Jai's Worse Collection

don't reblog. like if you read for all posts.

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coming back to this acc is so ,, sad. I really thought all those things of myself? Why was I so mean? I'm glad I've grown enough to have a differrent view now but dude I didn't deserve to be in so much pain.

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I.. still wonder when if ever you'll reach out. I miss you so much that thinking about you makes my throat sore. I want to puke. I know no response is a response, you taught me that all those years ago, remember?

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I miss the angel

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finally after 5 years of wanting to be on medication, I've been prescribed antidepressants (fluoxetine/prozac).

day 1: I felt really neutral and slightly sad. I kept waking up.

day 2 & 3: I feel so unstable, emotional and paranoid. I haven't tried sleeping yet, but I might take some sleeping meds

[scumcvnt]

Throughout all of my relationships I've felt the strain of feeling like my partner/s don't love me (or as much as I love them.) Where I'm currently at, I'm trying so hard to believe and accept that even though my brain paints everyone as awful and harmful, they're truly decent people who just mess up sometimes, which is fine and normal. I can see those who are making an effort to change. I'm conflicted about how I feel towards those people because in a traumatised and paranoid brain it translates to attempt to change -> deception. I catch myself finding no limit to who I question daily, especially myself and those who are close. I feel like I'm a disposable disgusting impersonation

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i feel so weak. eating aversions are so fucking difficult to manage. I'm also straighr up smoking marjoram spun with tobacco because I have no FuCKING WEED

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i feel so alone and hated

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I feel like I'm stuck in an endless limbo of false hope

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why am I the most undesirable and irredeemable piece of shit

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ramble vom

context, my friend made a joke about something I'm insecure about and I must've been obviously withdrawn from then on because he went on to discuss how he can tell I'm getting Paranoid TM from my body language, and that my 'silence is different' (his words) the crushing weight of insecurity and constant paranoia makes me wish I didn't have to inhabit a physical form I wish to be an observing orb, like an automated system on a ship - I don't want to exist but I want to be there

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even those I love continuely attack me and it does nothing but encourage me to back off and shut down

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asking anyone to hang out inevitably feels like rejection

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paranoia feels like being a vulnerable animal in an open field, hidden with predators. someone’s gonna launch at some point and will definitely intend to h urt or kill me. I will suffer and will be killed

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I gotta admit, I've not really been channeling the jealousy and unappreciation I'm aware I feel. I know it's not my fault sometimes. my efforts should be recgonised. I can be helpful I can do physical things I can organise and generally be OF USE both sides surround 1 person and the invisible vulnerability aches more than anything else

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I think the worst part about having ppd and being in a relationship is the guilt of the mistrust. I don't mean to have ill and untrusting thoughts about my partners but that's just how my brain is wired. them brushing me off is kin to them admitting they hate me and although logically I know it's nothing of the sort I'm still upset and even more so because I'm upset in the first place.

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I say the most unredeemable and uninteresting shit I'm sorry I have nothing to say ever. I don't value my words why should I speak

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i am so fucking sad and jealous but at least I'm self aware. I will deal with this myself and cry if I need to