SavvyJinx Life

Things don't matter as much as people do. 

[savvyjinxlife]

Stop it! 40 year old dude at Coffee Bean sagging in some Lil’ Wayne slim fits. I wondered if he ordered a skinny macchiato, to match?

[savvyjinxlife]

Tool of the Time

Anybody that sits right next to you even though wherever you're at has plenty of other sitting options.

[savvyjinxlife]

tact·ful: adj. Possessing or exhibiting tact; considerate and discreet

Sometimes I wish I could be a bigger asshole to people. Don’t get me wrong, I am an asshole, but a tactful asshole. I plan my actions and words with the precision of a heart surgeon implanting a baboon heart in a poor sap’s chest cavity. In the following story, I was not so tactical. I was at a local grocery store to return a movie at the Redbox machine and there was a woman in her mid-50’s perusing the various movie rental options to round out her Saturday night festivities. I stood about five feet behind her so I wouldn’t creep her out and to provide her the all important buffer zone that many people do not seem to know about. I had to yell at a man who was around my age to back up in line at Sea World a couple years ago because he did not respect the buffer zone since he kept touching my elbow with his. Some people I told that story to said he was hitting on me. Some said because he was a foreigner, that his culture may have different rules about personal space. Either way, I was his American professor of society’s traditions on that summer day. Anyway, that’s a story for later, let’s move on. The mid-menopausal woman was indecisive and made it her life’s mission to make sure she spent her $1.00 on a proper pick. She browses through about four or five titles and I’m thinking in the vile portion of my brain, “Are you fucking kidding me lady?! It’s one damn dollar!! Rent five movies for five dollars and call it a mother fucking night!!! I will pay for your rentals just to save me time. Hurry the fuck up!!!!”

Now, the nice portion of my brain is going, “She’s older, I’m really in no big rush. Maybe I can recommend a movie for her. Yeah, that would be a nice thing to do. See, I could be nice. Too bad they don’t have porn; I could recommend that and really freak her out…hee hee.”

Wait, that last part was the vile side…sorry. In the midst of my inner tumultuous dialogue a weirdo store employee who looks like he’s one properly timed insult away from shooting his workplace up in a hail of semi-automatic gunfire decides that he can squeeze his over-sized frame between me and the golden girl and bumps me on my right shoulder as walks in front of me violating the buffer zone. Without a misplaced step, he traipses his out the door to retrieve rogue shopping carts all the while making little squeaks and swooshing noises. One sound comes from his double strap Velcro work shoes and the other from his baggy Ben Davis trousers rubbing together between his inner thighs, no doubt with the potential to cause a significant amount of chaffing. I recommend a generous amount of talcum powder or making the switch to boxer briefs. In extreme heat, I would do both. As I waited for him to turn around and apologize for making an obvious error in distance judging, much like me trying to pee, drunk in the dark, (we all miss the mark at times) my waiting was in vain, as the reparations never returned to me. I tisked and said with a mild amount of disgust, “Really?”

I returned to pondering why Redbox doesn’t offer a more “adult” selection of films and my little lost rental lady turned around like Bruce Willis and semi-whispered, “Did you say something to me?”

And because I wasn’t speaking to her, I innocently replied, “No.”

She didn’t respond and took a step back and considered her next move for a second and said, “You go ahead, I can’t decide.”

I said, “Oh, okay, thanks.” I thought, “No shit.”

I quickly returned my movie and got in my car to drive around the parking lot to look for the American Psycho and run his bowling shoe covered foot over. Then I realized that the lady thought I was being a dick. I laughed to myself and thought assholes get what they want. I wish I could harness the power of the dickhead, but I can’t. I have horrible thoughts and ideas, but I never act on them. I should find that fine edge where I teeter between angel and devil. Maybe, if I’m a dick to another dick then we cancel each other out in the universe like a math equation, like either asshole never existed in time or space. Would I be mistaken for being an asshole assassin and figuratively killing every douche that commits a crime on humanity? I would only be ridiculous to those that are in need of getting dressed down in a humiliating way for being cunts in their own right. That wouldn’t be out of bounds, would it?

[savvyjinxlife]

Douchebag of the week

This asshole is the one who “pretends" to not see the line everyone else is waiting in and starts a new line and then acts surprised and offended when confronted about attempting to cut because to admit they're a putrid person would be out of the question .

[savvyjinxlife]

Douchebag of the week

Anyone that asks a question then adds, "...or no?" at the end. They're really doing a disservice to themselves by providing a negative escape clause at the end of the question. If you have to insert, "...or no?" to the end of your query, then there's your answer. Thank you.

[savvyjinxlife]

ques·tion: noun. An expression of inquiry that invites or calls for a reply.

I realize I don’t asked enough questions. I was at a shitty, overpriced-store in the mall with my pre-teen daughter killing time and my spirit watching the consuming zombies attack any product with a sale sign last weekend when I had a weird exchange with a non-specific Asian employee. She was in her mid 40’s, wearing jean shorts, a pink tank top and simultaneously picking her teeth and eating at the same time. This store is full of formal gowns and accessories for proms, weddings and quinceaneras. A nine year old girl’s dreams come true. I decided to let the love of my daughter overcome my disdain for dress stores , as my baby girl led me by the wrist into a taffeta, lace, and rhinestone nightmare. We stumbled upon an unorganized rack with 9-12 cubby holes filled with little handheld purses. My girl said they are called “clutches”. Nice. There are so many purses…err...clutches that some of them are lined up on the ground in front of the display.  My future shopaholic begins grabbing the merchandise, opening and closing, snaps, buckles and zippers at a tremendously fast pace. Mind you, no one has asked if we need any assistance yet. My retail tornado continues to rummage through every bejeweled or bedazzled junk drawer when she drops one on the ground next to the others that weren’t good enough to be on a pedestal. Before my offspring can retrieve the pink, purse product, a wrinkled claw snatches it up.  We look to our right and see the lovely employee looking at us and speaking in a nondescript, accented voice say, “Don’t touch the merchandise.”

I said, “We can’t touch the merchandise?” 

She replied, “No, you can.” 

We can touch the merchandise and we can’t touch the merchandise? I was confused, angry and happy that this rude, ridiculous, and reprehensible woman gave me a reason to leave her stupid store swiftly. I told my little one to put the glitzy-ness down and follow me out. As we made our hasty retreat, I barked, “Let’s go sweetie, we will not be back here.”

The woman meekly squeaked, “No.” 

We both laughed and decided to go halves on a Wetzel Pretzel and frozen lemonade. As I pondered what happened over shot of cheese sauce. I thought that I should have put the lady dragon’s talons to the fire and asked her to explain what she meant. Then  thought, it would be a waste of time to get into a broken English debate about the vagaries of customer service with a woman that is visibly not interested in adopting the “customer is king” motto. I felt a little disappointment in myself for missing an opportunity to make an asshole’s life an uncomfortable. On the other hand, would having a dispute with her have benefitted either one of our lives? The choice I made to let it go and share a laugh with my girl was the precise move. Spending more time with a wretched human being would have been a blunder. I guess the only questions that can satisfactorily be answered are by me.

[savvyjinxlife]

DAD PHD

I wish I had a Dad manual becomes at times I have no clue what to say or do. I look at my nine year old and see time slipping away. She is become a little young lady and her body and mind is changing as fast as mine is. I’m getting grey hair, bad knees and grumpier by the minute. By the time I realize it my little girl will be graduating high school, graduating college, getting married and making me a grandfather. That’s when I graduate. I graduate when my child has a child and becomes a great parent in her own right. In the mean time, I will focus on getting my doctorate in fatherhood. This degree may be difficult to attain, but it will be the most rewarding thing I will have accomplished in my life. I look forward to years of studying and perfecting my craft.

[savvyjinxlife]

Douchebag of the Week

Anyone that says they just heard a funny joke, but then won't tell you the joke.

[savvyjinxlife]

Stop Lyin'

Being lied to is shitty. I have to navigate through my life attempting to figure out who is bullshitting me. That sucks. I know there is not only one truth, but multiple truths. The actuality of it is that everyone has a different perspective on any given situation. The sum of my experiences shapes the way in which I view reality. My wife and I may look at the attractiveness of a celebrity like Julia Roberts completely different. I think she is unattractive and my wife wishes she could look like her. Wifey may see below the exterior and appreciate Ms. Roberts’ way of life, success, and money as attractive. Whereas, I am only looking at the surface. Who is wrong? Neither one of us, is the answer. I hear attractive and equate that to looks. My wife may have a different definition of attractiveness and she relates beauty to security and stability.  

I have been thinking about a career move recently. After talking to my good friend he expressed his concern with how a career change could hurt my lifestyle as a family man. (He is a father, too.) My other friend expounded on the topic of money and how I could lose out by staying where I was at. (He is childless.) The truth is that they are both right. Making more money would be great, but losing time with my family would not be. Being a present dad would be great too, but sacrificing my time with my young daughter would not be. What is the answer? I must make more money and spend the same amount of time with my family. How could I do that? It is going to be difficult, but if I work hard, have a positive outlook, and stick with my current path, I will have everything I want, in time. Patience is also a component of this equation. If I move to another company, I must start over. The truth doesn’t anyway rest in the brain accompanied by logic and reasoning, sometimes it is found in the heart surrounded by emotion and compassion.

The truth is elusive for some. Especially, when the person does not admit truth to themselves, they will never admit it to me. The ultimate deception is self-deception.  Dealing with a person in denial can be trying and troublesome. Communication becomes a very difficult task because the person is a brick wall. Truth cannot freely flow in or flow out. Talking with a denier can be frustrating and not fruitful or productive. Again, the truth that they live in is their truth and not necessarily wrong, but different from mine. The first step in problem solving is to recognize the problem exists. Without that first step, problem solving is impossible. If I encounter a denier, I will not press forward to get them to admit anything. Rather, I say my piece and walk away from the topic at hand. This method has saved my time and aggravation, but I learned this lesson the hard way. I wasted countless words on people that cannot and will not heed them.

The bottom line is to surround yourself with people that can accept and respect your truths. Be around open and honest people; people who are objective in their view if themselves and each other. This group will challenge you, but they will not want to crush your self esteem. This community should have your best interest in mind and you theirs. They will push and pull you and you them. I want truths and I want those next to me that want the same.  

[savvyjinxlife]

Douche of the Week

The parent at the school event with a camera rivaling that of a professional photographer’s.

[savvyjinxlife]

Game of Groans

I was at a video game retailer a few weeks ago looking to buy my daughter a new/used video game. As we walked in hand in hand a friendly employee approached us and asked if we needed assistance. I politely declined and used the "we're just browsing" defense. Then she handed me a flyer that had all the different sales and discounts going on and she explained a few to me then she walked away to allow us to browse further. We're there about five minutes and the same sales associate approaches me again to offer assistance and I said no for the second time. (One of my favorite things to do is repeat myself) We finally made a decision and went to the counter to pay for the video game and the manager asked if I found everything that I wanted and I said yes. She looked for the game and I was drifting off looking at the TV with the new video game trailers, she noticed I was watching the new Madden game trailer she asked if I was into football games. I said, "yeah, I like Madden" and she asked if I wanted to pay five dollars to reserve the game coming out in August and I said, "no thanks." Then she asked if I had a club membership I said, "yeah" and I gave her my phone number she came back and told me my premium subscription was expired. Then she asked if i wanted to pay $15 to renew it again I said, "no thanks". And as she was ringing me up she hit me up to insure my game for three dollars more to protect it for the lifetime game. Now i was angry, because by this time it was $5, plus $3, plus $15 for a total of potential $20 extra added to the price of the game. Clearly, this business is hurting for money because of the online presence of Amazon and Gamefly. This kind of nickel and diming happened at Borders, Hollywood Video, and Blockbuster before they went under. Companies don't realize what a nuisance it is to be solicited during a purchase transaction. If my crystal ball is on point, this business will stop slinging games soon.

[savvyjinxlife]

Guess what today is?!

I used to celebrate the entire month of my birthday. I used to go around telling random strangers that it was my birthday. I used to say things like, "Guess what today is?!" I used to expect every invitation to someone's house near or on my birthday as a potential surprise party. I used to plan birthday weekend trips. I used to expect gifts. I used to expect cards. I used to expect gift cards. I used to expect birthday sex. I used to expect a birthday dinner. I used to think people cared about me getting a year older. I used to get mad when a bouncer or bartender didn't notice it was my birthday in my ID and wish me the proper congratulatory words. I used to go to Chuck E. Cheese's. I used to have piñatas. I used to have parties. I used to have hangovers the next day. I used to like the Birthday Song. I used to blow out candles. I used to enjoy all of these things. Now , I'm a Dad and I enjoy providing my daughter the opportunity to have some "used to's" on her birthday.

[savvyjinxlife]

Douche of the Week

Guys rocking v-neck t-shirts

[savvyjinxlife]

Douche of the Week

The person that makes everyone wait 10 minutes in line at the liquor store/7-11/Circle-K/Mini-Mart/Convenient Store like its a casino;while  cashing in scratchers, lottery tickets, and re-buying more tickets with his disability money.

[savvyjinxlife]

per·se·vere

Trouble arrives in your life sometimes and often it comes in waves. We will be convinced we have no reason to try because the situation seems to difficult to overcome. If you feel defeated you're absolutely wrong because whenever you follow your dreams you cannot lose. Ignore the minor set-backs that pile up because you will end up building a wall around your confidence and never be able to break through. The future is full of great possibilities and your destiny is unknown. Being here, now is a gift so appreciate it and realize if you’re not moving forward, you’re moving backward. Climb bravely toward your goal and allow nothing darken the path. Tomorrow can only be changed if you chase your dreams today.

[savvyjinxlife]

Douche Bag of the Week

The parent who voluntarily tells how many activities his/her child is enrolled in.

[savvyjinxlife]

A Tight Squeeze

I’m watching numerous people in an office lobby walk sideways to squeeze through a building column and a chair. The gap can’t be more than 12 to 18 inches wide and there is a 12 to 18 foot walkway two feet to the left of the gap. It’s perplexing to me that people go for the first opportunity they see even if it’s a more difficult choice. That has to be a common theme in these people’s lives. Ironically, everyone is walking to a cafe counter to order lunch which if some if them missed a couple of meals they wouldn’t have to turn sideways to fit their asses through. I just moved the chair closer to the column. I’m trying to save them. I’m a hero. Thank you.