Women feel more guilt than men, not because of some weird chromosomal issue but because they have a history of being blamed for other people's behavior. You get hit, you must have annoyed someone; you get r*ped, you must have excited someone: your kid is a junkie, you must have brought him up wrong.
Has anyone else watching raising voices on Netflix? The triggers and amount of times I’ve cried my goodness. But YESSSSSS this story needs to be told for every survivor, for every one who ever thought that their reaction wasn’t the “norm”, for every fucking person out there who doesn’t get it! WATCH. THIS. SHOW. Just like how I told people to watch grand army because the hard truths are what we need so we can become more compassionate, empathetic and understanding
cw/tw: I played something that I knew would probably trigger me and then was all surprised pikachu face when it did soooo we have this! Don’t be like me lmao. Reader gets drugged at a party and you can fill in the blanks. Tbh I haven’t drank in so fucking long so if that part is inaccurate we can just ignore.
mid write update: I was like ‘oh I wasn’t triggered that bad’ and decided to finish the game which got 10 times worse and now I want to curl in a ball d*e so um anyway I hate this but if ppl like it I’ll do the second part like I was planning to.
abby x reader, reader is r*ped at a party, date r*pe drug, hurt/comfort, Slight weed usage mention, dr*gging, trauma
When you told Abby you were going to that party, she couldn’t help the sinking feeling in her chest. She dreaded it and wanted so badly to tell you to stay home. Thinking about it the whole day leading up to the party she wrestled to find a good reason for you not to go.
“It’s not that I don’t want you to go, but I just have a bad feeling. Please stay home with me, please.” Abby pleaded.
“I’ll be fine. I’ll have Ellie and Dina there with me.” You said. That didn’t do much to comfort Abby but your mind was made up.
“Is your phone fully charged along with your portable? Do you have your pepper spray and your taser?” She asked fervently.
“Yes to all of those things. I’ll be back in our bed safe and sound before you know it.” You said kissing her.
“Ellie and Dina are almost here, they’re picking me up. Are you gonna be okay?”
“Forget about me, I’m worried about you,” Abby muttered. You kissed her again and reassured her before walking out the door. Still, she felt unsettled and sat awake awaiting your return. She tried to calm her nerves, but nothing would do. You could do everything right and and still fall victim to the wrong person. The clock ticked on, 10, 11, 12, 1, 2 before Abby’s phone buzzed startling her. She anxiously responded, assuming the worst.
You had texted from the party, stumbling and your hands shaking. You had to strain to remember how you found yourself in a bed in one of the bedrooms that were on the second floor.
Her heart sunk into her chest, shattering like glass. She could kick herself. Abby wasted no time jumping in the car and speeding off to the party you left to. All the while you could barely follow the conversation as a bubble of panic started to form in your chest.
Her whole body shook as she voiced her texts into her phone microphone. She should have never let you go to that party, she chastised herself. Abby tried to push it down, knowing that you did indeed do everything quote unquote right. You frequented these parties and were familiar with all the people. You had your drink cover and an assortment of weapons. You were always with your friends. She could almost feel tears bubbling in her eyes from her worry about you, hoping that nothig actually happened and she was just thinking about the worst case scenario. She typed out another question, waiting for your answer.
She tried calling you to no avail. Your phone rang and rang but you lost your battle to sleep. She tried Ellie and Dina with unfortunately similar results, Texting them frantically asking where you were.Abby pulled into a spot on the side of the road and very anxiously ran up to the house, letting herself in.
Checking each and every room, Abby’s panic escalated. To her relief in the room at the very end of the hallway, you laid asleep in the big queen sized bed. She rushed in, slipping your phone in her pocket and sitting down next you.
“Hey baby, how are you doing? You scared me a bit.” She said, tucking your hair behind your ear. You awoke slowly and gave her a big smile.
“Abs!” You said,
“You’re here.”
“Did you doubt I would be?”
“Never. Not for a moment.” Your speech was still a bit slurred and there was still a pain in your thighs.
“C’mon, let’s go.” Abby said as picked you up and put you on your feet as if you weighed nothing.
“My strong girl,” you muttered. You gave Abby your things and she helped you back down the hall and out the door, both of you momentarily forgetting the implication of what actually happened to you. You were okay now, at least physically. She lifted you into the passenger seat of her car but when you sat down you couldn’t help but grimace.
“What’s up?” Abby asked.
“Just hurts.” Her heart sank again for what seemed like the millionth time that night.
“Can you show me where it hurts?” You put your hands on your upper thighs and into the space between your legs. Fuck. Shit. Fucking shit.
“You know what, let’s just get home and we can deal with that later ok.” Abby’s heart raced as she got into the drivers seat. She gave you some water she brought and your favorite kind of granola bar. As for you, your mind was just blank. You just stared out the window, not really thinking anything. Just silence echoing in your ears as you ate. In the years to come you would forget most of the details of the night, that morning feeling so far way. Abby tightened her grip on your hand and leaned over to kiss your forehead.
“I love you so fucking much. I can’t tell you how terrified I was that something had happened to you, that I had lost you somehow.” Abby whispered. Tears welled up in your eyes and you scrunched your face, turning away. You gripped Abby’s hand back and couldn’t help but just cry. You were so overwhelmed you didn’t know to feel just speechless, blank. She put her arm around you, pulling you in for a hug as you just all of a sudden felt your world crashing down. You cried and let out a particularly loud sob into her shoulder as she held onto you. Your phone rang, your ringtone cutting into the tense air.
You pulled away, wiped your tears and took a breath,
“Hey els.” Your voice still shook. Sounds of the party still blasted in the background,
“I just got your text and wanted to check up on you. Did Abby pick you up yet?”
“Yeah.” A pause.
“You sound off, what’s wrong?”
“I’m fine.” You lied, not wanting to explain everything the events of the night.
“No you’re not. What’s up?” Ellie asked more sternly.
“I’m good.” You said firmly.
“I just don’t want to talk about it right now. All you need to know is that I’m good.” Hesitating slightly, she agreed.
“Is Dina with you?” You asked.
“Yeah, yeah. She’s right here.” She said, Dina’s slurring voice echoing in the background.
“Okay, okay. I’ll call you tomorrow, all right?”
“Okay, get home safe!” The call ended and silence shot through the air. You looked at Abby again and neither of you said anything. For near the rest of the night, you both operated in silence. Abby drive you home, got you out of the car, you both went upstairs and started to get ready for bed. It wasn’t until you had to sit down on the toilet that it felt that all of a sudden your brain turned on again and pain flared through your inner thighs and crotch area. You let out a cry and just started to cry again with your pants still down around your ankles.
“Babe?” Abby said, immediately tending you you. Tears started flowing again and you let your body fall forward, hugging your knees. Abby extended her hand out gripping yours. You used her hand to pull yourself up so that you were standing half nude in front of her with your bruising on full display.
“I don’t…I don’t remember this. I obviously know it happened, but I just sat down to smoke a joint outside on the upstairs balcony and then I was groggy in the bed.” You said. The only thing you could focus on was the salty taste of your own tears that had wet your cheeks and Abby’s every tight grip on your hand. She let a few tears fly too, turning around to briefly wipe her face in attempt to stay strong for you.
“Okay. I appreciate you telling me baby. Is there anything else you want to tell me?” You nodded no in response and held your arms out toward her. She took you in her arms graciously, hugging you tight.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I can get you ice for the bruises and some water.”
“Jus’ want to go back to sleep.”
“Okay, ok.” Abby muttered, bringing you to bed. She put a pair of her own basketball shorts on you with ice packs tucked in the front in addition to your favorite hoodie of hers that you always stole. Your water bottle was sat on the night stand, filled with water and ice, ready for you. When everything was done Abby crawled next you in bed, wrapping her strong arms around you. You calmed for just a moment before muttering to yourself,
“He must have did it wrong.”
“What?”
“He must have did it wrong.” You said louder and clearer. There was a pause.
“Whoever did that to me must have drugged me. I took a shot right before I went up to go smoke which must have been where it happened considering I don’t remember anything after actually smoking. But something went wrong apparently because I was at most half asleep.”
“But you don’t remember the act?”
“No.” Abby swallowed thinking about that. It was probably better that you blocked out the event. The bruising patterns on your body told a clear story and her heart was absolutely broken thinking about what had to say next. It felt like she had cotton in her mouth, trying to to spit it out.
“So, for at least a moment we can’t dance around this. You were raped right?” Abby asked, sucking in a breath. You sighed.
“Yes. I can tell that much. It’s kind of coming back to me.
“Okay.” Abby said carefully.
“How would you feel about getting a rape kit done? You don’t have to, but I think it would be a good idea so that you have all that information should you decide to say something in the future.”
“Only if you come with me.” You said in a low voice, cuddling your body into hers and your face into her neck. Abby’s heart hurt as she said,
“Of course. Of course. We’ll go first thing in the morning.”
“Okay, Abs.” You took another deep breath and let your fatigue take over, lulling you to sleep.
I still find myself crying at the realisation that everything that happened was real years later. I spend so much of my time minimising and gaslighting myself. It was real but it'd be easier if it wasn't.
I sometimes just want to have my vagina removed out of fear of getting raped again.
It's a fear I constantly have and just want my female body parts removed so they have nothing to violate. They cannot forcibly impregnate me in this garbage country we call America
