When you watch them fall out of love with you
I relied on men for my happiness, embarrassing to say, but it’s true. My self worth was determined how many times a man said I was pretty, or how often they praised me for anything. Now, I could handle being single, I mean you still get attention from guy’s validating you. But what I could never handle, was watching a man I loved, a man who made me feel better about myself, fall out of love with me.
I watched it happen twice. The first time was my first love. A love that filled me with so much excited for the world and for myself. He made me no longer insecure. He gave me a life I so desperately wanted. Overtime in the relationship, I watched as the texts got shorter, attention became only at night, I watched his eyes no longer glow when he saw me. And it killed me. I desperately tried to find ways to make it go back to how it was in the beginning. If he didn’t love me, then I had no worth. I was doing something wrong, and I could fix it. And I could go back to being perfect, but nothing worked. I eventually straight up asked him if he was. He reassured me that I was just over thinking. That he loved me and wants to see me walk down the aisle. I believed him. I wish I didn’t, I wish I just would’ve walked out myself. Two days after promising me the world, he left... I lost 17 pounds in one month. Because something had to be wrong with me, right? Why would he just leave? I developed anxiety and thought every single action I did was the wrong one, and I was embarrassed for it. In 9 months I moved on. It took 9 months...
The second time, I was on the lookout. In the beginning of our relationship, I constantly asked and asked and asked and asked if he still loved me. My last relationship left me with a lot of trust issues. It took me a while to believe anything he said. Because well, my ex said those things too, hell he said it all two days before me left me. I was constantly waiting for the new guy to leave me. I made sure not to get too attached in the beginning. Because he would eventually do the same, right? Well over time I believed him. And I wish I didn’t. I wish I would’ve just walked out earlier. I finally let myself love him, because surely this one was different... I was wrong. I loved him too late. I loved him when he fell out of love with me. I knew he did. I watched it all happen in my eyes before, so I knew what was happening. I think I knew it even before he came to the self realization he wanted to leave. However, he constantly denied it. But it didn’t matter. He started treating me worse and worse, because well, he fell out of love. However, this time I walked away. I wasn’t going to allow myself to get left. It was hard walking away from someone you loved, but this time, I had enough self worth to do so. I no longer needed a guy to tell me I was pretty, to be pretty. I didn’t need a guy to tell me I was funny, to be funny. I didn’t need a guy to tell me I deserved the world, to know I deserved the world.
If anyone is going though this right now. If you’re watching the one you love slowly lose interest. Please have self respect. I know you can’t just wake up and love yourself, but please understand that if you can feel it in your gut something is wrong, then it is. Even if he tells you it’s not. I promise you two things will happen in this situation, either he eventually leaves you. Or you understand that one day you will find someone who will never lose interest, and you walk out. You can’t make someone love you more, you can’t make someone stay, you can’t make anyone do anything. However, you can change yourself. So please love yourself.
theartofmadeline
gamechangershow
ellievsbear
vaporwave
