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Consumed by

negative energies surrounding

my soul.

Permeating my ability to persevere

Permeating my very existence.

Attempts to stave off, to block, to deflect

Have been futile.

So I run.

Run far and wide.

This is perceived as weakness,

Instability.

But for those who wish to look beyond

And see the truth-it is self preservation.

For this empath finds it harder and harder

to sustain the life…

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Me

I just suddenly had this rush of realization-what a fucking burden I have become. There is nothing fun about Me anymore. I would not want to be around me. I get it, everyone. I get it.

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The Creep

Stagnancy has its own stench

Catching up from behind

Creeping into every cell

As I run to escape its grasp.

But its odor permeates the air

Ascending into my nostrils

As I attempt to hold my breath,

I know this feeling well.

As the panic begins to set in,

my descent into the darkness once again,

Consuming my thoughts, my will,

My intentions.

I lose myself

in the fountain of despair…

If I could…

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Lo Que Si Que Es

Beaten up, beaten in, beaten out, beaten down.

The escapes-however fleetingly temporary-therapeutic in nature they are.

You mask your anger, your temper

by directing it at me, beating me down, in, on, under…but in ways nobody can see.

In decades of honing your craft,

I’ve become but a grain of sand;

a poor mother

a poor wife

a poor sister

a poor daughter

a poor human.

Every now and then, though,

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Corners

I came to the realization that I’m just never going to get where I would like to be. I’m really smart, which has gotten me all the things that most would think define me as successful. And they’d be right, for the most part. Except for the one thing I am lacking-self respect. Because of this, I’ve consistently made decisions that allow me to be taken advantage of…a consent of sorts-for all…

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Seeking truth, life and love

I’m just a few weeks into the month of the anniversary of Angel’s death, and just like every year (this will be 17 years-although it seems like just yesterday), it’s like a macabre countdown to the actual day. But this year, it’s more raw, because for some reason I decided to return to the scene of the crime…the place where Angel died. I haven’t been back here since right after he passed. I live…

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Holiday Ode

Christmas Eve

I am sitting here in my chair

Alone.

And all I can do is think of you.

Your touch.

Your feel.

Your voice.

It is all

I need.

Ever.

It is beauty

Perfection,

Intellect.

I am perfectly safe

At home here with you,

Even despite the possibility of bullets

Whizzing past my head

In danger.

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Don’t Give

For decades,

Against the greater odds

I didn’t give

Up.

Overdosed, rapes, muggings,

Rock-n-Roll.

All these things,

to try and find

and save

My soul.

I have conquered

The death of my

First born son.

One would think I

Could now surmount

Anything that is a part

Of this realm.

But somehow,

It is not to be.

The combined weight

Of these years of strife

Take their toll.

I have always said don’t give up…

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Life Tired

I am so tired.

Not physically tired; life tired.

I don’t wake up excited anymore.

I don’t want to run outside and feel the sun shining on my face

Anymore.

Or smell the roses in my garden.

Watching birds in flight.

Butterflies, once so magical,

are now mundane.

Life has become one dimensional.

Once strong connections, gone.

At the end of the day,

The only person I have to tell about my experiences

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I thought it was depression, for all these years. Amazing how you can be so convinced of one reality for so long. I now see that it has been, in fact, the burdening pain of grief. All this time. How could I have missed it…I’ve never forgiven myself. I don’t even know how. It helps slightly to finally have clarity as to the origin, but the knowledge provides me no solace, for I have no recourse of…

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The One

I’m not special. I’m nobody’s first call of the day…first text…first thought. I’m a passing, fleeting moment of distant recognition, without any lasting degree. Love conquers all, but I’ve never had the honor of that faith. I’ve held out the highest hopes, trusting in the wrong beings to lead that forward. Instead, I’ve learned a lifetime of deception, dishonor, judgment and hypocrisy. I’m left…

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Scars of Life

Written 9.29.2018

I see them staring at me

So I stare at them.

I don’t know how or what to say

When eyes look this way.

It’s a guarantee

They’ll look at me

Like a prison sentence I’ve given myself

The ink of my ways

Of my sins

In this life

Draws them in

A self-imposed spectacle

When the primary intent

Is to fly

So far under the radar

That I could die by my own hand

And no-one would take notice

at…

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Finality

Written 10.31.2018

Jesus Christ, Buddha,

Krishna, Muhammad,

Rumi, Dyer, Meyers…..silence.

Meditation, martial arts,

prayer, solitude…silence.

Intangible dark walls surrounding

Solitary confinement of my soul,

Origins in pain

isolation

devoid of functioning

An uncontrolled growth

With no definitive boundaries

Life’s preventative

Light is fading away.

Haphazard, frenetic, perhaps foolishly

searching

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Dream Details

Written 11.3.2018

Dream details escape this reality

But leave behind deepening messages of despair, following

as a dark shadow

Everywhere.

Burdening pain grows

overshadows remaining light

heavy, heavy,

a cornered animal

nowhere left to go.

Sitting

waiting

Sometimes hoping

But less and less of that these days.

Failed efforts for joy

Every choice a failure,

Two beings of light

the only solace.

Howe…

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Oh my God have I loved you, forever and a day. When you left so many years ago, I buried it down. Way, way down. I didn’t even realize it was still there until you coaxed it out. I’m realizing-some people just don’t change, as much as you hope from the bottom of your soul that they have. Then I fell for you all over again, harder though. I was open and honest, but it wasn’t reciprocated. I’ve…

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Eat You Alive

I was reading something about grief. Every now and then, I read a bunch of the comments to the story that are posted, if only for entertainment. In the story, a woman was talking about losing her husband to cancer. She talked about how she’s still living life, but it’s just there….she goes through the motions, because what else are you supposed to do? She was also trying to raise children, and…

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Remains

They miss their mark so thoroughly, as they mistakenly believe their interventions are making a difference. For the reality is that they cannot ever have true empathy for this plight-that is, unless they, too, have been in this place of despair. For one to wish to remain a part of this world, one must feel connected. In order to feel connected, there must be some sort of attachment…relationships.…

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