Oh ok.

Are you too posh to dunk?

[sassy-botanist]

Stand away, fellow, from my diagram!

- Archimedes

[prokopetz]

Based on a survey of Tumblr users’ professed career ambitions, I’ve concluded that our ideal occupations are:

writer

lighthouse keeper

specialty bookstore clerk

patent examiner

ornamental hermit

surveillance drone operator

hunter-gatherer

sign painter

web designer circa 1996

that wild-eyed guy with the unplaceable Eastern European accent who greets the protagonist when they set foot aboard the ostensibly abandoned undersea research facility and/or space station

[whitepeopletwitter]

[ityaboyguzma]

Malcolm in the Midden

[animatedtext]

[cat-quest]

[khayyr]

i came. i saw. i left early

[ambientwitch]

gym class was about getting so good at not being noticed that you were always the last one left on your team during dodgeball and everyone was begging you to throw balls at people but you simply could not and did not want to throw balls at people

[lesbiabraxas]

Congratulations! Looks like you found yerself a gem. You can keep that gem for your collection, and try for the legeendary crown a’ wonder, or I can buy it from you if you like. Lemme seee what I can offer

[omilove]

Omg I can HEAR his vOICE

[illegalaustralien]

I want a service that’s like “hey remember this?” and then shows something that sucker punches you with nostalgia from the deepest, darkest recesses of your mind

[illegalaustralien]

Alternatively, it just shows you a cartoon you used to watch as a kid and its name has been on the tip of your tongue for the last 3 years

[illegalaustralien]

Never mind, I remember it now

[wheresanegg-blog]

old iOS looks like how dj got us fallin’ in love by usher sounds

[renegalien-deactivated20210515]

i literally hate language, i hate that you can just say shit like this and it actually makes sense

[diarygirls]

going to a movie theater with a friend is like absolutely my idea of the best time ever. the movie does not matter literally all that matters is sitting next to a loved one in a dark room and watching trailers and sharing a popcorn.

[diarygirls]

[danielkanhai]

i was just walking home from the subway in the rain and i saw a dog walking down the sidewalk alone wearing a sweater. now, i’ve seen dogs walking down sidewalks alone not wearing sweaters and i’ve seen dogs walking down sidewalks on leashes wearing sweaters and i gotta say, once you remove the human element from the equation, the dog looks like it dressed itself. like a decision was made by a dog. it just looks like a dog going somewhere in a world where dogs are highly intelligent and have appointments they need to get dressed up for. i couldn’t make eye contact with this dog, it was intimidating in its confidence. 

[globalhypnosis-deactivated20181]

[sharkpunks]

Pointing to what I want on my five dollar footlong

[gordon-pint]

Fun story I had a customer come in at my college subway location at about 2am on a saturday, it was a 20 something year old student high as balls (naturally). This kid wasn’t just high, he was off his ass, he was higher than snoop on April 20th, his eyes were clamshells. I asked him what he wanted and I could see the gears turning in his head but he absolutely couldn’t get anything out. This guy was too high to talk, and I’m surprised he even made it down the street to our store. Obviously I’ve been here before so no problem, I tell the dude I’ve got this and to just point at what he wants, and he commences to just go down the line pointing at the bread and meats and veggies like this damn reaper, leading me on the biggest game of hot and cold I’ve ever played. In the end his sandwich racked up like 15 dollars in extra charges but I think we gave it to him for free. There is no moral to this story.

[valtsv]

*levitating 6 inches off the ground* mom told me to tell you that dinner's ready

[that-rooster]

*turning my head around 180°* what’d she make

[toastpotent-deactivated20250619]

from what i can tell bartending is like the adult version of making potions from random things you find in your house/backyard

[gunsandfireandshit]

Potion of make you fall down

[blairwitchh]

the blair witch isn’t mean, like imagine a group of film majors showing up to ur house with a camera and screaming at u