bone-tired

[schroedingersguilt]

Hello, welcome.

Welcome to my blog, if you purposely ended up here or just got lost. Feel free to stay a while, and let my unhinged thoughts feed your brain.

I hope you find comfort in the thought that whatever you are going through, you are probably not alone. And, as clicheé it might sound, you already got through 100 % of your worst days. And you will make it through anything else life throws at you. I promise.

So, take your time, open the box, or don't. Up to you.

[schroedingersguilt]

If I can get worse, I can get better.

I am not hard to love and I will put this theory to the test by loving myself.

[schroedingersguilt]

Haunted by a living person.

[schroedingersguilt: haunted]

[schroedingersguilt]

I deeply regret my actions, my words,

And everything I didn't do when I should have.

So let the sun flood my veins,

Let the flames scorch my sins.

Whatever will be left of me -

My brittle bones, my distorted flesh,

Will be purer than I could ever aim for.

So let me repent, let me burn,

Until I become the sun.

[schroedingersguilt: the sun]

[schroedingersguilt]

Do you ever get this overwhelming feeling of

N̷̛͙̟͖͕̯̺͍͔̪̩̊̽̿̀̈́̇̒́̉͜é̵̢̩̹̉̾͛̽͊͋͒v̸̨̛̙̝͕̠͉̈̎̓̅̆͋̈́͐͛͝͝e̷̢̨̧̨͈̖̥̝̬̯̙͔̓̊̿̆̀̆́͆r̶̰̯̽̇̇͒̇̈́̃̕ ̴̨̛͉̭̦͙̤̀̀̇̐̒̊̌b̶̨̨̠̗͖͙̝̜̞̼͍̻͋̔̎̃̊̽ę̸̫̻̱̙̱̠̤̹͌͆̓͛̓̕̚̚͝ͅï̷̛͉̺̼͂͒̑́̓́̂͋͂͝ń̷̛̳̽̅̓̾͋̈́̆͑̕͝ģ̶̦̼̱͈͛̒̍̅̈́ ̸̮͔̤̂̈́́͗̕e̵͉͇̘̪̤̻̳̰͚̼̫͍̎ñ̷̟͉̼̟̬̯̙̱͙͌̃͗ͅȯ̶͎̒̑̃͒̈́̎̐̆́́ù̵͙̩̞̞̀͒́̏̽̌̚͝g̸̮̯̫͎̼̣̘̹̦͓̠͛h̷̛̙͂̈́̔͑͛̀̋͑?

[schroedingersguilt: hard hits]

[schroedingersguilt]

I had a dream about the woods last night. On the edge of the woodland was a bench, facing away from the trees, Dimly lit by a ray of sunshine. I sat down, and in front of me appeared a mirror, Reflecting the wooded umbra behind me. The blackness of the forest tried to swallow me whole, and I swear I felt something evil looming behind the trees. And that's what I constantly feel like - On the edge of darkness, calamity constantly breathing down my neck.

[schroedingersguilt: calamity]

this dream freaked me out and I wish I knew what it meant.

[schroedingersguilt]

I crumble beneath the weight on my shoulders Beneath the weight of my past It's not a silent downfall but If no one listens, did it really happen?

[schroedingersguilt: excerpt from autumn]

unsure of where I was going with my newest text so here's an excerpt of it.

[schroedingersguilt]

my life consists of hand-me-downs from my exes, i got an insurmountable fear of men and a sleep disorder from my sisters, i got trust issues, an almost haunting need to look over my shoulder from my father, i got insatiable rage and a mean heart from my mother, i got incessant trauma and behavioral issues i wish i could have been born right, i wish i was my own person but i'll always be a puzzle of people that made me the way i am my life consists of hand-me-downs

[schroedingersguilt: hand-me-downs]

[schroedingersguilt]

grab me by both of my shoulders shake me, shake me, shake me - i took a wrong path, but tell me this isn't over yet tell me i'm worth it

[schroedingersguilt: worth]

[schroedingersguilt]

please leave my ghost alone it is sleeping in my arms. autumn was a battle, and winter cries about loss. In spring I fall onto my bed, as summer laughs at my despair. let it dream. please.

[schroedingersguilt: please]

[schroedingersguilt]

I've seen so much of the human mind, and I've let myself forget that some people are worth fighting for. Don't let yourself forget, too. Just remember, connection takes a leap of faith. And just because your legs are shaking when you take that leap, it doesn't mean you'll fall. Trust yourself.

[schroedingersguilt: rich]

[schroedingersguilt]

Forever haunted. Memories fade fast, but the feeling lingers.

[schroedingerguilt: haunted]

[schroedingersguilt]

I hope whatever entity is watching me suffer will have some pity on me, one day. Or, alternatively, that it will succumb to a greater suffering than I am.

[schroedingersguilt: insatiable night]

[schroedingersguilt]

The cruelest of jokes. Please, let me feel something else.

[schroedingersguilt: cold hearts]

[schroedingersguilt]

Oh. I know but I can't.

Will probably never take my own advice. I'll keep you alive in corners of my brain so deeply buried that nothing will ever touch you. My soul is so intertwined with yours that no mortal barrier will part us. When I look into the mirror, all I see is you staring back.

Letting go is a concept for the weak. (It really isn't and is probably a healthy, if not the best way of dealing with grief.)

[schroedingersguilt]

Lyrics from Closer - Kings of Leon

I hope I won't always feel like this. It makes my bones ache.

[schroedingersguilt]

It follows me around like a stray dog.

[schroedingersguilt: disaster]