l'esprit d'escalier

[the original description got deleted idk why ugh]

[marie-francheska]

i find myself scrolling through tips on how to put on makeup and stuff, confused and quite unsure of what i am actually doing – trying to be more of a ‘girl’, as if the me right now isn’t enough.

but i guess there really is a stage like that, when one just feels the need to be more made up just so they could feel better about themselves, and feel prettier or something

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

dear eng 11

kay ngano man gud na GE-feeling-major kyka?

i mean okay, this is a required GE for me, but for the others, it isn’t. and uhm the workload is insanely insane (i have no other way to say it haha)

i feel ridiculously unlucky to be in this class but what can i do? i just happened to get put in here. i am just seriously hoping that somehow, by some strange miracle, i end up with a 1.5 plssssss thankyou

now i have to stop procrastinating and continue my paper.

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

and he says...

“Online sya. Hahahaha I feel wide awake once more :)”

THIS IS NOT ME I KNOW I AM OVER HIM I KNOW.

it’s just that i saw this and i immediately wondered who this person is.

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

Procrastination Race: The Finish Line

My fingers were flying across the keyboard as I rushed to complete what felt like the most difficult speed writing (and typing) test of all time.

I already had a plan: I would change the post date of any post that just happened to go beyond the deadline. But apparently, I couldn’t do that because my prof is still awake and keeping watch of the deadline. Nooooo, I had to actually finish them on time... no 3am posts that I trick into suddenly being an 11:59pm post.

And so there I was, sprinting my way through the final reaction post. It was a good thing that I prioritized the Lady Lazarus analysis and saved the reaction post for last because well, reactions are much easier to bullshit. Actually, at the Lady L analysis, I was already typing really fast, and I actually just summarized online analyses that I found. But on that last blog post, well, I felt like I was running up to the 5th floor at the speed of light.

And then I copy pasted my finished document into Tumblr, (set the date of the post), and clicked the Post button. All in under five seconds. And then I crossed my fingers and toes and refreshed the blog of my prof (the one where she posts updates, including the countdown to the deadline...) aaaaaaaaaaaaaand...

(the photo above is of a nuclear bomb exploding. how appropriate.)

THERE IT IS! MY NAME! COMPLETE! 12/12!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Gosh, I swear I exhaled with utmost relief. I think I was even panting, as if I just completed running 10 rounds in the Acad Oval (but okay i was kinda running haha).

I feel very relieved that I am over the first part of the blog posts. I know that a huge part of it was crappy writing, but tbh, I just feel glad that I complied with the minimum and I did not get an automatic fail for the missing blog posts. It means that it’s there, all of it, the crappy ones and the good ones. They all get an opportunity to be graded and it isn’t like I have a missed opportunity or something.

I swear though, that this is something i cannot do again. I SHOULD NEVER PROCRASTINATE. LIKE EVER. It is too stressful and unhealthy, but mostly because it is stressful and it makes me do really crazy things like down an entire packet of sugar and eat too many Skyflakes (i had like, 3 packs? and gosh the calories)

Overall, I am glad it is over. Really.

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

A few things that I hope will get me through the night:

Skyflakes.

Teaspoon/s of sugar. (i don’t have any sweet candy atm)

Mentos

Lots of water.

May I get through this. *fingers crossed*

Now, shouldn’t I get back to my writing?

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

not gonna hate because  haha she finally replied weee

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

Apparrently, she is new... like really really really new. As my org ate said, “Nangangapa pa yan.”

So okay, I am supposed to suffer this way because she is still trying her way into teaching? Edi wow very good. But then I am thinking that maybe I shouldn’t direct too much hate thoughts into her direction, because she is still on a some sort of trial period.

I have to say this though... I kinda don’t like new teachers. Sometimes I wonder if my learning is affected because his/her experience isn’t that many yet, and whether I would learn more things if I was under a veteran prof. But then that is too harsh. (As if maayo na kaayo ko.) I don’t think I am entitled to have these opinions. That’s all.

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

o.o

i am getting really worried. it has been 2 weeks since ma’am last updated the blog where she post reminders for our class and such. the main reason of my worry is that i haven’t claimed a blog yet because i am still waiting for her approval.

the deadline is this wednesday and i can’t help but wonder if this is her way of revenge for all of us procrastinators... or if she lost interest in our class and is now bringing doom to all those who just happen to be too late. which includes me. both sound pretty similar. they would all mean that i am definitelly screwed.

ugh i hate this i feel like she is doing this on purpose and i don’t like that i am thinking this of her. if this were true, i would have to say that it is very unprofessional of her. and unfair too. i think one has to keep being vigilant and not cause any situation that’ll jeopardize the opportunity of the student to do better. so what if they sent in their requests just today? does that mean that you would no longer reply, and doom that student with no chance to at least submit the minimum requirement? (well for the record, i sent in the request last week and i am asking again today just because i am really panicky)

so now ma’am, i wish you all the best with whatever the hell you are planning to do with us -- whether this is punishment or if this just happened. thank you in advance for being the great GWA-ruiner of my ambitions, as well as the stress you continually cause me. thanks, because of you, my love for english is almost disappearing and i had even more shifting thoughts just because of my experience in your class. if not for my other english class, and the support of all the people around me, who tell me not to shift because of one bad subject, i would have already dropped your class (but then i can’t bring myself to underload bec i have goals)

i really regret that i prioritized that philo class more because had i known that i wouldnt get into my first-choice prof here and that you will turn out this way, i would have cancelled this class and enlisted for a different prof instead. also, i am hating crs because it separated me from my friends, and they got the cool prof and i am here stuck with you.

i have partially decided that if my grade with you sucks, i will retake this class under a different prof.

end of rant.

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

.[still school ranting here hahaha]

I want to shift already. All because I feel like I cannot handle the current levels of my Eng 11 (and 12, but mostly 11) requirements. I was thinking that if in the future, my Eng classes (or CW, basta major) would be like this, then I would be miserable, or even more miserable than I am now.

All this I said to Ate Therese. And then she advised me to get advised on it and get all the details so that I would have a lot of info when I present it to my parentals on Holy Week Break (i knoooow this timing is so idk but it is the most asap time i can get haha).

Now, I still didnt get myself advised for anything.

And I mentioned this to my buddy in LF, and she was like don't shift just because of one bad subject...

This kinda echoes my "give it a chance" sentiment.

I am really sort of confused now. I want to get advised, but the requirements for shifting are already online anyway. (And honestly, I am too embarrassed to do something like that.)

But really, it is sad that I would have to forego all the Eng stuff and the prospect of a really learning-filled literature and writing fun just to embrace something that can guarantee a much more stable career in the future. Heartbreaking even.

I think what I should do is tackle these writing assignments / journals instead of ranting about shifting, so yes.

[marie-francheska]

And the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room…

Taylor Swift, “Clean” (from 1989)

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

rush.

1. supposedly, pag school rant, di na kailangan i-private blog only, kay duh, tanan naay in-ana. BUT! i am making sure nlng kay mao bya ni akong primary blog so dako ang chance na naay maka stumble upon ani (and although di man tingale nila masabtan, still... medj makaparanoid ang thought. dili nako i-underestimate ang power sa context clues dri haha)

2. the rant. KAY NGANO KARON RAKA NAGSABA? naaah makabother jud na naa diay reaction on the play unya taman this weekend nalang sya so wtf kaayo. gipanutana pajud nako sya, kay mao bya ni akong info na nahibal-an, unya ana sya na "i think until next week pa." sus, kana imong think naaaah. maayo.

3. okay, dili mana nimo wholly na sala. ofcourse, duty sd na namo as students na dili mureklamo sa mga rush projects or unsa pa na. ya yaaaaaah. dapat kami na ang magproblema ana kay grado gud, saon taman? so yes, ako nalang ang magpush saakong self.

4. a decision: magtarong na bya jud ko, so bahalag rush. naa sad syay wisdom in a sense kay para dili jud magprocrastinate ang mga ppl so okay good job maayo thanks for sending me in a somewhat panicked state.

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

Soooooo...

[buddy dinner date blah blah talking talking] Him: Nakakastress kasi ExeComm ako sa dalawang orgs ko, tapos sabay pa akong nag-app sa dalawa pang org... at nagpromise pa ako sa crush ko na sasali ako sa org niya. (at the mention of the 'crush', I froze.) Me: (staying casually curious, na parang di ko siya crush) Hala sino yan? Eeeeht... Kilala ko ba yan? Him: Oo, orgmate lang natin... (And so I guessed... and I got the name right. And the org too) Me: Ayh, si Ate (insert name here)! Eeeeeht... (pa-tease effect pa haha) And the conversation continued... and there were several times when he asked how Ate is when she was in high school (because Ate and I went to the same HS, and while he is from the same city, he went to a different school), and all. So uhm yes. Okay na ako and move on na hahahahahaha... it is pretty funny how I made a poem about him and then at this rather much-awaited buddy date things would happen this way.

I am no longer allowing myself to continue having a happy crush on him. There.

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

vent.

because i am always on tumblr (ish), constantly trying to post that blog which never gets posted.

here goes.

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT MAKAFRUSTRATE MAKASAMOK GRABE KA KAPOY AMBOT NALANG SAON NI KAY MYGAAAD.

KANA BITAWNG MAKAPRESSURE KAAYO KAY KABALO KA UNSA ANG DAPAT NA RESULT (PERFECT. OR AT LEAST THE BEST POSSIBLE.) UNYA SUDDENLY DI NA NIMO MAORGANIZE IMONG THOUGHTS SA KADAGHAN UNYA BALIK2 RA RABA JUD

FRUSTRATING JUD SIYA FOR SOMEONE WHO, LIKE ME, TRIES TO TAKE WRITING VERY SERIOUSLY. KAY IMPORTANT SAAKO TANAN NA WRITING STUFF AND IT HURTS NA DILI NAKO SYA MATARONG AND SHET FUCK WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME I AM A MESS IN THE MOST UNEXPLAINABLE THING POSSIBLE I HATE THESE HAPPENINGS, WHEN I AM AT A LOSS BECAUSE I FOUND TOO MANY.

I CAN'T THINK ANY MORE. MAKAWALAG GANA MAN GUD NANG PILA KA HOURS NA MAO RANA IMONG GINABUHAT NA GIBILARAN PA JUD NIMO UNYA MURAG WALA GIHAPON KAY TARONG NA NAABOT?! LAMI NA KAAYO ITULOG TANAN BA? I NEED AN INTERVENTION. I THINK I DO.

GOOD NIGHT. OH WAIT 3AM NA HAHA FUCK.

SA UULITIN!

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

#PHINABELLA YEAH <3

When I heard about the Phineas and Ferb Act Your Age episode, I immediately wanted to watch it, and I searched high and low,and then I finally did, and I watched it and GAAAAAH... HEARTS ARE FLYING EVERYWHERE HASHTAG HAPPY VALENTINES AS IN!

(also, it took my mind off the really stressful requirements. but idk if that is a good thing, because now, i can't seem to move on from the feels... or i refuse to move on because it would mean stressing again. but then not moving on means letting all the work pile up. which means more stress. oh fuck this.)

ANYWAY

This is probably the P&F episode that everyone has been waiting for... I just love how sweet this episode is, and the song... the song is just... THE SOOOOOONG! (i wish i could say i relate but uhm. do i? bwahaha)

Also, I love how this reaches out to practically everyone... especially the people who, like me, are no longer children but still like P&F. And okaaaay, maybe I could sort of relate to the song and it brings back thoughts of those who might have been like ahem ahem HAHA. 

And I wish that there would be somebody who could be like that to me (naaah here we go again agoy)... "If I only knew *sigh*"

CRIES GOSH

It is rather good timing that I watched midnight of Friday the 13th, just in time for the next day. (or is it?) because I felt a lot better, and more hopeful of some sorts.

NOOOOO WHY DID THIS EPISODE HAVE TO HAPPEN I AM HAVING IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS AGAIN GAAHD NOOO

but secretly i might have liked this and maybe i am relishing in the irrational thoughts

Everything I just wrote in the last few paragraphs officially rendered this post un-public-able hahaha. This will go straight to the secret one.

[marie-francheska]

The Struggle...

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

marie-francheska:

…to write a blog post is so effing real.

My cycle in writing is as follows: Idea —> Write —> reach halfway mark —> suddenly decides it is a mess —> back to first step

It really scares me that what I write might not be good enough and maybe because of that hesitation, i never get things done.

[scribbledoodleblahblah]

SHET.

Kung Eng 11 pa lang in-ani nako ka gikapoy magsulat, what more kung dapat najud ko magsulat ug mga stories, or poems or something?

And then I find myself googling the curricula of other courses. Which would most probably remind me of how almost impossible shifting would be for me.

But then again, maybe it is just an exception, and when the actual creative writing happens, I would find myself having fun.

Mygaaad too much signs. I wish I just took a course where I don't have to think about words. Currently, I never find the time to read just for fun and I want to cry and I want to shift and just live with the shame and the label and all that.

Because maybe I would be happier with the mainstream.

Because maybe I am just a reader.

Because maybe I do not see myself writing all my life.

Or maybe I am just feeling extra lazy.

[marie-francheska]

We are too busy dancing to get knocked off our feet / Coz baby we’re the new romantics / The best people in life are free

"New Romantics", Taylor Swift - 1989

yes i am busy but no one’s really knocking me off my feet… and no one tries to hahahaha oh well still busy.

(via marie-francheska)