Picking flowers for a funeral. // ANGST
SPOILER WARNING!! This post contains spoilers for bannerfall! Specifically the vod titled "Smajor notices something strange on bannerfall smp??". Takes place during Scott, Nom, and Mae's conversation at the blue kingdom gates.
Scott knew he was watching his friend dying.
He knew that even as Nom talked of how he was still here, he was already leaving.
It was sad. It's unfair. "Just turned 23, bones getting bad." Nom joked as Scott listened to the sickening sound of wood twisting inside him. He couldn't bare to even think what it was doing to him. 23.. he was so young. So young to have been born and raised in a war like this, to have been through so much. He understood why Nom wanted to end it, but he couldn't understand how Nom couldn't see why this was wrong.
It made Scott feel sick. Like he could already feel the sting of tears in his eyes though he didn't dare let the tears fall. He couldn't show that weakness, couldn't get emotional and risk Nom seeing him as anything less than strong. Serious. Smart enough to understand, to actually know better. He needed Nom to see.
It was hurtful and infuriating all at the same time. This hero complex Nom had, how he felt he needed to save everyone. To Scott, it was parts of believing no one else was capable. Parts of self loathing, guilt, believing he needed to be useful to be worth something. That he needed to fix, to heal and mend. He knew Nom didn't see it, he knew his intentions were.. 'pure'. He took it to save blue, to save Katie, to save him the only way he could see how. While at the same time, it was completely selfish. And now, Scott was convinced it was going to be the end of them all. Or at the very least, the end of Nom.
It filled the mage with so many emotions. Trying to keep his thoughts and feelings in check as he clenched his fists, listening to Nom speak his hypotheticals so sincerely. It made Scott wonder if everything he had done for him, how much he had listened and helped, had grown, had learned to love about Nom would all be in vain. Because for as much as Nom said he did it for the kingdom, it didn't feel like he thought about him. What this actually meant. The real consequences besides the obvious.
"I could have easily broken our promise, Scott. But I'm talking." Nom said so confidently, like it was meant to make him feel better. Placate Scott's feelings. But all he could think about was how it wouldn't matter when he was dead. It wouldn't matter if Nom only heard but didn't listen, didn't understand what he was saying. It wouldn't matter when he was gone and Scott was left with only the blood and shambles of him. With only the memories and regrets and guilt.
It was all too much. The idea was too much, the hypotheticals were too much. It was times like these Scott wished he could.. disappear. But he couldn't. He was here. This was real, and he had to face it. It was done, there wasn't anything to be done about it now. Nothing he could do for Nom now but.. be there. Scream to himself about how messed up it all was. Pray and hope it reaches someone.
Scott just had to be there. And god, he hoped it was enough. He hoped he could really be enough.
Even if he felt Nom didn't care to listen to him, or most didn't. Even though he told Nom people's lives were not on his shoulders to bare..
Scott hoped he was important enough to make a difference. He loved Nom.. loved everyone too much for it not to make a difference.
