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After all these years…

IS THIS WHAT WE CALL A PARADOX?

You raised us to be smart, always tell us to be independent. Yet the second we feel comfortable enough to be those things, you become critical and judgmental of our actions. How TF can we move on from this?

You're gonna tell us you trust us. Then we're gonna do things that are definitely NOT stupid, we're gonna be careful and smart. But we are not going to tell you what we did because some things are better left unsaid, you get what that means. AND THEN you're gonna tell us we don't tell you things and be untrusting again. How the hell are we going to tell you things we did that are clearly not wrong and then tell us we're doing the wrongs things?

UGHHHH IDK MAN

I was waiting for it to end. Waiting for the inevitable goodbye. I even gave a farewell gift, for goodness sake. I gave it as a "please don't forget about me" kind of gift. Because i wouldn't forget about you when you leave. Because you were kind enough to offer me a safe space to just be quiet, to laugh uncontrollably, to be angry at the world, and to feel nothing at all. And i wouldn't want to lose a friend like you. But i know guys like you. You walk the earth leaving footprints but don't look back. And i respect that. I know that sometimes, looking back is harder than moving forward. You're someone who chooses which direction to look back at, specific people you wanted to keep. I wanted to be one of them. I wanted you not to forget me.

Little did I know you had other plans. And i was so naive not to notice them.

I am so privileged.

I didn't really know how privileged I was until recently. I was raised as a brat. I remember being scolded for not knowing the cost of money, being told that my father worked so hard for our money to feed us, to give us experiences he didn't have growing up. My father almost never asked for anything from his parents, too. So we were thought not to ask for much, to be contented, and that good things will come if we would persevere in life.

But I am indeed privileged. Privileged enough to live a life where the past governance didn't really affect my way of life to the point that I somewhat didn't really care about politics, to the fact that this recent election, year 2022, was my first at the age of 27. I've been so privileged.

However, I am not blind. I'm the type of person who sees most things but chooses to shut up. Again, I know, it's a side effect of being privileged, I'm sorry for repeating it a lot. I know how the people in lower classes are being treated in this country, and I know that they are easily appeased by false promises or what they see in the media. I know that they are easily swayed by amazing words. Which is sad and also very disappointing. There's a lot to be said about the state of this country. There's a lot to be said about the attitude of its people towards the government and this recent election.

I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT. YOU SHOULDN'T, TOO. PRIVILEGED OR NOT. Think of your fellow countrymen, think of the youth's future, think of your future children and your future quality of life, think of the countless of jobs that would disappear, the rising taxes, the plummeting stocks. Not everyone understands this. It's our responsibility to shine a light on these and to fight these oppressors. It's our responsibility to keep our history in tact and remember the horrors of the past so that we wouldn't relive it in the present.

Okay. Enough ranting from a privileged person. I know you get my point. I hope you get my point. DON'T STOP FIGHTING FOR WHAT IS RIGHT.

Honestly, though. It's kinda fun stringing you along like this. You definitely deserve to NOT be satisfied. And that, is satisfying to me. 👋

THIS IS SENDING ME BAD VIBES.

I wonder who you talk to when you're online. Because obviously it's not me or anyone we both know.

I wish it was me.

So... I don't know if you're ignoring me on purpose or you're just really busy like you said. I am really curious about you, though. What makes you busy? Or... who makes you busy? I feel like I miss you but I can't explain why. Maybe it's because I feel like I don't know you anymore and I really want to get to know this new person that you are. Your voice still rings in my ears while I try to remember every detail of that last night that we talked. I think I remember most of it. It doesn't really do much for me that I was so drunk last time. Maybe it turned you off. Maybe you weren't really interested that time, too. Just... tolerant. Maybe I'm fooling myself saying that you gave me a lot of attention and that there was some sort of spark. Maybe I'm just deluding myself. I don't know. But I do want to know.

I should really get off this high. Maybe you feel like I'm smothering you with attention with the few messages I left that you can't even be bothered to look at them. I guess I could say that I'm understanding enough not to care but I'm really not. I'm kind of annoyed. But there's nothing I can do about it. You have your own life now, I get that. The best thing I could probably say is that no matter what happens, no matter where you are in life, I hope you're happy or at least not stop trying to find your happy. That's all really want for you. Even if it's not with me.

I just wanna know if this dreaming and daydreaming still has a point. Because I really want you. Like I crave you. I want to be in your everyday and I want you in mine. At this point, I really don't want to be your friend anymore. I want to be more than that. I want to meet your parents, and bond with your sister. I want to visit you at work and bring you food. I want you to pick me up from work and we can cheers to the night, everynight. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up to your kisses.

I want you. Now... I want to know if you want me, too.

It was in our highschool building. All of a sudden someone explained that it's time for everyone to confess their feelings to the one they love, like it's the end of the world or something... I don't remember or I just don't get it. So given the weird instructions, I told myself I'm ok with being alone and decided not to tell you. I just laid down in the middle of the classroom looking at the ceiling while everyone gets up and leaves the room to find the one they love to confess. You were there, too. I saw you leave the room. I thought to myself, "Oh well."

I got up and left to use the restroom. When I was by the door I saw you talking to a guy and you were asking for cigarettes which I thought was weird because you are a doctor. So I continued walking to the restroom.

Then suddenly, you grabbed my wrist and pulled me back. Then you ran, pulling me with you to go to the nearest classroom. It was quite a shock so I didn't say a word. You told me you love me, that you couldn't not say it anymore. I don't even remember what you said exactly but I remember you smiling and us laughing. I remember that after our smiles faded to somewhat a look of longing, I jumped you and made out with you in the corner of the classroom. It was intense enough that I felt your boner but I told you "not yet" so we laughed and then we ran outside the building where you gave me a cigarette and said we should talk more about us.

What came next was the best part. Waking up next to you and saying "good morning, love". Doing the grocery and just being happy looking at the weird things we wanted to buy. Me, hanging out at your workplace during lunch hours and feeding you food I made. You, picking me up from work and going home together.

The life part was the best part. I didn't want to wake from that. The begining part was full of weird things and big gestures but I didnt remember most of it, really. But I remember you and the life I want to live with you. How I wish I didn't wake up from that. Damn.

THIS RESONATES ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL!

Things I did at 14-15 years old:

Entered a relationship and gave my all my love to a boy who broke up with me after 5 months because he wasn't ready for all the love and affection I'm trying to give.

Broke up a friendship with two boys who both liked me. (And again, and again)

Broke the heart of the kindest, most affectionate guy who was actually head over heels in love with me.

Superficially slit my wrists because I was in pain.

Banged my head on the floor because I was in pain.

Avoided friends.

And it just snowballed from there.

I really hate it when you do this. You give us plans and you voice out how you want those plans to go, then when the plan is finally complete, YOU FUCKING BACK OUT. And you still don't understand why I want you to just make the plans yourself. It's annoying. You're asking us to book the place, plan the things and stuff. Then you'd turn on your word. The fuck is wrong with you??? Book it yourself. Let me know when to show up. I'm so tired of your Gemini duality and shit.

"I've always thought that I was never good enough for anyone. Too sad, too broken, too complicated. I've never really fit in either. Always the one being left alone, replaced, laughed at, and talked behind at. I don't know. I've always felt like that. I've experienced it for so long I thought it was the norm. That I'm just this thing that would never belong to anyone." I said to you while we were lying on a roof staring at the night sky about a foot away from each other.

"You know that years before I thought you were the sun and moon, right? You were a dream, how your smile lights up the room and all that corny stuff. Didn't I tell you that?" You looked at me, looked back at the sky and i could feel you smirk through the darkness.

"No. But I knew you were smitten. I had no idea why though. I saw it in your eyes and with something you do with your mouth." I smiled at the memory.

"I didn't know that behind those smile was a little girl crying. I never knew that." I could feel your eyes on me. "You're better now, right?" You asked, and I looked at you and saw your worried face.

"I think so. I feel like I don't care as much if I'm not enough for some people. I just care that I'm enough for me." I smiled at you, and you smiled back with your crinkled eyes. "How about you, are you ok now?"

"I'm alright. I'm tired, but I'm alright." You sighed and traced your eyes back up at the stars, smiling somewhat a tired smile, but a smile altogether. I looked back up, too. "I'm glad we're both alright." You said. I smiled at the stars, too.

#short story #blog #thoughts #post #feelings #emotions #life

To M.

Maybe you're a seasonal person. I know you're there. You'll always be there in my mind. Whether in the back of mind or taking over everywhere in my thoughts. Right now, you're all over. And I miss you everyday since December.

I doubt these things happen in your mind, too. Maybe I don't belong in your thoughts. I'm a seasonal person for you, too. Maybe I should just accept this and move on.

But I feel like I'm falling for you. I'm building this vision of you and me in my mind. Delusional, probably. The guy I met in February last year. That's the guy that's in my mind, making me coffee, cuddling me, going on beach trips with me. Not the guys who I hurt 12 years ago. But that guy was amazing, too. I definitely missed out on that guy. I regret it.

How do you see me? Am I still the girl who broke your heart? I don't want to be that girl. I am not that girl anymore. I hope you don't see me like that bitch anymore.

I heard you've been in some shitty relationships. I hope you're ok now. I'm so sorry that those happened to you. Sometimes, we don't win. Maybe you're tired of trying. I've been there, too. You know when that was. Hmmm. Probably not but I'm hoping you realize that I didn't mean to hurt you all those years ago.

I hope you don't get tired of trying to be happy. Or trying to find someone to be happy with if that's still what you'd like. Maybe you'd find me. I don't know, I'm putting myself in the mix for you. But whatever you decide, whatever you choose, I hope you'd still be happy. I wish you all the amazing things in life. And I wish we'd stop being seasonal people to each other.

A Dream.

We drank and partied all night. And we hung out sprawled on a thin mattress on the floor of our b&b while our friends look for their own spaces and spots to rest for the night. We talked about our lives now and how much has changed in 13 years with comments here and there from the others who were also waiting for sleep to come. We talked about our jobs and what our lives would've been like if took another path during Uni. We talked a little bit about our families and how we think about them now that we've grown. Everything was pleasant. And everyone was slowly drifting to slumber.

I saw sleep coming in your eyes. I told you goodnight and rolled over so I wasn't facing you. I scrolled through my phone a bit until sleep came to me, too.

I felt you moving somewhere beside me. I felt the warmth radiating from your body. I heard your breath near the back of my head. We were under a single blanket because everyone was sharing witha buddy. I moved my legs a little bit just to find a comfortable position and ended up brushing against yours. I stopped moving in fear that I would wake you up.

But then suddenly, your leg moved to brush against mine, too. I held my breath. You stopped moving. Everything was quiet. I rolled over slightly to face the ceiling trying to keep my eyes closed and my feet together with yours, slowly getting accustomed to the warm from it.

I felt the back of your hand against the back of mine. Slowly, you took it. You held on. I felt your hand tighten around mine. I tried so hard not to smile. I savored the feeling of your warm hand and your warm feet as I drift off to sleep.

#blog #post #love #dream

To V.

I've said this before and I'll always stick by it. I'm not good enough for you. I never was to begin with. You were too good of a person for me. To me. I didn't deserve it. But I am infinitely lucky to be loved by you. And I am also infinitely sorry for the unexpected and unfortunate impact I've had in your life. I know you still think of it whenever you remember me. I know you. I know the looks on face and the way you think. You're a typical Cancer. You feel all your feels even when you avoid it. It sometimes seem like you're an open book to me. I'm 60% almost always right about how your mind works. And when you look at me like that, the way you always look at me, I half know what your thinking. I like that look. I don't deserve it, though. And you shouldn't give me that look because someone else is in love with you. Don't give me loving in your eyes, give all your love to her. She loves you. I don't know her but I know that it's impossible for her not to love you so deeply all these years.

I will be eternally blessed for having someone like you caring for me. I will love you forever but not the way you want me to and I am sorry for that. I am so proud of you always. And I'm happy that you found someone who loves you the way that you deserve to be loved.

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