Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018!
As we start a new year, I feel the need to reflect on last year. To learn and grow from it. To take a moment to appreciate the fact that it is god damn over.
As most of my friends know, 2017 was one of the hardest years of my life. I’d say 2nd only to 2010 when I lost my mom. First, In July I was fired from a job for the first time, ever. I’ve always been a hard worker, dedicated, reliable, etc. I pride myself on having a good work ethic. However the MedSpa I was working at was a toxic environment. From day one I was asked to change my appearance and conform to a barbie doll look. I even subjected myself to Botox and lip injections which have (thankfully) naturally dissolved. Every morning I would spend nearly 2 hours doing my hair, make up, and picking out the “perfect” outfit. Then I would spend an hour driving down IH35 in rush hour traffic across Austin for my commute. I was exhausted. My coworkers were the typical mean girls from high school I always despised and stayed far far away from. My mental health was deteriorating. I was not a pleasant or happy person to be around.
And then I was fired. One of the owners and I did not agree on some changes she wanted to make to some policies and procedures concerning the front desk. I spoke up about my apprehension and fear that the clients would suffer. She did not like being questioned. I was let go without any performance evaluations, notice, nothing. One day I had a job, the next I did not. That has never. ever. happened to me.
This sent me into a minor depression. I spent the following weeks laying in my boyfriend’s bed, watching tv or using his computer to play video games. I barely left his room. This obviously caused some tension and strained an already imperfect relationship. He got fed up with me. I honestly got pretty fed up with him. I really should have just gone the fuck home and given him some space. But I didn’t and the relationship came to a crash. After over two years together we decided to start untangling our lives together. We agreed that although we loved each other, we were simply no longer working.
Three days later my Grandfather died. I was extremely close to my Grandfather. Not only was he the only real father figure I had growing up but I had been my grandparent’s primary care giver for three years. I lived with them, took them to doctors appointments, cooked for them, made sure they took their meds, dressed them etc etc. Although I know he lived a long full life (94 years!) and I know that it was simply his time, I was devastated. I miss listening to him talk about his years on the farm or his career in the Air Force. I especially miss hearing him talk about how he met my Grandmother and the nearly 70 years that they were married.
So, within a 6 week period my entire foundation felt like it had collapsed. Without these three aspects of my life, I became a shell of a person. I no longer knew how to fill my time. I didn’t have a job to go to every day, I didn’t have my grandfather to take care of and I no longer had my partner to turn to. I was in a very very dark place. I spent days alone in my tiny apartment crying. I thankfully have an amazing set of women in my life who honestly probably saved my life in those first few weeks. If it wasn’t for Michelle, Amanda, Tamara and my sister Lynda taking me into their respective homes and feeding me, cuddling with me, giving words of encouragement and support, I shudder to think where I would be now. I will forever be grateful for these women for the love they showed me during this time.
And Harmony. Even from across country my big sister was there for me. She never failed to answer my calls, multiple times a day to talk me off the cliff. I would call her mid full fledge panic attack and she would somehow know exactly what to say. And she said, “come to Washington”.
So here I am. I packed up my entire life, everything I own, put it in my car and drove for 4 days straight.
And I finally feel like I can breathe again. I have a new job that is just challenging enough to keep me interested but still not too overwhelming. And I have some amazing coworkers! I’ve already bonded with a few people and feel like I may actually have some friends here already? Plus I have my sister, brother in law and one of my best friends who welcomed me into their home and provided a beautiful, warm and loving place to heal.
I’m excited for 2018 and to start working on building a foundation again.
Whew. If you made it through that whole post, thank you. A big part of me needed to get that out. I needed to reflect and accept the past year so that I can move the fuck on. Let’s hope 2018 doesn’t throw me for another loop.
