So it’s been a week already which I don’t think any of us can believe. It’s taken me longer than some to gather my thoughts and feelings. SO MANY FEELS!
I want to thank allthrumyribs jerseyless and nayas-sports-bra for allowing me to be apart of the staff again this year. I would also like to thank the rest of the staff this year and last, especially those I got the chance to meet in person.
I didn’t know what to expect when I started this journey. A little over a year ago I had just started writing again. I’d been looking for something that inspired me to write and I found Brittana. I’m really so new to the fandom it’s scary. One of my readers ended up being my guide, she told me what stories I needed to read, some I’d never heard of although most of the fandom could probably quote and she turned me in the direction of authors I’d never known, though I got to meet some of you this weekend. It was in one of these stories I learned about Brittanacon. I googled it as I didn’t have any social media, Twitter or tumblr. In the end I emailed Alex, telling her I wanted to contribute to the inaugural con. I wanted to give something to the fandom I was dipping my toes into. I went into it believing i’d donate some money, become a supporter or at the very most attend the Con and be a silent observer. Alex had different plans: “We are having a chat tomorrow, why don’t you join?” And that’s how I found myself helping the staff by giving some opinions and volunteering to make bracelets, which I’m glad everyone seemed to enjoy.
It ended up that financially I was unable to attend last year. It was a disappointment but also a relief. If I had the money I would have attended but since I didn’t it gave me an out. I’m not good meeting new people, especially in large groups. I’m horrible at making new friends. I tend to hide in my real life. And at the time I was so self conscience about my physical appearance and weight which resulted in self hatred. I was in no place to be meeting a bunch of outgoing people where I’d feel out of place. Or so I thought would happen.
The past year I’ve dedicated to personal growth(losing 60lbs and feeling better about myself even though I still have a ways to go), and because of that I forced myself to make the promise that I would attend this years Con even if I was still terrified to do so. I’d always known who I was but knowing I was going to meet a group of like minded individuals I decided I needed my friends and family to know who I was before I let others know in person. I’d never talked about my sexuality to others though I never outright hid it. It was something I knew and accepted about myself and that’s all I needed, but I decided before the con I’d tell those close to me, some were surprised, others not so much, but all were accepting. At this point the only thing stopping me from getting on the plane was getting over my self doubt.
The entire night before flying out I could not sleep. I was too anxious, fearful I guess, not because I was scared to fly but because of the unknown that awaited me when the plane landed in Chicago.
I entered the hotel and instantly got an earful of rowdy ladies from the lobby bar, one voice I thought I recognized as Mama’s. Not being ready to face anyone after being on a crowded plane, I covered my Brittanacon bracelets which had previously given me courage so that I would not be recognized. I went up to my room and breathed for ten minutes before messaging Mama and telling her I was in my hotel room. Her exact words: Get ur ass down here!
And if I knew anything about Mama she was not one to be disobeyed.
I won’t go into details about the tackle hug I received nor the beautiful faces I saw or the new friends I met (shout out to Baker!). But from the second Mama released me from her hug and introduced me until leaving Sunday afternoon I never once felt out of place or unwanted. I spoke more with these new people than I ever thought I would have and felt more at home than I ever dreamed I could in a room full of strangers.
My only regret was not having the time I’d like to talk with everyone individually. The entire weekend was a blur of happiness, even if I totally lost the Uno Game of Epic Proportion (I still say cheating was involved, you know who you are!)
I left Canada with a churning stomach and I left Chicago the same way, not wanting to leave! This group is so amazing and I feel lucky to have found you all. I can’t wait to see your faces again and I look forward to next year, meeting new faces and old again, though I hope it won’t be a whole year before I see some of your stupid faces again! Don’t be strangers!
But thank you all for the experience! You all contributed and you all are amazing.
