if oscar isaac were your boyfriend
okay look I forgot I wrote this tbh and i just found it in my drafts again, but I’m just gonna fling it out into the wilds of the internet because like where else would it live
(who else remembers The Toast’s wonderful If X Were Your Y series, there’s a sublime version of If Oscar Isaac Were Your Boyfriend over there but when I wrote this one it didn’t exist and then I never pitched it because I am terrified of pitching and then the other version went up and I was like: COOL, OKAY, anyway)
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, his facial hair would always be at the optimally attractive length of salt-and-pepper stubble, and it would never give you a rash no matter how much you kissed. “Oh man, I’m not hurting you, am I?” Oscar Isaac would say, his eyes soft with sudden alarm, and you would laugh, and pull him in by his shirt.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you would already own at least three leather jackets, and all of them would be butter-soft. But Oscar would give you one of his when you’d forgotten yours one fall afternoon, and it would fit you perfectly. “Keep it, it suits you,” Oscar would say, and bite his lip, and you would smack his shoulder.
“You can’t just keep doing that,” you’d tell him, “you know it’s a thing,” and Oscar would look very sincere.
“It does,” he would insist, “it looks good on you,” and he would pull it into place on your shoulder, and wind a scarf around your throat. Both the jacket and the scarf would smell like cigarette smoke and fall leaves, and you would keep both of them, and the jacket would look effortlessly great over everything you own.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, he would pretend he doesn’t understand social media, but whenever you would go out for brunch he would watch you on Twitter and ask you to pass on messages. “Is that one of your internet friends?” he would say, “tell them we’re eating pancakes,” and you would roll your eyes.
“You have your own Twitter account,” you would say, “stop pretending you’re an old man,” and he would steal your phone and take a lot of very blurry photos of your pancakes.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, every item of clothing you own would be worn-in leather or soft chambray or perfectly textured wool, and you would know how to wear hats without getting weird hat hair.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you would find him sending snapchats of your cat to John Boyega, and later, lying on the couch together, his phone would vibrate and it would be John replying with pictures of himself and Oluwalogan, and John would always be shirtless in these photos. Oscar Isaac would always share these snapchats with you, and he wouldn’t even mind the noises you made.
“I mean, like, seriously,” you would say, and he would nod very seriously.
“I know,” he would say, “I know.”
kianamaiart
snowghoul
gummygunk
blakekathryn
theartofmadeline
