I have been going on an very intense journey of self discovery much like the Native Americans this weekend to figure out what makes me tick and I’ve been very sleep deprived and crying and doing extremely intense thinking about what I want out of my life. Here’s a random highlight of the wild places my brain and body have been taking me. I’m forcing myself tj be sleep deprived and I made a lot of high calorie healthy smoothies and forcing as many calories in me to destroy this idea that I can’t be healthy, limber and fat at the same time because you’re going to get fat training for muscle, and not worry if I am looking fat or not. Just train my body and mind I’m segments like the Ninja Turtles. But it’s been rough and I’ve broken down and cried so many times and found ways to keep going and make plans and pushing past this stupid mental barrier. I want to live up to that message my shirt. I don’t want to be trapped by any limits anymore. I want to be a damsel in success, like Princess Peach. I can feel all the physical changes I’m making. With being able to get food down so I wanted to take this weekend to explore and unpack a lot of stuff and just keep forcing and pushing my stomachs limits while seeing how I get inspired and get a drive and it really has helped so far and one of my biggest fears is that old adage that being fat isn’t healthy. But it is. And if you’re going. To train your body for muscle, you’re going to get fat. So I need to shatter that mental block that it’s bad and just worry about how I feel mentally and physically and not worry about the look and go for the physical strength I need and discipline my insides. So I’ve made it my goal to gain some fat quick to tell myself it’s okay. I am still working on the calories in the list and there will be more tomorrow and I’ve been stretching and doing squats and light workouts this whole time. So I’m doing it as healthily has possible. Like I need to do this and train like this for my own good and health. So I started at 250.8 just a few days ago and working very hard to work on loving my body and getting used to gaining weight and it’s been extremely hard work feeling bloated all the time and like you’re unattractive, but you’re actually not. You’re beautiful and healthy because you know what you’re putting into your body to train and become stronger and need to do this and gain weight as part of my training.
I want to live like a true member of the Hamato clan and someone that would make Jason David Frank proud. My life has been pretty shitty but I’m glad I’m still here. I want to expand on my tattoos as I’m training my body and mind to be a better person. Ive already somewhat started and I was getting a better aspect when I was psychoanalyzing character development in TMNT 3: Turtles in Time movie for hours and I have a raw video of the whole Snapchat story of my day I can upload somewhere that’s 8 minutes long. But yeah here’s the last bit as a taste of what I was doing and having fun with it.
I’m starting with Michelangelo qualities of maturing and taking in more responsibilities but still having time for fun and nunchuck practice. Plus I want to still be quick, limber and lithe and quick with a joke, so he’s always been my favorite and relate to him a lot in his different iterations.
I’ve been practicing changing different positions with them stretching and feels really good to do good fluid movement stretching and then gets your arms tired from pulling so hard in different positions.
But my next is Raphael to work on slowing down and taking time to relax and not be so quick to anger and deal with my body issues because Raphael’s pure essence is generally fueled by hate, rage, sarcasm, and those things suck for mental health sometimes. Just like Sensei says, “Anger clouds the mind and when turned inward becomes and unconquerable enemy.” So I’ve got great insight for my Michelangelo discipline, and now need that work towards my Raphael discipline this year with getting in touch with my body now that I’ve gotten in tune with my spirit. Much of Raphael’s fighting style isn’t about using his weapons, but more the way he moves his body and uses the environment. This body phase is definitely the toughest and roughest challenge yet to overcome.
