it finally hit me. i haven't seen my family in 7 years, i have NO money, my career isn't taking off as expected. only thing I got left is my health and i thank God for that everyday. But, really, what's life right now? I look into my future and it's this black hole of incognito. I don't know what to expect. It could be a fairy tale and end up amazing, or it can be simply a story of horror and failure. my ego gets in the way. all those years of sacrifice both from me and my family to get me the best education and preparation to be... broke? no fucking way. it makes me mad, frustrated, it makes me so angry. If i had stuck to a road i knew that lacked happiness, id have money to buy my comfort... just enough. but i wouldn't be happy. is happiness that valuable? enough to sacrifice my physical comfort? what is my true passion even? i love writing, being honest. I love dressing up, looking pretty. I love being funny, got the teeth for that. I wish i loved music like the people that haven't learned all nooks and crannies of it. see, i was forced into studying every part of it. left no room for magic. i wish music was still a mystery to me. mystery and magic go together. for some reason every time i get too close to something i lose its magic. i crave the mystery. i fall in love with the mystery of everything. as soon as i start diggin', i'm over it. where's my confidence? true confidence only comes when nobody's watching. in days like these it only counts if everyone's watching. i feel so lost and...time is ticking. it's very hard for me to accept mediocrity; it's equal to failure for me. in times like these i find myself flirting with the idea of mediocrity and i hate it. i'm trying to figure out what i'm doing wrong. it's always me. did i burn too many bridges? but i was following my heart and my heart told me to burn them. did i care too much? maybe not enough? i think success comes packaged with my freedom. my real freedom, of being my self and not giving a fuck about what anybody thinks. i just care too much. i care too much about making my family proud. they've built a reputation from scratch. i think my success would absolutely break it. a-ha. there it is. that's what i'm afraid of. im not a saint, im not so clean. imma have to go hard in showing the dark side of me and us.