Lets play a game, Lets play Murder!!!

[unclefather]

cashier: I’m sorry it’s going to be a 5 minute wait for your food

old people: let me speak to your manager. This never would have happened in my day. And yet you all want the minimum wage raised. I’m going to kill you.

cashier: I’m sorry it’s going to be a 5 minute wait for your food

millennials: okay, my apologies. I apologize for the inconvenience. I’m sorry I’m here.

[chasing-asterion]

me, walking into a store: are you guys busy? i can come back later. please don’t push yourselves on my account. things happen

[heatherleigh02-deactivated20230]

Had a baby boomer in front of me at the Dairy Queen. She INSISTED she was a Blizzard EXPERT and there was simply NOT ENOUGH chocolate pieces in her blizzard and she wanted to complain to “whoever is in charge”. She’s going on and on with this teenager. The teenager is calmly explaining they make them all the same etc etc procedure etc etc. But this woman is now yelling at the teen.

So I walk past the woman and put money in teen’s tip jar. Haven’t even gotten ice cream yet.

Woman looks at me. Turns back and yells some more with the teen. I put more money in the tip jar.

The teen smiles at me. The woman can’t think of what to say to me and stops yelling, because I’m looking at her dead in the eye like “atm is over there, I can go all night. The more you yell at her, the more money she makes.”

[aplatonicjacuzzi]

Aggressive generosity to combat boomer selfishness is so punk

[raptoradapter]

Weaponize compassion

[coldmackerel-deactivated2023110]

me as a lawyer

[reginasphalanges]

[fallontonight]

Tumblr Mad Lib

Fill this out with your friends, and then perform your own version of the scene Jimmy did with Benedict Cumberbatch!

1. Male Name 2. Name of your favorite teacher 3. Exclamation 4. Number 5. Plural Objects 6. Store Name 7. Body Part 8. Silly Word 9. Name of Holiday 6. Celebrity Name 7. Movie Title 8. Verb Ending in -Ing 9. Amount of Distance 10. Country 11. Object 12. Occupation 13. Animal 14. Famous Movie Quote 15. Body Part 16. Children’s Song 17. Adjective

DETECTIVE: Hello. I’m Detective [Male Name]. And, you are… SUSPECT: [Name of your favorite teacher]   DETECTIVE: You are here today under suspicion of second degree robbery. SUSPECT: [Exclamation]!   DETECTIVE That’s right. [Number] [Plural Objects] were stolen from [Store Name] and the crime scene has your [Body Part] written ALL over it. SUSPECT: That is [Silly Word]. DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of [Name of Holiday]? SUSPECT: I was with [Celebrity Name]. We were watching the movie [Movie Title]. DETECTIVE: Then why does security camera footage show you [Verb Ending in -Ing] just [Amount of Distance] away from the crime scene? SUSPECT: That’s a coincidence. DETECTIVE: Alright, I’m through playing games. Where are you from?SUSPECT: [Country]. DETECTIVE: What did your parents do for a living? SUSPECT: My father was a [Object] salesman and my mother was a [Occupation]. DETECTIVE: Did they teach you to steal? SUSPECT: No. I told you didn’t do it! DETECTIVE: That’s enough! One of the best parts about being a detective is that I get to lock up criminals like you, and go home to my children and my pet [Animal] and say, [Famous Movie Quote]. SUSPECT: Fine, I did it. I committed the robbery. But I only did it because I needed the money to buy myself [Body Part] implants. DETECTIVE: I knew it all along. And every time I solve a crime, I sing my favorite song, [Children’s Song] (sing song) SUSPECT: You have a [Adjective] voice. (BEAT)

And scene!

[micdotcom]

Watch: John Cena continues, “So, let’s try this one more time. Close your eyes.” 

[thatsthat24]

I wanna hug him. This was beautiful.

[coldmackerel-deactivated2023110]

me as a lawyer

[imthehuman]

[did-you-know]

LifeStraw makes contaminated water safe to drink. Without using batteries or chemicals, it removes 99.9% of parasites, 99.9999% of viruses, and provides one person an entire year’s worth of drinking water for about $20. 

900 million people in the world are without access to safe drinking water every year.

Source

[gregorycddie]

sorry but that was perfect

[thorvaenn]

i still had the files open when i reALIZED

[brandonrouth]

TOM CRUISE: “A funny thing happened when we were shooting in Dubai. I can’t even describe the Renner Stretch. He’s got a copyright on the Renner Stretch. I laughed so hard when he did it for me. I said this has gotta go in this movie. I said you gotta show [director Brad] Bird. You gotta show Bird! It’s gotta go in right before this tunnel sequence we do. So it’s in the movie. I don’t think I could do the Renner Stretch justice, but he’s an actor who’s not afraid to do that and go there.” [x]

[dailymarvel]

[run-with-the-fandoms]

Honestly, as much as I love the idea of Clintasha and as hard as I ship Clint and Natasha, I loved seeing this side of Clint. A domestic side, a different part of him that you don’t see when he’s with the team. I loved seeing the dynamic he would bring into a family. And of course I love seeing the little shit smile like that.

[cptnstevens]

Celebrity Photobombs with Chris Evans and Chris Pratt. [x]

[1forall0allfor1-deactivated2017]

Memes for Meme Monday

Feel free to post any or all of these when the captain’s Meme Monday starts. I will most likely be at work and unable to post. :)

Hi Tiff @smoakingbabbles, Happy Holidays! <3

[dailydccu]

[meladoodle]

my granddad just called me to tell me how big his cauliflowers are growing and it was so cute theyre “TWICE as big as the ones you get in the shop”

[meladoodle]

[meladoodle]

i told my granddad this post has 3,500 notes and he said ‘who are they? do i know them?’ he wanted me to list everyone and see if he knew anyone

[auburngal]

If you don’t reblog cauliflower granddad, then you’re just a mean person.

[growthandsecrets]

The joy in his smile

[bettedavisgf]

*university voice* unfortunately… we have too much money… so we have to raise tuition so we can build a place to keep all the other money in… so sorry unavoidable