saturnpearl

[saturnpearl]

Whispers & Scrolls

I haven't written in so long that looking back at those times feels like an evanescing echo. I'm starting to question the facts because how did I lose the one thing that's truly mine and that I've loved so very much? It's my safe space, my sanity, my passion, my depth, my spirituality, my presence, my mindfulness.

It's like I've forgotten how to spell. No, it's worse. It's like staring at a blank page in fear to even cogitate a thought, let alone ink it in. I've neglected my poetry for scrolls and instead of looking within, I'm looking at screens. A little voice inside whispers;

"Go find the silence, go swim in the stillness of a good story."

Yet my finger keeps scrolling...

Scrolling...

Scrolling for hours....

Scrolling through years...

But I won't scroll my life away.

I'll just listen to the whispers.

[saturnpearl]

words and actions

it annoys me deeply when the words don't fit with the actions. at that point, words become lies. a discrepancy. don't blame it on the high. words are solid concrete and you stand by them with your actions.

that of which you speak of the most: it's not who you are, it's who you want to be.

less talking, more actions. BE.

[saturnpearl]

spiraling

it finally hit me. i haven't seen my family in 7 years, i have NO money, my career isn't taking off as expected. only thing I got left is my health and i thank God for that everyday. But, really, what's life right now? I look into my future and it's this black hole of incognito. I don't know what to expect. It could be a fairy tale and end up amazing, or it can be simply a story of horror and failure. my ego gets in the way. all those years of sacrifice both from me and my family to get me the best education and preparation to be... broke? no fucking way. it makes me mad, frustrated, it makes me so angry. If i had stuck to a road i knew that lacked happiness, id have money to buy my comfort... just enough. but i wouldn't be happy. is happiness that valuable? enough to sacrifice my physical comfort? what is my true passion even? i love writing, being honest. I love dressing up, looking pretty. I love being funny, got the teeth for that. I wish i loved music like the people that haven't learned all nooks and crannies of it. see, i was forced into studying every part of it. left no room for magic. i wish music was still a mystery to me. mystery and magic go together. for some reason every time i get too close to something i lose its magic. i crave the mystery. i fall in love with the mystery of everything. as soon as i start diggin', i'm over it. where's my confidence? true confidence only comes when nobody's watching. in days like these it only counts if everyone's watching. i feel so lost and...time is ticking. it's very hard for me to accept mediocrity; it's equal to failure for me. in times like these i find myself flirting with the idea of mediocrity and i hate it. i'm trying to figure out what i'm doing wrong. it's always me. did i burn too many bridges? but i was following my heart and my heart told me to burn them. did i care too much? maybe not enough? i think success comes packaged with my freedom. my real freedom, of being my self and not giving a fuck about what anybody thinks. i just care too much. i care too much about making my family proud. they've built a reputation from scratch. i think my success would absolutely break it. a-ha. there it is. that's what i'm afraid of. im not a saint, im not so clean. imma have to go hard in showing the dark side of me and us.

im sorry, i have to do this.

but the house i'll buy for you will make you forget it.

[saturnpearl]

I cried

I cried in the shower today... because my liquid soap ended.

I cried... because just like the soap, my time seems to also be ending.

I cried...because all the stuff i need seem to be ending right in front of me.

rent is due too and i dont know how im gonna pay it. that reminded me once again that time could be ending. all parts of me, all my trails... are suddenly fading. my hourglass down to the last drop of sand.

and then he started watching the same show we watched when it was all beginning. i cried... because it seems that a cycle is ending.

i hope this ending brings a new beginning. a fruitfull one. one that gives me the freedom i been craving.

[saturnpearl]

"leave me alone"

I want to curl up in my cocoon and only emerge as a butterfly. Until then my thoughts repeat "leave me alone, leave me alone" but the more i say it, the more people show up around me and i push them away, quite easily, almost professionally. "leave me alone" it's all too much to take right now. "leave me alone" the world is crashing on my shoulders. "leave me alone" i don't wanna explain it. "leave me alone" im avoiding decisions, problems, closeness.

worst part is... when im finally ready to say "come on over" is when they'll actually leave me alone.

[saturnpearl]

mother, love.

i know that it will be okay. no doubt about it. the issue right now is i dont have answers to the next steps. how can i help?! its impossible for me to just sit and watch. i feel like a mother. i need to mother my mother. i need to mother my sister. guess that's what last night's dream was about. it was the same baby i had seen brought in a previous dream by my grandpa. this time i was caring for it and then i felt love. pure. i finally understand IT! my whole being, my whole body vibrates in LOVE. i only pray to God for answers. i have faith. im sure it will be ok. i have no doubt about it.

Lord, guide me through the next steps.

Amen.

[saturnpearl]

some good advice

dad said: 

“if you’re at the top and you’re looking at the next best peak ahead, u have to climb down your mountain and walk the valley towards your next destination. you cant simply leap peak to peak. confusion is normal in this state. ”

_________________

mom said: 

“sometimes you just gotta grab an imaginary eraser and visualize erasing the thoughts that upset you.”

________________

[saturnpearl]

slips & slides

what a bittersweet feeling is to feel both blessed and unappreciative. i’m disappointed in myself. these sins be stacking up way too fast. its like once u start,  the domino effect immediately cascades down.

today was a simultaneous dichotomy of emotions, pure madness in my head. it was ups and downs, twirls and swirls, slips and slides in full-throttle light-speed. but in the midst of all that chaos, a new angel was found and i’m so thankful to her. made me realize that slowly but surely my circle is changing to what i’ve always pictured, a team of good hearted people i actually care about and trust. Dex is another one, obviousy. He brought insight on my major confusions and helped me realize that i make my life way harder than it actually needs to be, for the simple reason of thinking that trying VERY hard is necessary. well not always. i guess thats what Mr Gronnier kept telling me back in the day. these lessons been the same this whole time!

1.  don’t make it harder than it is.

2.  un-stale your life by trying new things. 

3.  have fun!

[saturnpearl]

This is therapy.

listening to songs i forgot about as im writing away my feelings thru the night. my tv plays an easy to digest reality and the atmosphere in my bedroom reminds me of the universe. its like it used to be: a place that i know, mine. i’m constantly chasing and reproducing this feeling in different settings.  my whole life i felt like an outsider... and im not getting used to it, so this is how i cope.

truth is, my spark hasn’t been the same lately. long observed by silent hollywood eyes, it messed up my palate. music dont taste the same no more. nothing tastes the same no more. so i armed myself with memories, carefully packed my emotions and embarked on an expedition back

to myself. 

now playing: the man who can’t be moved - the script