Just Thoughts

TRIGGER WARNING. NSFW. This is my scribble book, a page of random thoughts I need to get out and down on paper. If you are triggered easily, please do not go through these. If you are under the age of 13, please do not go through these.

[scribble-book]

May 8, 2025

I long so deep and so intensely for something I can’t put my finger on.

My soul craves it.

I don’t know how to solve this so I feel the hole with what I can.

It doesn’t last long before the longing starts again.

[scribble-book]

August 27, 2024

I gained some of the weight back I worked so hard and starved to lose... looking at my body makes me miserable.

[scribble-book]

August 27, 2024

I'm so fucking lonely.

[scribble-book]

September 27, 2023

I told my best friend that I had binge ate

How horrible I felt

How disgusting I looked to myself

He responded

Sounds nice.

I haven't eaten all day.

[scribble-book]

July 19, 2022

I don’t exist when other people aren’t around. 

What a terribly lonely existance. 

[scribble-book]

September 27, 2021

For the past 13 years, my dog saved me from committing suicide.

We had to put her down.

[scribble-book]

June 26, 2020

Baby don’t expect much of me I’m used to letting people down 

[scribble-book]

August 30, 2019

I’m not over you yet It feels like it’s been so long I really loved you I dropped everything for you But that was my mistake While I did that You dropped me Like it was no problem for you Even after all you said, “I think I’m in love you”, “I really care about you”, “You’re really special to me” It all just feels like you lied And I wasn’t worth it

I almost didn’t click on your picture the other day I was so close, but I couldn’t resist you I hate how weak you make me I want to be able to ignore you

[scribble-book]

March 24, 2019

People harvest their pain in different ways. 

Play until your fingers bleed. Sing until your voice gives. Drink until you pass out. Smoke until you can’t feel anything. Paint until you’ve exhausted your brushes. Write until your fingers burn. Feel until you’re numb.

[scribble-book]

March 2, 2019

Fuck you for hurting me

But I can forgive you for that

What I can’t forgive, is you didn’t tell me why.

You left me in the dark

And now we don’t talk

And it hurts so much

But it doesn't seem to be hurting you

So I don’t know what to do

[scribble-book]

August 29, 2018

It’s amazing how one thing someone can say

Takes down my entire day

No amount of compliments or praise could build it up again

The fucking words keep coming back every now and then. 

I keep thinking about it, I focus on it, it fogs my mind...

What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? 

[scribble-book]

May 5, 2018

Some days are good days

Those days I can dance like no one’s watching, Strangers become friends, I enjoy the sounds around me, The feelings are good I will smile I will laugh

Other days are bad

Those days I realize that criticism comes even when you think no one is watching Realization hits that I don’t have any friends, and those who once were are gone The feelings always come back to the same dark place I will cut my wrists  I will watch myself bleed

[scribble-book]

April 16, 2018

Our time together wasn’t nearly long enough

I miss you more than you know

And while I love to see you happy

It hurts seeing you with her

[scribble-book]

April 3, 2018

I don’t think you should love me

I always feel so lonely 

Knowing that nothing lasts forever

Sorry...

You’re much too late

Creve Coeur 

[scribble-book]

March 8, 2018

How dare you leave?

How could you get up and walk away from your family?

How could you leave the people you loved,

For someone you talked to online for a month.

How could you strafe away from your family,

From the people who loved you,

Who cared for you,

For some young thing that happened to catch your eye.

How dare you leave us?

How dare you leave me?

I looked up to you... You were my hero.

[scribble-book]

January 30, 2018

It feels like everyone else get it

But me

It’s clear to them

They understand

They can discuss and answer questions

But it’s Shakespearian language to me

This isn’t fair. 

[scribble-book]

December 4, 2017

It’s funny when you realize how the world works

Suddenly everything becomes clear

But clear enough to see that people believe in something after death

To give them happiness and purpose to live their life

Clear enough to see everyone is under a spell of commercialism

And that we are all doomed under corporate gaze

Clear enough to see humans ruined the Earth

And the only thing we can do to fix it, is to disappear.

But in reality, nothing matters and you are in charge of your happiness. 

And that’s the scariest thing.