Sheriff Baby and the Bedtime Bandits
A short story written with a partner for a class contest.
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The job of Sheriff is never easy in a town like Sunshine. Folks act like just because they’re out west now that they don’t have to follow even the most basic of laws. Thankfully, we’ve been blessed with Sheriff Baby, the cleanest law enforcement officer this side of the Mississippi and the strongest moral pillar this town has to lean on. That being said, Sheriff Baby’s job isn’t always easy on him, crime in the town is stiff especially after light’s out, I should know, I’m his deputy. Now we take our jobs extremely seriously, and when Old Man Jenkins comes hooting and hollering out of his house in his jammies bright and early I look Sheriff Baby dead in the eyes and we both know what’s happened.
I get up out of my old wooden chair on the porch of the Sheriff’s Office, lifting Sheriff Baby from his spot in the slightly shorter chair next to mine. As Old Man Jenkins reaches the porch I invite him inside, the sheriff taking the lead, toddling over to his desk and handing me a crayon to jot down the gist of what the old man says. I hold my spot by the door until Old Man Jenkins gets himself situated, then I make my way to the sheriff’s side. The old man starts squealing faster than any wild boar I’ve ever heard before the sheriff could start to scrutinize his story. He gives us more information than I can write down and Sheriff Baby has to cut him off once his recollection turns into blathering on about how this was making him miss the breakfast his wife is cooking for him back home. Lucky for us, though rather unlucky for the townsfolk, we’ve heard stories like this before and don’t need more than the basics to plug into our other cases. A house robbed blind in the night, bandits leaving no trace behind them. It’s the third time this week. Once the sheriff gets him settled we send him on his merry way with a promise to talk more after Mayor Nancy’s declaration later today. She says she has a plan to curtail this crime spree, and if she does Sheriff Baby and I are all ears.
After a nice breakfast, Sheriff Baby and I mosey on out to the town square. Half of the townsfolk are already sitting criss-cross-applesauce in curvilinear lines on the rug, on the side of the masses closest to town hall stands Mayor Nancy’s announcement chair, bright blue and empty. We find an open spot in the front row since the sheriff is too short to see over most of the townsfolk. He’s still nursing his flask of milk when Mayor Nancy arrives and claps to get the town’s attention. We clap back and the meeting begins.
“Hello, friends! Are we all ready for the meeting?” Nancy greets the crowd, it’s rhetorical but a few people still holler in affirmation. “Wonderful! Now, everybody, I know some really scary things have happened recently but I need you to have on your best listening ears so we can all work together to help fix the problems. Ok? Let’s put on our listening ears!” The townsfolk mime putting on their listening ears and zipping their lips in unison with the mayor, we’re on the edges of our seats waiting for the big news. “In order to make sure every single one of you is nice and safe from all the big scary bandits that are running around at night I’m going to make sure each and every one of you is all cozied up in bed by 8 pm. Alright, friends?”
The crowd erupts in a chorus of mhms. This is not the solution the sheriff and I were looking for. Sheriff Baby mutters something rude and goes to stand up, but I set my hand gently on his shoulder to tell him that this is not the time, our lips are still zipped. Mayor Nancy is pleased with this response and cues the townsfolk to remove our listening ears and unzip our lips. We’re all eager to go about our days.
When we get back to the office Sheriff Baby slams his now empty milk flask down on his desk with anger.
“This is nonsense!” the sheriff shouts and begins toddling back and forth across the room. He can be a bit intimidating when he gets all riled up like this. “Who does she think she is giving us all a bedtime? I don’t need a bedtime. What if a crime happens at 8:01? Does she want me to just let it happen?”
“Sheriff, it’s alright,” I hum, trying to calm him down.
“No. It’s not!” he says as his eye tears up
I scoop up Sheriff Baby and walk over to the old rocking chair in the corner and rock him to sleep. He didn’t get a lot of shut-eye last night because he was worried about the robberies. The stress had been making him a little cranky.
The next morning we were awoken by a cacophony of shouts and screams from the townsfolk. I lift Sheriff Baby from his crib and hustle out the door and into the chaos of the streets. Jeff, Kelly, and Stewart had gotten robbed blind last night and judging by the cries to get the sheriff something big had developed. While we walked through the crowd people were hooting and hollering everywhere and Mayor Nancy was nowhere to be seen. Soon enough, the sheriff and I found a bandit tied to the leg of Dusty Mike’s apple juice still. I set Sheriff Baby on the ground and he toddled angrily toward the bandit, ripping the bandana off his face. His devilishly charming smirk lights up the block causing Kelly to swoon a little making Jeff elbow her in the side, not a good time Kelly. But the sheriff isn’t bothered, he yanks his elite maverick rev-6 revolver from his belt and holds it toward the criminal, the black tips of the neon orange darts glaring out the front.
“Who are you and who do you work for?” the sheriff demands.
“I ain’t tellin’ you nothin!” he cries and hucks a hunk of bubblegum towards the sheriff. Gross.
“Didn’t your mama teach you manners?” the sheriff cocks his blaster and holds it out again. “I’m going to ask you again, who are you and who do you work for?”
“Ah, I didn’t mean you no trouble, Mr. Sheriff Baby sir. My name’s Warren but they all call me No Teeth.”
“Who’s they?” the sheriff demands.
“Seth! It’s Seth and the Bedtime Bandits! Now stop pointin’ that thing at me.” Apparently old No Teeth also has no spine.
“OK! You’re free to go. Would you like a ride home?” Sheriff Baby chimes, pleased with the information he’s gathered.
“Why you are so kind, mister! Yes in fact I do.”
I use my safety scissors to cut through No Teeth’s bonds as I introduce myself. The sheriff leads us over to the Little Tikes Cozy Coupe and he spills more beans about these Bedtime Bandits. I walk to the right side of the vehicle and help Sheriff Baby into his buggy-seat, then No Teeth and I pile in clown-car style. I hustle as fast as my legs will take us while No Teeth give me directions and soon enough we’re at the Bedtime Bandits’ lair.
“Well here it is, thanks for the ride fellas! Y’all want to come on in and have a glass of root beer? Seth’ll fix it up for us,” No Teeth offers as he climbs out of the cozy coupe.
“Sure thing. Teddy, unbuckle me please.”
“Will do, sheriff.”
We follow No Teeth up to the front of the house where two more bandits are stacking blocks of gold into little castles. So that’s where the money from the bank went. When they notice us the sheriff offers a friendly wave and I give them each a thumbs up and a smile. No Teeth introduces them as Eagle and Cobra and they tell us Seth’s gone to the general store the next town over and he’ll be back soon. The bandits invite us inside and I help them turn on the Wii. We’re in the middle of a very heated doubles tennis match—Sheriff Baby and I versus Eagle and No Teeth with Cobra as ref—when a tall man comes through the door with many sacks of yams in his hands.
“What in tarnation are y’all doin’?” the man booms angrily.
“Seth, we’re sorry! I know we’re not supposed to use the Wii when you’re not here but Deputy Teddy is here and he’s old enough to watch us.”
“Well, at least y’all had supervision,” he shrugs, “You boys want me to wrassle up something to drink?”
The sheriff and I nod along with the bandits and Seth heads to the kitchen and sets the bags down on the counter. He’s getting a bottle of root beer out of the icebox when he freezes in his tracks.
“You numbskulls! That there’s the sheriff!” he’s pointing toward the sheriff and I.
“Oh yeah! I met ‘im when he was arrestin’ me back in town. That dusty man caught me tryin’a steal ‘is apple juice.” No teeth, no spine, and no brain. Impressive.
“And so you brought them here?”
“Well yeah, they offered me a ride home—-oh no.”
The Sheriff and I already have our blasters ready, and lucky for us Seth hung his mega mastodon by the door when he walked in. The bandits cower and throw their hands in the air and Seth rolls his eyes at his crew before he tries to make a run for the blaster. A stern look from Sheriff Baby quickly puts an end to it. The sheriff approaches Seth, blaster at the ready, and before he can even open his mouth for an interrogation Seth breaks.
“It’s not my fault, Nancy made me do it!” he cries, tears rolling down his cheeks.
“Nancy? Do you really think I’m foolish enough to believe that?”
“Yeah, ‘cause it’s true! She promised she’d get us in earlier last night and she did.”
The sheriff looks me dead in the eyes and nods gravely. We bolt to the cozy coupe and I buckle in the sheriff as fast as I can. We holler a fast thanks to the Bedtime Bandits and I speed off as fast as I can.
When we get back to town Mayor Nancy is holding another town meeting. The townsfolk are already sitting quietly on the rug while Nancy speaks. The perfect opportunity for the two of us. The sheriff and I hustle to Nancy’s sides, and I set my hand on her shoulder as if in support. The sheriff and I gently guide her hands behind her back and he places the cuffs on warily and attaches them to the chair. Nancy is still trying to talk to the town but we’re not listening to what she’s saying.
“I should’ve known you were behind this you bedtime setting snake,” Sheriff Baby mutters to her.
She didn’t have us zip our lips this time so there’s nothing she can do aside from sitting there cuffed to her chair while the sheriff explains what had taken place over the last few days. How the Mayor had given us a reason to set a bedtime by encouraging the Bedtime Bandits to commit crimes in the night, and how that bedtime was put in place so the bandits would have more time to steal—and a larger cut to give Nancy. We order Nancy to tell the crowd to unzip their lips and take off their listening ears before we drag her to the slammer. The Mayor wasn’t built for interrogation and confessed to her crimes while professing how proud she was that Sheriff Baby had solved the case so quickly.
At the end of the day, the sun sets on Sunshine, asleep safe and sound at last.