriend from childhood, if they won't listen to no knock them out and run. Dont think it wont effect you, it will, it was 6 years ago and I still have nightmares throughout december, have flash backs when my man and I are making love....its awful. And if you didn't fight, because you couldn't, it's okay, you arent alone. It's called a freeze response.

#rape #rapememory #horrible memories #i wish i could forget #wish id stayed home #girls dont sneak out to see guy friends #i dont think i deserved this

melisica

kittyb4e

sudjjfkflflfkahabsbdi-deactivat

They are going to pass all of their finals

socialistwaluigi-deactivated202

who?

sudjjfkflflfkahabsbdi-deactivat

the student reading this ❤️

zaynschickens

I mean thanks for the support but idk…

sudjjfkflflfkahabsbdi-deactivat

I had a bestfriend in highschool, she abandoned me for some other friends and its whatever, shit happens. We dont talk anymore because I cant trust she'll be down for me anymore. Out of everything about her I miss her dad the most.

My father wouldn't tell boys to respect me, he expected me to. Which okay, my dads a huge feminist and believed I had the power to whoop a man's ass, but he didn't understand a girl not wanting to be scary to her boyfriend.

Her father would tell me that if the guys disrespected me to bring them over and he'd deal with it.

He called me kid.

He would give us real dating advice when my dads only responses to things were either 'kick em to the curb' or the 4 f's find them. Feel them. Fuck them. Forget them. (Told to a 14yr old girl going into highschool.)

Idk he just seemed to be what a dad was supposed to be, strict but not an asshole, loving but not a pussy, smart but not a genius, rough and tough but also protective and sweet and he knew how to joke with teenage girls and how to complement us without it being weird or creepy and I honestly just miss being able to go to her house and be treated like a kid. I was treated like an adult for so long at home that when I went somewhere and they laid down rules and realized I cant be strong all the time and that girls need protection even if we are strong. (My dad put me into martial arts. I went 3 hours a night because I loved it. I am in no meaning of the word weak)

Is just miss having a figure around that I knew would be safe.

Now I do love my dad, and he is amazing and he trained me to fight before I knew how to play tball,that is how he protected me. He taught me to fish and to build and problem solve but I often feel like I was raised more as a boy than as a girl, I was told not to cry and to fight instead of talk, I was told I had to work, I was encouraged to work manual labor and although that worked out to make me strong, I feel like I missed out on the daddy-daughter dance type of relationship that my ex-friend had with her dad. He was her rock and protector and mine made me scared to wear short skirts and made me feel like I was thrown to the wolves with a pocket knife.

stalagtites-s

who cares if i scratch up my arms !! it never mattered !!

I purged today.....first time in over a year....I dont know how I got back to this point, I'm so disappointed in me but I cant tell anyone because then they'll know.... so I made a post here #closurefuckmylife