Sasha

[sashapeace]

Feeling Frustrated About the Past

I'm trying not to be in a victim mindset this morning. But fuck my old boss, fuck my old co-worker, and fuck my old boss' supervisor. I watched a video on Facebook this morning that I should have skimmed, which discussed how managers sometimes use a performance improvement plan to create a paper trail when they want to fire someone or get them to quit. It took me a really long time to get out of a toxic work environment. I left that job back in January of 2022, and it's been three years (almost four), and I'm still angry.

Technically, I watched karma come back on those people. And I shouldn't even be mad because I'm doing all the things I wanted to do. I'm going back to school, and I'm closer to making a career change. I literally have everything that I want.

I fucked up at that job, but I was also being bullied. When am I going to let this shit go? I can't change this shit. It's done.

But fuck that lady, and those fucked up dudes. Fuck toxic working environments. Fuck people who take their personal lives shit to work and hurt people in the process.

[sashapeace]

I feel frustrated

I survived a toxic working environment a few years ago, and last week some of those people who I used to work with wanted to do a meet and greet with the department that I work in now. I had a presentation at the same time as the meet and greet, so I didn't go. Then yesterday I received an email from two of their new staff members asking if we wanted to co-create on an event. I kindly stated that I was tapped out, and would not be able to help out.

October is a busy month for all of us. I'm on a search committee, I'm planning a large scale event, and I have a bunch of shit going on in October. I know that I should be over all of this shit, but I still get upset.

I saw my old boss in the parking lot at the grocery store. She purposefully stayed in her car, until I got in my vehicle and proceeded to drive away. That dusty bitch made my life hell, and I don't want to help out her department. Fuck that bitch.

[sashapeace]

My Ex Emailed Me

I was in a long-distance relationship a few years ago that didn't end well. Last year, in 2024, he emailed me out of the blue, but I was in a relationship at the time, and I didn't reply back. Two weeks ago, he sent me an email asking how I was doing, and I didn't respond. Last Saturday, he reached out again twice saying okay, and mentioned that I'm amazing.

I didn't respond because I didn't want to say anything negative back. He told me that we only get so many people who come into our lives, and we have to be responsible for how we treat them. I just felt like if I responded to him, then there might still be an unhealed part of me who needed validation or support. The man I dated after him made me feel special, through actions and time spent together.

When I broke up with my ex the second time, he ghosted me, and his life was going through a different path as a single father co-parenting a child with a difficult woman. I don't wish any bad on him. I just didn't want to say anything harsh.

[sashapeace]

I've been into listening to shamanic music to shift the energy in my home and office.

[sashapeace]

I heard this song randomly on a reel. Childish Gambino x Foxy Brown's "Feel Like Home" is a cool mashup of "Feels Like Summer" and "Gotta Get You Home".

[sashapeace]

I'm tired

I'm tired of working for someone who's shady as fuck. I'm tired of my boss being mentored by a shady fucking bitch who fucked me over for years. I'm tired of my fucking root chakra snapping because I can feel shady fucked up things happening.

I'm tired of feeling like I want to cry every day because my ex broke up with me and isn't coming back. I'm hurting because it's a new chapter and some shit isn't coming back. My parents are getting older, my favorite aunt is getting older. Time just keeps passing.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm getting passed up. I should have been a slut when I was younger. My ex just needs a slut or someone who's been hurt in the same ways.

I'm tired of falling in love with broken men with mommy issues. I wish I could find a nice healed person or maybe someone who's willing to do the work.

I'm tired of not having an office to go to. I'm almost 40. I don't want to share a fucking office. I'm tired of being lied to. Make it make sense. I don't fucking want to meet with my supervisor. You don't know what your fucking doing.

[sashapeace]

Yeah

I'm feeling weird. I feel like I'm making things difficult. I've been applying for jobs trying to get out of my current city because I just need a better dating pool. I miss my ex a little less, but I know that person isn't coming back. He's probably getting orgasms from some other bitch by now.

I keep smelling a baby, and the last time that happened my other ex got another girl pregnant. I just need to calm down.

The building where I work feels weird. It just feels like some dark energy is still there since the protests. But my sensitive ass is trying to do all the energy clearing. I feel like my boss has the same energy my old boss had, and I just need to leave my fucking job. Don't get me wrong I love my job, but I need a change. Complaining isn't the way, I just don't want any weird energy latching onto me.

My boss isn't bad. He's just a little shady, and I feel like I can't trust him. But maybe he is a little shady, and I shouldn't hold a grudge and just accept people for who they are. I'm just not going to be running myself ragged to please other people.

And I shouldn't care if my ex gets another person pregnant. It just feels weird.

[sashapeace]

"Everything" by Kehlani is such a mellow song.

[sashapeace]

I miss my ex

I miss my ex and that's normal. I've been on a few dates, but maybe I haven't been as open to them because I still have him in my mind. It's been nice having time to get my life together and solo time on the weekends to go to the gym and get back into taking care of myself.

I've been looking into jobs, and am open to the possibility of relocating. But I still miss him. I miss his smile and showing up to my door with gentleness. I miss having meals together and spending time with his family. I've been thinking about his Dad alot, and I hope he's okay.

But I haven't been texting, calling, or visiting his house, and all of these things feel healthy. I want what wants me, and he choose to end things so I have to give him space.

But I think about him a lot and want good things for him.

[sashapeace]

I discovered this song today, when I was looking at a facebook real. This is "Orange Blossoms" by Goldford. It's groovy and sultry, like a sunset.

[sashapeace]

"It’s good for you to cry. You’ve got to remember, you were born crying. It’s your first form of communication. You’re squeezing anything you can’t hold inside you anymore out of your eyeballs." - Tiffany Haddish

[sashapeace]

People have to grow through skillful frustrations, otherwise they have no incentive to develop their own means and ways of coping with the world. - Bruce Lee

[sashapeace]

Andre 3000 made a flute album called "New Blue Sun", and I'm in love. Nothing but vibes and transformation over here.

[sashapeace]

Tired and Thinking

I woke up feeling a little tired this morning, and instead of going back to sleep, I started watching a little of Denzel Washington's "Equalizer 2". Last night, I dreamed I was in a boho tent/space with tons of sound-healing instruments. I was looking for a hand drum (indigenous kind) but couldn't find one. I did end up playing this longhorn that could sit on the ground, but the horn had strings at the bottom, similar to a guitar. Instead of blowing into the horn, you could hit the strings with a mallet, yet still sound like a horn.

I took the dream as a sign to purchase more sound healing instruments and continue on the journey. I lead my first 30-minute sound bath for students this past spring, and a few for staff members during the summertime. I think the more practice the better.

Things in life can be difficult to know. I've been thinking about going back to school. I took a psychology class over the summertime, and it was good to have something to focus on after the breakup.

I started dating someone new, and I just want to enjoy things, while still staying true to myself and my goals. But it's been nice to have someone new to spend time with. I guess I forgot how fun dating could be. My friend told me to get comfortable, so I've been trying to find comfort in being myself around someone who is interested in me.

[sashapeace]

Today is a new day. I refuse to compare my life situation to anyone else's. I will honor my journey by finding peace, joy, and contentment where I am right now. -Fleur De Lis Speaks

[sashapeace]

Celebration of Life

My dear friend's mother passed away last weekend, and today they had a celebration of life for her. I haven't ugly cried in a long time, you know the cry where you can't catch your breadth. I felt bad for crying because I know my friend and her brothers are going through so much pain.

I also felt very supported. There was so much love around her mother, and she touched so many lives. I hadn't seen my friend in many years, and it was so nice to be around her. At one point I was crying, and this person put their head on top of mine, and rested their hand on my shoulder. I didn't know the person, but they recognized that I was hurting, and I felt so seen and held in kindness. The person asked if I was ok, and I told them yes, and thank you.

Kindness and love are so important. My friend has picked me off of the floor so many times in my life. She's helped me when I thought my life was over. She's carried me through falled relationships, and difficult work situations. She's been through more hardships in her life, and she's still shown so much grace and empathy toward me.

I love my friend, and I feel sad that her mom died.

[sashapeace]

Emotions

So this guy that my Dad works with reached out to me about dating him. My Dad told this guy not to reach out to me, but after my dad told him where I worked, he googled me and found my work email and reach out.

And he's been eager to talk to me, and I'm always a little nervous when people are really excited to meet me. He knows way more information about me than I know about him, and it makes me feel a little weird. This morning he left me a voice memo stating that he was an active fisherman and loves being around water and that my Dad mentioned that my ex also liked to fish and that my Dad "didn't speak highly" of my ex. Which literally sent me into a puddle of tears.

Obviously, no one is going to like someone who broke their kid's heart. But I went through a lot of turmoil in my relationship because my mother didn't like that I got back with my partner. It's water under the bridge now because we're broken up. But in the future, I want to care less about what my parents think. Carrying about what my mother thinks and her programming has kept me single. And granted I choose to live up to those standards, but my Mom isn't in her mid-thirties and single.

I just didn't even want to be talking about my ex with a stranger, and the idea of my father sharing this info with someone I don't know hurts. Then that guy knowing he messed up, reached out to my Dad, and my Dad reached out to me later.

I'm still in my feelings. I'm still going to date. But I'm not going to be persuaded to be in a relationship with anyone. And I don't want to be mean to this guy he seems nice. I just don't need a 24/7 text pal.

I know I need to move on, and I am doing better about getting duped.