BEAUTY IN CHAOS

These shadows do not control me.

[scarletethereal]

LAMICTAL ; THE BANE OF INTELLEGENCE

Hello everyone. As I said in previous posts and after purging stuff from this blog, I plan to just start using this blog for personal reasons again. So to start, I want to share my experience and thoughts about the medication, Lamictal (or its generic name, Lamotrigine.)

To start, for those who aren't aware, Lamictal is firstly a seizure medication. However, it is popularly prescribed for bipolar disorder. From a young age, I have always had trouble managing my moods and emotions. That only continued and got worse into adulthood. So at about, I don't know, 27-28, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. Now, since then, I have also gotten conflicting responses from doctors. Some of them have suspected borderline personality disorder, but as they both deal with moods, I still ended up in the same place with this medication in my hands.

Now I was prescribed Lamictal a long time ago, when I was first told I had Bipolar disorder. However, it was at a much lower dose. I never got over 25-50mg. At the time, I really didn't notice anything special about it. My impulse control did improve, but that was about it. Well, I ended up stopping it because I moved and had been going to a local clinic to get my meds so I kinda didn't have much choice.

For years after that, I was off of it. However, last year, I was prescribed it once again. Except this time, it was by a doctor who had no idea what he was doing. I started at 50 and then went to 100. At the same time, I was also prescribed Ritalin after wanting to switch from Adderall and let me tell you, Ritalin was like a breath of fresh air. After starting it, I was the most productive I have ever been. I wrote, I made graphics and just... felt good. It was amazing.

Things would change as my idiot doctor decided I should move up to 200mg. At first, it was fine but slowly I started to notice that the Ritalin wasn't having the same effect. I've always been someone who loves playing video games but suddenly I hated the thought of doing anything in them. At that time, I wasn't aware of what had happened. I simply thought the Ritalin had stopped working. So I switched back to Adderall and that just made me an anxious mess. I kept going back and forth, only ever feeling emotionally blunted on the Ritalin and all the while keeping up the 200mg of Lamictal. It took a while to finally figure out the truth.

I did some thinking one day, trying desperately to figure out what was going on. I went over in my head how I was feeling now and realized how much I was overthinking things and that the overthinking was what was keeping me from doing things I loved. I've always been impulsive but that's part of what made me the creative person I am. Overthinking hinders that creativity because I'm constantly talking myself out of doing things. That's when I remembered how Lamictal had made me less impulsive the first time and now, on an even higher dose, it was working far too well at dampening those impulses. It was causing my brain to stop and think about things before doing them, but on too high a scale. Not only that but Lamictal not only had an effect on my impulses but it also has a common side effect of causing memory loss and lapses. Which, for me as a writer, is a problem.

Now you'd think it'd be just the solution of quitting and being better. Nope. Lamictal is a mood stabilizer. So it also helps with depression. Going off of that has a very bad rebound effect and leads to suicidal thoughts. I tried to quit but within two days, I started having the worst thoughts. So I surrendered to the medication for a good while and suffered with my loss of creativity and passion. But I knew, in time, I wouldn't be able to be happy in life without being able to enjoy the things I'm passionate about.

Recently I got back on Ritalin again and through a process of experimenting and tapering, I ended up finally getting down to 100mg. Sure enough, that overthinking has vastly decreased and I am writing again. I plan to keep lowering until I can either get to a low enough dose where it's not a problem anymore or just quit entirely. I haven't had any rebound due to the tapering so I plan to just keep going on the same path.

I am writing this for awareness, really. If you have ADHD like me and are a creative person, Lamictal might be something to avoid. I would have never thought it was the issue until I started thinking it over like this. Maybe, in a way, that overthinking helped me figure out the problem. Either way, this medication isn't for everyone. Just make sure you always do ample research before starting a medication you don't know anything about.

Thanks for listening, hope you all have a wonderful day.

-Robin

[scarletethereal]

I'm letting it go but the following blogs need to be deleted:

etherealfated haithussy shatteredvisage ofriddles cfstardust

and any other old urls you snagged to use as a hate blog. Or hate blogs about me in general. Just let it go and move on. I'm done with it.

[rubenniall]

this website really is you and your seven mutuals

[scarletethereal]

Whatever. I'm just gonna actually use my personal as a personal blog again. Wanna watch me reblog stuff I like? Have at. Gonna be a boring watch.

[harrykim]

'What kind of God would cause so much suffering?' That's what you said. So much pain. You decided to create a universe that would operate by your rules. And then, when you realised that you were smart enough to do it, you got scared.

Fringe (2008 — 2013)

[scarletethereal]

Today has been eventful. Hopefully I can wind down cause I'm full of energy.

[haithussy]

trans men are not known as women if they're pregnant, just thought you should know you transphobic person you. keep being transphobic and saying you're not. news flash, transgendered people can be transphobic and you fit the bill 100% sweetie <3

@scarletethereal

[scarletethereal]

Man, you must really have a crush on me. All you do is blah blah blah at me because you want to provoke me. Honey, I could give a shit less about you and whatever bullshit you wanna say about me. Don't fucking care. I'll keep writing what I write. Go comment on other people's shit like I said. They write the same shit. Go on, provoke them too. But nah, you a scared ass bitch. Lmao. Pathetic little shit.

BYEEEEEE !!!

[cfstardust]

Learn to shut up if you "Don't Care" then <3

[scarletethereal]

Nah. I like yapping and pissing you guys off. And maybe I'll keep you around just so I can spread my joy and make you watch. Like, the amount of elation I have today has been fantastic. I feel no amount of hatred, only a reverberating urge to give to the people who have stuck with me and ignored the lies. It really does feel good to have friends. So stick around if you want, you don't faze me and that's the honest truth. I put that on my child. I actually have let go and decided I am just going to be me. And if you dislike me, that's fine by me. But it won't stop me from moving forward. If there's one thing I've learned, love and kindness will always shine over hatred and malice. Perhaps you would do well to learn from that. Whatever hurt you in your life to make you so bitter and hateful, I hope one day you let go and find your way back into the light.

Again, I have moved on. Snag my urls all you want. I am already free and you can't take my freedom from me.

God bless you. Have a wonderful day.

[haithussy]

trans men are not known as women if they're pregnant, just thought you should know you transphobic person you. keep being transphobic and saying you're not. news flash, transgendered people can be transphobic and you fit the bill 100% sweetie <3

@scarletethereal

[scarletethereal]

Man, you must really have a crush on me. All you do is blah blah blah at me because you want to provoke me. Honey, I could give a shit less about you and whatever bullshit you wanna say about me. Don't fucking care. I'll keep writing what I write. Go comment on other people's shit like I said. They write the same shit. Go on, provoke them too. But nah, you a scared ass bitch. Lmao. Pathetic little shit.

BYEEEEEE !!!

[scarletethereal]

WHEN PEOPLE CHALLENGE MY ABILITY TO SUCCEED, IT ONLY MAKES ME MORE MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED.

[scarletethereal]

Mm, for a rinse and repeat idea, it sure got me a lot of hits. Right, because I never actually wrote it on my own. Nor did I post it. In fact I think I only did it once. And actually, the analysis... was wrong. But that's why roleplaying has become far at the back of my agenda. It's easier to get things done when you're not waiting on others to reply. Or having them listen to-- Ah, nevermind. Not worth my time.

To-Do list:

Make fanfic posting blog ( maybe ) Work on new fanfics Update The Brilliant Dawn ( chapter 11 ) Update Melody of Night and Day ( chapter 2 ) Update An Aeon's Heart ( chapter... 4? 5? I can't remember )

[scarletethereal]

Just a preview of what I'm working on >w>

[scarletethereal]

Man would you look at those numbers. I'm so proud of this work and how it popped off. Chapter 4 is done but I need to tweak the end a bit. Also I really need to make that new tumblr for my fic postings.

[scarletethereal]

THE BRILLIANT DAWN // COMMENTS

Comments about my writing that I just want to archive here. No reason, just because they make me happy and feel validated as a writer. Oh and I included the comment for the origin of their daughter's name ;w;

[scarletethereal]

2026 IS ALMOST HERE !!!

It's been a rough year but I made it. Things have still been a little iffy but I've gotten through worse. I know it'll be okay. I've come to accept who I am and I've decided after this long and pointless struggle with people trying to put me under the lens.... I really don't care what people think of me. I know who I am. I know what people are lying about and so do my friends. Whatever they say and do is pointless in the end. I'm not going to respond to their meaningless attempts to bait me into responses. Because I know that's what they want. I will continue to report their content, of course. Because it shouldn't be allowed to be on the internet. It's harassment. Plain and simple. But I will continue to be happy and enjoy my life. I will ignore what is said. Eventually it will all fade into the background like white noise.

Anyways, 2026 will be better. I have a great job and great benefits. Things are looking up. I have a lot of fics I need to work on and I might open up a new blog to post those on as well. We'll see. Definitely excited to start moving towards new goals I have in mind. C:

[scarletethereal]

[scarletethereal]

[scarletethereal]

NARCISSISM AND HOW PEOPLE MISUSE THE TERM

I've decided to dedicate this blog to documenting my journey towards finding peace and healing from wounds that have kept reopening for too long. It's not meant as a place to vent. Just as a place to remind myself of things I need to know in order not to allow certain people control over my lives again. I've been hurt for too long. Wasted too much energy trying to explain who I am to people who don't care to listen. And given power to people who don't deserve it.

Today I want to explore something that really upset me and that's being mislabeled as a narcissist. People tend to find any and every reason to make you look bad when they don't like you. They will lie and throw out every buzz word in the book just to make others think you're a monster. This, in itself, is a form of deflection. A way the abuser will impose part of themselves onto your character.

All of my life I have been someone who takes other people's emotions to heart. I'm an empath. I resonate with others who have shared the same pain. I feel deep sorrow for those going through things no one should have to go through. I've tried to save people from these pains and even taken it upon myself to take them in when they were hurting. I learned, over time, that is a big mistake. But that's a different discussion.

Narcissism is a term taken from the Greek myth of Narcissus. Funnily enough, my high school research report was on this very myth. Narcissus was a man who became obsessed with his own reflection and ultimately died because of this obsession. The story goes that he had so much vanity that he was cursed to fall in love with his own reflection.

Vanity: excessive pride in or admiration of one's own appearance or achievements.

I have always felt myself imperfect. I've hated my appearance my entire life. I grew up with acne because of my genetic condition of having rosacea. I often got bullied for it. I've also always been overcritical of things I've done. Art, writing, nearly everything I end up disliking. I can't really even take compliments without feeling it's just a way not to hurt me.

At it's core root, the word "narcissist" cannot be tagged to someone who deems themselves less than perfect as the term is someone who believes themselves flawless.

I am far from perfect. I don't like myself even to this day. It's taken me a lot to just accept myself and realize I'm not truly the problem. It is fundamentally impossible for someone with this amount of self doubt to have NPD.

There are boxes I will ultimately tick on this list of things that narcissist possess. But in the end, people can have these traits without having NPD.

Anger is not something that defines a narcissist. Neither is jealousy for that matter. People can have these traits under other conditions. I've had anger management issues since I was a child. I have slowly worked to overcome that anger and direct it towards other things. I still have issues with it, but it's not nearly as bad as before.

The KEY traits of a narcissist are as followed:

Lack of Empathy Entitled Lies Lack of guilt Projection Emotionally cold Greedy Never taking responsibility Controlling Vain Doesn't listen Unable to take criticism Gaslighting

As I said before, I am an empath. So I resonate with people and their emotions. I care about my friends. When people hurt me, I can get angry and lash out. Which is common for someone with BPD. Regret (something that someone with NPD cannot possess) is also common with BPD. I tend to turn around after I do something mean and apologize. Whether people accept that apology is irrelevant. I simply need to allow my regret to be known.

I want to restate that this is my documentation on things to help myself grow and move forward into a new and better year. It is affirmation to myself that people are wrong when they use arm chair psychology to diagnose me with a condition they understand nothing about. I am not trying to prove anything. Because I don't need to. I know already who I am and who I will be. Nor am I trying to prove that the one who hurt me is a narcissist... because I already know.

In any case, this will the documentation for now.