a work in progress

On this site you'll find letters about my personal experiences being a part-time student in Bandung's Institute of Technology and a full-time emotional wreck.

[se-bening]

The Dark-Skinned Goal Keeper

There once was a little boy named Niko who lived in the city. He was born and raised in Jakarta, and so were his parents! Like other boys his age, Niko liked to play soccer, draw, and play on his bike. Also like other boys his age, every day Niko went to school to learn and play with his classmates.

           One day at school, Ms. Teacher had a very important announcement.

           “Children, today we have a new friend joining our class!” she announced cheerfully at the beginning of their lesson. Standing beside Ms. Teacher was a boy Niko had never seen before. The boy had dark skin, curly hair worn into braids, full lips, and dark eyes.

           “This is your new friend, Putra! He has come all the way from Flores to learn and play with you all. Everybody greet him!” The whole class, including Niko, said hello to Putra together. Then, Putra went to take his seat in the empty chair besides Niko. As Putra made his way to the chair, Niko and his friends couldn’t take their eyes off of him. They had never before seen someone who looked like him, very different indeed!

           After what felt like a very long Math lesson, finally break time rolled around. As usual, Niko and the other boys in his class rushed to the school field to play their favorite game, soccer. Niko’s favorite position to play was goalie, and he would stubbornly refuse to play other positions besides that! In the middle of their game, Niko heard a voice calling out to them.

           “Hey, guys!” the voiced called. “Can I play with you?”

           The boys turned their heads and saw Putra standing there with a huge, excited grin on his face.

           “Do you even know how to play?” asked Jodi, one of the boys in Niko’s class.

           “Of course! I’m a great goalie, you know,” Putra replied.

           “Hmm sorry, we already have our goalies. Besides, I don’t think you could play with us. Is soccer even a thing where you’re from?” another boy, Ikhsan, laughed.

           The other boys laughed along at Ikhsan’s joke and continued their game. Watching this happening before him, Niko saw Putra’s face slowly sink. His wide smile slowly disappeared as he turned to head back inside the class. Niko knew that he had to do something!

           “Hey wait, Putra!” he called over. Putra looked over his shoulder at the boy who had called his name.

“I’m suddenly really hungry and I want to buy some snacks at the canteen,” Niko lied. “Do you mind taking over my position as goalie while I’m gone?”

           Putra’s face lit up hearing Niko’s offer.

           “I would love to!” He gladly accepted.

           The other boys listened in on Niko and Putra’s conversation with scowls on their faces. However, there was nothing they could do because then they would be one goalie short! And that meant they couldn’t play at all. So, the game went on as Putra guarded one of the goals.

           As break time came to an end, Niko was already in class, sitting in his chair munching on the snacks he bought. After a while, the rest of the boys returned to their class, laughing and crowding around a dark-skinned boy… Putra!

           “The way you jumped in the air back then to catch the ball, I thought you were a bird!” Ikhsan laughed, clapping Putra on his back.

           “Yeah, Putra! You were great out there,” Jodi added in, laughing along. “By the way, we’re playing another game after school ends. You’re joining us, right?”

           Putra looked at the smiling faces of the boys around him and grinned.

           “You can count me in!” He said.

           Niko smiled as he watched his classmates celebrating the arrival of their new friend, Putra, the dark-skinned goalie.

[se-bening]

“Gender Equality is a Myth”

- is the title of a popular speech given by the Queen Bee herself, Miss Beyoncé Knowles. In her speech, Beyoncé went on about how gender equality is not yet a reality. She stated many examples of inequality among men and women in the work field, in their roles according to society, and in many other circumstances. The fact of the matter is that gender equality is something we, as a society, understand in theory but still struggle with in practice. Which is expected, of course, seeing how entire civilizations were built upon this misconceived perception and boundaries between genders. 

Gender equality, which is often times associated with female empowerment, is no longer something that can be debated upon. It isn’t merely about females, but also affect males as well. It’s about giving women the same opportunities men have been given in order to reach their own self fulfillment, all the while acknowledging the biological differences the genders may have. It’s about teaching mutual respect and understanding that everyone has the right to pursue whatever they desire.

The importance of gender equality isn’t something I’ll elaborate here because I feel like there are already many other writings and speeches that deliver the idea and give it the proper justice it deserves. The platforms we have today allowed this motion to snowball and turn into something huge. 

In spite of the inequality we’re still facing today, we have made so much progress! From huge social movements such as the #MeToo movement, to the drastic increase in female literacy and number of women who pursue education, to the 10 year anniversary of UN Women (this year!) we have achieved much. It’s not easy to unlearn the things we were taught to believe, but it’s not impossible either. Although we still have a long way to go, I am beyond proud of how far we have come.

To put it simply, I believe that if everybody listened to Beyoncé, the world would be a much better place.

[celestialyouth]

[theprincessleia-deactivated2021]

[yangsubinie]

[se-bening]

One Semester Through, Seven More To Go!

It’s 9 in the morning and I’m sitting here, in an oddly motivated mood to write. There are many topics I could easily choose off the top of my head and there are also many posts piled up in my drafts that I could post. But those posts are for another time, and because in 4 days I’ll begin my second semester as a college student, I guess I feel like now would be the perfect time to write about the past semester. 

It’s no secret that I didn’t get into my first choice, which was a major that I really wanted back then. Like, really, really, really, wanted. Because I really wanted that major, I feel like I wasn’t interested in any other options. Or maybe I just didn’t let myself open up to other alternatives. The bottom line is, my second and third choices were just a formality. 

So obviously when I opened up the results that I had been accepted to my second choice instead of my first, I wasn’t very happy. Don’t get me wrong, I was grateful beyond measure, but I was disappointed that I didn’t get there. From the very beginning, I had a very negative mindset on college because I felt as though I was doing something that I wasn’t passionate in.

Me, wearing my university’s signature jacket, trying to look calm and composed.

5 months have since passed and I’m glad to say that my mindset has been switched a full 180 degrees. The college life isn’t perfect, but I didn’t expect it to be. Most of my days were filled with stress as a result of studying all the damn time, something attending a prestigious school demands of me. But it’s not something I haven’t done before. It turns out that I somewhat enjoy studying here because the material is very concept-based. It’s refreshing compared to previous experiences in education that were very focused on memorization and formulas. 

My overall GPA at the end of the first semester could have been better, I’ll admit. However I did my best and I’m not at all disappointed with my results, even though I know many of my peers did better. 

Another huge part of the college experience is, of course, student organizations and extracurricular activities. Because I was an active partaker in speech competitions in high school, I wanted to continue that and pursue something of the like. So, I joined the competitive English club. To my dismay, it turned out that they only actively do debate rather than speech, storytelling, battle of brains, etc. I was a bit disappointed at first because I really felt that speech was what I was meant to do. However, after giving it a go, I became interested in debate. I was excited to learn about the world of debating, something that seemed so frightening to me in high school. Of course, I still have a long way to go and much to learn but I’m loving it so far!

120 future biologists and microbiologists. The people I look forward to spending the next 4 years of my life with.

Speaking beyond academics and clubs, which only take up a small portion of the college experience, I also enjoy the environment that I am in. I feel that the people I am surrounded with mainly have the same intentions as me- because of that, it’s easy for us to motivate and push each other to be more productive. I’ve never before been in an environment so mentally energizing. I can confidently say that during my first semester, I’ve met friends that I will hold dear to me for the rest of my life.

Major-wise, I can’t deny that fact that I am still a bit confused. I’m not one hundred percent sure that this is the major I want to pursue my education in, but at least I’m more open to it. I learned things in my major that were surprisingly really interesting, and I can definitely see myself developing that here. 

Usually whenever it was time for me to go back to school, I’d always be full of dread. But now, for the first time in my life, I’m excited. For once in my life, I look forward to waking up at 5 in the morning and driving to Jalan Ganesha in the cold morning of Bandung to attend my 7 AM class. I’m grateful to be content with where I am now, and I know I have much coming my way. Alhamdulillah.   

January 11th, 2018. 9:36 A.M.

[purr-cat-stination]

What I say: ilysm What I mean: I love you Spider-Man

[spilledheart]

I saw you in my dreams again, I held you a little tighter because I knew when I would wake up you’d be gone.

[se-bening]

I haven’t dreamt of you in a while, I guess that’s a good thing.

[theitalianbabe]

[sandylandy]

[se-bening]

A Year in Recap: 2017

13 days after the official beginning of the new year, I’m finally sitting down in front of my laptop to put my thoughts about the previous year to paper. I don’t know why it took me almost two weeks to get around to it... No, actually, I do. It’s because so many things happened last year and I don’t know where to begin.

For now, let’s begin at the start.

This time last year, I was busy preparing for a speech competition. I already knew at that time that it probably would be the last speech I would do in a long time, so I put all my sweat and tears into that one competition. I guess that wasn’t the best thing in regards to my mental health, because I was emotionally drained. I remember crying at random moments and getting extreme anxiety the night before the big day. I was unnecessarily hard on myself when the results weren’t what I expected.

The next few months, I really threw myself into my studies. I studied day and night for every single day for months. I had a goal in my mind and I knew that goal was extremely hard to reach so I really pushed myself. In the end, I didn’t quite reach it. I was disappointed, but I was also optimistic. Maybe this can amount to something greater, I thought.

The beginning of the year was a little rough, but I knew many good things were coming my way.

I graduated from high school in June. For many others it was understandably a sad day because it marked the end of a huge part in our lives- youth. But for me, it was relieving. I had been waiting for this day to come for three years and I was happy that a tremendous weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Alhamdulillah.

July came and it was time for me to start my activities as an official college student. I was nervous, but more than that, I was excited and looking forward to what would come! From the very first day, which was the re-registration to the school I’m now attending, I had a very good impression. I met nice people who were very friendly and accepting. The next few weeks I spent with them were precious to me, in a matter of days I connected with different people from across the country. I was grateful to have these people to share the next four years of my life with. Alhamdulillah.

Will this be me in a few months?

Then, August rolled around which meant that it was time to start the academical year. I don’t really know what to say... it was tough. But I expected that, and I’m not a quitter. I’ve never been more academically challenged in my entire life, however I’m lucky because the environment I was in was very motivating. I was surrounded by people who pushed me to strive for better. I’m not going to go in full detail about this because there are a lot of things I want to say and an entire post about my first semester in college will be posted shortly!

This year, like many years before it, had its ups and downs. I fell in and fell out of love. I worked my ass off, failed, but still got something beautiful anyways. I said goodbyes and I said hellos. I saw beautiful places and had eye-opening experiences. I cried a whole damn lot but I knew the tears I shed were nothing compared to the tremendous amount of joy I felt. I finally let go of the people who hurt me and I prioritized my own growth. At last.

This is getting far too cliché , but I don’t care because it’s the truth. I am grateful for this year because at the end of it all, I was genuinely happy. That’s not something I was able to say a few years prior. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I am happy. Alhamdulillah.

I don’t know what I have ahead of me in the year to come, but I can only hope that it is full of growth and new experiences. This year, I really want to focus on myself. Inshaa Allah, I know that many good things will come. I am excited for what is to come, whatever that may be. I hope the same goes for you.

(None of the images are mine. Credit to the very talented Deb Lee.)

January 13th 10:07 p.m

[se-bening]

3 years of my high school life, I lived and breathed for speech. I loved being on that podium, all eyes on me, talking about something I cared deeply about. I loved the entire process- I loved doing the research, wracking my brain for the perfect words, and fathoming all my jumbled thoughts into coherent sentences. 

There were many times when I thought that I had enough and it was time to stop, but in the end I’d go back to it over and over again because deep down I knew that speech was what I was meant to be doing. I knew I was in love.

A year has gone by. Many things have changed. And I haven’t written a speech in the time since. In front of my eyes is an opportunity to reclaim my high school passion, but oddly enough, I am reluctant. A feeling so strange to me when it comes to speech.

 I’m rusty from not doing this in over a year. I don’t have a coach to back me up. I forgot the old methods that worked best for me when it came to delivering a speech. But most of all, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that once I decide to do this, I’ll realize that I’ve lost my touch. I’m afraid I’ll realize that maybe I was never any good to begin with.

January 12th 8:43 a.m.

[se-bening]

Dieng, January 2018.

It’s quite humbling being up there above the clouds, looking down at the labyrinth of cities in between looming mountains. It opens your eyes to the vastness of this world and just how insignificant you are compared to it. .

[se-bening]

Two Minutes Were More Than Enough

I think it’s funny how people go about their day not even aware of the effect they have on others, of the lives they’ve touched, of the strangers they’ve left slightly happier, of the perspectives they’ve changed for the better. It’s a mundane yet beautiful thing in itself if you really give it thought- just how big an impact one person can have on the people around them. Sometimes it leaves me wondering, what have I done to inspire those in my community? A difficult, almost impossible question to answer, because the answer lies within my friends and family, people I pass on the streets, and strangers I have yet to meet. 

However, a question I can answer is this- How have I been changed by the people around me? Or, person, per say, because only one face almost always comes to mind. Bony features, tanned skin, and crooked teeth. Fidgeting hands and tapping feet. A deep, velvety voice that supplied me an abundance of little things I’ll remember forever, ranging from bad jokes to global issues. 

I remember watching him debate for the first time. In just the first two minutes, I was already mesmerized. I can’t pinpoint what it was exactly that was so intriguing about him- I think it’s a mixture of his perspective on how the world works, the way he spoke, and the obviously blatant passion he had for the lot of it that really had me. He radiated, and I wanted that sort of passion too. All of our meetings, however short, had me feeling energized and ready to fight a full-on rainstorm.

One of the things I’ll never take for granted is his nagging voice that is still very clear in my mind. I’ll always treasure the advice he’d give me whenever I was stuck on something. Somehow, he made things so incredible clear. I can imagine what he’d say if he were to read this right now- “This needs more elaboration! You can never have enough details.” He always managed to say the things I needed to hear to help me get past any obstacle. 

I’m grateful to have met someone who inspires me so much in what little time we knew each other. I’m so grateful that on his way to changing the world, he made a little stop and touched my life in ways that I cannot even comprehend. I am lucky because I am changed. I know that he has a long way to go, and much more things to learn, but I believe that he’ll continue to do many great things in his strive for greatness. I can only hope that in the future, I’ll also be that beacon of inspiration for someone else.

January 11th 7:52 a.m.

[se-bening]

Steve: (ノ ゜Д゜)ノ WHATS HAPPENING???

Nancy: (ง •̀_•́)ง

Jonathan: (ง •̀_•́)ง

Steve: (ノ ゜Д゜)ノ

Steve: ( ง ゜Д゜)ง

[tritticodelledelizie-deactivate]

Gian Lorenzo Bernini, Apollo e Daphne.

from Ovid’s Metamorphoses

[blackinkpoetry]

I know I praise you I raise you above everyone I think you were born to rise You could do it all by yourself And yet, you remain grounded Unaware of the power you hold

[se-bening]

(via blackinkpoetry)

SOMEONE SPECIAL IMMEDIATELY COMES TO MIND.