CuriosityConfusion

Dax, they/them, genderqueer, 32

[depsidase]

[charmspoint]

peer reviewed tags from @megacarapa

[i-will-not-be-caged]

I feel like we need to talk more about how fucking boring depression can be. I pick up a book and can’t read more than a few sentences, a chapter if I’m lucky, before I can’t focus. I knit two rows of something and then can’t continue. I scroll through all the different options of shows I haven’t watched without clicking on any of them. I hop from app to app looking for content that will spark literally any single emotion. It’s not even 10am and I already feel like I’m just waiting until it’s time to go back to bed.

I hate it I hate it I hate it

[fagstaynight]

(getting a taste of my own medicine) actually this is okay. Is this what you guys have bene whining about? Jesus christ

[shroomshroomm]

[burnazog]

[thegadaboutgirl]

One more for the collection. Book is Stars at Last by Jessica Jocelyn

[disteal]

shout out to everyone who participated in the january-february mass depressive episode

[disteal]

Thank you everyone for another great turnout to the january-february mass depressive episode

[curiosityconfusion]

I don’t want to be here. I want to explode. I want to implode, to crumple up into a tiny infinitely dense point & then unfurl all at once into a whole new universe where in a couple billion years we can try again & make something better this time & she’ll still be there, every single person born on that new planet will have her spark, because this came from my heart that’s full of her & I wanted my new universe to be beautiful.

[anasabdin]

Dispersion

[clementiens]

[joomju]

Reblog so she lives forever.

[terminusverge]

20 years. If this gets posted and we all survive for another 20…things might be alright.

[curiosityconfusion]

I ran out of room on the thing I hang pictures of my (chosen) family on, and I had to start taping them to the door around it.

What a ridiculously good problem to have.

[piastark]

[curiosityconfusion]

I realized an interesting thing the other day. I prefer mirror relationship terms. They call me what I call them.

I’m my sister’s sister, but I’m my brother’s brother. I’m my girlfriend’s girlfriend. When I had a boyfriend I was his boyfriend. (It’s not just because every relationship involving me is automatically gay, but there is that.) I’m my uncle’s nephew and my aunt’s niece.

So yeah! Mirror relationship terms! Something to consider if you’re nonbinary!

[curiosityconfusion]

She loves me.

That’s not new but I love it. And I love her so so much, holy shit, it’s glowing out of my chest right now. I’ve never met anyone I thought was so beautiful and so amazing and so good. I get so scared sometimes that she’s going to die. And I’ll have to go on living knowing someone like her is possible but I’ve never going to find anyone like her ever again.

It’s not that she’s perfect, it’s that her flaws are the kind of beautiful that makes you write poetry.

She hates her stubble but I see her frustration being shoved as tiny needles through her face, a prickly thicket of rage, and I see black keratin tears that I can stroke gently enough that I feel them stand down into just—hair. If I cup her face in my hands and lovingly trace the edge of her face with my thumbs it’s the most beautiful motion I’ve ever been able to make, my fingers guided by her geometry. I just keep staring at her, trying to burn into my memory what I see in that moment, even though I know all I’m going to get is a line, a curve, and this endless barrage of affection that saturates my heart.

I need a way for her to feel this, how beautiful and kind and bright and good she is, but all I have is such woefully inadequate language. Even if she believed me, how do I put into words how I feel when she walks in front of me at the grocery store and I feel like I’m in an art gallery where I’m the only one who can see the paintings. Glancing around and seeing only people perusing jarred pickles. The sublime is here. Forgive me if I fall to my knees weeping. My love overflows.

[curiosityconfusion]

As a nonbinary person, I feel like so many experiences are cut off from me.

I was reading a book about kink, and it had a quiz in it that asked if I had ever crossdressed, and if I usually had “normal” sex.

No? Can I do either of those things?

What would crossdressing look like for me? I feel slightly less gender conforming when I wear a dress and makeup, and when I did that at a party the other day, someone asked if I was wearing “a costume”. But I’m AFAB? But I wear masc clothes to work, surely that can’t be crossdressing? I wore a dress to a crossdressing party pre-transition too, though. I think a lot of people assume I’m transfem. I’m not transmasc either though, even though I had top surgery and took testosterone for ten years. I’m too gendery to be transneutral. I’m transboth. Transeverything.

And I can’t be gay or have gay sex because what is my “same gender”? I’m not enough of a girl to be sapphic. I’m not enough of a man to be a man loving men. But also I’m not capable of being straight, because even though clearly neither my boyfriend nor my girlfriend are the same gender as me, nobody would argue that we’re in “straight” relationships. If someone has a clear idea of what “normal” sex looks like it can’t possibly include me. If I was going to have “normal” sex there would be several steps involved, the first one being….detransition? Retransition?

Am I gender nonconforming? Yes, but I genuinely don’t know what gender I could conform to, if I wanted to not be that.

I don’t know, it’s just weird feeling like I’m cut off from both “normal” and the opposite of normal. I don’t even fit into that binary.

[goblinsoasis]

Chaos of Flesh

Eventually I’ll make other versions like one with lighting

[depsidase]

[purplepints]

Oldest human footprint discovered, made 153,000 years ago in South Africa.

Oldest human footprint in North America, made 21,000 years ago in New Mexico, USA.

Oldest human footprint on the Moon, made July 20, 1969 on the Sea of Tranquility, Earth's moon.

[transxfiles]

this pride month i want everyone to consider the benefits of abolishing the sex binary

[transxfiles]

furthermore, abolish the government systems that require people to categorize themselves into gendered categories. why do y'all need to know that.

[transxfiles]

no more assigning babies a legal sex at birth. i feel like this should go without saying, but no more surgeries on intersex infants. no more surgeries on intersex children. embrace intersex traits as natural. because they are.

no more gendered dress codes. no more gender markers on passports, driver's licenses, ids. i'm not talking about "adding x" or "adding a third category" i'm talking about no more categories, period. why does the government need to know what my genital situation is? why does the government feel the need to assign me a sex on the basis of genitals? why does the cop who pulled me over need to see an m, or an f, or an x?

no more "gender is a social construct, sex is the thing that's binary." sex is not binary. abolish the idea that it is. normalize conversations about intersex traits. being intersex is natural. the sex binary is a thing imposed by the state.

no more gendered sports. if you really care about equity, sort people into categories based on skill level and athleticism, not gender or sex. the concept that there are only two sexes and that one is inherently weaker than the other is pseudoscience. the male/female hunter/gatherer dichotomy is not based in fact, and is a product of modern sexist cultural biases. one gender is not inherently subservient to the other. people are not inherently different on the basis of sex or gender. it is just more complicated than that.

the concept of multiple genders and sexes beyond the man/woman male/female dichotomy has existed as long as humans have existed. the sex binary only serves to benefit the patriarchy. the gender binary only serves to benefit the patriarchy. continuing to impose it just controls (and harms) the people it forcibly categorizes.

i'm not asking for the end of gender, i'm calling for an acknowledgement of gender and sex that understands the infinite diversity of the human species. i'm suggesting an end to binary systems that only benefit the ruling class. just think about it. okay?

[joeyclaire]

wait ok now i'm curious how old were you when you joined tumblr and how old are you now

[dandelion-jester-deactivated202]

I was 14 and I'm now 23