๐ท๐ด๐ป: ๐ฝ๐๐๐๐ ๐ถ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ณ๐๐๐๐.
Hel (or Hela) is the daughter of Loki, the trickster god and the Jรถtunn Angrboda and sister to the monstrous wolf Fenrir and the Midgard serpent, Jormunganr. Appearance-wise, she is โhalf livingโ; where half her body is described as being heart-achingly beautiful, and โhalf deadโ, where the other half of her body is described as the pale flesh of death and the rotting flesh that comes after.
Odin, the All-Father and ruler of Asgard, sent Hel to the realm of Helheim where she was to rule over the souls of those who had died a โdishonourable deathโ - this refers to the death of those who did not die in battle but have died of natural causes, sickness, old age etc. This gives her titles such as Goddess of Death, Goddess of the Underworld etc. (NOTE: Those who die in battle do not directly go to รรฐinn. Freyja gets the first pick of warriors and those she chooses go to Fรณlkvangr, only then does รรฐinn get to choose his warriors for the Valhoฬงll from those who remain).ย
MOON PHASE: Dark Moon, New Moon
CELEBRATIONS: Samhain, Yule
HERB: Mugwort, Wormwood, Cedar, Rue, Mullein and Plantain
INCENSE: Myrrh, Storax, Jasmine, Sage
TREES: Ash, Beech, Elder, Elm, Holly, Juniper, Willow and Yew
CRYSTALS: Black Tourmaline, Black Obsidian, Black Onyx, Apache Tear, Black Moonstone
ISSUES, INTENTIONS AND POWERS: The Afterlife, Battle/War, Darkness, Death, The Otherworld/Underworld, Shadow Work, Necromancy
The various ways I honour Hel:
I built Hel an altar that consisted of a statue of Hel, black candles, black crystals (See above in โAssociationsโ) and a black altar cloth.
Make offerings to Hel โ she tends to like coffee and dark chocolate, but I also burn incense on the altar for her. I also light a plain black candle dedicated to Hel.
Helโs Incense โ See above in โAssociationsโ.
I meditate on the Hagalaz rune.
I say prayers in her name to my loved ones that have passed away.
I leave offerings for my loved ones who have passed away, this is mostly a candle, incense, a small dish of their favourite food.
Clearing up the graves of the dead whenever I walk pass and see rubbish left around it or fix any flowers or wreathes that might have fallen over.
Doing anything creative for her is something that she loves. I made a gemstone bracelet to represent her so that I can wear it everywhere I go and connect with her even more. The bracelet is made of Black Onyx beads, Skull beads and the Halagaz rune bead; all these things are associated with Hel.
How I connect to Hel is by taking a walk through a cemetery where I can really contemplate on Death and connect with the energies of the dead around me. I also do meditations in the cemetery to tap into the death current. Whatever I hear, feel, smell and think of during my walk (or during my cemetery meditations) I always write down in my journal.
Sometimes I call upon her with a simple invocation before asking her directly for guidance. I use Tarot Cards to communicate with her following an invocation or sometimes I just meditate on the spot and wait for any images or sounds to appear in my mindโs eye that could potentially be a message from her.
I play dark, tragic and brooding instrumental music out loud, which helps me relax and contemplate on a lot of things. I also listen to a lot of Viking-inspired music to help me connect to her. I also read a lot of gothic literature, which inspires feelings of grief and longing as a healthy way to let all those feelings out, Edgar Allen Poeโs poetry is one of my personal favourites to read out loud for Hel and I to enjoy together.
MY MEDITATION โ ENCOUNTERING HEL:
The first time Hel appeared to me was when I was simply daydreaming, I heard faint whispers of โHelaโฆ Helaโฆ Helaโฆโ in my mind. Before this happened, my mind was completely blank and this was at nighttime as I laid in bed. I thought that this was very random, but nevertheless, I understood these words and felt inclined to close my eyes and meditate in case there was a message for me.
Hel was very unfamiliar to me and to be fair, I am still getting to know her to this day. Deities are very complex with their many different layers, personas, and energies. In general, if I ever feel like a deity is reaching out to me, I focus on the energies I feel from them and meditate on it. Doing so helps me get a โfeelโ of them, their energies, their intentions, their story. I tend not to look them up because I always want to feel their raw, unfamiliar energies personally and not let their mythology affect the way I sense or view them. I then take note of it in a journal and then proceed to read about them afterwards to see if my interpretation of the deity matches that written in the literature. I always believed in trusting my intuition.
In this meditation, I found myself being transported into what looked like the inside of a cave, however, part of me felt like this was no ordinary cave because it was not completely dark and obscure like caves would usually be without a torch to light the way. This cave in my vision had a pale light blue light seeping through from somewhere. I also noted there were white/pale blue crystals around me among the rocks that made up the caveโs walls.
In the cave, a child approached me. She had long silvery-white hair and pale white skin and icy blue eyes. I also noticed she was wearing a grey torn-up viking dress that was up to her ankles and that was also covered in dirt (perhaps she had been in this cave for a while trying to find her way out of it). She did not seem like she was afraid or lost, in fact, she was quite the opposite. She saw me, playfully touched my hand, smiled and giggled and happily ran away.
Not long after, a woman appeared in the direction the little girl ran off to. She had long raven black hair and was wearing a long, black dress. Her appearance reminded me of a crow.
She just stood there and stared at me, studying me. We stared at each other without saying a word to one another for a while. Later, the little girl I saw later reappeared and joined the woman. Were they mother and child? I had no idea, but they most certainly knew one another and seemed very close. They held hands and suddenly, a flash of light appeared above them and then they disappearedโฆ
Standing in the spot they were standing was another woman with her back turned towards me and partly covered in the shadow of the cave although part of her was also under the pale blue light of it. She slowly turned around to face me. As she turned, I saw from the light that she was indeed very beautiful. Youthful, glowing and with an air of mystery around her but I could not help but feel a sense of brooding and grief in the air too. I could not tell if she was smiling or not for she also looked as if she was pained and in sincere regret. When she finally turned to face me completely, that was when I realised half of her face was disfigured.
It was not just her face, the other half of her body that now revealed itself from the shadows as she stepped forward, half of her body was either rotten or in the process of rotting away. I admit that this image frightened me, and I felt my heart beating and I also felt myself going into fight or flight mode. However, I could not move and stayed rooted on the spot, just staring at her. I could not scream but I know my jaw hit the floor at this point, to be in shock is a complete understatement.
This was Her, this was Hel and I was in Helheim. I probably should not have come here.
I stood there as she limped over to me, she was limping because she was trying to drag her โdead halfโ with her. The dead half of her was completely limp. I noticed the half of her that is โaliveโ is also had toned arms and legs and has somewhat of a four-pack, possibly from dragging that โdead weightโ for so long. She took my hands in hers; one of her hands was pale but felt very warm, I even felt a pulse from it, a sign of life. The other hand, rotten, decayed, skeletal but still covered in strips of tissue felt cold and dry, and majority was bone, it made me flinch. I also noted the smell of rotting flesh and perfume (I assume is what her live half was wearing at the time) as she stood in front of me.
I finally had the courage to look up at her, into her eyes. One eye was a beautiful sapphire blue, while the other eye was blind, white and lifeless and barely hanging on in its socket as there was no eye lid to support it. I tried to ignore all that and she smiled at me. Her lip curled into a small smile, whereas the skeletal half of her face already looked like she was smiling since all I could see were her exposed teeth. The image of Hel then faded, and I slowly came to, back to the mundane world.
I am still in the process of interpreting this message but I believe the main thing that Hel tried to convey to me was DUALITY. Half beautiful, half rotten and decay. Half alive, half dead. Woman and child. Black and White. Shadow and Light.
Whenever I think of, work with and connect to Hel, I have always felt a sense of brooding and grief, darkness and mystery, there are also times when I feel fear. She is most certainly a compassionate deity when she wants to be, but most of the time, she is detached, cold, stoic and does not really take sides. She also does not mind what you do in your craft or in your life. She basically gives off the impression of, โYou do YOU as long as you do not impede on others.โ
She prefers to not interfere with anything and would rather watch you. I always feel like she has her eyes on me, watching every move and decision I make, wondering what will happen next. She sometimes expresses curiosity and fascination with me; I interpret this as even though she is a Death goddess, she still likes to be involved in the lives of her children where she can watch them live in the way they want until they pass away from this world and she welcomes them into her realm with open arms.
I never really got over the fear I feel sometimes when I connect with her, but then again, I believe that was her intention. The whole point is to feel uncomfortable and never get used to this feeling. I remember sincerely apologising to Hel later for reacting so negatively towards her, but she told me that she took no offense and that it is a good thing that I reacted in the way that I did towards her.
She wants to constantly remind me of how I feel whenever I encounter a shadow of mine. This fear is a projection onto her. It is almost as if she is a mirror image of all the โbadโ and โevilโ things of myself that scare me, make me uncomfortable and make me want to run away from. Since she constantly pulls out the shadows from within me to make me feel extremely uncomfortable and makes me face them, I ended up doing Shadow Work with her as my guide. She always asks me, โAre you truly afraid of me or of the things I remind you of when you look at me?โ
She is aware that half of her body is Death itself, but it never bothers her. Even though she literally must drag the other half of her body along with her wherever she goes (literally the dead weight of herself), she acts like she had gotten used to it over time and does not let it stop her from doing what needs to be done. The fact that physically, she gained muscle from dragging her dead half around for so long indicates that she gained strength from her ordeal.
I see Hel and see that this dead side of herself is like her very own personal shadow, except that, she is at peace with it and living in harmony with this side of her. She is an example of someone who had integrated their shadow into their life and has reached the point where she no longer needs โShadow Workโ. Only a deity is capable of this because to me, Shadow Work lasts a lifetime. As you grow older, the more Shadows form.
I admire her so much and this is why she is my role model. I strive to become like Hel and so I have dedicated my entire life to Shadow Work with her. I believe that I too can live in harmony and be at peace with the parts of me that I tried to cast away. I want to unapologetically bare my real self and feel nothing but pride. I want to uncensor my own ugliness.
Hel also eased my fear of death and completely changed my perspective on it. I view death as an end to something and the beginning of something new. I view death as a transition. Death also leads to rebirth. It is very hard and painful to let go of things sometimes, but it is necessary in order for you to move forward with your life. You come out of that situation stronger.
I used to be so afraid of the idea of dying and leaving behind all my loved ones. I also struggled with the death of loved ones, losing my Father was the one that hurt me the most. When he left, I felt a part of me die with him. I remember it took a very long time to heal and move on with my life. I was trapped in never-ending grief and was consumed with so many negative emotions like guilt, pain, rage.
What I felt is indescribable, but I remember telling my therapist that โLosing Dad felt like there was a hole in me that can never be filled by anything or anyone and I had to learn how to live with a part of me gone, but at the same time I somehow still felt severely depressed. It is not normal, it did not feel normal, nor did it feel right. I felt so numb and so empty yet despite that a part of me had died along with him, I was still able to feel negative emotions that reminded me that I was still alive.โ Thinking back to that moment, it feels like Hel was with me all along, but I never realised until much later, she was there especially during those times where I felt, โhalf dead and half aliveโ.
Nowadays, I have accepted and even embraced death. Hel made sure that I was ready for when that time comes. To live your best life, you must also embrace death. As for the death of my Father, I had finally come to terms with it and vowed to live the best life that I can. I also realised that he is not truly gone because as long as I remember the memories of him, he will live on inside of me.
